I am not sure where to begin. I have so many mixed feelings about this, including posting it. My husband and I got married in September. When we first started dating each other it was great! He was affectionate, passionate, and I knew that he wanted me and wanted to be with me. Now, I don't feel that or see that but only once in a while. Why do men do that? Why do they change so drastically? We had a good sex life when we first started seeing each other and now I am lucky if we have sex once a week but usually it isn't it is more like once every two weeks. I also know that he is now looking and paying for porn on the internet. So, I know that also contributes to his lack of wanting to have sex. Should I be worried? I just feel that he compares me to them and only wants me after he sees that. It makes me fell horrible about myself. It hurts me to be exact. There are a lot of other things too, but I think those are the things that bother me the most. Oh one other thing, he basically will not help with house work at all unless it is at his convience. Why is that? He used to help me before and now it is getting overwhelming for me. What is it with men?<BR>Thanks for your input.....I need it!<BR>TxAngel<P>one other thing...I feel that he is always on the internet and he disagrees with that. I don't feel that he spends enough time with me. this is such a long story, but since I am new and this is my first post I will spare all the details. :-)<BR>thanks for any input you might have<p>[This message has been edited by TxAngel (edited November 06, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TxAngel:<BR><B> When we first started dating each other it was great! He was affectionate, passionate, and I knew that he wanted me and wanted to be with me. Now, I don't feel that or see that but only once in a while. Why do men do that?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>A better question might be, why do men get married? Well, lets face it, dating is a lot of work. You have to be attentive, go places, spend money, dance, etc. When you want sex, you have to be passionate and affectionate. Whew! Just thinking about it tires me out. <P>Realistically, relationships do change when you get married and usually for the better. But it isn't unusual for a man to become too complacent either. The MB boards ae full of women who have lost the loving feeling because they have been neglected. <P>Women and men mature very differently in the early years of marriage. Men typically see their role as "doing" things - career, sports, house building, fixing cars, etc. These are all physical activities. They are what men perceive as their role in marriage. They take pride in these accomplishments and value themselves as good husbands if they can keep that old Chev running another year, put in a few overtime hours and still fit in a hockey game on Wednesday nights. <P>Women see it differently. They see marriage as "we" things. Being together, sharing dreams, special moments, starting a family, crating a "home" as opposed to a house. They value themselves as wives if they can maintain a healthy environment, meet their H's needs and keep a little spark lit on special nights. <P>Who is right? Well, in most cases they both think they are. Men think women are to demanding, take up too much time, spend too much, and are too sensitive. Women complain that their H's emotionally neglect them and want nothing more than a maid and a whore. Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. <P>What can be done about it? There are some basic rules of marriage that i think you should try to follow for your first years. You can find them at: <BR> <A HREF="http://www.oprah.com/phil/rescue/phil_rescue_value.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.oprah.com/phil/rescue/phil_rescue_value.html</A> <P>In addition to this, keep in mind that despite what either of you have previously learned, marriage is not so much about happiness, children, monogamy or tax deductions. It is an opportunity to learn how to love and to be loved. In this respect you both have alot to learn. <P><B>"We had a good sex life when we first started seeing each other and now I am lucky if we have sex once a week but usually it isn't it is more like once every two weeks."</B> <P>When sex reduces frequency this usually indicates that there is resentment building. Let me explain. Believe it or not, men don't make love to women to get off, porn works better for that. Men make love to women to please them. It is the thrill of the female response, not the moment of relief. If he isn't interested in sex, it is because he doesn't feel an urge to please you. My W and I have had some sexless periods in our 25+ year marriage and they have all been due to poor communication and selfish attitudes. <BR>read about the MB concepts and building a healthy relationship. You will learn about givers and takers. Be a giver. Meet your H's needs and communicate yours in a gentle and giving way. Remember the first lesson of love - love is a verb not a noun. You can't have love, you can't get love, you can't take love, you can't show love. Love is what you do. <P><B>I also know that he is now looking and paying for porn on the internet. So, I know that also contributes to his lack of wanting to have sex. Should I be worried? </B> <P>This is a symptom of his feeling rejected and out of love with you. it is not likely the cause. One excpetion to that might be if he is addicted to porn. But this would be more obvious if he was. It is all he would be able to think about. <P><BR><B> I just feel that he compares me to them and only wants me after he sees that. It makes me fell horrible about myself.</B> Women grow up believing that their bodies are important to men. They are, if you want to earn a living as a whore. But to be a wife, you don't need to compete on that level. It is the affection and emotional interaction that makes sex great. Porn provides stimulation so that he can masturbate and masturbation is one of the best stress relievers there is. <P><B> It hurts me to be exact. </B> When my wife was young and irst discovered that I masturbate between sex with her, she was hurt too. No one ever explained to her that it is normal. For these same reasons, I always tried to hide it. We know better now. Sometimes she helps me and that is a real love builder. She also appreciates that I am getting my need filled without bothering her every day and can fulfill the need myself when I am away. <P><B> Oh one other thing, he basically will not help with house work at all unless it is at his convience. Why is that? </B> <P>If you showed more interest and appreciation for the things he does do - like keep that Chev running, he "might" show more interest and approciation for the things you do. You each contribute to the marriage in diferent ways but don't always value each other contributions becasue you perceive you have different roles and you priorize values differently. <P>read up and start learning. it is a life long journey. By starting early in your marriage you will be one up on the couple who are just starting to realize something is wrong after 20 years. <BR>

