Hello MB gang!
I unfortunately see a lot of new names here on the MB discussion forum; I guess all marital infidelity and marital ugliness hasn't subsided around the world in the past few months.

Since I have relocated from Sweden back to MN I haven't been hangin' out on this site so often-I'm too busy job hunting. But, I thought I better check in for a brief update--if there really is anything to say.

Being back in MN after three-years in Sweden has been a relief in many ways. I no longer yearn after the things I missed when living there. Now I only yearn for my kids and possible-STXW, and my freinds, whom are still in Sweden. One thing that was nice to leave was the situation I was in with my WW contacting other men while we were still living together--no longer are there cell phone calls to listen to, no longer her sneaking away for telephone calls, no more secret emailing. Most importantly, I no longer have that perpetual ache in my heart.

There is a very small "sweet-revenge" when I receive nasty e-mails from her now-and-then hearing how difficult a time she is having with the kids, how her job stinks, how they can't figure out what is wrong with the car. But, with the holiday season, things have been very pleasant between us, as well. Lately, she actually will speak to me when I call on the phone, and she sometimes even shares with me what is going on with her life and job-no romance info, naturally...

So, my marriage is still completely up in the air, but after 3 As, I have come to accept that it is no longer my decision to hold the M together; it has to be hers. I have done a great job at plan Aing three times now, and even am doing a great job at a long-distance Plan A, but that is all I can do.

For those of you out there that think that your lives can't go on if your M falls apart; it is untrue. The key is to hold on to yourself and everything else corrects itself. Hang in there everyone!

OK. I starting to preach.. it's time to end!

Sweden (in MN) [EMAIL][/EMAIL]

Hi Sweden,
I think about you from time to time and hoped you would come back and report. I think you have a very good attitude and I hope your life is a success, suspect it will be.

When you have contact, ( that it, when she complains about things) do you still tell her the conditions for reconcilation? Or are you done with it?

Let us know how things go, one never knows how things will turn out.

SS

<small>[ December 06, 2002, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

SS,
Great to hear from you...

It is a bit ironic that you asked this question because I just got off the phone with her about an hour ago. Things have, at least real recently, been going well between us. Today, we flirted on the phone some, and there wasn't a negative word exchanged. I must say that we do not wander into the 'reconciliation' topic area--that is really going to be brought up by her, I feel.

With an international relationship, there are additional issues that present problems as well. Where are we going to reside, Sweden or USA, being the largest. These sorts of discussions are seemingly a long way off right now.

So, all-in-all I've been playing Joe-cool here in MN. I remain in contact with her family, I have been putting a rather good share of money away for the kids that she has access to, no dating, and when she writes me a rather nasty email, I hold off at least a day (to cool off) before I respond. You're right, I'll do well with, or without her, but I do really hate that perpetual hole that is my heart because of being away from her and the kids. I don't know how things are going to turn out, but right now I'm not going to wait around with my life to find out...

Sweden

So how do you spend your time, and what kind of timeline are you on for D? Or is it on hold right now?

About the time you left, you were discussing what to do for vacation. Did you go with the children? Or did you give up on it and just come back to the states?

Just curious, probably doesn't apply to anything, you may have answered and I not remember.

SS

SS,
Wow! Good memory on the vacation situation. I even had forgotten that I wanted to get out of Sweden so badly this past spring.

We never went anywhere. I used the money for my flight back to the states.

For the past months, I have occupied my time job searching. Trying to find a career in the environmental field is currently not the best place to be situated. I have concluded that there really are not any jobs that I would like to take out there, so I have been spending all my time trying to create a research project in the area of biomass-to-energy systems. I'm going to save the world by growing trees.

One option, or hope, is to try and arrange some project funding on a project here in MN, and then apply the money towards PhD financing back in Sweden-maybe 7-8 months there, the rest here. That way I could see the kids, more often and still have a subject area I am actually interested in.

As far as I know, my W hasn't filed on me yet. In Sweden one files for D, and then there is a 6-month waiting pd before anything can happen. I would view this as positive, but then again who knows...

Take Care!

Sweden

Just looking out for you Sweden, asked around on the GQ2 board, SS mentioned you were lurking around here... good to hear your update, good to hear that you're doing more or less fine. Sad, of course, that your WW is still acting and dealing the way it is... but at the end of the day, she has to take responsibility for her own actions, right? and you - take care.

Thanx for the little MB wakeup! I haven't been lurkin'around too much these days. But it's nice to check in once in a while to see what's happenin' with everyone; geez, all the new names I see on this site always depresses me...

Some news since December on this end. I have been in (email) communication with my dept. back in Sweden, and it looks as though I'm heading back there around August to resume with my Ph.D. studies. As much as MN is home, I've come to the conclusion that it really isn't home for me anylonger. Home seems to be where my kids are. I hate the weather in Sweden, the people are ill-motivatied, and the pay is low, but I guess it is time to focus on the positive aspects and take advantage of those 5 week vacations there.
Right now I'm just going back as though my WW hardly exists; just as the mother to the kids. I've been positive and cheerie with here on the phone and I just need to cntinue with that, a Perpetual Plan A. Actually, I can tell that she is glad that I'm coming back.
First, I need to get the kids back here for the summer before they turn into conservative, boring little Swedes...

Take Care! Thanks for the note.

Sweden

Wow! I'm glad you'll be headed back to be closer to your kids. They need their dad.

It might not salvageable with your WW- 3 A's is alot to tolerate. Maybe that is just her character.

Glad you have some good work possibilities, and a positive mental attitude.

I know what you mean about all the new names. It's a bummer. I also often wonder about the statistics of all the people here. How many succeed in reconciliation etc.

Sweden,
Tell us why she is glad you are coming back.

Also, that was a pretty short story of the last month and a half of what has happened to you.

I am suprised, how did you make this decision?

SS

espoir/SS,
Great to hear from you both.
Over the past few months I've come to the realization that, yes, it is really important for me to be back with my kids. I speak with them often on the phone, and each time I can detect the sadness with them that I'm not there. I don't want to look back in 20 years or so and wish'd I saw my kids grow up. At least more than the 2 months per summer that I would get with them here in the U.S.
Additionally, the MN I came back to is not really the MN I left in '99. I would suspect that this is mainly due to a change in me, but I have also noticed that the group of people that we "hung" with back then has sort of disbanded as a group.
This time by myself has also provided me with the opportunity to contemplate what I want out of my life; the kids are a big priority, obviously. I also think that I will be most content as a part of the dept. at Lund University (in Sweden) teaching and researching. I need to get over this hump of getting an interesting research topic, but after that I'm ready to fly.
My thought was when I came back was to get a job in the field (bioenergy systems) that I am interested in. Nope, no jobs here! This has also played a small part in my decision. I can't see being here working in some position that I'm not really interested in, and not being close to the kids.

I started writing an EU grant proposal yesterday for PhD funding $ (or Euros) for my program. We'll see how that comes out...

On my WW.
My guess is that part of the reason she is seemingly glad that I'm coming back is that she recognizes the distress with the kids. Another 'far out' guess is that it will relieve her a bit from the duties of parenting; she's got it pretty tough currently.
Does this leave any hope for the M? Who knows. As I might has said previously, I'm getting along well with her side of the family. We stay in good contact with updates and phone calls.
I conversed with a friend today that still lives in the same building as my W and he keeps "hounding" her about us living together again someday. I wish'd he'd actually not do this because it just places unwanted pressure on her. Her answer has been she has no interest in living together... So be it.

Sweden