as brief as possible.

-married 14 years
-me 47
-wife 40
-hardly ever a problem
-happy, no fighting
-wife has never indicated to me that she was unhappy

after 8 months of building our dream home we finally moved in november 9th. this is it, baby! the real deal, our dream, our last move, been planning this for years, we picked everything out all the way to the doorknobs, we had fun (and bickered a little at times) picking everything out. wife decorates the house beautifully. it's perfect in every detail. we love it and each other and we're sooooooo lucky and proud.

november 30th wife doesn't come home from work. stays out all night. she's never done this before. i thought she had an accident and was worried sick. she shows up at 530am with some BS story that i don't believe but swallow it. she tells me the next day (well, the same day but after a few hours of sleep) that she was sorry and it would never happen again. she "didn't know what got into her".

december 5 she calls from work at 10:10 and says she's about done and will be home within the hour. she sounded her usual self but i made note of the time and figured she'd be home by 11:15. midnight rolls around and no sign of her, 12:30, 1:00. i call her cell and it's turned off. 1:30, 2:00, 2:30 and nothing.

now i'm getting mad and am suspicious as hell. finally, her phone rings at 3:45 and she answers. she sounds like she's VERY relaxed (high?) and not a worry or concern in the world. i say "what the hell is going on?" (it's real quite in her background) and she says "i'm drinking with frinds and having fun". i ask when she plans on coming home and she doesn't answer, so i say "i can't BELIEVE IT....you're actually with some GUY?!" she doesn't deny so i say, "just don't bother coming home because it's all over (i'm mad as hell). she says "ok" and hangs up.

2:30pm the next afternoon she comes rolling in, walks into my office and says, "i'm so sorry for hurting you like this and i didn't plan on this but i am in love and i want a divorce"

WTF?!!??!!??!!??!!

HUH!???!!??

man, i'm PISSED!!!!!!!!

she leaves and i start calling lawyers. i find out she STILL GETS HALF (!) and MIGHT GET THE HOUSE with me still paying for it if our son tells the judge (if this goes to court) he wants to live with mom. WTF?!

i talked to 3 lawyers and all the same answers. WHAT ABOUT MY BUSINESS????? "HALF"

man, this is totally UNBELIEVABLE.

first, she does THIS? and now i lose all i've worked for on top of it?! and "I" didn't do ANYTHING WRONG???????

ok, jack, relax. now i have to SELL her on a lesser deal than she's entitled to just to save my [censored] and i have to figure all this out right now on top of all the PAIN i'm going through. JESUS! what the f*&k did "I" do to deserve THIS?

so, she comes home and i'm calm now because i have to make a deal. UGH!

whew....she's not wanting to get a lawyer as long as i am "fair" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so, we go through everything and she says if i get a lawyer to write it up like we just agreed, she'd signup and move right out. man! and, i had no clue this was happening and in a short 24 hours i'm making a deal to lose my wife and half my stuff. but, the lawyers are saying this is in my best interest and i better 'hope' she signs up without getting legal help.

continue in next post

so i call the lawyer and make an appointment for that afternoon (i think it was friday) and go visit. we go through everything and he says he'll have the papers ready on tuesday. AND, since she's admitting to adultry, in maryland, we can be divorced within 2 weeks.

on the way home i pick up a half gallon of canadian whiskey. i start drinking friday evening and start making phone calls to friends and family to break the news. EVERYBODYS' minds are blown and most think i'm pulling a prank (this is a shock to everybody) because we're the happiest couple they all know and the new house and the new this and the new that and everything and all.

no sleep, no food, constant phone calls allll friday night and alllll day saturday and drinking my half gallon. i talked to everybody and nobody can believe what's going on here.

finally i go to bed sunday around 6am and sleep for about 15 minutes. stay up all day sunday, on the phone etc.

monday she packs. monday night she goes to her company christmas party with 'him' and my 2 sons. WTF is happening to me?

tuesday we go to the lawyer and sign the papers.

tuesday night she moves out.

tuesday night i get drunk again (i think i've has 'maybe' 2 hours of sleep since thursday and still no food. i'm dizzy, i'm weak, i feel like crying, my guts are ripped out AND MY FINGERS GET NUMB ALL OF A SUDDEN????

wednesday i get drunk (i am normally a very casual drinker). wednesday night i sleep for maybe 3 hours. i'm weak.

thursday i manage to get some business taken care of at work and thursday night i find this site. i think i read damn near everything on this site all the way through saturday with an hour of sleep here and there. i learned a lot!

so here's the pan i cam up with after reading this site.

next post

Just a little note, start with NO DRINKING!!!!!

