I'm sure I have been doing all the wrong things here, but if there is still a small chance, I want to start doing what is best from now on. I am 29 and J is 25. Our story started almost 2 years ago. We both woked together and I was going through a separation/divorce. J and I worked together and a friendship started between us, but it soon developed into more. But due to the fact that we worked together and that I was still only separated (fyi- my divorce was just the rsult of us growing apart, very amicable), we didn't tell too many people about us. But despite the circumstances and timing, something that neither of us had ever felt before happened between us. Anyway, things were great. We talked about so many plans for the future, trips, holidays and eventually marriage. He said he had never been happier and couldn't wait for us to start a life togther. But, after it all started coming true, he got scared. This was his first serious relationship and he said he felt overwhelmed and worried that he would screw things up and ruin our lives. He said he had never really thought about his future before, that he never really cared about anybody enough to until now, but he felt he wasn't ready. And even taking things slow wouldn't work because the pressure was still there and because it wasn't fair to me. He just wasn't ready. Well, we were apart, though we talked a lot and I tries to help him through his fears for about 3 months. He said he missed me and that he was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, us. Though he still loved me, he said he couldn't feel that in love feeling anymore. He then decided that he could handle just dating me, so we got back together and we had so much fun, but things seemed to get more serious than just casual dating, just because it kind of developed into that again. He said he wanted to try to keep things going slow because he was worried that what happened before would happen again - that he would get scared. I gave him his space, he went out with his friends etc... but I was always afraid that it would happen again so I think I questioned him alot, making sure things were okay, that he was happy etc.. Then after about 6 months, he told me he didn't think he could handle this relationship, that he worried he would never want to get more serious with me, and wondered why he couldn't achieve that "in love" feeling again. He said he didn't feel that we were right for each other right now, but that he couldn't predict the future. Well, I was devastated and of cousre tried everything I could think of to make him change his mind. I know all of my crying and questions just pushed him faurther away. He said he wanted to be friends because he cared so much about me and couldn't imagine me not being a part of his life. I have been trying that - it's been 4.5 month now and I do well for a while, but then I get weak and start asking him for another chance etc... I do feel as though I am getting stronger though, but I know he is still wary. I know he is dating because he says he is needs to see what is out there because he never had that experience before. But he says he is happy being single now and does not want to get into a serious relationship with anyone. And that he just wants us to be friends. But he aways sprinkles his answers to my questions with like "not now" and "I don't know how I'll feel in the future" which of course keeps me hoping.<P>What I need to know is what is best way for me to keep any small spark of feeling he may still have for me alive and maybe re-kindle the feelings he either lost or has buried. I just can believe that the strong feelings he had before could just stop like that. IF I am able to just be friends, let him see that I am moving on with my life (which I know I need to do beacuse I may not get him back), maybe rebuild some respect, is it a good idea to keep the connection open? To allow him the opportunity. Or, is it better to just say something like: "I have tried to be your friend but it is too hard and not fair to me so I have to say good-bye to you. I want to be mpre than just your friend and if you ever decide that is what you want to, then give me a call." Should I take a stand like that and hope that will maybe make him realize I won't always be waiting around for him. <P>I don't know if it is better to cut things off completely or say in touch. I know he may do whatever he needs to do regardless but I need to know what would be best for me to do if I have any hopes of winning him back. <P>Please offer sound (and tested) advice on this matter. Thank you.

I am in the process of going through a tough time where my relationship ended. I have learned many things through this process, and in my opinion he is not being fair with you. It appears that he does not want to date you anymore, perhaps he can't say it forcefully enough or he likes the fact that your hanging around for him. <P>But what I learned is that if the other person is not willing to address the problems in the relationshjip, then it is time to leave the relationship. I actually think he has left already. It will be tough for you as it has been for me. But when you begin meeting other people who want to share your company, then you will feel much better. i would not count on him getting jealous and returning, as a matter of fact I think I would avoid him unless he agreed to some ground rules. <P>Also, you may have fallen hard for him, because he met your emotional needs when you needed them met before. your still in love with that person. he's not meeting your needs now, so why love him? The love was for the past guy, not the I'm dating other people guy and am not in love with you guy.<P>Best of luck in all you do.