I am having a horrible time with this mess H put me in.

On the basic every day stuff I am holding up well but the Christmas stuff has me snowed under.

I bought an artificial tree. We usually get a real one but I thought I was going away after Christmas and I wanted to get it up early as the depression comes and goes so suddenly.

I have been decorating and am OK with that, but then I do that for a living, every day so that is nothing new.

I am however having an absolutely horrible time Christmas shopping. Until tonite I have not even bought one gift. I have been to the store several times but walk around in a daze and dont buy anything. I haven broken down in tears in the store and tonite my son was with me. He didnt see me crying in the store but I couldnt stop once we got in car to come home.

I actually bought a couple of things this time but the depression is unbearable and even now at home I cant stop crying. I dont know how Im going to do this and then our anniversary is next week.

my H's cousin comitted suicide 15 years ago because his wife left him for an older man. The family, especially my M-I-L still absolutely hate this woman for what she did, yet now the shoe is on a closer foot and they dont care anything about me, as long as her son is happy. 26 yeras and she hasnt even called me one time to see how Im doing and hasnt even called the kids except on their birthday.

H called today and told my D that he is tired of all 4 of them not calling him. "They will be at MIL"s for Christmas. Blah, blah, blah.

This was his choice, he has to take responsibility for the fallout of his actions.

Please guys, help me get through this, I dont know how Im going to make it through Christmas.

sunrise1 -
You have the support of all on MB! Read my last post, maybe it will help? I'm not sure of your whole story though, did your H have an affair? Is he still having one? Is it something else? If that's the case I know how bad the depression can get...if it gets to be too much than maybe get on some anti-depressants from your doctor?

My strength came from my friends, my church and finally when I decided to tell my folks and my brother, I seemed to become stronger after that, after gaining their support. I have also had much faith in God and in the beginning, got down on my knees (literally) a couple times begging for help and strength through the tears and getting sick and feeling worthless. It took a while, but God heard me and put His arm around me and said "I'm here for you and I love you and you don't deserve this". I was blinded by love for quite some time, even before I officially found out about the A, there were so many other signs I chose to ignore before because I didn't want to deal with the truth. Sometimes that's the only way, to go through complete darkness before seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope it all works out for you and you gain your strength and happiness back soon.

And who says you have to get any gifts for your H this year? Does he deserve it?

Zany, I did read your last post. Thank you.

H and I have been married 26 years next week. Most of those 26 yeras have been hell. H is great when he is clean and sober. Like when I met and fell in love with him. H however had multiple addictions all his life that he had under control for a short while while we were dating.

Then, the sleeping tiger of addictions woke up. H has had many periods of abstinence throughout our marriage, but he relapses worse each time and never treats the infection. Only puts a bandaid on it. His drug of choice are narcotics. Went through drug detox, but never rehab. Has never worked the program of AA or NA.

4 yeras ago H started severe oxycontin addiction. 2 years into when addiction was at its worst H stated affair with co-worker. I found out pretty quick, said he ended it and would look for new job. Never did either. Fot 2 years H and I have been going to counselor pretending he was trying to save marriage when the whole time he was still carrying on with her. Since he couldnt go out nites and weekends, they were playing hookey from work

Oct 5 he left note on bed and took all his things and it has been a nitemare for me and 4 kids (mostly grown). We really did a lot of things together, had fun, alot in common. Our biggest problem was the drugs and aalcohol causin financialstress, physical and emotional abuse etc,

anyway, I have filed for divorce. Did pretty quickly as it really has been 26 years in the decision process. Talked it over with kids and they were like. Do it, they saw too much abuse that I had taken. Not one of them even hesitated. Now they want nothing to do with dad, and of course, Its my fault, the angry bi$%h, turning kids against him.

In his denial, he cant blame hmself. They see all the lies, cheating, stealing and abuse (this from the man who taught their SS class for years). He has turned his back on God (he told me days after he left "Gods plan and my plan are not the same thing") and all that is right to live a life of sin with OW and drugs and alcohol. OW is 20 years younger than him...only a few years older than our oldest <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

P.S.

Im not looking to buy him anything for Christmas except maybe a cemetary plot.

Im having trouble buying for my wonderful children and wonderful bro, sis-i-l and 2 neices. Im just having trouble that Im without my H this year, and probably forever. Having trouble with the idea that he is out shopping with OW, buying for my kids and he doesnt even know the meaning of Christmas.

