Hi all - I've been up and down lately, but the past few days have been really hard, so I thought I'd take the liberty of venting a little. My WH has been so cruel the past week and I'm having trouble dealing with it, even though I knew this would be no picnic. I think he thought this whole D process would just be 2 friends parting, and when reality hits, he loses it and gets angry with me. Everything is my fault, I let him down so many times, look what I made him go and do, have these affairs.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> That's his attitude anyway. I met him for breakfast one morning last week to talk about our youngest daughter. She is closed up when it comes to talking about our situation, her grades are slipping and I wanted to let him know what was going on and that I felt she needed to go to see a counselor. I also told him he was welcome to spend Christmas morning with us at home, so the two younger daughters could see him (he had previously sent a blanket email to friends and included the kids in it that he would be spending Christmas with his parents in No. Carolina - "his children would be welcome to join him if they wanted to." A blanket email!!)
I guess I did major LBing when I added to the end of the invitation..."even though you don't deserve it." You have to understand that I have been patient, loving and reasonable beyond anything I thought I could do with this man. To the point where I was "doormat quality". This zinger made him go ballistic and he got very ugly. Told me that even though this was our last Christmas as an official family, we hadn't really been a family for many years, people have been so supportive of him, many have told him they never thought we would be married this long, I wasn't going to manipulate him anymore....on and on. I have no idea who the other people are, and why they would think that. Any one who knows us has been genuinely shocked to hear we are divorcing, they always thought we were so in love and devoted to each other. He tells our kids (now they are grown women for the most part, 25,22 and 16 and know the entire situation well and are very angry with him) that he would have left 10 years ago but for them. During the last 10 years, we took two cruises, one to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, another with friends that included the OW and her husband although I was blissfully unaware at the time. During that cruise, at dinner one night he turned to me and told me I was the most beautiful woman at the table... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> We had a great time, even though things were strained, I thought it was because he had just lost his job and was having trouble dealing. God, I feel so ignorant!! We took vacations together, he bought me expensive jewelry, used to set "date" nights; in fact, only two months ago he insisted on buying an expensive new bedroom suite for us, saying "his wife deserved what she wanted to have, don't worry about the cost" and I had to talk him out of a REALLY expensive one for a just plain expensive one. The other night he told me he didn't care what I did with the "F---ing suite," he didn't want it and he wasn't going to pay for it. I think back on all the things he said about really wanting our marriage to be stronger and better. Then, just the other night he told my two younger daughters that he would like to see them on Christmas morning but to do that would imply there was hope for our family, and there is "no hope." They were stunned and the 22 year old said that was really sad. He makes it all about me and how he just doesn't want to be near me or see me, I'm so unbearable and now he is truly happy for the first time in years. It just cuts like a knife. I am trying to get past the point of this constant pain and guilt (what did I do?? I've tried so hard to do things right and fix whatever he said was wrong), but I guess with my birthday and the holidays coming up, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. He won't even come in the house now to pick our daughter up for school on alternate mornings. It's not his home now, his apartment is his home now he says. No job prospects for him, we're out of money, can't pay for the house after this month and I guess I really do need to be out of here by the middle of next month. I'm scrambling to figure out moving plans, line up a job that will support my daughter and me, tackle packing. There are no good jobs in this area, it's fairly depressed and I've been doing temp retail work this past month. His plant that closed was one of the bigger employers. I even have to find a home for our lovable lug of a dog because no apartments I can afford will take a 100 lb Golden Retriever. And he doesn't care. Just doesn't care. He told me that I "shouldn't care about his life" and he certainly doesn't care about mine.
I'm sorry this is so long and I know there are no answers or none of us would be posting here. I'm not having a pity party, honest. I have been on the Web for the last week posting resumes, checking out moving costs, looking into apartments. I'm not just pulling the covers over my head, as appealing as that is!! I just see couples holding hands at the mall where I work and I break down. I hear certain Christmas songs and I cry. I am on an anti-depressant, and my girls have been great, but some days are so tough. I think, why God? Why for all of us?
Why after all these years and everything he's said and done that show love (or so I thought) is he being so cruel?
I am not going to let him break me, and I will make it through this, but I appreciate being able to pour out my heart to people who have been there and are there and understand. I know that it takes two to make a good marriage and I know I made mistakes, but I would have given anything to fix it right and never really got the chance. I have the new Dixie Chicks CD and there's a song on there that says in part, "...there's a whole lot of singing never gonna be heard, disappearing everyday without so much as a word..." and I guess that sums it up pretty well.
Thank you for listening. God bless and keep us all.

