Okay, I'm feeling a little wooozy right now, but I DID IT! I kicked his tookus out tonight! He just left.

Here's what happened. Over the weekend, I did a good job. We had some "chores" to attend to, and I attended to them. We had some family, holiday, get-togethers to survive, and I survived them without a fuss or a scene. I was the picture of civility, even to him. But in private, I DID tell him that "things were not okay" and that it was not going to just "go back to the way it was"...but it seemed like he wasn't listening!!! He just acted like nothing new had happened (well...nothing new HAD)!! Anyway, so today while he was at the office, he left his laptop here at home turned on and dialed up...so I snooped around. Naturally, I found about 20 email addresses of names like "discreet_sue@someplace.com" and this pissed me off, so when he came home I told him so. I didn't yell either! I just said, "how long has this secret email account been open?" and "what else did you do with this account...join sex groups or what?" (which, of course, he denied everything). Then...when I showed him the list of email addresses I had, he got SUPER defensive and tried to yell at me for accusing him...and I almost rolled over laughing! Is he KIDDING ME??? I have the right to accuse him after the way he's behaved!! PLUS, I have the evidence right in front of me! It's not an "accusation"...he really DID these things and really WROTE to these people!! But I'm the bad guy, right?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Anyway, we discussed this for about an hour, and at the end of the hour it was almost time for me to go get my D at school, so when he said I had to stop my attacking, accusing tone or he would have to move out (haha--what a joke), so I said, "Fine. Move out. That isn't a threat anymore" and he started packing his things in a huff. Then he said he'd be going to the poker game tonight and he would THINK about what he wanted to do (nose in the air). He went around the house mumbling and swearing under his breath (but loud enough for me to hear) and finally I said to him, "So is this how it's gonna be? You're willing to break up our marriage rather than stop yourself from being mean to me and yelling at me?" Did he stop and say, "You know, honey, you're right. This is stupid of me"? HECK NO!! He said, "WHEN DID I YELL AT YOU I HAVE NEVER RAISED MY VOLUME!!" Yep, he'd rather be "right" than "married." Finally, I printed out a letter that another wayward spouse had written who had come to his senses...and I gave it to him to read. Meanwhile, I left to go pick up the kids at their schools.

Well...as I picked them up, I told the kids, "I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to tell you. When I left the house to come get you, dad was packing his things to move out. I do not know if he will still be there or not when we get home. I just thought you should know so you're not surprised...like give ya a little warning." Then I asked my kids if they had anything they'd like to say or any feelings they'd like to get off their chest. Guess what?? My kids had PLENTY to say, and the #1 thing was, "Mom! Stop this!!! Every couple months he moves out and then you let him have another chance! Something has GOT to change or it will just keep happening! Stop letting him do this to us!" Wow, I was stunned. I thought they'd be hurt that he was threatening to go again, and in reality they were MAD! (Good for them. I'm glad they have enough self-esteem to be mad when they are treated this way.)

Anyway, during the night, I took the kids to exchange some rollerblades (wrong size) and then we went out to dinner, and when we got back home, he had left and gone to the poker game...but his luggage was still at the house. Then, he calls and says he knows what he has to do and he just needs some time to do it...can he sleep on the couch until tomorrow so we can discuss what we're going to do and can I give him a chance blah blah blah. Now...my head was angry to see his fake tears too little too late...but my heart was half way thinking, "Okay...I'll be reasonable...he can sleep on the couch" knowing full well that he'd try weedle his way back into the family life. Oh well, I am a little softy, what can I say?

(BTW, why is he going to a poker game when his marriage and family are on the line???)

Back to our story. The kids and I had a GREAT night!! They did their homework. I wrote emails. We talked. We watched a little TV. We joked around. And for about an hour, I sat down and made contingency plans for jobs or where to move if he just WON'T leave or kicks us out or who knows what! So, I'm sitting on the couch (after the kids were asleep) and he calls to say he's on his way home. Remember...at that point I was thinking of having him sleep on the couch... So we chit chat a minute and he says, "So what do the kids know? Did you tell them? Of course you did" and I tell him what I said up above. Now, I'm thinking I'm being a very decent person to have him sleep on the couch instead of kicking him to the curb and GUESS WHAT HE DOES?? YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT--oh, wait. Maybe you will...

HE YELLS AT ME!!

Yes, that's right...he YELLS at me. I will quote here: "You mean you're not going to take ANY responsibility for kicking me out of my own home?? Oh of course not. You're never wrong. You're the queen. You're perfect." Soooo...I told him I didn't need to listen to that and hung up on him. GOOD FOR ME!

