My husband of ten years has just cheated on me for the second time. The twist-He swears they didn't have sex so he didn't exactly cheat. He wants me to be something that I'm not so he chooses to spend time with her yet he doesn't want to loose me? What is that supposed to mean?

It sounds like you need to read the Concepts on this website. Perhaps he just had an Emotional Affair (EA) and not a PA. The MB concepts may explain this better.

Goinginsane -

I'm sure that you do feel like you are going insance with all of the uncertainty and confusion going on in your life right now.

First, you need to make sure that you have a good support system of friends, family, GOd, church groups and even a counselor to help you through this difficult time.

SEcond, you may want to read the book SAA(SUrviving an Affair) by WIlliard Harley Jr. This book will help you to understand exactly what is going on with your H(husband) right now and help you to figure out how you want to respond.

The main points in the book are also on this website but it gives a more concise and clear presentation of what you need to know.

Right now, according to MB(Marriage Builders) your husband is having some unmet needs. Now while this never gives anyone the right to have an affair to have their needs met, this is just what usually happens.

Your are getting the classic line - and once you begin to read the stories of others, you will see that all of the Wayward spouses (WS)say the same thing. It's like they all read out of the same book.

THis is helpful to us because now there are methods and ways to counteract and respond to this type of thinking.

What you should do is to print out the EN(EMotional NEeds) and the LS(Love Buster)questionaire from this site and fill it out as if you were your H. Then start what is called a Plan A which is to try and fulfill his ENs and stop all LBs.

THis shouls continue for about 3 - 6 months. Yes, it takes that long. Affairs are like addictions and just like addictions with drugs and alcohol and cigarettes it's hard for the person in the affair to want to give it up and then once they do they go through a withdrawal period from that person whom they were having the affair with.

So, right now you may want to decide what you want to do. Do you want to try and save the marriage with the principles that you will learn here? DIvorce is always an option whether you try these principles or not, but at least if you try them then there is an oppotunity to try and save the marriage and possibly prevent divorce.

THe goal is for you and yoru spouse to have an incredibly happy marriage - not just an average one. And if these principles are applied then it is possible to do.

But you need a plan and follow it nad not follow the lead of your H who is way confused right now and is reacting out of gut instinct.

It is a very emotional time for you and it is not easy to try and stick it out, but those who have tried and it has worked have said that they would not have changed a thing.

Now this does not mean that H will come back and everything will be ok for sure. There are lots of variables, but at least by trying to apply the principles you have time to see what is really going on in your marriage and have a chance to fix what went wrong.

Another good thing to try is Divorcebusting - there is a website for that too and read some of the information about doing a 180 and such.

Your H wants to be happy, and he wants the stability of your marriage. So you need to let him know that he can have that without the other person.

You may want to also post on GQII board and Just Found Out board because the people there are all dealing with this and can give you lots of advice and support.

May God Be With You. K

Goinginsane-

As Giic suggests you should acquaint yourself with the concepts here. As WS I can tell that at the very least your h is having an EA (emotional affair). My EA's and of course PA's, eroded at my marriage so much that a landslide in a third world pales in comparison!

Most importantly though, I eroded at my w's self esteem. the gentle, loving, caring and Christian woman she is will carry the scars of my selfishness for the rest of her life. STOP him now before he creates in you an unwanted, unneeded, "new" unworthy identity in YOU!

How can you stop him? Read here and become familiar with all you can. The concepts work if you stick to them. I realize you can only do for you, but that's where you must start.

I implore you to stop him by starting here!

I am praying for you NOW!

IN Christ's Name!
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goinginsane:
<strong>My husband of ten years has just cheated on me for the second time. The twist-He swears they didn't have sex so he didn't exactly cheat. He wants me to be something that I'm not so he chooses to spend time with her yet he doesn't want to loose me? What is that supposed to mean?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi GoingInsane! I'm sorry this is happening to you - again. Your hubby is so LOST IN THE FOG so he plays 'technically' games with you. Loves walking the fence and seeing just how close he can get to the fire and 'not get burned' - BTW has he been watching Bill Clinton's 'Tapes' again where he either "can't recollect" a fricking thing or asks the Impeachment Panel to "define Sex" for him please?
Definitely in the fog and not making a bit of sense either! Please don't let him snow-job you!
Harold