You've heard me speak of doofus ------my x.

Last month, I filed an incident report with the police after he threw his car keys at our 9yo son and hit him.

So, the latest problem is....children spent Thanksgiving weekend with him as mandated in our decree. When going through their things when they got home, I discovered that x had given s his Adderall (medication for ADHD) fairly well. Only 1 pill of 4 left. BUT, he had not given him his antidepressant (ALL of it was left).

This is not good. It meant that the child's system had to go up and down in the quantity of the drug in him and that was probably part of the cause of some of the challenges I had with him last week.

So, the children spend a week with him between Christmas and New Years Day. What if he doesn't give him his medication for a whole week.

I am at a loss as to what to do. doofus does not like have s on this drug - like he thinks I'm happy about it. I resisted doing it for months after the psychiatrist suggested it. It wasn't until teacher said he was still falling apart emotionally at school if things got tough and his counselor said she thought it was time to try it.

If doofus doesn't follow the medication plan for a week the child may have a roller coaster ride. And that won't be good for him.

I suppose I will have to have doctor send doofus a letter and explain the importance of son taking the medicine as prescribed. And asking him to call for an appt if he wants to discuss it. doofus got a 'please come meet me' letter about 2 1/2 years ago and never did anything about it. his 2nd w says his participation in this aspect of his son's life is something she wishes she could get him to change - but he has resisted. In all that time, doofus has never paid the doctor a penny, I think.

So, if x gets letter and doesn't get the medicine, what do I do. Report him? To whom. Police? Department of Children's Services which would launch a neglect investigation?

This is not the life I ordered.

I know only too well what you mean. My ex in-laws not only refused to give my D her Concerta but also told her that it was bad for her and that she didn't need it and it could make her sick.

Until they butted in she never even thought twice about the medicine, now I find it hidden in the house, or she makes me feel bad for making her take it, etc.

Anyone should be able to see the difference in her schoolwork and her attentiveness when she takes the medicine. It is for her benefit, not to harm her but they are too stupid or backasswards to talk to the teachers or the doctor to get the facts. They would rather judge me for medicating her.

Granted I don't like it either but I have to do what is best for her.

That is a really big button that my X and his parents continue to push!!!!

Just wanted to say I understand.

Good luck,

Lynn

This does sound serious, and I think that your instincts are right on about the harm it can do to your child of medication is not given right.

Suggestions - letter from doctor is a good idea- especially if it contains lots of horrible outcomes to child if medicine is not taken

Could you call and remind son to take medicine? Can you ask new wife to help? Could you go over to house at time arranged by you and ex for you to give son medication.

I don't know what is in your custody or divorce decree regarding the kids, but if he might let you some by and administer drug yourself - if you ask nicely at first.

Otherwise, I would go to court stating that you cannot turn over son to ex because of medical reasons unless ex allows you to go over administer drugs yourself or allows some other ramification if you find out ex is not doing what he should - like you being able to pick son up and bring him home if you find out a day has been missed.

Yes, it is short notice and I'm sure the courts are all clogged up but, you have evidence of ex already endangering his child's health.

We are the parents and are supposed to do what is good for the children and if we have to fight for their safety then we must find the strength and fight.

Another option is to have son's doctor wean him off the meds before Christmas and then put him back on after. That way your son is under a doctor's supervision and then if ex has to put up with son not on meds for Christmas, then maybe he'll be more agreeable to assisting with giving meds to him. Or ex couls get really mad and take it out on son and you'd have to report him or have him arrested - ok, worse case scenerio.

I'm just brainstorming here.

It's hard to parent with a parent who acts like a child - I know.

But you have to find a way to play the situation to get him to so what he needs to do - or go to court.

Maybe you can have son call you at a certain time each day and if he hasn't gotten the meds yet, then you can remind ex - of course you would tell ex ahead of time that if meds not taken by call, you'll just give a friendly reminder and sn ca ntake them while he's on the phone and that way you'll know it's done. Or you can play it up and say that you are really working with son to be more responsible with meds. and so you are trying a little experiment to see how son does and that you will call to check on son asn see how he did, and then remind son if necesary - try to put ex on your side and pretend it's you two against son.

Just thinking maybe some reverse psycology will help.

Wish I had a guaranteed solution. Maybe a real child psycologist could help with some solutions.

Good luck. K

Hi Cinderella! I'll quote in Caps, as I don't know how to do this cutsie little 'cut and paste' quotes stuff... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>You've heard me speak of doofus ------my x.

Last month, I filed an incident report with the police after he threw his car keys at our 9yo son and hit him.

So, the latest problem is....children spent Thanksgiving weekend with him as mandated in our decree. When going through their things when they got home, I discovered that x had given s his Adderall (medication for ADHD) fairly well. Only 1 pill of 4 left. BUT, he had not given him his antidepressant (ALL of it was left).