Number one I should not be greatful for him doing things like keeping that ol' chevy running. He has a child and never spends time with her and the sad part is that she is in the same house as us. As far as porn I understand it to a point. I will agree it is cool and I have no problem if you are single etc., but to be married and a newlywed there shouldn't be any sexual problems at this point. I can't believe that I had this kind of response. I do not think that it should be like this between a man and a woman. It should be equal and that is not the case here. Yes I am his maid and his whore all wrapped in one nice little gift. You also talked about the female body. I have a nice body, so he shouldn't have to be looking at porn and for him not feeling that is something wrong. I do everything for him and he is so selfish that he can't even help me. I run his business on top of cleaning the house, dinner, laundry, errands, and also taking care of the child. It wasn't like this before and it shouldn't be like this now. I don't understand where some men think that they would actually survive without women. Men seem to think that they can just walk all over us and it be ok. If it wasn't for us women you men wouldn't be here. We are the ones that have the children. I just think that some times men have an upside down way of looking at not only women, but the world as well. As far as porn, well let me be a little more specific then, he has tapes all over the house now and also the internet and also pays for it with my credit cards. So, I would say that he is addicted and also to the internet. He can't be home more than 10 minutes without touching his computer. I would say that he is addicted and that this is the only reason that he married me was to take care of him, the house, and his child. What do you think?<BR>Thanks for you input <p>[This message has been edited by TxAngel (edited November 06, 2000).]

If you showed more interest and appreciation for the things he does do - like keep that Chev running, he "might" show more interest and approciation for the things you do. You each contribute to the marriage in diferent ways but don't always value each other contributions becasue you perceive you have different roles and you priorize values differently. <P>that is what you said to me about this post. I do not agree with what you are saying. I shouldn't have to show more appreciation and interest. I already help him enough....what am I supposed to do dress him too and hold his hand when he has to go to the bathroom? That is all that is left for me to basically do for him. Like I said, I run the house, clean it, run his business, take care of the child, cook, you name it I do it and I also do the yard occassionally and one more thing, I probably know more about cars and keeping them running than he does. So, he should actually show more appreciation for me and what I do than walk all over me. I am sorry. I just think that you get what you give.

Dear TxAngel,<P>I am a male and so offer this with trepidation. Happy_hus has offered you some good advice encouraging you to read about the basic concepts taught on this web site. I hope that you will at least do that. <P>From your original post there didn't seem to be any indication that your H was addicted to porn. It was for that reason that Happy_hus tried to offer you some insight into what may motivate a male to view porn. I don't necesarily agree with Happy but He was just offering you his point of view. Your subsequent post reveals that your H may indeed be addicted to porn. In that case the advice may be different. With any addiction the addict must admit the problem before it can be addressed. You can't fix this. <P>It may have seemed that Happy was putting all this on you. The reality is that the only person who's behavior you can control is your own. You are here. You are asking for help. We can only encourgae you to do things that you can do. We and you cannot change your H. That change can be encouraged though. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TxAngel:<BR><B>I just think that you get what you give. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are actually experiencing this first hand. I know you feel as though you are doing all the work. You are angry. Rightfully so! The problem is that your anger will only drive your H further into withdrawal. The situation you decribe isn't fair to your or your H's child. Focusing on how you have been wronged will not help. Please, please, please read the basic concepts pages on this web site. It may also be necesary for you to get couseling so you can better handle the challenges ahead of you. You can also find that kind of help on this site through phone couseling.<P>You are in my prayers<P>Mud <>< <BR>

your response is extremely insightful, i'll give you that. but how disrespectful referring to men are from mars, women are from venus when this website is dedicated to dr. harley's his needs, her needs.<P>you've made your comment sound like plageurism written right out of the other book. how tacky.<P>reconsider responding a second time with reference to another author's books...<P><BR>"orginal quote:" Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. <P>

I do appreciate everyones reply to my post even Happy. I will also look into that website and what you have told me to do. A little reading might do me some good. My other problem is that my husband really doesn't talk to me much anymore about things like our relationship, so I think that getting the two of us to counseling might be a problem. I do thank you though.

