I'm sitting here in front of my computer thinking about how long, and how short a time it's been since I was single. On the one hand it seems like at least two, maybe three lifetimes ago; on the other hand, I know it's only been a few years.

There are currently two children watching "Ice Age" and, hopefully, falling asleep on the couches. The four and a half year old is mine, the two year old is not. If you had told me eight years ago that I would have married, had a child, and gotten divorced in such a short time, I would have laughed.

Eight years ago I was single. Not only single, but without a girlfriend. I had already met my future wife, but didn't know it yet. We dated for about a year before we moved in together. It was probably another couple of months before I told her I loved her (she had told me months earlier, of course). After another year and a half, we got married. Shortly after getting married, we bought a house. So far, except for being a homeowner, marriage had been much like living together. Then she got pregnant, end of lifetime number one.

During pregnancy I transitioned from lifetime number one to number two. Being pregnant didn't affect me as much as it affected her, much as she wanted it to. Once the baby was born however, that changed. I don't know if this is true for all men, but I didn't have much to do with the baby until he could lift his head and move around a little. I helped with the diapers and bottles and everything, but the strong emotional involvement really began when he could interact with me. That's when the fun really started.

Unknown to me, when he was about 10 months old, W found loverboy. I didn't find out until five months later. There were warning signs that I mentioned and she deflected, but I didn't push very hard. Once d-day came, life number two ended.

Lifetime number three was no fun at all. The next two months were the worst. She was having an affair with a guy at work (we both worked there), and she was still at home not being sorry about any of it. Things got a little more bearable when he quit and went to work somewhere else, but not much. We separated after a couple of months because I couldn't stand having her around with the affair still ongoing. About three years ago I found MB. Along with counseling, it was the biggest single help to me. A couple of months into our separation she told me she was pregnant.

Two weeks before the baby was born, she came back home. The problem was there were no rules in place for how things were going to be. She was continuing to see loverboy (with the baby) without telling me, and I was not happy about it. I started to see myself as her safety net, someone who would save her when she needed it, not as a husband she respected and loved. During this time I met someone online, which accelerated this whole process. After a few months of no attempt at progress, I told her I wanted a divorce. She figured my folks must have talked me into it because I would never have decided this on my own. Her feeling was that I wasn't capable of making such a tough decision by myself. She told me that she "was going to try to make it work, but now I'm not". Within a couple of weeks she had found a new boyfriend who ended up not being quite as separated as he had told her. Needless to say, it didn't work out.

Lifetime number three ended when we separated prior to getting divorced. Now I was single again but with a lot more responsibility. Now I had a part-time child and was paying daycare and child support. I volunteered to have both kids, but she wasn't interested in me taking her daughter to see my folks at the holidays. Lifetime number four has been much more transitional than our first separation. The first time I always hoped she would come back and we would work on our marriage. This time there will be no reconcilliation, mostly because I don't want one. It took a long time to get used to that idea and to get used to not having my son all the time. I still miss him, but it's not the same because I know I'll see him every weekend. I've even had her daughter more often and more often over night, and it's been great.

When I look back over the last three or four years, I realize how much growing up I've done. I never used to feel my age, or even like an adult, but I know that I'm much more mature than I was. Some days I even feel like a man and not like an overgrown kid. I'm so responsible now, friends from college wouldn't even recognize me. I've gotten compliments from friends who know most of what went on for the way I handled myself. I appreciate them, but I know that there are things that I wish I had done and handled differently. Overall though, I think I did a pretty good job, given the lack of reciprocal effort. I even tell her "no" occasionally which really makes her angry. Oh well, she'll get over it.

Three years after d-day I'm not on here much anymore. I no longer feel like I relate to these problems. Also, the advice I'd give is much different than what it was when I was still holding out hope for my marriage. I think that much of my advice would be counter-productive to the purpose of MB.

I don't know how long this fourth lifetime will last, but it sure is better than the couple that preceded it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by idiotguy:
<strong>I'm sitting here in front of my computer thinking... I no longer feel like I relate to these problems. Also, the advice I'd give is much different than what it was when I was still holding out hope for my marriage. I think that much of my advice would be counter-productive to the purpose of MB.

I don't know how long this fourth lifetime will last, but it sure is better than the couple that preceded it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi IG! Your story is not-so-like mine; however, after reading your Post, I sure can relate - it seems like so long ago when I was living with my wife of 18 years, firmly believing that 'I was in it for good' 2 boys: 13 & 15, and a pretty decent relationship with the In-Laws.
Today, 4 years later, divorced and re-married for 2 of those years with a wonderful woman who is everything my former wife was not - I also look back and see how a lot of the advice I give is different than what I would have given when I was in Divorce Recovery. I had an emotional affair on my wife last year and realize just how incredibly stupid it was of me - when everything I needed was right at home - and the worst part of it is - I went into it 'eyes wide shut' - I was never planning on anything other than just a distant e-mail pen-pal sort of thing with a lady I had gone to high school with and hadn't seen in 27 years! I ended the EA 2 1/2 months after it started and my wife found out, went immediately into Christian Marriage counseling, and began reading Christian Marriage books - ones like "Guard Your Heart - How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage". Then I discovered MarriageBuilders. I use this site to remind me of the tremendous damage that simple - even the emotional ones - that Affairs cause to a Marriage, and worst of all: nobody is immune to them because of our human nature. I look at my wife every single day, tell her how much I love her - really love her - and then realize all over again just how close I came to losing a truly wonderful woman who loves me with all her heart and over what? A few emails, some Instant Messenging with some girl I never went steady with, lives out of state, has been married 6 times, and who has 2 out-of-control children! How incredibly stupid! is the only way I can put it. The Lord has given me a truly 'wonderful life' after my Divorce and I treated it like it was something I could afford to lose over this 6 times married bimbo. Never again is how I see this - never again will I ever ASSume that I'm above the potential for an affair, and so therefore 'guard my heart' on a daily - even hourly basis. I've rambled on long enough, I guess. IG, I personally believe that the Lord has someone waiting for you and your two wonderful children - you sound like a very mature man and 'it is not meant for man to be alone' as it says in the Book of Genesis. I never thought I'd remarry after the Divorce, but it happened and I saw in my wife from the first day I met her - just how opposite she is from my first wife. I had about given up hope of ever meeting a nice sweet woman, but God had other ideas. I'm glad I waited for Him!
May God bless you and your children in this Holiday Season.
Harold

Good story Idiotguy, and something for someone like me to hold onto in the coming years. I think you should walk tall Sir.