Things are a mess, your wife has been playing around, getting screwed by another man, she is having fun, everyone thinks you two are the most loveable couple, the bomb falls, and reality.

Your wife had the fun, is still having the fun, if at all, go to a counselor, marriage counselor, or psychiatrist, and get counseling for the two of you. Also, your kids are going to be hurt very hard with this. They will need counseling too.

Your wife is going through a mid-life crisis. I would go for a separation first. Get counseling, and then see what happens. Talk to your pastor, or clergyman. But quit the DRINKING! What do you think the lawyers will say about this, your kids, your wife, your friends, your family. DRINKING is just covering all the pain and grief.

Talk, talk, talk, but without an alcohol speech. This is so sad, so sad. Praying for you and your family. Lord, give this man the power to put the drink down. Give this man the power to get control. Let his wife see the damage she has done, and have her seek counseling with her loving husband.

this site somehow convinces me that maybe this CAN be worked out. you believe what you WANT to believe and i DO still love her, so what the hell.

from what i'm reading here, it looks like maybe she's not getting all of her EN's taken care of from me. i'm a damn good provider, she gets everything she wants, most people are envious, i think she's happy, she acts happy, she's never told me she wasn't happy and i think i'm doing a good job. i really believe that.

BUT, she's not getting the CONVERSATION she needs, she's not getting the AFFECTION she needs. hell, maybe all this IS my fault. but man.....why didn't she tell me??

maybe if i explain all of this to her and let her know that i now understand WHY she did it and that i think it was MY fault and now i UNDERSTAND and now i'm willing to give her what she needs now that i KNOW.........maybe i can win her back? so i call her up and ask her to come over on monday because i have some things i want to tell her (i'm nice to her over the phone). she agrees.

so i type up my 'presentation' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> i don't want to forget anything and i want this sale.

(i guess this is plan A?)

she comes over and i go through the whole thing....a to z. i tell her i learned a lot by researching a site on the internet. 'self-counciling'?

tell her how i understand why it happened even though she might not know why she did this. tell her that this 'guy' is providing EN's that i wasn't. tell her i didn't know about any of this and now i understand. i CAN give her these needs, i'm sorry i neglected her, i didn't know, i love her, i thought i WAS doing my job, etc, etc, etc.

this took 3 hours and i think i followed the plan to a "T".

she's starting to understand and actually coming around. i tell her about the "no contact" and i think it scared her. she tells me that she's in love. (btw, i'm 47 and 6 figure income, she's 40 and comes from a not so fortunate background, and this 'guy' is a minimum wage COOK that LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER!!!!!!)

if she ran away with bruce willis, F-IT, maybe i could understand, but not THIS guy. NOW she's living in a 2BR apartment that costs $325 a month and she left THIS for THAT? i guess being a good provider didn't impress her at all. and, btw, i'm not the elephant man either. i'm considered attractive and not outta shape and could get pleny of attractive women if i was that type of guy but.....

anyway, i get through the whole thing, and i am sincere and she does believe me but she has to "think about it" because she thought we were definitely over with and she gave her whole heart to him since she left and she doesn't know if she could stay away if she did come back. she has to think about it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

i could understand if i was a wife beater. i could understand if i was the one who was unfaithful. i could understand if i abused the kids, but ask anybody.......i'm doing a good job and everybody thinks she's lost her mind. she hasn't had a drink in 15 years and now she's doing shots in bars with this young crowd. she's smoking pot with this young crowd (btw, i have nothing against that...i used to do it in the 70's. whatever turns you on). what happened to my church going, pta attending, perfect wife and mother?

so i talk to her today and she said she's still thinking about it. WTF is there to think about?

so i tell her that a decision soon would be nice because this relationship will not last (she agrees, i think) and i might not be feeling the same way a month from now. i told her that she just can't have the affair until it ends, whether 1 month, 6 months, whatever, and then expect me to let her back -- all forgiven.

right?

now what?

thanks for any help in this matter.

jack

Oh, Jack

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's like a big train just hit you and you really don't know if you are alive. Then you realize you are and you have no control over anything. You have found a great site for support.

First as the last post, don't start drinking now, it is hard but you cannot punish yourself for something that was not really in your control. You had no idea and it does sound like a mid-life thing going on here.