I too got married in September. I found things were starting to fall apart, physically and emotionally. I finally(after many fights) sat down with my husband and made him listen to me about what was going on. I told him that it seemed like he felt he no longer had to contribute to our relationship since we were already married and do you know what he said. He shocked both of us by saying that part of him did feel that way. He was more surprised then I was. He realized that that frame of mind wasn't going to work and ever since we have been doing very well. It turns out that there were some underlying issues that were brewing in him and me as well. We finally got those out and worked on them. You have to be open and honest with each other. As far as porn goes, I use to be very sensitive about this subject. I was offended when he would watch it(he doesn't like looking on the internet or magazines), but we talked about it and we are able to share it. It really does spice up your sex life(moderation is the key here of course). If he truely cares about you and wants to make your marriage work then he will listen to what you have to say and really work on your relationship.

Thank you CLYONS I appreciate what you have said and I do plan on talking to my husband about all of this and what our future holds. I am scared and agree with you that you have to be open and honest and talk about things. I will do that. I want this to work or I never would have married him .. Thanks again. <BR>

female stranger--<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>how disrespectful referring to men are from mars, women are from venus when this website is dedicated to dr. harley's his needs, her needs. you've made your comment sound like plageurism written right out of the other book. how tacky.<P>reconsider responding a second time with reference to another author's books...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We often refer to other books and websites at this discussion forum, although I believe Happy Hus was loosely referring to the <I>idea</I> as a point rather than directly quoting.<P>Not sure why you got all bent out of shape over that. <P>TxAngel--<P>I responded to your post over the weekend, then got booted and lost it! ANYway...sounds like you're on the right track...talk-talk-talk. <P>Keep reading, and posting if you ever need to vent or share advice. I know it helps me! <P>Laura<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lucks (edited November 08, 2000).]

My biggest problem with talking to my husband is that he doesn't like to talk much now especially about his feelings or to show them. Every time that I try to bring things up to talk to him it gets ignored or he is to busy etc. so I have run out of ways to bring things up with him. I am going to work on this though. Thanks Laura (Lucks) i appreciate all that is said. I am glad that I found this forum though. I have it bookmarked now and read it and I think that is why I decided to finally post mine. I need and will always need advice :-)<BR>Thanks

well I tried to talk to him and he is furious with me and says that I am full of BS. That about sums up this fight because he won't talk just yell and will not hear my side and my feelings.

Regarding talking to your H. My H never really responded well to the way I talked to him either. He always seemed uninterested. Now, after reading HN/HN I try to approach in a non threatening way. I also realize that men are much more rational than us women. It took me forever to figure out that letting all my emotions hang out did not make him very receptive when I was trying to make a point. Now I try to be as rational and logical as possible when talking to him. He understands that a lot better than all the other touch feely stuff I used to try. Believe it or not he has compromised with me much more since I starting approaching him this way. <P>Hope that helps a little.<P>cleo

Thanks Cleo. I appreciate what you have said, but I think that it is useless with him. He is sick of my bs and of me basically and doesn't care to hear me he speaks over me and doesn't listen to what I have to say. I told him that this marriage will never work this way unless we communicate and say what is going on. Why did he change so much? Why did I? I don't know how to feel right now, but I am hurt and upset that my own husband feels this way and after all is said and done I still don't feel better. I do appreciate what you told me though and will look into it. :-)

TxAngel--<P>Keep trying. But here's a suggestion. Take care of you!! You sound a little like me, obsessing over what feels like a big change in the relationship. What to do, how to act, what to say...it's all quite exhausting. So, try this. Stop. Step back from it. You're trying SO hard to press your ideas and points home it's just alienating him further. I know, and you have the best intentions! (been there)<P>Do something that makes <B>you</B> feel good. Something totally selfish. Lounge in a bubble bath, a good book, whatever makes you feel like "you." And keep that good feeling when you're with your H. Don't be swayed by his crankiness. If you want to hug him--do. If you want to cuddle with him--do. Don't bring up any relationship stuff. Ignore any baiting. (If it gets too hard to ignore, take a break and actually leave the area, telling him you'll be back.) LET him stew!<P>When you are able to get back around to a <B>short</B> relationship talk (for beginners), when he interrupts you, stop talking. It's ok to point out that you hadn't completed a sentence, but do so calmly, and after he's vented his thought. STAY calm. Even if he's venting and you're bearing the brunt of it initially, remember, he's opening up. Tell him you're trying to understand his feelings. Let him talk. Yours can wait until he's through, or even another day. Yes, that sounds awfully unfair, and it IS, but you get to be the initiator to good communication techniques here. We'd tell him if he was posting! <P>WHEN it's your turn, make sure to keep your venting calm, and even soften it by saying something like, "I feel hurt when you...." followed immediately by "I do understand you're tired and have been working hard...." Something that shows caring tacked on to the problem. See what he says then. <P>It's going to be slow. And difficult. But very worth it. I've thought about this so often, just how hard it really is to consider someone else's feelings JUST as important as our own. I ask that of my H, and I have to remember it myself too!<P>Here's a plug for a book I strongly endorse. It's truly wonderful in learning good communication skills in a relationship. "We Can Work It Out-How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other" by Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman, PhDs. Ideas run parallel with Dr. Harley's, and it discusses speaker and listener skills with examples. Great stuff.<P>Take it from a couple who has been up and down, and around the block, still learning and still trying...it's worth it.<P>Laura

