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I will be divorced. Today Decemebr 5th here in Oz, our papers went before the judge, and the final decree will be on January 6th. I didn't have to go to court, thank goodness, because today my youngest decided to be sick, and also the weather here has been sooooo bad today. But also I couldn't have faced that judge when the man who was my husband was the one that filed, and he didn't have to attend because he is overseas. I guess I am numb right now. I have been dreading this day, I really have. But I received another caustic email from almost X and Clicketty Clack this morning, regarding Christmas visitation issue, and I just felt like...."I am glad he will not be my husband soon". I am tired of all his games, manipulations, threats and selfishness. So here I am... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Jacky
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31 days until the beginning of the rest of your life ...
((((Jacky))))
You're gonna be just fine.
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When you said, I'm tired of all the manipulation, games, etc., I could feel the pain in your post and I share your exhaustion. My D process is just starting, but already my STBXH is acting like a "possessed " person. Maybe he is. Like xPB said, a new life is waiting. Have you ever heard the song "Movin On" by Rascal Flatts? Even if you're not into their music, alot of what that song says is so true. Movin' on girl. We're all movin' on. Take care.
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Oh Jacky,
I'm so very sorry. Mine is next week wednesday, the 11th of December. I'm dreading the day. Today I've said to myself 'this is the last thursday I'll be married to my husband' - it's awful. My family will stay with me on the 11th, for support. I hope you too have someone who is there for you.
I'm saying prayers for you and your family,
Evensong
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I feel for you. We're here to listen to and support you - you always have a Friend here (lots of Friends, actually).
It WILL get better, believe me. It will get better. You'll heal. You'll explore new things and realize that you are NO LONGER the Person-He-Tried-To-Cram-In-The-Mould and you are an INDIVIDUAL who can do whatever you want and be whoever you are. You will discover your true self after this Divorce. Trust me, I did. You'll have new freedom from him crushing you underneath his thumb. God bless you Jackie.
Peace and Love (and some Light too!) to you,
Harold
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Jacky, I too will remember you in my prayers. As much as it seems like such a horrible thing, I really feel like the 'divorce' will be a good experience in that you'll finally be able to let go of ALL ties. Not necessarily in your heart, but you'll know that legally you are now separate, and know that you did all you could, and can now pursue your own life, free and clear of any obligations to that moron. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Take care, and plan a big party or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Jacky -
Sometimes reality bites.
Divorce is the loss of a dream. It's the tragedy of the destruction of a family. It's not the way things are supposed to be.
And it is numbing.
Our STBXHs and ExHs are going down the wrong path.
They just are. They are lost, confused, whatever you want to call it. But they have changed, and not for the better.
It's not right and it's not fair.
And it hurts like nobody can believe.
However, the up side is, and yes, there is an up side,
if these men are going to act this way, then for us, and the kids, it is really better that the divorce goes through.
They are not helping or supporting or loving us, and we deserve better.
It is so hard to let go and move to the next phase, but since I'm six months past my divorce, I have noticed that I have grown and changed every day, every week and definitely for the better.
All of those posters who come back years after the divorce and say that they are happy, will be us one day, because it seems to me that if the H's can leave their families then there is something wrong with them, there is something that they just haven't gotten and may never get, and now that we've journeyed through all the pain we know what a marriage can be like and should be like and we deserve to have that, not the disfunctional lives that the WS's are having.
You have gone above and beyond what anyone could expect and your children will one day know and be so proud. And you should be so proud too.
It's not us. It's them. We wanted to work on the marriage, they didn't.
We will be able to make lemonade out lemons despite the bad acts of the WSs.
You just need to keep taking it one day at a time, and don't get down on yourself because it will be hard working through the pain of the next month and then the months after that, but know that you will survive and be a better, stronger person for it. And will emerge on the winning side.
