Just four days ago my wife of 4 years (been together 9) told me she was unhappy and didn't think she loved me anymore. She said she was thinking about leaving me. The day after I was totally broken inside and out. Then I came home from work and in desparation looked on the web for help. I found this site and was encouraged to try and save my marriage by "basic concepts". My wife is in the withdrawl stage. Unwilling to talk or listen or give us a chance. I even printed out the entire "basic concepts" for her to look at but she just won't. She says she doesn't want to try. I didn't even know that we were in such trouble.
From reading basic concepts I realized that we had had trouble communicating for a long time. I had become a "taker" while she has been mostly a "giver". I was particularly interested and encouraged by tips on how one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy from withdrawl. I know it's only been four days since the true nature and depth of the problems between us have surfaced but I'm not even getting the slightest hint of and encouraging response. She insists that it's too late and she's pretty much made up her mind she's leaving.
I'm trying sooooo hard. I'm giving everything of myself I can think of. I'm taking her out to do things she enjoys, I'm doing all the houshold chores, I'm trying to hug her and tell her I love her every day as much as I can. Nothing though. Is this normal? How long does this behavior usually last before she takes down her emotional barriers. If anyone has any insight into this I would appreciate it. There's nothing in life I want more than to save this marriage.

-Help me-

PS. There's never been any physical abuse or infidelity to my knowledge. I don't toally know what went so wrong. She won't talk.

<sigh> Your story, sad to say, is not unusual. The walk away wife is a very common phenomenon, and always catches the husband off guard. Your story is much like mine, and, unfortunately, it is going to be a long, hard road.

You've gone from marriage building to divorce busting. Check out this site:

http://www.divorcebusting.com

The woman has written a couple of good books on preserving marriages. Both of these books are usually available in the library, and definately in paperback at the bookstore. Basically, you are going to have to use the last resort approach--a variation of the 180 approach (explained in the books and in the forums). Make sure that you look at her online article--"The Walkaway Wife." You will get a much better understanding of what is going on.

The 180 technique is similar to the Plan A approach talked about on this site, but involves only one spouse's cooperation. Another site that has good info is:

http://www.stopyourdivorce.com

He peddles and expensive online book, but the free exceprts are well worth reading.

Buckle up! This is going to be a long, rough ride.

First step is to stop pressuring and coddling your wife. The more you pressure her now, the more she will want to leave. You will need to become a friendly neighbor, instead of a husband, and let her go in order for any chance of her coming back.

All is not lost, my friend, but be aware that there are no miracles, and she may be gone. there is hope, though. Hang on to that hope, and get to work.

Good luck,

Mike

Thanks for your reply. I read the walkaway wife and it sounds familiar. What do you mean by stop coddling her? On this site I read that if I do everything I can to show her I want to save our marriage that she may open up again. I'm going to try and stop getting her to talk all the time. She actually asked me to give her some space for a few days this morning. I'm not sure how do do that or even exactly what she means.
What do you mean by let her go? I hope your not suggesting that I just give up on the hope that she won't leave. Please explain a little for me. I'll try anything. If she leaves and we're living apart though I just don't see how we can ever solve our problems. Isn't that running away from our problems?
I don't know...I'm so confused.

You have some good advice.

After you read the info. on this site, you will learn that your wife(w) is responding to having some unmet needs.

What you may want to do is to print out the questionaires about (EN)EMotional NEeds adn (LB) Love Busters and fill it out as if you were your wife. Then start a PLan A - try and fulfill her emotional needs and stop all Love busting.

You don't want to smother her because if you read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson you will learn that they theory of the tighter your grasp the more the person wants to run and the more you back off the more they want you. It's a hard concerpt to apply but it's the only one that works - human nature.

So go to divorcebusting and read abotu a 180.

Read about Plan A.

Usually there is an affair involved when people leave, so keep your eyes and ears open and collect evidence if need be for any future court case - I know that sounds harsh right now, but unfortunately it's reality.

Get yourself a support system of friends, family, God, church groups, a counselor - whatever and whomever you need to help you through this.

Plan A's take 3-6 months.

Do not expect quick results.

If you have not been meeting her needs for a long time she is going to need to see that you are sincere about your actions and that it's not just a temporary fix.

Also, going to a counselor either individually even if she won't go with you is a sign to her that you want to do all you can to find out what is wrong and want to fix it. However, if you do find a counselor, make sure that they support marriage - many counselors just say do whatever makes you happy.

You can also post on the GQII board - there are alot more people there who are dealing with exactly what you are dealign with and they can provide alot of support and advice.

It is good that you found this site so soon.

Just try to work on changing yourself - via plan A and the 180 and she should notice.

May GOd Bless YOu. K