Thank you Lucks. I will take that advice. I will take it more calm etc. I hate the fighting and he knows it, so I will do what you said. That was really good advice. That you so much. I feel better. :-)

(((((((hugs)))))))<P>I totally agree with Lucks. You have to take care of you first. I also, like Cleo said, had to learn how to aproach my husband and talk to him. All I would do is upset him and had to learn to calm down and talk to him in a different manner. You sound so sad and for that I am sorry, it really tickes me off when boys act like jack*sses. Good luck and god bless, I hope you find what you need just remember that life is way to short to settle for less then what you deserve.

Clyons, thank you so much. I know that this is going to be a long and hard struggle, but I am willing to work at it or I never would have married him in September. I will do things differently and see what happens and of course I will keep the people informed and up to date with my situation. I am glad that I found this forum. Don't remember how I stumbled to it, but I did. I feel like I get a good response and support/advice for what I need. Thanks a bunch to all that have helped me and listened to what I am currently going through. <BR>

It is kinda funny one thing that I thought that I would tell you. Since we had the huge blow out the other night and I did manage to talk to him just a little bit (not much) I do feel better. There seems to be less friction, at least to me, and it seems that maybe he did listen to me and I didn't realize that he did. I am hoping to talk to him more this weekend or soon. When we were in our argument he said that he was done with the conversation and that it was old already and I basically said in a regular tone, that is fine, just let it build up again and make the friction and communication a little worse....and so now he knows that there is more. I should have given him more credit for listening, but it didn't seem that he was because he kept yelling over me and talking about what he wanted to talk about rather than listening to me, but some of it did seep through lol. Hopefully, like all the good advice that I have been given will pay off and this will definatly help our relationship and our communication. I just wanted to say that and to thank you. :-) Have a nice weekend...I know that I am going to try to.

Men hunt. We pursue what we want and then once we have it we need to rest. It takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy to constantly be Prince Charming -- and I for one don't have that energy. When women are looking for a guy they complain that they can't find the sweet, well-groomed, good listener who spends money on them, so we become that person to get your attention (and your bodies). It's like a cheetah sprinting, they look pretty damn impressive when they're doing it, but they can't keep it up forever. <P>The same kind of question could be asked of women: Why did you agree with everything I said, laugh at all of my jokes, never criticize me, and give me lots of good sex while we were dating and then become a completely different person after we got married? Now why do you tell me how to dress, criticize the way I talk, my friends, tell me my jokes are stupid, stop giving me oral sex, fight with me about every decision, and try to make me into a completely different man? If you loved me then, what's wrong with me now?<P>People put forth their best illusions to attract the best mate that they can. It takes an exceptionally mature and confident person to be yourself from the beginning.<P>Good luck<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TxAngel:<BR><B>I am not sure where to begin. I have so many mixed feelings about this, including posting it. My husband and I got married in September. When we first started dating each other it was great! He was affectionate, passionate, and I knew that he wanted me and wanted to be with me. Now, I don't feel that or see that but only once in a while. Why do men do that? Why do they change so drastically? We had a good sex life when we first started seeing each other and now I am lucky if we have sex once a week but usually it isn't it is more like once every two weeks. I also know that he is now looking and paying for porn on the internet. So, I know that also contributes to his lack of wanting to have sex. Should I be worried? I just feel that he compares me to them and only wants me after he sees that. It makes me fell horrible about myself. It hurts me to be exact. There are a lot of other things too, but I think those are the things that bother me the most. Oh one other thing, he basically will not help with house work at all unless it is at his convience. Why is that? He used to help me before and now it is getting overwhelming for me. What is it with men?<BR>Thanks for your input.....I need it!<BR>TxAngel<P>one other thing...I feel that he is always on the internet and he disagrees with that. I don't feel that he spends enough time with me. this is such a long story, but since I am new and this is my first post I will spare all the details. :-)<BR>thanks for any input you might have<P>[This message has been edited by TxAngel (edited November 06, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>