Thank-you for your help!<p>[This message has been edited by rene_mcd (edited November 22, 2000).]

rene<BR>Smothering is not something I was guilty of.<P> Your H may feel that since he knows you will always be there, he can keep up doing the fun things on his own...still. <BR>I was guilty of this type of behaviour. Granted, she was absent alot also. ( On just one hand I could count how many Saturday mornings we slept in due to her interest in running.)<BR> I took her for granted or purposely stayed away since her work and activities took time away from the home. Instead of discussing, we used passive-aggressive attitudes. By NOT discussing, she led me to think things were okay. I initially wanted her not to have to rely on me for her entertainment. Eventuall, she made frieds with the OM.<P>It really is not too early in the marriage for councelling for you two. It will be tough to talk about doing. Check around this site some more. See if you can't get him to, also.<P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.<p>[This message has been edited by rrunrr (edited November 17, 2000).]

The first ten yers of marriage are difficult to manage. Actually, make that 20. <P>Intitally when you and your H got married they really don't know what to expect. They have read fairy stories about living hapilly ever after and they have observed their parents. But they don't see the side of marriage where two people resolve a conflict through communication and negotiation. hence the skills are not learned. in a nutshell, Your H does not understand your need and you do not know how to communicate it to him without making him feel attacked. Let me provide an imaginary explaination of how life develops from a mans perspective. <P>As a single man, before you two were serious, your H had certain emotional needs. They may have inluded sports, keeping up with his friends, developing a career, meeting his family obligations and just having "me" time to escape at the tv or on the computer for example. Then he started dating you. He gave up some of his other needs to spend time with you. Meanwhile he was also maturing and his emotional needs were changing. Your relationship grew as he found ways you could meet these new emotional needs. They may have included companionship, admiration, honesty and openness, sexual fulfillment, and the need for an attractive girlfreind to show off. The problem is that as these new needs mature the old ones die very hard. Each level of commitment to you took him farther fromhis old needs. A similar shift also happened to you, but in the early years women are more mature than men and often shed their childhood needs before adulthood. <P>Eventually you got married. To a young couple marriage is a commitment that each of you will always love and be there for the other. To you this means being there emotionally to meet your need for affection, honesty and oppenness, convsersation (emotional validation), financial suport and family commitment. You need him to be there to help you through trying times. For your H this commitment means that you will be with him physically to provide him with sexual fulfillment, domesic support, an attractive spouse, companionship and possibly financial assistance. <P>This is further complicated by the fact that while you are more fully matured and ready for life, he is still getting over his childhood needs. He still needs to be involved in sports, friends and to have a considerable amount of "me" time. Somewherein all of this he is now expected to also become a provider and pursue his career. It is a real load. <P>Both of you have so much going on and so many needs that there is no way they can all be met. The problem is further complicated because he really doesn't understand your needs and you don't understand his. hence, you are not even very efective at meeting these needs because you don't know how to be. <BR>What I hear you saying in your post is that you are frustrated because your H is not addressing your needs in the same priorities as you would like him too. He may think he is doing a great job if he brings home the bacon (to fulfill finaicail support), strokes your hair once in a while (to fulfill affection), listens to you while watching tv (to fulfill conversation) and drive you to visit your mother (family support untill you have your own). He is trying hard and thinks he is doing a great job. <P>Unfortunately you keep complaining that you need something else. He interprets this as needing something more. Hence, your complaints are heard as put downs that he is not doing enough. They represent additional burdons rather than a need to rearrange priorities or learn to be more efficient. <BR>You may feel the same way at some point too. For example, he may want sex more often than you feel you want to give it. What he really needs is more variety of sexual stimulation, not neccessarily more intercourse. Someday you will each be more proficient at meeting each othrs needs, but right now it is a struggle. <P>When your H says he feels smothered it is because he perceives you are making demands on him which he can't meet with his current priorities. The only way you will haveyour need met is if you can help him reset his priorities. After all, meeting your needs are a big part of his priorities and he may be targetting the wrong ones at this time. <P>i recommend you go to the top of this page and click on the menu icon for Concepts. read them through. When you have finished, go back to the emotional needs sction and print out two copies of the emotional needs questionaire. You and your H should each fill one in. Then sit down togethr and discuss these needs, how they are being met, and how they could be met more effectively. Lets face it, no one can be a better advisor at meting you needs than you. <P>Make sure you use good communication techniques and provide room for his childhood needs which he isn't ready to abandon yet. These are not listed in the EN questionaire and it would be a good idea for you to let him know you are willing to acknowledge them.. Otherwise he will feel the ENQ is unfair (his word may be BU****IT). <P>This is a start. My deffinition of marriage is that it is an institution where we learn how to love and to be loved. There is a lot to learn. I know that when your 21 even a few years seems like a long time. But you have so many ahead of you. take the time to slow down and let yourselves learn instead of looking for instant gratification of your needs or hoping for miracles. <P>When you see an old couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, they didn't come to love each other so much because they were made for each other or some miracle brought them together. Their happioness comes from years of learning to love and suffering through many trying times. They may seem the best of friends but there were years, maybe decades, when they were their own worst enemies. Save your expectations for the fairy story you may write some day. Meanwhile focus on learning and becoming the best wife, mother and person you can be. <P>your h Before he got married the two of you were dating and he managed to meet most of your emotional needs. he did this by sacrificing his own needs and by dating you. when you were married he had the expectation that he would no longer need to date you and thus the demands on him would decrease. He is trying to fit in all his needs and sill met yours. his may include before<P>he doesn't know when it is appropriate to say no so he

Thank_you<p>[This message has been edited by rene_mcd (edited November 22, 2000).]