You will rack your brain to try and figure out what went wrong. You might not understand or even know. Make sure you take care of yourself and get some support from family and friends, you cannot do this alone and be sane, it will drive you crazy.

keep reading on this site for insite and some hope for your future. It does help eventhough it seems like a helpless situation right now. there are so many things spinning out of control right now and you need to eventually stop the spinning.

Good luck to you
keep us posted even if you are up at 3:00am because many of us are too.

Christine

OK, Jack?

First of all, Slow, down, my friend. Time is on your side. If you've read all the material from this site, you know that *most* A's burn themselves out once the "happy couple" have to totally meet each others' EN's, and reality hits them. It will take awhile for this to happen, since it's all still so new for you and WW.

In the meantime, you've got to calm down, learn to sleep and eat and breathe again, and as "Cry2much" has said, slow down on the drinking. It will only impair your ability to make rational decisions at a time when you NEED to be thinking straight (one of you needs to, for the sake of your children!)

If you will read my sig line on the bottom of my post, you will see I was pretty much in the same boat a year and a half ago. Only diff? My H didn't want anything. Just wanted O-U-T. NO probs, NO hints, NO fighting....well, you know the drill. Shocked the H*LL out of the friends and family!

Oh, one other diff, I *DID* get the "dream house" - the one we'd just spent half a year remodeling, "right down to the doorknobs." Yeah, some dream, eh? I'm here in it ALL ALONE along with the bills that came with it.

Well, I just wanted you to know that I totally understand, and will be glad to guide you through this mine-field as much as I possibly can. BEEN THERE, done it already! Although there's no happy ending - yet, I'm not ready to concede defeat YET. Yes, it's true, we are divorced now. BUT, H moved out of home of the woman he moved in with almost the same day the div. was final, so I don't believe the "A" (if we would call it that) was really the issue.

I believe he fell into a depression, brought on by *MAJOR* mid-life crisis, and this woman "offered to help" - thinking it would win HIM as the prize.... Could this possibly be what befell your WW (the mid-life crisis part, I meant)?

We're all here, my friend. Sometimes to cry together, always to pray together (if that's your style) and personally, I don't think now would be a bad time to start! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Please keep posting, and remember, TIME is your friend. Slow down, and start implementing everything you've been reading and learning from this site. You should be in Plan A right now. Showing your WW all the love you have for her, meeting as many of her EN's as you are aware she has, and can do for her. Start fixing YOU as much as possible, and showing her you are making an effort to work on the M, even if she isn't right now.

Others have used the principles and SWEAR success by them (I just don't happen to be one who's seen success, yet!)

God Bless,

thanks for the replies so quickly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

a few more things that baffle me:

one minute i love her and want her back and the next minute i hate her for doing this to me and say i won't take her back.

everybody says i'm crazy for wanting to reconcile, even my wife's own brothers and sisters.

sure it's a mid-life thing. what else could it be?

she's only going to do it again, right?

the next time might be more planned out so she can GET more?

what restrictions should i impose if she agrees to come back?

how do i protect myself?

suppose i just "SOLD" her on coming back and it happens again?

why do so many that post here, that have worse situations, want their spouse back? i've read posts here where i'd never take my spouse back if i was in the same position.

wow! what a rollercoaster ride for the last 12 days.

btw, the numbness in my fingers is because i'm always on the computer and resting my wrists on a nerve.

i have lost 18 pounds in 12 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>
a few more things that baffle me:

one minute i love her and want her back and the next minute i hate her for doing this to me and say i won't take her back.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jack,
LAST post from me for tonight....but I'll check back on you tomorrow. But by then you will have plenty of others here to help, I guarantee it!
The feelings - "Love her, love her not" every other minute you're describing above are typical. It's a rollercoaster ride, fer shure, bud.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>everybody says i'm crazy for wanting to reconcile, even my wife's own brothers and sisters.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This scenario is very typical. "Outsiders" don't understand HOW we could want back an adulterer. Well, quite frankly, the Harley's say that *any of us* could become adulterers if the conditions were right, so I guess the answer is, "DON'T throw stones, cause your own house might have glass in it, too!"
ALSO, let me add that I was one of those who came down on the side of - "If the SOB leaves, DON'T let the door hit his @SS on the way out!!" - TILL IT HAPPENED TO ME!!! In a way, I shocked myself by my attitude. First of, I found this site within DAYS of his leaving, very similar to you. SInce that was the case, I had to examine my own actions fairly honestly and came to the conclusion that it wasn't a one-way street! There WERE reasons (although NONE of them is an excuse for this type of behavior!!). Just that I *understand* how he could have come to this conclusion, based on his faulty thinking about MY actions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>she's only going to do it again, right?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were able to fix your M, the missing EN's, and learned to communicate and negotiate those, WHY WOULD SHE want to - need to - do it again?!?!?!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>what restrictions should i impose if she agrees to come back?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jack, I'm sorry to have to point this out, but you could be a long way off from that kind of decision now. Right now, you should be perfecting your Plan A. SHOW HER what you are becoming....what you are learning about your M, yourself, and leave her to her own devices.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>suppose i just "SOLD" her on coming back and it happens again?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you were able to "sell" her on coming back at this point, the odds are very good that it would "happen again." You need to get grounded in MB principles and concepts, EN's, ALL OF IT. YOU THINK you understand them, but TRUST ME!!! A YEAR from now you will still be getting your eyes open to the awesome wisdom of this plan!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>wow! what a rollercoaster ride for the last 12 days.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HANG ON!!! You ain't seen nuthin' yet!!!!!!!

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have lost 18 pounds in 12 days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>
Am very familiar with it. It's called the "Infidelity Diet." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Jack, I'm glad you found this site. Believe me!! If ANYTHING can save your M, THIS PLACE can!! BUT - be willing to learn, cry, laugh, feel like SH*T, and like you're going to lose your mind first!! But keep posting, and the good folks here will "hold your hand" if necessary to get you through this with as little "damage" as possible.

God Bless,

i hope i'm not being annoying but this seems to be good therapy, typing this out and getting replies. i feel a little better.

she told me today that she's still thinking about all i told her yesterday and she discussed it with 'HIM'!

??????

i have this bum, that somehow won my wife over, that is supported by his MOTHER, helping with discussions and plans for my LIFE?! my wife's LIFE?!

yeah, i'll still be here at 3am. this is s o m e t h i n g ELSE!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>i hope i'm not being annoying but this seems to be good therapy, typing this out and getting replies. i feel a little better.

she told me today that she's still thinking about all i told her yesterday and she discussed it with 'HIM'!

??????

i have this bum, that somehow won my wife over, that is supported by his MOTHER, helping with discussions and plans for my LIFE?! my wife's LIFE?!

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, ABSOLUTELY THE LAST post tonight! It's waaay past my bedtime here, and 5:30 comes too early, but I KNOW how you are at this point, sucking up ALL the replies you can get, and it really is therapuetic (sp?).

FWIW, this "bum" is telling your W *whatever* she needs to hear. It's NOT his true nature. I mean, think of it this way: HOW good of a catch can he be????? if he still lives with his MOMMY?!?!?!?!?! And doesn't have a wife of his own?!?!?! The ONLY WAY he can have one is to STEAL SOMEONE ELSE'S??? Hmmmmm?????????? It's laughable (if laughter could come now).

Watta loser!!!!!!!!! Forget about him. Just concentrate on YOU for now.

Go find the EN Questionnaire. This is what I did....I took the test, as tho I were my H Oh, my!!!!!! WHAT an eye-opener!!!!!!! I SAW what some of his complaints were about how I *wasn't* meeting his top EN's. Nope. I wasn't. I get it now.

Soooooo, it showed me what I needed to work on to make ME a better W. OK, right. He doesn't want that now. BUT - the main point is SOMEDAY - with HIM or someone ELSE, I WILL BE a better W!!! That will make all the work worth it. See? This is gonna help YOU.

Final point tonight: Jack, DON'T PUSH HER anymore. You stated your case. You made your point. YOU TOLD HER WHAT YOUR GOOD POINTS ARE. Now get off your soapbox. Anymore discussion about your R(elationship) is only going to be a LB (Love Buster) and push her away from you. She's got to see things for HERSELF. You can't help her, make her, pursuade her, or in any way influence her decision at this point. The ONLY recourse you've got is to WORK ON YOU. Got it?

Let's get busy!!!

More tomorrow.