Just continue to look out for your kids. You have good instincts. Hang in there! K
<small>[ December 05, 2002, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</small>
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Jacky. Prayers and love to you and the kids. We are almost exactly in the same time frame here too. You will be better. You deserve more. You will achieve more. You already have done that my friend. In one month I predict a rainbow over Oz and things will be so much better. Cutting free from an adulterer, and a reckless adulterer as well is so freeing. You aren't held prisoner by this pain any longer. You can fly now and you can soar. No limits. No boundaries. No worrying as long as you continue on as a responsible single. The kids will one hundered percent be ok with it when you start dating b/c they know their mum did all she could. That you hung in there and still are hanging in there for your family. That speaks volumes. And our Lord doesn't intend us to suffer anymore from this pain of adultery. That is why when spouses commit adultery and are not at all repentant we are validated in wanting a divorce in the spiritual sense. God allows unrepentant adultery to be a valid ground for it. He knows our pain. He's there still. Cling to him. Pray and don't cease. These last few weeks will be really hard for us now, but we can make it through. Me, you and evensong are going to end this with class. Hold our heads high and remain forever the great women we are. It's their loss and I predict they shall feel it cut deeper than any knife ever could in about a month from now. Just remember to focus on God and remember that it is only a piece of paper. Only a piece of paper and a decree from a minister or judge made us married and only a piece of paper and a judge can free us. We are so much stronger than a flimsy piece of paper. Let ms. clickety clack click away. She's gonna find out one day how it feels to be cheated on. For unless these men change, they will continue to wreak havoc and cut a path of destruction through the lives of the women they are involved with. Like a destructive hurricane that never ends. But even with the end in sight, we can't let things go especially for the kids. We can't fall prey into their foggy way of thinking. They did not win. They lost. So don't give in on the holiday thing. Know I am praying for you and us here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Thanks everyone, I am doing okay, I think. I have not cried a single tear about the 5th, and at times I feel a twinge of excitement that I will actually be free of him in a legal sense. Still never wanted to be divorced, but I am realising that it has GOT to be better than living like that. My biggest concern is the kids, and how he is still trying to get them all to go on holiday with Ms Clicketty Clack. I have been thinking about how he is unable to accept responsibility for any of his actions, and the last recent letter he sent is an example of this....he said: "...it seems so strange <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> that I have to wait all year to see the kids and then, because they have a grudge against me (or because of loyalty to you) they won't get in the car and go on a holiday with their father." Notice that he deflects blame by acting as if there is no reason for the kids to feel a "GRUDGE" or "LOYALTY". That letter just made me so sick. I told him to contact my lawyers about this issue from now on, as I am tired of his whining. The opposite of love is indifference. He displayed this to me when he showed absolute and total disregard for our family when he left. SHE was more important. Well, now I am indifferent to what he feels about not seeing the kids. He has the choice to see them without HER, as that is what the kids want, but he will not do it. I think, well, that is his choice. I could not care LESS what HE wants....to me, the kids' emotional well-being is paramount in this very delicate time. Sheesh, I am not even angry about his selfishness anymore, I just wish he would disappear. I think I WILL throw a party you know....not a real one, but maybe here on the boards. We will see. Love and light, Jacky
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Jacky, YOU GO GIRL!!! I think you should plan a HUGE party - you know, kind of a 'moron' bashing theme... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know, that's immature, but hey, so be it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> You will be okay. I can sense it in your words. You seem to me very grounded, and like you know what you want and where you are headed. Thank God for that! We will find peace and a richness in life again someday, of that I am convinced. I will most likely be where you are at in the next few months, and a big part of me is eager to get it over with. I want to feel free of ALL ties. Take care, and stay strong.
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{{{Jacky}}}
I'm not quite there yet, and I'm the one who filed and who is pursuing the D. Ive been supporting STBXH and MOW for the last 2 years because of our jointly owned business and he's still not satisfied, demanding more and more money from me through his lawyer. Even his lawyer suggested he get a job (she said he gave no response).
Still it's painful and I'm both dreading it and looking forward to being "free." I'd love to attend your "party!"
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Jacky,
Why not a REAL PARTY??? I mean..Why not contact some of your friends..married and single..and see about throwing a New Years Eve party..To bring in not only your new year..but Your New Life..
Start a new New Year's tradition..
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Jacky, I've lost your email. I'll try the one I think it is, but do you think you could email me in case I get it wrong???
Ta,
Moira.
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Jacky,
Hugs and prayers.
You'll make it. You are a lady with incredible strenght and courage.
You have sailed the storms and steered your kids through them too.
Your stbx is giving up a pot of gold.
He and clickclack won't make it.
Take care of yourself.
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Thank you again everyone for your warm and supportive responses. I am doing okay, and not thinking a whole lot about my now 27 days until I am a divorcee.
I am finding my old self more and more these days. I have started teaching again, only one day a week, but it gave me a sense of who I am, besides that divorcee, and someone's mother. I LOVE teaching, and I know it is something I am good at, so it boosts my self esteem immensely.