In my head, I thought to myself, "I'm NOT responsible for this!! I WANTED our marriage and I worked for it!! All I needed was for him to be somewhat reassuring after finding those email addresses--and telling me I have every right to feel that way--and for him to be a little civil tonight!! That's TOTALLY REASONABLE!! HE is the one who chose to be a lying, cheating jerk and he's trying to shift the focus of blame to me. HE is the one who chose to threaten to move out...I just went along with it. HE is the one who REFUSED to stop his packing and talk when I asked him if this was how it's gonna be. HE is the one who chose to go play poker!! And HE is the one who decided to blame me tonight! HELLO! I'm NOT responsible for this, and I'm not going to take the blame for his bad behavior!"

Naturally, within minutes he called back, and I told him, "Your luggage is out in the garage...on YOUR side of the garage. The house is locked up and deadbolted. Open the garage door...get your stuff...and leave. Do not try to come into the house, or I will call the police."

Then he said, "Fine, I'll get a room!" as if HE made the decision!

Well, he tried a few more tricks, but guess what?? I'm wiser now. I don't fall for them anymore. He did the "Sad Puppy Eyes" trick and the "I guess I'll be seeing you around" trick.

SOOOoooo....pray for me. HARD! I feel like I might throw up or pass out or something! Please, GOD, pray that I don't give in to his tricks or give in because I feel lonely or sad. It's weird, isn't it?? Because I DO feel sad...REALLY sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I wanted this to work SO MUCH, you can't imagine. I wanted him to come through and be my hero for loving me so much and wanting our marriage so bad. He had a choice: face his demons and have a wife who loves him and a family and a home...or run away from his demons and lose his wife and family and home. He chose to run away, and that makes me SO SAD. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> God, I wanted him to be afraid but choose to stay! I would have stood by him forever if he had just faced his demons and stayed!!!!!

I did it. I jumped. Now, I feel like I'm falling.

CJ

Hi Faithful Wife! I'm sorry your Marriage came to this, but YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! You say you're falling - wait - you have God and soooo many friends here on MB to catch you. Don't despair - what you did took real chutzpah (guts) and there are so many who can't do it; they would rather go on being a doormat than do what you did. It's like this: you did NOT make the choice - HE did! Playing a poker game when his Marriage is nearly out the window? Give me a break! Shows how screwed up his priorities really are. Lying to you about his computer 'slut email buddies' - and then you catch him red-handed so he takes the USUAL approach of 'In-The-Fog' peeps - he goes on the attack. You did the right thing. I'm sure when others read your Thread they'll agree - you are not a doormat - you are a living breathing woman with feelings and lots of love - it's too bad your hubby is throwing all that away with BOTH hands.
Keep your head up and know that you got lots of MBers praying for you - soon as they read this Post.
God bless you, heal your hurting heart, watch over you and your wonderful children, and keep you strong.
Harold

Good for you.

I know it's hard, but he's apparently trying to manipulate you.

You have a firm grip on the situation.

You used his manipulations against him and he's still spinning. Cheaters are such manipulators. I'll never forget this look my XW gave me one time. I never believed she was capable of such deception.

Either he'll snap out of his stupidity or you'll be rid of him. It looks like Plan B is in order. You've apparently been enabling him by taking him back over and over.

Keeping a marriage together in order to keep the family together has its limits. Your children apparently can see to that enough is enough.

You've stopped playing his game and now he's peaved.

Don't play games, tell it like it is.

Be the rock.

I'm proud of you. Chat anytime.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{faithful wife}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Been there done that. Are you sure he went to poker game???? and save copies of any evidence you have of affair in safe place.

I asked H to leave Good Friday. I had taken day off from work so we could do something as a family, used his car to run an errand and found empty bottle of vodka on front seat of car. Asked him to leave till he straightened himself out. He left angrily and then came home later, walked right in as if nothing was wrong. Told me he checked into it and I couldnt just throw him out. Got dressed with new shirt and belt and went out. Said he went to some guys house, but I know he was with her. Came home next day and said he was wrong, he would try harder blah, blah, blah and I let him back

well, he didnt try any harder, oh yeah...he tried harder to have relationship with OW and tried harder to keep it a secret from me. and tried harder to cover his drug and alcohol use.

Anyway, he's gone for good now. I just need lots of prayers to get me through this. Ill pray for you to keep strong.