God Bless,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Talk, talk, talk, but without an alcohol speech. This is so sad, so sad. Praying for you and your family. Lord, give this man the power to put the drink down. Give this man the power to get control. Let his wife see the damage she has done, and have her seek counseling with her loving husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks man! it ain't THAT bad with the booze. just the first 2 days. i'll be okay.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure you take care of yourself and get some support from family and friends, you cannot do this alone and be sane, it will drive you crazy.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i have A LOT of support and it helps, but man, i think i am going nuts. i never felt like this before. glad i found this place. thanks for the support!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Showing your WW all the love you have for her, meeting as many of her EN's as you are aware she has, and can do for her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this is the HARDEST thing. i'm mad as hell at her and i have to act nice and show love? wow! i do understand the plan, i think, and you folks know best, but that's hard after what's she's done and doing!! RIGHT IN MY FACE! talk about "mind games" whew!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jack, I'm sorry to have to point this out, but you could be a long way off from that kind of decision now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">so i let this continue for a year? and then let her back? it WILL happen, i agree, but isn't that a free ticket to do it again down the road? i have to make a decision NOW if i want her in my life. i'm old fashioned and this behavior is totally unexceptable. although.....i am concidering taking her back now, IF, she comes home NOW. man, i'm confused! thanks!

Jack,

Your reactions to all of this are all normal, as lupolady stated you need not to try to push her anymore. I recieved some great advise from a friend about control.

Right now you are out of control, from feelings to anger and confusion. Right now she has all the control because it is left up to her, you don't want this to happen right? I was advised to stop all contact and stop calling and asking questions like why? what did I do? what are you doing? and such it was really bad for me I was a wreck, getting physically sick in front of my H. I was almost flipping out. for some reason it just pushed my H away. As soon as I stopped, H started to call me, he started asking me what I was doing, and such. I also started taking care of myself, and acctually got out of my pj's and did my hair and make-up. Kept myself busy instead of staying home almost dead. I made sure that my House was very clean, decorated and I even dressed up like I had somewhere to go, H response to this was amazing, friends started calling me saying H was wondering how I was and they said she is fine, she is going out, having fun w/the kids and such, and it suprised him.

I guess what I am trying to say is Plan A, you need to let your w/know that you are ok, and let them wonder and think of what they are missing. They are not going to come back to a emotional, crazy, begging, pleading on the verge of a breakdown person. You need to gain control back to begin this process and work on you. I too lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks, I have not looked better in 5 years. I am also working out every day or try to, it is something for me...and it feels good.

I'll be here tonight checking in...... I hope I am not just rambling but acctually giving some advise, but you see I am in the same boat but I don't know, well, I do know my marriage cannot be repaired and in the process of divorce right now....

Chrisitne

ok, another thing. sorry...

SHE is having an affair "IN MY FACE" and I'm suppose to show her 'love', 'understanding' and 'support'?!

i'm not trying to be negative but, to me, this is ALMOST like a friggin' reward for ripping my heart out.

"the best of both worlds"

and when her car breaks down, am i supposed to send the money over for that?

what a life for her and HIM, eh?

she gets to have an affair, away from home and gets "support" from ME????

i don't need to be taken advantage of either. where do we draw the line?

arent "they" just laughing all the way to the bank?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll be here tonight checking in...... I hope I am not just rambling but acctually giving some advise,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, appreciate your reply. this place is great! i DO feel better (kinda). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

thanks everybody!!

Jack,

The hardest part of this for me was the exact same thing, how can I ever forgive for what this person for what they are doing to me. What, show them love... what the heck is that all about... I still have a hard time believing this, but, I think what you want to do is to let her see what she is going to give up....you....the real you...yes you are hurt and angry and don't know what is going on....

Like you my theory on this was @#*% on the pot or get off. I also had to make up my mind on what I wanted and if I could ever forgive, It was very very very very hard.

I still don't know what is going on Jack, my H left and had no reason, I had every reason, lies, sneaking around...but I never thought that the person I trusted so blindly for over 10 years would or could ever betray me the way he has....I am in the numb stage I think, I don't cry anymore, I can hold food down, and I am still angry, but feel somewhat in control. It is hard to explain these emotions, they are so very strong and so very there they are just undescribable, (Don't make fun of my spelling)

I was here on this site two years ago, every night every day.......then I came back this November....I have tried... and tried.....but well, here I am I guess...still trying to figure out what went wrong...and somehow I always tend to blame myself for something I didn't do or have total control over....

Christine

HI Jack,

I pretty tired right now & had some thoughts about what you have written - there are some similarities in our relationship. After I've gotten some sleep, I'll attempt to explain my insights.

It sounds as if you are in sales, is that correct? Or have been?

I'll check in tomorrow.

D.