My son is a big concern right now. More and more I see and feel his sadness over this, and his anger boils under the surface until it blows. But he talks to me, which is a far cry from when this began, when he would just pretend he was okay.
I spoke to almost-X's mother today, who invited me to a family barbecue next weekend. I was declining because I feel uncomfortable with the family enmasse, even though almost-X won't even be there. But she told me not to let this keep me away from them, that I am still their daughter and always will be. She even went so far as to say that the family want to keep me part of things always, and do not want to shut me out....and then she went on to say that it is OW they want to shut out, and ALSO her son, because his actions disgust her. So I have their support, and that means a lot to me.
She then offered to be here, with my father-in-law when almost-X tries to convince the kids to go with him at the last moment. I declined that offer, and I said that I didn't want them to go against their own son. She said that he was trying to bully me and the children, and she would not allow it. I still do not feel right about it though...for obvious reasons.
MB has shown me something very important that can work to my advantage in situations like this. And that is that I HAVE changed. I am not the person I was when he left. I am stronger, much more resourceful and independent, and I get things done. HE, on the other hand, has been singing the same tune since he left...I surmise that he has NOT changed. Therefore, I can 'read' him a whole lot better than he can 'read' me right now.
He won't expect that I have researched our rights, scoured the internet for pertinent bylaws and custody issues, so that I can argue my point fairly and with the law behind me. I KNOW, from what I have read that I will not lose, as he so confidently thinks. He is still trying the exact same tactics to get his own way, but I am smarter now, and I resist. AND I resist only because the children truly do not want to spend their Christmas break with OW. If they were okay with going, I would let them, sadly, but I would not stop it. He does not seem to realise this, he thinks I am influencing the kids because I am jealous. Well, funny, but his recent actions have made me realise more than ever what kind of a man he is, and I can do better.
Okay, getting off my high horse now, I guess I just had to air a few things.
Love and light,
Jacky
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Jacky-
I feel your pain as I just got a call and found out my D will be final this wednesday! We've got a quick 15 minute hearing to verify that we've been separated a year then it's over....I'm still in disbelief about this whole thing. It seems so surreal...I'll be praying for you.
-G
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Yep, isn't life grand! Mine will be in 50 something days and day 60 when it will be made final is on my birthday! Merry Christmas Happy @#$@#@ birthday to me!! GRR. Same thing. I turned myself inside out. He has not changed. Gets the sympathy from me at every turn & Ive been an idiot. OW's now ex-H let me know he thought I was already divorced from the amount of time OW & him spend together, even with her kid that she has joint custody of with her ex.!! She threatened to spank the kid if he mentioned my husbands name to his dad!!! They're both psycho. All the lies and ill treatment & betrayal. ANd he will still stand in front of me like "oh well it just didnt work out" attitude, like it cant be helped & that I am to blame. GRR. I am having a very hard time, cause I still dont hate him. I am afraid of him thinking he can come back again & behave as he did all year - only home to sleep at night on floor in other room. NO WAY! Im not doing this again!! Let her cook him dinner etc. let him yell at her wwhen things dont go his way. He'll see that she'll dump him as soon as he is a free man. She just wanted to prove to herself she could have him, or any man but especially him, since I once told her how close he & I were, & did everything together. The witch took care of that good! I hope she strangles herself with those thongs! Or chokes on a condom! Phew. Vent . . . vent . . . What I was going to say, is to pack up the reminders of him & put them in a box out of sight. Its too much pain now, but you might like to keep a few things for your kids later on. But dont look at them now, just hide the photos, momentos, gifts etc that only bring pain. I need to do that this weekend. So much. How do you erase 15 years of being the one and only everything to each other? I am so bummed. But my friends too, keep saying there are better things in store & I'll like my new life. I hope so! I start a new job next week. Here's to us! Someone mentioned a song . . one of my dance cds has song that goes: You done me wrong, your time is up, You took a sip from the devils cup. You broke my heart, theres no way back Move on outta here, baby, go and pack your bags "Who do you think you are? Stop acting like some kind of star? Who do you think you are? Take it like a man, baby, . . . if that's what you are!!" They say a man can walk in space, but you cant even find my place There ain't nothing you can do, cause I've had enough of me baby, being part of you. etc. (Heh, Heh). I hafta dig this one out & crank it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Hang in there.
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Jacky= On the bright side <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ? soon you will be "available" to us abandoned men, instead of being tied up in a relationship which did you no good in the end! Happiness is for everyone. You're next! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> mozohead
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