When my WH first told me he might want out of our M, way back in May 2002, my attitude at work started going downhill. Then when I found out about A during our vacation in Aug, it got even worse. I started not caring, couldn't find energy to get work done, couldn't concentrate.

My WH filed for Dv in Oct, and in Nov I decided I did want the Dv and started pushing to get it final. That's taken up a lot of energy that I don't have left for my work, and made me very angry & belligerent.

But the worst part of all this has started during the past 2 weeks. All of a sudden I can't seem to hold my temper any longer. I get short with people (especially bosses - BIG mistake! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) and say things that I know I shouldn't. It's like my tongue has a mind of its own.

Last week was the worst - I said some things to several people that were extremely derogatory. I knew I had done it, and I told my supervisor I was alienating everyone with my behavior. He knows what's going on and has been extremely supportive of me, giving me time off for counseling sessions, allowing me to take vacations when I need them, etc.

Then this week it got even worse. Two people complained to my supervisor about me, saying I was acting very "aggressive". Boss & I had a long talk and I explained that the Dv is nearing completion, WH and I are arguing about property settlement, and we had started talking a lot more in order to finalize things (making it harder to detach). I started crying during this conversation wtih my boss - God, how embarrassing and unprofessional! - and he was very sympathetic & supportive. I asked him to let others know in a tactful manner that I was dealing with some pretty bad personal problems, and he agreed.

Since my boss started spreading the word, I've noticed a definite change in attitude among my co-workers. I detect more friendliness, sympathy, or something - not the hostility I'd been getting due to my outrageous behavior. So that's okay. But they're not going to put up with my attitude for long, and I agree that they shouldn't. I need to do something and can't seem to take hold of myself.

I have several questions: does anyone else have similar experiences? how did you deal with it? is this normal? any tips for resolving?

I'm so grateful for my boss' support and the support I'm getting from my co-workers. But I also know I can't let this personal problem continue to get in the way at work. They will only have so much patience & then will expect me to "move on".

Having my problems escalate to this point at work, in addition to my messy & very nasty Dv, is the last straw. If I lose my work - in addition to my H, my M, and my future dreams - I don't know what I'll do. It's the only thing I have left at the moment.

Sorry for the long winded note. But I needed to vent. And I had to fill in the background.

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Hi SH94,

Sorry to see you go through this, I know how you feel. I know everyone comes from different backgrounds and walks of life, but when I went through this period I was so overwhelmed I lost my job because I was at the point of trying to keep what was happening a secret, trying to keep it all in, hide what exww was doing from family, friends, co-workers, all the while I'm the one that suffered and I didn't have to.

I lost my job but you don't have to you still can do something...If you're out of work you'll have to much free time to think about it, thats no fun and that's not what you want....

Until I started counseling with a Pastor who knew about infidelity, opened up to family, friends and released myself from the embarrasment of marriage failure, exposed myself, I start getting some release. Later I found this site also, when I found this site I realised WW was just like a drug addict, who can stay mad when you see somebody that is somewhat sick? I felt more sorry for her than anything.....1 year later she said do you think I tried to do all those things? That confirmed it even more.

So do whats necessary to maintain yourself, its worth it.

I started out in Anger Therapy to resolve the marriage, and shortly after the counselor said I was just angry from the situation.
However, expressing your feelings is good, and it's a way of dealing with it. Anger turned inward is depression.
But now that you recognize your anger, you need to learn how to deal effectively with it.
Seek counseling. Also, find a support group to support you and allow you to vent your frustrations. Soon you'll learn that you no longer need to vent, that you are growing from the experience.

But now, I suggest that you apologize to your co-workers. Let them know that you believe your behaviour to be inappropriate. I would guess that they'll respect you more.
My boss did the same thing as yours, explained to coworkers that I was having a stressful time and they were to back off. Now I can appreciate this type of help, and readily ask for help.
You need to seek out your own help and start healing yourself. Good Luck.

SH

I know you may not want to hear this, however, anger, feeds itself. I take welbutrin, not a permanant solution, but definitly, a good choice for me. Talk to your doc. Maybe it would help you too.

I have to agree with the other posters..and say Talk to your co-workers..I realize your boss has said something to them..but an apology from you will go a long way...

Not only that..you may find one or two of them who has been where you are..and who can offer support..who may be hesitant about saying something for fear of stepping on your toes..

You could also talk to your dr about getting an anti depressant to help you cope and level out your emotions..

THANK YOU! I can't believe I didn't come to this conclusion myself! "Apologize to my co-workers." What a simple concept!

You're all so right - this is something I need to do. And in a previous life (before D-Day), this is something I would have realized on my own and already done. I guess I'm even worse off than I thought. And I really thought I was doing so well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I stopped counseling about a month ago, thinking I didn't need it any more. With the Dv imminent and since my constant crying had stopped and I'd started eating & sleeping, I thought I was in control. Obviously I'm not.

Thank you again.

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

SH94 -

You have received some great advice!

I'd continue counseling. After the divorce is when you need it the most because now you are dealing with a whole new set of issues, and anger being one of them is definitely something a counselor can assit you with!

Good Luck. K

The one thing I've learned is that I have no control over anything or anyone but myself.
It's a freeing concept. I can control my responses.
Think about AD's as suggested too.
I'm still in counseling, and we just continue to change the action plan.
Now we are working on handling the stress of dealing with a custody fight. It's always something - but now something I CAN handle.
Good luck, and get help, you'll be amazed at the resources and people available to you.