One thing I find is that EVRYONE tells you that you should "Let Go". You know "after everything Neil WHY are you still trying to hold on?" type comments, friends, family, counsellors.

It's all a moot point, how DO you let go if you do not want to? It's like you are forced to let go because they are to hurtful to hold onto, or you have to in order to protect your own sanity or be ill.

It would be easy to think that there is a nice, clean process to go through but there isn't when you want the person to see it and come back.

What practical steps if any other than Plan B and Divorce did you take to let go, and how long did it take you? Neil.

You're right, Neil, there is no clean & easy process of letting go. It comes in fits & starts. You think you've moved on and then the reality that you still love that person & want to stay with them comes back and hits you in the face. At some point though, you will have to admit that it is over. I too was in the same position as you, faced with a spouse who did hurtful & destructive things. And it took me years to finally call it quits. Then it took almost 5 years after that to get over him.

My first XH beat me throughout our 7-year M. After each beating, when he sobered up, he would cry & beg forgiveness. And I'd believe him and keep on hoping that this really was the last time, that this time he'd really change.

Do you know what finally made me decide to leave? When my work supervisor forced me to see this behavior as affecting someone besides myself. My supervisor had the guts to speak harshly & truly, and he said, "if you don't leave this man, your daughter will hate you for the rest of your life. You are destroying her by staying with him." And he was right. My XH didn't beat her, but he was abusing her by beating me. I finally realized, by letting him treat me this way that I was lowering myself in her eyes, as well as damaging her emotionally. I went home & threw my H out of the house then & there and started Dv proceedings.

So you ask, do you keep on loving your spouse even then? Do you continue to have doubts and try to reconcile? I know I did. A lot of that was because we couldn't finalize our Dv for a couple years after we separated. And every time I saw him he would try to convince me he'd reformed, and I'd believe him & go out with him or let him visit me. And of course I'd soon discover he hadn't changed at all - and I'd wind up beaten, my home trashed, my daughter crying again.

And even after the Dv, you keep on loving and hoping for a miracle. Or at least I did, despite all logic saying to let go. Eventually I did let go completely, but it took years. And at some point you too will realize that this person - your XW - is no good for you or for your family, and you'll give up completely.

No, you won't reach that point of no return for a long time. It's a long tough road, isn't it? No magic cures to get us through and take away the pain. Nothing to make us forget, except the love and support and advice we get from our friends and family.

Re-reading this note makes everything sound so gloomy & hopeless. I hope you don't take it that way. I actually was trying to say, "there is hope at the end, just be prepared for the emotional battles you'll have to fight along the way, and know that there are people here to help you fight them."

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SH94:
<strong>You think you've moved on and then the reality that you still love that person & want to stay with them comes back and hits you in the face.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep. And that sucks. Happens over and over and over....

Will this back and forth emotional roller-coaster never end???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

-Wishin'

Thanks again SH94, again this morning my Wife told me she wants the DV she is not coming home she says.

I am going to give it to her, whilst I love her thats not enough for her now, heaven only knows what she wants or needs. It has been a miserable 2003 so far and is only going to get worse before it gets better I suppose.

I will probably leave MB's soon, so that she cannot read what I am doing. I need to distance myself completely from her so that my feelings hopefully in time will die off.

Best Wishes Neil.

I haven't posted a lot to you but I've been following your story from the beginning. And I've seen you getting jacked around by your W's craziness from the very beginning. That's what compelled me to finally say something, because it was so similar to what I'd done. I allowed myself to get sucked up into these games & become an emotional wreck because of them. Me, who had always been so strong and independent and level-headed! So speaking from my own experience, I can say you're absolutely right - distancing yourself from your W is the smartest thing you can do. It really will help you heal faster.

But seems to me it would be a real shame if the MB board lost your experience. Believe it or not, you've learned an awful lot through these terrible times, and you really are getting stronger, despite the intermittent setbacks. There are a lot of "newbies" here who desperately need the support & advice that you're uniquely qualified to share. I hope when you feel able that you'll return to MB and share those experiences with them.