(((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to how you felt in the store. I'm not there now, but have done the same thing. One year it was sooo bad (same reasons as today) that I was feeling so bad I didn't start Christmas Shopping til 10pm on Dec 23rd !!!! Yipes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> with 3 young kids. We were living in a 1 BR efficiency type place. On my way home I listened to a Christian radio show & it told how greatful this mom was that her D was in the hospital over Christmas cuz that meant she was getting better. I went home and cried at my kids feet while they were asleep in bed & felt graditude for what I did have.

It is hard, but with God's grace you will get thru it. It's OK to grieve. It's part of a stinky process that there is no way around.

Sounds like you are better off keeping distance between you and the kids and SIL. It's OK to do that and they may not like it but that;s too bad. Just envision that you are wearing teflon and nothing sticks to you that they say !!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It was strange, I have been working like crazy trying to get some yukky filing done and felt a strong urge to check in. That's the second time that you have posted like this and I had a nudge.

There is a herbal supplement "Happy Camper" that is wonderful. (I used to own a health food store) There are days that I don't know what I would do without it! It's also great for D's PMS. The whole family is happier when she's on the "happy pills"

Sunrise, just put one foot in front of the other. YOu have so much on you right now, go gentle on yourself. Have you been to Alanon lately? I don't know what I would do without my alanon buddies.

God Bless,

D.

havent been to al-anon in several weeks. I was supposed to teach class at work last Thur but we had that horrible snow storm and class was postponed to this thur. I wont be able to go till next week unless I go to one where Im not familiar with the people. there is another on Fri.

I am on anti-depressants. They dont seem to be working so well right now.

I visited GYN this morning. Problem relating to decrease in hormonal output. While I was there I insisted on a second HIV test, so that had me worked up too, having to explain that to the MD and then the lab techs looks while drawing the blood.

<small>[ December 09, 2002, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I visited GYN this morning. Problem relating to decrease in hormonal output. While I was there I insisted on a second HIV test, so that had me worked up too, having to explain that to the MD and then the lab techs looks while drawing the blood </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep that teflon on & dont' worry about the looks. It's your life you are talking about. I was fortunate to have a very understanding OB/GYN & staff, but I have been to some offices and not felt as comfortable.

My Mom was telling about the snow & ice. She is not even going to a funeral in Cape May cuz she didn't want to fall on the ice. Many years ago, she had a hip replacement.

Recently, I quoted a project that may be near your - Williamstown Middle School. I provide architectural products to commercial buildings. ( As well as a health consultant.)

(((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))))) Here's another cyber hug. You will get thru this.

D.

williamstown is next town to me.

I am taking D and sons girlfriend to Cape May this weekend for Christmas candelite tour of the victorian homes.

I really want to go, but it will be tough as H and I did this 2 years ago for our anniversary. Stayed there in one of those charming B&B and we were supposed to go there this anniv too. In fact only 5 days before he flew the coop, he had me going into places there to see if there was rooms available for this year. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But I have to go on with my life, and this tour is something that I really enjoy.

OOPSIE! Please ignore this and read my next post...
Harold

<small>[ December 09, 2002, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunrise1:
<strong>P.S.

Im not looking to buy him anything for Christmas except maybe a cemetary plot. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Sunrise1. I'm sorry to read of your heartbreaking situation by your thoughtless selfish husband. I pray the Lord will give you peace and healing in this time of sorrow.
When I read your PS on this, I had to grin - I know this is no laughing matter, but you have posted something that if you were to read it any other way, it would be funny - an "Instant Classic". I will say that laughter helped speed my healing thru my Divorce and subsequent Divorce Recovery - that and lots of prayer and support from my Family.
May the Lord bless you, Sunrise1.
Harold

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am taking D and sons girlfriend to Cape May this weekend for Christmas candelite tour of the victorian homes.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am soooo jealous - I love Cape May & the candlelight tour sounds wonderful. Is the tour just this weekend? It's been many years (probably early 90's since I have been to Cape May. There are so many interesting buildings there. The old ones have so much more character.

I just did a Christmas tour of homes in my area along the beach with another friend in recovery. We sat on the 2nd floor porch overlooking the water talking for over an hour. It was so peaceful.

When I was younger I used live down the shore for the summer. I've stayed in Cape May, Avalon, Wildwood Crest and Longport. Wow that brings back a lot of memories. Some with WH and some not.