(((((((((((((broken)))))))))))))))))

I know that you are feeling just awful right now.

It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair!

I know that you probably want to scream that sometimes - at least I did.

The sad part about the whole thing - although there are tons of tragic parts about all this, but one of the sad parts is that your H really believes what he says.

He really does not care about you, the kids or the dog - in my case it was cats.

Nor do they care if you are able to keep the house for the sake of the children or anything else for that matter.

I can't remember where exactly you're at in the divorce process but you should be able to go to court to get him to pay you money for support of the kids whether he's working or not - the court will make him pay X amount and if he can't pay it then at least you'd be able to get it in back payments and then there are usually all sorts of penalties for spouses who don't pay - like losing their licenses. Good enough incentive to get a job - any job.

It's the nature of the beast.

These WS's are just in a fog - the loss of the job could have triggered it. The OW in my case just had her father die and my ExH was the shoulder to cry on......

But whatever it is, the WS is not the person whom we married and sometimes I wonder if that person will ever return in any shape or form.

It's weird.

But from what I can tell, the WS wants you not to be their responsibility ASAP and so they claim that you are on your own now, maybe they do it to relieve guilt. Who knows. Just remember that what they say is usually not the truth, but that they honestly believe it anyway.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this espcially around Christmas. I would work on getting yourself through this, and do what is right for you and the kids and just forget anout H for now, because he's forgotten about all of you.

I hate to say that, but from a purely survival standpoint emotionally, it will only make it harder for you if you are nice and expect something normal from him in return, and you will keep getting hurt by him the longer you try to depend on him to help out.

I'd try the courts, and I will pray that you find a job and a house tout suite!

K

broken

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))
I know just how you feel as I have been blamed for everything too. At this point I am like teflon when it comes to that, it doesn't stick.

The Holidays have sooooo many triggers. I thought I would be OK, but I break into tears easily. Like today, my neighbor is working in his yard and I'm in tears and start shouting to God " I want a man !!!" One who will love me, care for me and do the yard work and maintence and one to sleep next to at night. I'm laughing at myself as I'm typing this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What line of work are you in? In an earlier post, you mentioned moving, are you still thinking of going to Nashville?

Do you go to alanon meetings? They have been a God send for me. I just got back from one so I'm feeling pretty good right now. Doesn't it feel good to be able to let it out here? Thank God for this forum !!!

I look forward to meeting you for the MB get together ! It turns out that I will be in Phila till after New Years - that part has me off balance trying to figure out what I'm gonna do that night. I may post a separate thread on those issues so I can get feedback to sort things out.

You and your kids are in my prayers.
God Bless,

D.

I even have to find a home for our lovable lug of a dog because no apartments I can afford will take a 100 lb Golden Retriever.

Goldens are grrrrreat dogs. If you need a temporary home for him, mine would love company. We live on a lake in Florida & the yard is fenced.
Mine is like one of the family, he thinks he's one of the kids

{{{{{broken}}}}}

I can also relate. I too am to blame for everything. He too claims that he has been unhappy for years, though no one, including me, realized it. I wish I could be like teflon, but I had to cut off all contact, including getting a restraining order, installing an alarm system, changing phone and cell numbers,and changing e-mail address. Now at least I don't have to hear about what a horrible person I am!

In my case the trigger was that I got diagnosed with breast cancer and my H found OW's shoulder to cry on. That's when I became a terrible, selfish person, responsible for everything going wrong.

In our former life, my WH and I built a business together and a beautiful home. We have 4 dogs, 2 cats, and 7 horses. Now he doesn't care about any of it. All he cares about is getting enough money from me to maintain a roof over his head and a steady supply of drugs and alcohol.

As WGGT said, Al-Anon has been a godsend. I felt so isolated before, ashamed of the whole situation and my WH's drunken, abusive behavior. Now I'm no longer alone.

