I met my wife when she was 17, I was 18 and we dated for about 6 years. We married on dec 18 1993 after a splendid holiday in Jamaica and i always thought she was the woman of my life. Occasionally i have had some feelings for another person just as she did but i never betrayed her bfore D-DAY, which was december 29,2001.
We have had a very bad sexual relationship until our little girl was born in 1998. I always felt like i was married to my sister instead of my wife, but after our little girl was born things on the sexual side improved a lot. Before she was born we had sex maybe once in a month, after that we tried for a second child and my wife started to enjoy sex more and more.
I never betrayed her although she was not filling my needs on SF for maybe 10 years. I loved her very much and never would have done anything to harm them although i had many chances to betray her. I was a DJ for 15 years and i met a lot of beautifull women wanting something more from me, but i never gave in to temtptation because apart of her sexual non-)desire for me or her frigidity whatever you want to call it i loved my wife very deeply and i would never have done something to hurt her.
After our little girl became 2 years old my wife started to change. She became more and more occupied with her job as a sales person which included many evening dinners and parties. I stayed home with our girl when she went out with her co-workers and clients and took care of our daughter more than she did.
Obviously, the inevitable happened. She fell in love with a co-worker in summer of 2001. She had a PA with him for about 6 months .I discovered it jus a few days before New Year last year. Immediatly she went in to defence saying stuff like:

-I never loved you like you loved me
-he (OM) is my soulmate
-I can't have fun with you
-you're always complaining about the household ( because i had to take of it most of the time)
-I need a man , something to fight for
-........
-It was passion
- We have been sexually incompatible for too may years
-I know we started bad on the sexual side and that disturbs me a lot too, because with the OM it went smoothly from start to finish

Anyway, I tried to stay with her epeciallly the first 14 days when she was in deep withdrawal
but nevertheless i hurt me so bad to see her craving for some other guy.
I stayed with my sister for a few days and after our daughter came home from a trip with my wife's grandpârents my wife started to come around.
I said to her things like that can happen but you have hurt me a lot not( only with your lies and deception but even with your difficulty in choosing me over him. ( believe me the words and phrases she said to me in those 14 days hurt me more than the actual betrayal)

After that she frantically called me at my sister's place syaing I don't want to lose you etc...
But at that time i was so hurt...you can not imagine.
She came back to our home 3 or 4 times but i was so mad at her, during those first 3 months....
I discovered some photo's with her and her OM, her and some other co-workers in compromising situations (dancing with another man's arm round her waiste) that i had never seen before, so i kicked her out a few times( not literally, but im my anger).
I asked her to leave her job, which she very reluctantly did after 3 months after D-Day

On the 21st of April 2001 things got from bad to worse. I had been crying daily for several months. We went to marriage counseling several times, but nevertheless she kept on blaming me for her affair and the things i did wrong in our marriage. I became seriously depressed for several months, crying daily and blaming her for the things she did wrong in my opinion.
We had a serious difficult discussion in april and after that she saw me crying in the bathroom and said to me:
" Are you crying again... commit suicide then..."
After that i just snapped and i beat her out of our house(severely)i just could not control my temper anymore.
She took our daughter and only allowed me to see her every 14 days for a weekend.
Of course that has hurt me a lot more because i took care of our daughter as much as she did before D-day.
I went into a serious depression because when i beat her out, i never intended to do so,i was depressed, hurt by her betrayal and her mocking at me over the OM,i just could not resist my own temper.
I went to hospital after a request from my wife and after 14 days in psychiatric ward I came out much more healthy. I asked my wife if i could see my daughter for 4 days but she rejected the request. I got drunk, mashed up her car in anger, and my wife requested to the police i should go back in hospital for xx amount of time.

From then on, my wife would only let me see my daughter every 14 days, under auspicions of a law center, and has continued to do so since August.
One day i smashed her car because she would not allow me to see my daughter for 4 days at my request

My question to you all is:
-She betrayed me
-she lied to me
-she ignored my feelings ( it wasn't so bad the betrayal)
-she has kept my daughter away from me for 7 months already ( I have seen my daughter maybe 30 days since then)
-she filed for divorce with me being the fault of all of it
-she says i put her without any money ( eventhough i haven't been able to go to work for several montyhs due to my depression)
-i tried to make up things to her several times only to get confronted with rejection

I still love my wife in a certain way and miss a lot of good things about her. I hurt every time i have to take my little daughter back to her every 2 weekends ,only to see my daughter running back to me saying " Daddy I want another kiss"

I am still, so hurt, i never seem to get over it.
Most of the time for the last months i would have been crying,pleading,begging,....
and since i have stopped that my wife started to call me instead of me calling her....

What should i do:
ignore her and go on with my life....
or keep on hoping...
because i can not imagine loving someone so deeply again.....

Please, all of you, share your experiences, your opinions,.... i need them so much.... I'm desperate.....

Me 32 BS
SHE 31 WS
daughter 4y
D-Day 29 dec 2001

aegger1,
Sounds like you need to stop pursuing her for awhile and work on yourself. Smashing her car, pleading and begging, crying and carrying on will NOT bring her running back to you, instead she will feel she's made the right decision by leaving! Please get into counseling for your anger problem.....read about MB and avoiding lovebusters.....get a job....become the person she wants to be married to, and raise a daughter with. Only after she sees that you are truly committed to being a better person will she even consider coming back. And even if she doesn't, you will still be a better person for your efforts.

I too in the same situation the more I begged and pleaded and cried and went crazy on the H the more he wanted away from me. I got a tip from a friend of ours saying do not contact him. He now has power over you and you are letting him ruin your life. He said I need to gain controll of my life and let him start to think.. geee why isn't she calling me, as soon as you do that the control turns to you and they will soon wonder what you are doing....as soon as I did this he started to call me. I have not picked up the phone in three weeks to call him, he has called me.

I have learned in a very short time that I can go on with out him and that I control my life not him. Though it is very hard and emotionally draining, it is worth my sanity to gain my own life back. I am doing this now and it feels good but lonley. I have also realized I have felt this way for years even when he was here. The only difference now is that I don't need to concern myself with what he isdoing/with whom or whatnot.

Good luck
cj

ps filed for divorce today!!!!

aegger1-

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you're in this situation and that you're so unhappy. As a BS, I have some idea of the feelings of despair that can come over you, especially in the beginning.

It would be a very good idea, as others have mentioned, that you start taking time to work on yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but try to get to a point where your happiness and overall well-being are not so dependent on your WW's actions. It's a tough road in the beginning but if you put the time in and work at it, you'll see dividends. Just remember that suffering leads to perserverance leads to character leads to hope. Good luck!