This is not good. It meant that the child's system had to go up and down in the quantity of the drug in him and that was probably part of the cause of some of the challenges I had with him last week.

So, the children spend a week with him between Christmas and New Years Day. What if he doesn't give him his medication for a whole week.

I am at a loss as to what to do. WHAT DOES THE COURT ORDER SAY? I THINK THINGS LIKE THIS ARE DEFINITELY NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILDREN - AS THE COURTS LIKE TO QUOTE AND THIS SOUNDS LIKE REAL GROUNDS FOR LOSING ANY VISITATION/CUSTODY - MEDICATION IS MOST IMPORTANT AND THIS IS CHILD NEGLECT!! ANOTHER VISIT TO YOUR LAWYER/COURT MIGHT BE IN ORDER TO GET HIM TO FOLLOW THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS - YOUR EX IS NOT A DOCTOR, AND THEREFORE HAS NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER MAKING MEDICAL DECISIONS REGARDING YOUR CHILDREN! doofus does not like have s on this drug - like he thinks I'm happy about it. I resisted doing it for months after the psychiatrist suggested it. It wasn't until teacher said he was still falling apart emotionally at school if things got tough and his counselor said she thought it was time to try it.

If doofus doesn't follow the medication plan for a week the child may have a roller coaster ride. And that won't be good for him.

I suppose I will have to have doctor send doofus a letter and explain the importance of son taking the medicine as prescribed. And asking him to call for an appt if he wants to discuss it. doofus got a 'please come meet me' letter about 2 1/2 years ago and never did anything about it. his 2nd w says his participation in this aspect of his son's life is something she wishes she could get him to change - but he has resisted. In all that time, doofus has never paid the doctor a penny, I think.

So, if x gets letter and doesn't get the medicine, what do I do. Report him? To whom. Police? Department of Children's Services which would launch a neglect investigation? DON'T WASTE TIME WITH THE POLICE, CINDERELLA. DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN'S SERVICES NEEDS TO LAUNCH THAT NEGLECT INVESTIGATION A.S.A.P. DO IT. FROM WHAT I'VE READ FOLLOWING YOUR EARLIER POSTINGS, YOUR EX (A.K.A. 'DOOFUS') IS A MORON WHO WILL NOT DO ANYTHING UNLESS SOMEBODY PUTS A GUN TO HIS HEAD - FIGURATIVELY OR LITERALLY - IN THIS CASE, LOSING HIS VISITATION/CUSTODY RIGHTS SOUNDS LIKE A REAL STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. SEEING HE CHOSE TO LOSE YOU AND BUST YOUR FAMILY UP FOR SOME SLUTBUCKET, I WOULD DEFINITELY AGREE THAT WHAT HE'S DOING IS NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR SON!! RULES AND DOCTORS PRESCRIPTIONS WERE MADE TO BE FOLLOWED - AS YOU AND HIM BOTH WELL KNOW - BUT SINCE HE CHOOSES TO IGNORE AND BREAK THOSE RULES, HE SHOULD HAVE TO PAY - BEGINNING WITH A NEGLECT INVESTIGATION AND A NICE LETTER OF EXPLANATION FROM YOUR LAWYER DETAILING WHAT'S GETTING READY TO HAPPEN TO HIM SINCE HE CONTINUES DECIDING HE'S SMARTER THAN THE DOCTOR IS. BTW, WHERE DID HE GET HIS MEDICAL DEGREE FROM? K-MART BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL?? HE NEEDS TO SHUT UP AND BEGIN FOLLOWING SIMPLE DOCTOR'S ORDERS - GIVE YOUR SON THE MEDICATION AT THE PRESCRIBED TIME. IT'S SO EASY.

This is not the life I ordered.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Princess, I hope this helps some - I know if I was in your situation that is exactly what I would do - some peeps are so ignorant and believe they 'know it all' that they really are MORONS. Your ex sounds like one of them. It might actually be laughable if it wasn't so tragic - just like my ex-wife - little Ms. 'I'm-Never-Wrong' has had a few wake-up calls lately... Your ex sounds like he's following the same Road...
Harold

My 9 will bug me before he goes to bed about his medicine if I forget. He keeps *me* on track. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Do you think if you sent it with him and asked him to take it himself he would? Every night before you go to bed - after you talk to me - brush your teeth - eat your lunch - whatever.... make sure you take your medicine.

Making a deal with the new wife was a good suggestion if she'll do it...

Getting family services involved would be a pain in the buttinski. Better angle might be having the doc write a quick one to the court "to whom it may concern" compliance with meds is imperative to the childs health, and forwarding that with your description of non compliance to the family court that made the visitation decree. They'll probably just send him a letter at first... but it might be enough to help some.