DONT LET HIM BACK

Faithful Wife,
You sound very strong - good for you - making a stand for yourself - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - See the children always have a clear picture of everything and it is funny - after all the crap that I went through and I decided ok it is over because of the kids - they were actually ok with it - They didn't want me to be hurt anymore - and they wanted a normal life. Well we have been divorced since October - but I haven't figured out what normal is - there are still the overwhelming days when I am like Oh God - I cannot believe that I am divorced - I still love my husband and I know that I tried my hardest - but you know when people say that aliens abduct the wayward spouse - well they are on to something - because my husband tends to put all of the blame for everything on me - and the sad part is in his mind he is justified for cheating on me and ruining our family - because I won't forgive him - which is crap because I would have - but you must stay strong and remember that you will have good days and bad days.....

maw64:

- but you know when people say that aliens abduct the wayward spouse - well they are on to something - because my husband tends to put all of the blame for everything on me - and the sad part is in his mind he is justified for cheating on me and ruining our family -

TR- This is not an alien abduction..this is the sin nature of mankind..look back to the Garden of Eden when Adam blamed Eve for his eatting the fruit..and Eve blaming the serpent..it's a matter of him going before God and facing his own sinfullness..

--because I won't forgive him - which is crap because I would have -

TR- You can forgive him if you choose too, forgiveness doesn't mean you agree with what they did or what they are doing..and it doesn't mean you have to take them back..

CJ,

I've known you for over two years and I know how hard you tried to make this work. I've said all along that it takes two to make it work, one can't do it alone. You've done all you can, now it's time to take care of yourself and your kids.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

CJ and everyone who posted on this thread so far -

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

CJ - I can so relate to what you have written. Good for you to stay strong thru this. There are many on this board who have struggled or are still struggling to be strong and do the right thing only to be taken advantage of by the WS.

Please share how you have gotten to this point !?! What is different about you ? Your thoughts? How did you stay calm thru this?

My day is comming very soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

It is amazing what the kids notice - they may even have a better sense about it. A friend of mine who was the BS told me that her D knew about her dad's A before her Mom did. Her D told her the same thing. Dont let him back in unless he really changes. WOW.

My 16 YO D ended up the the ER this past weekend from alcohol poisoning. (2nd time she drank) The nurse told me when I walked in that D really hated her Dad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> D told me that she doesn't want to see her dad again.

BrambleRose talks about a peace when she filed for her 2nd DV. Maybe thats where you are - you have found the peace because it's the right thing to do at this time. It must feel good not to accept unacceptable behavior.

I did it. I jumped. Now, I feel like I'm falling.

I think that is normal !!!!

D.

((((((((((CJ))))))))))

You DID it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I found about 20 email addresses of names like "discreet_sue@someplace.com" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">V.S.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did it. I jumped. Now, I feel like I'm falling</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Too bad he didn't have the same "feeling" when he chose to gamble with his marriage, his wife and his children.

Enjoy the quiet, enjoy your children who also need to feel protected. They have asked you for change. Your childrens words speak volumes.

You aren't alone, not by a long shot!

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Gayle

Well done CJ, just popping in to offer my support, but I have had a few issues here that have kept me busy. Stay strong!

Love and light,

Jacky

Quoting Dr. Phil Mcgraw why does ones spouse (or whoever) treat you disrespectfully (etc.)... "because they can".

This isn't really about your marriage, it is about you, and how you want to live your life, you just made a life change (if you stick to it), you have said FW matters, her well-being is important. It is very hard for nurturers to do that, but if you don't stick to it, you will greatly diminish your value to everyone in your life, and most importantly diminish your value to your children. Accepting years of manipulative verbal/emotional abuse and neglect has taken its toll, you need a lot of healing, make sure you realize this, and give yourself time.

The first step is making a decision you will no longer live like that (you just did that), the second is focusing on yourself, it is essential you reestablish your identity independent of your spouse. No matter how you feel (and you will wobble alot) do not let him return (or you leave if he gets legal on you, and can make it stick). You must build a completely indepedent life first, and HE must demostrate for a very long time he is safe, promises and words mean absolutely nothing, they are always lies (no matter how well-intentioned).

If he applies all the rules of protection, attends counselling regularly for a long time, and for awhile, maybe a year or so, pursues you faithfully, and safely, then you can believe you have the real deal (maybe), and try living together one more time (assuming you still want to spend the rest of your life with this individual, and you may not want that).

In the meantime (if he is sincere in wanting it to work), he should be agreeable to the necessary legal documents re finances while seperated, custody/visitation issues, etc. You have been here long enough to know the dangers involved when controllers are finally confronted, protect yourself while they are more likely amenable to cooperation, act swiftly.

It "feels" like you are losing, giving up, by being strong and healing yourself you actually are doing the best you can for a good marital outcome, but if that fails (and the odds aren't that great, unless you lower your expectations), you and your children will still win, and so will your H (because his kids will benefit from a healthier mother, and I assume their welfare is important to him). Most everyone can marry, make babies, and love their kids...but that has nothing to do with the capacity to be a healthy mate.