{{{{{{jack}}}}}}}

I also have been where you've been. My STBXH & I were together 20 years, everyone thought we had a great marriage, including me. We had created a business together and built our "dream home" - we never had any arguments about the design or the decor, we pretty much agreed on everything and as one of my employees said even today, we did a great job of running the business together, not always an easy feat.

Apparently I wasn't giving him enough admiration. He was constantly turning to other, younger, more homely, insecure women for reassurance. I never believed he was having affairs with them though.

My H was a clean & sober addict/alcoholic. The trouble really started when he began secretly drinking again and then using drugs. He left and moved in with a much younger, also married female employee. It was definitely a MLC. He bought a Porsche, started listening to rap music, hanging out with 20 - 25 year old young people, using rapper slang (would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic), & quit coming to work.

I was devastated and humiliated in front of all our employees. I lost 40 pounds (I've gained about 20 back), couldn't sleep, read everything I could, especially after discovering this site, did counseling with Steve Harley and others (H would always quit because he thought every counselor was on my side). I'm still in IC.

It's been two years now. I've been running the business alone, sending him money every two weeks and paying his (and OW's) rent since he owns 1/2 the stock in our company until I can buy him out. And yes, I owe him 1/2 of everything even though I've been maintaining the business and living alone in our "dream" house for the past two years (which I will most likely have to sell to buy him out). I also have a restraining order to keep him away from both our home and business because of his drunken, abusive behavior.

I am considered attractive and look much younger than my age (I've been approached by men from 25 to 43 and I'm now 51). The OW is dumpy, overweight, foul-mouthed, homely, and classless. But, she enjoys not working and using drugs and alcohol, and apparently she gives my H the admiration he craves.

I did everything I could to save my marriage. You may think you'd never put up with a spouse's infidelity, but you just don't know how it feels until you've actually experienced it. It tore our whole family apart. Even Steve (or Willard?) Harley says somewhere in the MB literature that he feels like he'd leave his wife if she was unfaithful, but he knows from his experience with those who've been betrayed that he would probably feel different if it actually happened to him.

It's been two years and I'm actually starting to feel like I'm emerging from this misery and looking forward to a new life without my H. This site as well as Al-Anon, in my case, have been instrumental in helping me through this. I wish it could've turned out differently, but I'm learning that I have no control over the behavior of others. I have benefitted from this experience by learning a lot about myself and making needed changes (though I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy... maybe on my WH, though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

As they say in Al-Anon, "keep coming back." There is lots of wisdom at this site and many different outcomes. Also from Al-Anon: "whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too." I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through, I remember it all too well. Don't beat yourself up and torture yourself with "what if's" and "if only's." Whatever you did "wrong" you did with the best of intentions.

not trying to be disrespectful, but a lot of people, not only in this thread, are sitting around and hoping for a reconciliation after 1, 2 plus years? all along the WS is living and sleeping with someone else? .....and getting your support? i don't get it.

i want my life back like it was 2 weeks ago but this happened. my initial instinct was to end the whole relationship. zero tolerance for that crap. but now i'm thinking a second chance, right? are you folks saying that i just found a home and i'll be here for 1 or 2 years waiting for WW to come home? is this typical?

wow! i don't think that's part of my character.

Jack,

If you truly want your marriage back it is going to take alot of time. It is hard but if that is what you want, and you have to really want it..bad..Some people, well alot of people will do anything to rebuild, that is what this site is for. It is very common to just give up, I am thinking I should have two years ago. But I didn't, now did it help my situation? No not at all...but at least I can live with myself and know that I tried everything I could to get my marriage back. Do I regret hanging in for two years...sometimes....there are people here who have had alot of success rebuilding.

For me, It was an affair or something of the sort. I never really got to the bottom of it to this day...all the signs were there, the lies, even a letter from someone, but were all denied and I became the parinoid, insecure, suspicious wife. The lies got worse, and time with the family got less. I now wonder if I should have gotten off the marry-go-round along time ago.

I am only 30, have two great kids. I got married at 19 and thrown into my life. It has not slowed down until now. I am in search for myself, and who I want to be again. It is very scary...but I will make it, and with out any regrets, and with out all the worry and cold heart I have had for the past two years......

Christine

fooltoolong

it might be easy for me to say, but what in the world are you waiting for? you're young still. it sounds like he's gone. two years?

i'm not being mean and i'm no expert, but you have to get on with your life.

are you hoping he comes back, after all this time and everything ends "storybook"? nah....move on.

again, not being mean and mean no disrespect but geez