Harold, I just skipped over the cemetary polt gift idea. You are soooo right, we have to keep a sense of humor or we will be the ones that need the plot if not physically, then mentally!
That could be included in the anual Christmas letter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This year, I am very glad that I am not doing the Christmas thing at my house. It will be fun to go to my mom's. Many years I went to Wannamakers for the Christmas display. We took the kids in 93 which was the last year I was in Penna for the Holidays.

Along the way, we will go to DC for YS. Everyone else has seen it but him. He was disapointed this summer when we went by it soooo many times and never stopped. I have a good friend and prayer buddy there & I stay at her B & B.

((((((((((((((more hugs)))))))))))))))))

D.

{{{{sunrise}}}}

I really understand how you feel (check my signature line...). I hate shopping anyway and ended up doing all my shopping on line - took me all evening till 1:00 a.m. - just me and my credit card, no lines, no traffic, etc. (I did not get any gifts for my H!)

I wasn't going to decorate, but my H's lawyer called saying he wanted 1/2 the ornaments and since they were out already,I finally put up and decorated the (fake) tree after all.

This is my first Christmas without my H - even though last year , we were talking about reconciliation and going to MC together (even though he was living with OW and lying to me about that and I was seriously in denial).

I don't know what I would've done without Al-Anon. I've gone off and on for many years - as many years as we've been together - but I've finally really connected to the group. I think it's because my goal is no longer just to get my H to go back to AA and restore my marriage, this is really for me. Just like alcoholics, we have to hit our own bottom, and this experience was really it for me.

BTW, a woman in my Al-Anon group told her grown, alcoholic daughter who was always asking for financial help, that the only thing she'd buy her was a cemetery plot and cut off all other financial assistance. Her daughter actually got sober not long after this!

WGTT. Victorian house tours are 12-14 and 12-28. 5:30-8:30 and are $22 each. Reserve, as they sell out by that day.

LT, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks. I know you know what Im going through. And I know its only going to get worse before it gets better.

D spent some time on my bed talking late when she got home from work. She seemed so depressed. About the future..to do everything right and still get screwed with a H who leaves you, she just turned 18 and she seems so shattered. All that she believed ripped apart and terrified that she or her brothers could also become alcoholics

Hi, sunrise,

I just wanted to add a cyber hug...

{{{{{{{SUNRISE}}}}}

Free <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((((((((((((((((sunrise))))))))))))))))))))))

Just a thought here - a very dear friend of mine worked as a flower arranger and at times seems to feel a bit depressed even tho she had no reason to. Also her hormones were giving her problems. What she found out by a process was that during busy times she handled more flowers which meant she handled more pesticides on the flowers. Pesticides are known to create havoc with mood and hormones!!!! She took lots of vitamin C & something to help with her mood & it seems to help a lot. Something to think about.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WGTT. Victorian house tours are 12-14 and 12-28. 5:30-8:30 and are $22 each. Reserve, as they sell out by that day.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was excited to hear it will be on another day but then realized thats the day we get together in NYC. Oh well, I'll put that on my list for another year.

Lets Try says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> don't know what I would've done without Al-Anon. I've gone off and on for many years - as many years as we've been together - but I've finally really connected to the group. I think it's because my goal is no longer just to get my H to go back to AA and restore my marriage, this is really for me. Just like alcoholics, we have to hit our own bottom, and this experience was really it for me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's exactly where I am. I went in and out (mostly out) of alanon for 17 years. Now, I crave it cuz it's for ME.

LetsTry - you said that you would be in the DC area over Christmas - When do you arrive? I will be in Chantilly, VA from 12-20 to 12-22 or so befor I go to my Mom's in Phillie.

sunrise says:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> D spent some time on my bed talking late when she got home from work. She seemed so depressed. About the future..to do everything right and still get screwed with a H who leaves you, she just turned 18 and she seems so shattered. All that she believed ripped apart and terrified that she or her brothers could also become alcoholic </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe that's a good thing that she will go into the future with out rose colored glasses. To take what can be learned from MB & alanon to create a better future. (I know .... I have a almost 17 YO D & they have to pick up the tools and use them but at least they know they are there. I didn't)

As far as her brothers, there is good possibility that they could end up alcoholics. A counselor told me one time that God could intervene directly. My OS who is a very fine 21 YO is a potential candidate himself. Depends on where HE takes his life. There are many I know in AA who grew up in alcoholic families who said they would NEVER become alcoholic do it anyway. The blessed ones are the ones who realize the problem and find AA. I pray for my S (all my kids) daily. I sue the power of a praying parent.

