I am still having problems with my exh regarding our children, two boys. It is still the same thing about the birthday and holiday celebrations. He wants to celebrate together (his new wife included) or he won't celebrate at all with the children. Since my last post regarding all of this I have refused to talk to him anymore about any of this. I finally had to send an e-mail the other day telling him he can celebrate the way he wants and I will celebrate the way I want and that I no longer will approach this subject.

I am so sick of this. I still believe this is all a control issue and I am still standing up to him. I am tired of hearing how I am not doing what is in the best interests of my children. These are the first birthdays and first holidays we have celebrated since our divorce. Is there anything else I can do?

My exh told our oldest child (6) that his mommy is not letting daddy and his step-mom come to his birthday party because she is not acting like an adult and she is not doing what is best for them, only what is best for mommy. Does this sound like parental alienation? I found out from my oldest child that his daddy told him to ask me if he could come to his birthday party. What is this?!?!?!

One thing after another.......oh, my oldest son also told me a couple of days out of the blue that he wasn't ready yet to call his step-mom "mommy". This totally blew me away. I had to ask him to repeat it. I asked him if anyone said he had to call her this and he said no. Sounds to me like he is being pressured. There dad has been married for 5 months.

What do I do now? My exh gets bent out of shape whenever I mention the visitation schedule. I am trying to make plans for the holidays and need to know how he wants to split the holidays because he doesn't want to go by the schedule. He is constantly saying I am throwing it in his face and I try to explain to him that the schedule is a guideline to go by.

I am sick of all of it.

Thanks for listening,
Kathy

Sounds like to me, yall need to conduct separate celebrations.

Go to the library and get out books on this stuff. When you find something that fits the situation, photocopy it for XH.
There's a great deal of info out there.

Also, see if there is a Rainbows Class in your area. It helps even the youngest kids.

What does your parenting agreement say? I am not at this point yet but, I was advised to keep as close to it as possible becuase if you stray to far apart from it everything just falls apart. The fact that he is saying things like that to your children is down right imature and sending a very negative message to the children. He is putting them in the midddle of this fight and he is not thinking of the childrens best interests. I would go over the parenting plan again and let the children know what it is, holidays seems to be a hard one. My H just called and wanted to take the kids over night on thursday and bring them home on friday and drop them off at school. He is leaving town this weekend for vacation and so he wont' see the kids. I said no and he got all over me and said why are you trying to keep the kids away from me. I just said you are choosing to leave town, that is not my problem. We are not going to schedule things around his life anymore. He was never there before now he is attempting to make up.... Granted my H lives over 1 hour away from our childrens school........

Let me know how things go... this is hard and I know I am in for a fight, because we are not there yet,, divorce has just been filed....

Christine

Abandonedmom -

Yes, it sounds like parental alienation. So document!

The therapists say that the kids do not have to lvoe their step people just respect them as they would any other adult.

My ex is also trying to force step mom on kids.

It confuses the kids because no matter what name you put on those people the kids do not feel the same way about them as they do us, but they try just to please the other parent.

It's sick.

I would also let them talk to a counselor or other adult that they can trust about this. They need a neutral party. And they also need to know how to correctly deal with all of those confflicting feelings going on - whether it's by journaling, talking to a certain person, engaging in a particular activitiy.

Keep the lines of communication open between you and your kids about this and soon they will learn through experience who they ca ncomfortably open up to.

I would just tell the kids that mommy and daddy disagree about the holiday/ birthday thing and that it is not the children's fault - that you are dealign with an adult issue that the children are not responsible for and that birthdays will be celebrated no matter what and not to fear.

It would give you some confidence to talk to a child counselor even if your kids didn't. They may even have some suggestions for you, and perhaps you could get ex to attend either with or without you - or you ca neven suggest he and new wife go.

This actually helped in my situation. The kids counselor was able to convince ex and new wife just to have a second celebration with children and they are doing just that.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to pressure these people into doing what is right.

Sorry to hear that he is still battling you about this. But I think that once he knows you have set your boundary and will not budge, he'll back off and stop saying those things.

K

first of all the X does not need to get the kids involved in the middle. my x tried that a few times. so now i have taken away his visits for awhile. it only hurts the kids when both parents play against each other. try totell the X that it would be special for him to have 2 parties instead of 1. if the parents argue with each other all the time the kids get hurt.
the woman my x was seeing tried to say i wasn't a good mom and that she could do better than me. needless to say i whipped her bottom and then she ended up leaving my x. so my pointis that the kids do not need to be brought into the middle of the agruement.