WGTT, maybe we can find something to do New Years eve. Although I dont know what. My son is pretty good at letting me hang out with him and a friend if we can find something to do that will "bridge" the age gap.. maybe Dave and Busters in Phila

Broken...There are lots of jobs in this area...and I also have a golden..sweetest dog there is. He needs a friend as much as I do. There is an empty apartment next to the crotch cricket!!!

Anyway Ill be praying for you. I /we here all know too well what you are going through. {{{{{{{Broken}}}}}}}}

Thank you GIIC, WGTT, LST and Sunrise. It just felt good to let it all out. Sometimes I think I am the one going crazy, he just has me convinced that there is so much wrong with me (too clingy, too manipulative, too compassionate, too good for him). In fact I remember vividly one evening when he said he wished he could tell me everything "they" had done together, all the wild sex stuff, because then I would be hurt and I wouldn't be so compassionate and forgiving.
I now look in the mirror every morning to be sure I've washed the "Idiot" off my forehead.
Anyway, thanks for your continued help getting me thru one day at a time. For pointing out that no matter what I do, he will believe whatever he wants to believe for as long as he wants to believe it - and that may be forever. Some days I feel so strong and others, so lost.

My middle daughter will be home for a bit tomorrow and she is a no-nonsense, independant type-just like I used to be-and I gain strength from her. She says we will have a great Christmas and if her father wants to be a "d---", it's his loss not ours. I do plan to keep as many holiday traditions in place as possible.
We had an ice storm yesterday and when I went out to walk the dog at night, I couldn't help but feel sorry for H, that he had to miss the beauty of the ice-laced trees by our house, the white Christmas lights shining like little beacons....

God bless us every one.

Broken x3 - I can so totally relate that it is scary.. I know the feeling of thinking you are going crazy by all of the stuff that your WS says to you. It is kind of like in their mind they actually believe everything that they say - example in my case - I was haven't been happy for the last 10 years - OK then why did we just build a new house two years ago?? - You haven't loved me ?? OK then why did I not do anything that didn't revolve around you?? - And the said thing is that everytime I talk to him - he actually kind of starts me believing what he is thinking - In my mind I know he is wrong and a lost soul - but in my heart I am feeling bad for him and I cannot believe that he left everything and for what nothing.. The I love you but I am not in love with you - always drives me nuts also.... Anyways - Christmas is a real pain in the butt....Last Christmas was really hard because I didn't know what was going on and this Christmas even though we are divorced now it is still hard - I have decided not to let him come over in the morning - because for once I have decided to be selfish - I want to have a great day with my two daughters ages 9 and 12 - and he is goign to take them from the 22nd evening until the 24th evening... his birthday is the 23rd... Christmas will not be the same - but you know nothing is anyways - Everyone tells me that he needs to change the history of our relationship - so he can live with himself because if he faced the truth he would probably jump off the nearest bridge.. I think that he thinks he will be happy - but you know I don't think he ever really will be.. I am hoping for a great holiday for you and me and everyone else on these boards - and I am hoping that 2003 gives us way more good days than bad days.. My cousin always tells me - we only live once and we are worthed being loved... And we are - I know in my mind that I didn't deserve any of this - but in my heart I know that I am hurt and it will take time to heal... I hope you know that even though there are bad days - there are also the good days - and everyone keeps telling me that with time - the good days will far out weigh the bad days - those are my hopes - Stay Strong.....

Thanks maw...I had a good afternoon with my middle daughter and she is such a support. My H sent a Christmas card to our youngest and said in it..."Daddy loves you so much. I cannot be at the HOUSE on Christmas but I will call and I will be very much with you in spirit." The house. Not home. He says this is not his home anymore. He picked this "house", loved it. It's his choice. And not even one word to me at all for any reason. He can't deal with the guilt - or the Christmas lights, our traditions, our memories...he has to keep his distance, his "pride", his committment to her....how sad for him.
Right now I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks CD song "A House that might have been a Home." It says in part, ..."not a night goes by that I don't dream of wandering through the home that might have been...I listened to my pride when my heart cried out for you; now everyday I wake again in a house that might have been a home."
I listen to it over and over. We'll be okay. I keep telling myself. Take care. You stay strong too.