Input please....My husband has had several affairs and I chose to forgive him. To make this story short, he says, that he still loves me and our life in general is good (financial stability, good jobs, wonderful home, good sex, etc.)but he feels that he is still not happy no matter what. He wants to file for divorce and we have an appointment to finish up the paperwork this Friday. He feels that he should leave this family because he feels he is a destructive force and needs to punish himself.

I am completely shocked at my wanting him to work things out. My typical reaction would have been no mercy no matter what. Instead I have shown him nothing but love and affection. Yes, I have my angry moments, but I think I deserve it. Up to now and he keeps insisting on separating. He is being very generous with everything that I have asked for in the Divorce...What gives???

I am still so in love with him and it hurts so much and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

It sounds like we married the same man. After almost 15 years of marriage and three children later, my H says he wants a divorce because he is not happy. Your subject line is that YOU cant make him happy anymore, well thats true. Only HE can make himself happy, its all about HIM. The walkaway is on a journey searching for something that they feel they lost while being in the marriage. I told my H that he thinks that divorcing me will make him happy, but the truth is it wont. He asked me how do I know it wont. So you see, they are so confused, dont know which side is up and just trying to get out the quickest and easiest way possible. That would explain why your H is so generous with what you will get out of the D. Its his guilt and he is just trying to get out as quickly as possible without making any waves. Now my H told me a few weeks back that he had "had it" and he was filing so that I can do whatever it is that I want to do. Well EXCUSE ME, but this is all about him and what he wants to do. As of last week, when I called the courthouse, he hadnt filed but who knows. I am nervous to call again this coming Friday, but I have to be prepared. I refuse to file, because I DO NOT want a divorce. If he happens to file, then I suppose I have to trot myself down to a lawyer. H seems to think that a 15 yr marriage with three children can be dissolved legally lickity split. No it cant. I am not giving up. Your story sounds a lot like mine. My H didnt come right out and tell me his reason for wanting a divorce, he says "NO Explanation, just time for me to go." However he told friends about his indiscretions during our marriage, I knew about several affairs even one that produced a child, he told our friends that he hasnt been the greatest husband over the years. So in a way, I think that may be a reason. I have always forgiven him and have been supportive of his career (he is in the military). Everyone says I am such a wonderful person. One person even said that I am such a caring person and I love my H so much, its not everyday that someone can say they found someone who truly loves them like that. My H is on a journey and it doesnt include me. I am going to keep on praying and not lose faith.

Hang in there!

I too am in the same situation. My H got up and left and didn't leave me any excuse other that he has not been happy???? He won't expain in details or doesn't want to talk to me about it. Other that he is done. This leave me where???? with no reason or good reason. There are suspisions of infidelity but he wont' confess. There is alot of past history of lies and letters from and unknown person two years ago about him having an affair. I chose to keep believing him. The last two years have been nothing but lies that he can't or won't explain. Then I get so upset I just blow up and say very mean things to him on how I am not happy... he just didn't get why I wasn't. I kept telling him, you cannot lie to me and there has been no effort to fix the lyeing... so here I am...he says he needs time to think on whether he wants to keep going... like I am the one who has put him through all of this...All I have done is what any normal person would do if they were lied to on a regular basis and then get no explination on why, what or where he has been.....It seems to me that he is being very selfish and not thinking about anything else but him.....

I have come to the conclusion that I have begged, and pleaded and done all I can...eventhough I was acting kinda crazy at the time... but now that I have had time to think I now realize I have been living alone for sometime now...and raising the kids by myself...the only difference is I don't have to worry about what my H is doing and it feels like a ton of bricks off my chest.

I now know I have control of my life and that he cannot run my life and keep me sitting here day after day wondering and worrying about what he is doing....

If my H somehow decides to come back I don't know if I could ever forgive him for what he has done to this family....I don't know who he is anymore and I know that the lies won't stop because he most definatly feels he has done nothing wrong...I would rather take my chances possibly meeting someone else who I will learn to know that go back to someone I don't know but know what he is capable of doing to me.

My life is getting under controll for the first time in years, I am finding myself back and it feels good to just think about my kids and myself on what I need, what I really want to do in life. Before eveything was based on what he wanted and needed. Now it is my turn and my life will be much more fufilled and content with out him........
cj

X one day said he was seeing a MW. Wanted out, when I ask why. 1st it was we were fighting all the time, ask where was I when this was going on. X couldnt say one word, he knew it wasnt true. Then he changed the reason to I didnt have college ed. like MOW she is RN. Starting hanging around the hospital group, he was a cop. It came down to a MW who had been trying to leave her H, for months. Someone stupid like my H came along & was the only one on police force who had slept with her that wanted to M her. X is still unhappy & blames me. X now has to deal with OW X & 3 small kids. X feels he owes me nothing & says he is not sorry for the A. X new life he has is not a happy one. both are seen yelling at each other. OW 3 kids say he is mean, yelling at them. OW is now showing up at her X house unannounced since he has new girlfriend. OW told her X girlfriend that my X & her are just friends, they are engaged. His world is falling apart, he left 2 people who loved him, it didnt matter what he did to us. We would have been there for him.

m-17yrs, 9months, 12 days
c-13, 29 8gd
me-48, X 43
D-5-02

OW-32
C-3 under 10
d-7-02
M-10yrs

Thanks for your responses. I have hesitated for a long time to chat but it does make me feel better to know that I am not alone in this situation.

Right now I am going along with his request of filing the divorce papers. I am continuing my quest to be a better wife even though he says that I have always been a good partner.

He does tell me that he thinks he does not deserve me. He thinks that I am too generous of myself to fault. I am changing that a bit but I don't want to be some self-absorbed woman that can't walk out of her bedroom with no make-up on either.

I admit, I had been angry and sad throughout our marriage. Thats because my needs have never been met or express by me for that matter, so I guess it is my fault that he feels he can't make me happy. But even after several counseling with different counselors, eventually with Steve, he still feels that separating is the best thing for him. He feels that he needs to be punished for what he has done.

Today, I reminded him of how it hurts that I have to start getting use to doing things alone, putting up christmas decoration, etc. and I also told him that next month may be a good month to start managing our finances separately, etc. and he gave me that sad look in his face. I just wanted to hug him, but I am tired of being in limbo at this point.

All I want him to say is I changed my mind but in my heart I also wanted to make sure of my feeling for him and that I am just not panicking and that is the reason why, I keep begging him to stay.

For the mean time, since we are still married, is it wise for me to continue romancing him or will I just be setting myself up to fall even harder once the divorce is final.
________________________

Married 15 years (would have been sixteen this past September but I think he stopped loving me last year

3 children

40/lost so much weight since then and feel and look much better

First marriage, First boyfriend (maybe this is why it hurts so much)