E

Cinderella -- Both my daughters (6 and 8) take antidepressants for obsessive/compulsive disorder, so I know how important it is for kids to stay on a regular schedule with medication. As hard as it is to medicate your children watching them suffer without it is MUCH worse. Am I right in understanding that your son is 9? Perhaps now would be a good time to make taking the medication his responsibility. Could you buy a pill counter with the days of the week marked and have him start getting in the habit of taking the pills himself at an appointed time? You wouldn't have to tell him that the change was due to your ex-H's attitude. Then when you talk with him while he's with your ex you could remind him about taking the pills. (I know I talk with my kids every day when they're with their dad just to say hi.) In the mean time I guess you really need to document the trouble you have with your ex and the medication, just in case you need to get legal help. It seems a shame to increase the stress on your son by getting the court involved if there's a way around it. Certainly your ex doesn't deserve your generousity on this point, but maybe it would be easier for your son.

I am lucky in that my H sees the importance of the medication in making our girls lives better. At first however, he was totally against it, I think because he felt guilty about the unhappiness he caused everyone. Pretending the kids didn't need the medication was a way of pretending that he hadn't hurt them with his decision to leave. The last thing you want is for your son's health to become a control issue for your ex.

Good luck!

Talked to the dr. He might send him another 'come in and meet me' letter but he won't fuss at him about the meds. Said taking it daily would be optimal. But that missing a week wouldn't send him into a tailspin.

I really don't want to drag it into court.

I think getting doofus's wife involved is a good idea and that self-responsibility would be good. I can put some in a medicine container and show it to doofus and wife and child at same time. That's a good plan. it's about all I can really do except start documenting things.

Going to the courts is only going to make doofus fight back.

Talk with the respectful partner, the one that said she is not happy with the way doofus acts.

Have her read the letter from the doctor, and say, if you need to call me about the meds, call me anytime. She seems to have her head screwed on, and the only sane one in this situation.

You could put on an index card or paper, the time and dose of medication to be administered. Along with it a neat stamp collection, that the son could place the stamp on the card at the designated time of dosage, after he takes the meds. Could have son hand the paper and stamps to his step-mom. That way, she knows what to do, and you could talk to her on the phone about the new system, and the son knows he is responsible too. That way he doesn't feel that he is involving this person (step-mom) in his personal life too. He may feel embarrassed taking the meds, or maybe not. Also, He is taking responsibility for his needs, and this may be a issue too. He may feel he needs to be responsible, but is overwhelmed with the time and dosage. That way, it is layed out for him. Also, they have the medication holders, that are plastic, with the snap off lids for a whole week. Some are divided into morning, mid moring, afternoon, evening, and night. Some have just morning and afternoon, and some just for a day only. Just something that would make taking meds easy, and rewarding for your son.

So this is making him accountable for his medications, and this way, she is there to supervise him, if he needs it, and he can take action with being the one to make sure he takes his medications on time. It could be a great reward system for him, when he returns home, a reward of a night out to dinner at Burger King, or to buy something special at the store. Just a thought, and rewards are so special to kids.

I used to do many things with stamps, colors, charts. I use colors, in charts, and all. Colors are easy to handle, and easy for the each child to see. I gave a color to each child. (we have 4 children). If they were too young, they were assigned an animal. A cat, dog, bird, horse. That way they could see what was under their animal, and their color highlighted each animal and chore. Like making their bed, I drew a bed, simple drawing. Putting clothes away, a simple shirt, a sock, a shoe. Doing the dishes, drew a plate, glass, spoon. Doing kitty boxes, drew a cat in a box. Etc. This was easy to do, and the kids enjoyed being in charge of their charts. I made rewards for them, and it worked.

I think your son will find it fun, to have a system, where he is in control, but knowing that someone is there to supervise too. And to know that if he does well, there is a reward waiting for him at home too. Just a thought.

<small>[ December 13, 2002, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: cry2much ]</small>

My son has meds he takes they aren't anti-d's--they are for another medical problem, bedwetting, this is something that REALLY bothered him..and knowing how embarassed he is about this..I told him to think about it, and if he wanted to I could make a doctor's appt to see if there is something they could do to help him..so a few days later he asked me to take him to the doctors so I made the appointment, and we went in to talk to the doctor, I explained what the problem was, and that son had requested I bring him in..

I let the doctor talk to my son about the medication and how it would help him..he didn't just talk to me..he explained to my son in kids terms how it will help him..so my son reminds me about his meds..or he'll just go in and get them for me to give to him..

So maybe if the doctor explains to your son the importance of this medication for HIM..he will remind his dad or even his step mom to get it for him..My son has even called me when he's stayed the night at someone's house because he forgot his meds and asked me to bring it to him..

So maybe if your son realized the importance of the medication and how it helps him personally he will begin to take it on his own..or remind you he needs it..