I am looking forward to our get together in NYC on the 28th. My D is going - I don't think I want her at the lunch and maybe she will have something more exciting to do. If she is there I may not be as free to talk about some things, as I have shilded all the kids from a lot of the antics of their Dad. There may come a time to tell them more, but my sponsor advised not now.

God Bless, Hope you have a great day today, and your kids too.

D.

Didnt do to well on the Christmas shopping trip again last night. Broke down in tears in store again. Pulled out my cell phone..looked at it and said "no Way"

I was about to call H and blast into him for making me feel so bad. I regained my strength and said he will never see or hear me cry again. NEVER. If I have to cry my eyes out every nite by myself, he wont see it.

Well about to attempt another shopping trip. Taking my D with me. Hopefully Ill be OK this time.

WGTT, Thanks for asking. I'll be in Virginia from 12/23 - 12/27. Sounds like we'll just miss each other <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Hey, if you're ever in California, visiting Yosemite National Park, come by and visit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !

well, did Ok on the shopping with my D. Had fun and had a good time at Dennys for snack after. Was able to laugh and bond with my D without the stress of dysfunction that has been pretty much our whole life.

I start my new therapist next week. just in time cause I am feeling more and more thoughts of suicide and I have been taking anti-depressants regularly.

Broke down in tears again at work today, Im OK if busy but weather was yucky and not too many customers and my assistant called out sick so I was alone with too many sad thoughts.

And Never say Never...Had to call H tonite as I got cancellation notice of life Insurance policy in mail today. H said he would cooperate and get the required physical..But of course he didnt...so I had to call and badger him to get policy reinstated. He said I hadnt been cooperative...

I didnt give him a budget (lawyer is working on that with D papers)

said I havent encouraged kids to have relationship with him...why should I?, but I havent discouraged either

He wants to come over and "do things around the house" He didnt do "things" around here before, why now??? I am woman hear me roar!!!!! I did the "things" around here before and I can still manage without him even though my heart was broken my intelligence and muscles werent.

But anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I did end up in <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I just feel so rejected, even though I know the psychology of addiction and addictive thinking I still cant comprehend a human hurting someone so bad.

AND he did admit to me that all is not well on the whore front. Trouble in paradise. Admitted that he is not happy. Wasnt happy with me and now they are having problems..

I said "maybe you were unhappy because of the addictions...not me, but you couldnt admit that, that means you will have to confront your addictions and do something about it" I think there was a small chink in the armor. Ive seen that before but he seals it up again quite quickly.

He said he had no regrets about marrying me, why should he. For better or worse..He got the better while I got the worse. Why should he feel bad about that????

Hes been gone 2 months..I need to recover

I was disturbed when I saw your mention of suicide thoughts on your most recent post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...please banish those thoughts, please. YOU are a great person, please take care of yourself. YOu know from my other post that I know how you feel, all to well. And I've had those same fleeting thoughts. But I could never do that to my kids, and I'd never do that to HIM...it's letting them win in some sadistic way. I want to walk out of this proud, whole and with a life ahead of me with respect and dignity. And I want that for you too. I told H I felt like a disposable dishrag, and he said oh no, I'm not treating you like that! Yeah right. You know it's the fog and the addictions and it hurts you like hell, but you can get through it, we will get through it and God will help us. I believe that with all my heart, and hold on to it when the tears fall.
However, if I hear Karen Carpenter sing "Merry Christmas Darling" one more time, I think I'll "strangle" some poor hapless customer..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Well, got through today without crying. First in about a week <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Taught my class tonite, went well and picked up extra money <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but missed another al-anon meeting. Hopefully I can make next weeks. I miss the boost I get there..

Gotta go, I didnt sleep well last nite after conversation with H. For first time he showed a little remorse for what he did although he's not ready to enter re-hab or even thinking along that line. I think he is on the verge of admitting he has a problem.

Looking forward to victorian cape may christmas tour and adventure in NY with D. I was able to get off Friday 12-27 and we are planning on leaving very early. Requested regis and kelly tickets, but I know that is probably an impossibility, but it would be nice if a Christmas angel pulled some harp strings for me and came up with a couple of tickets.

Kelly ripa is from next town over from me...Maybe I could call her mom and pop and make request <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />