TOMORROW? (ok today)

WW is coming over for a talk.

if you read my other thread, she's "thinking" about it (reconciliation).

i might get a yes and i might get a no.

if the answer is yes, do i let her walk back in like nothing ever happened, no restrictions, no 'sentence'?

if the answer is no, do i remain the supportive, passive, "it's MY fault" husband that'll be here when she's ready?

man o man!

Hi Jack55,

You also has a right to say "no" or "you need to
think about it".

For me, my husband want to come back, and I do want to start all over again with him....but I need time to think. It's because I love him so much that I cannot accept he "sleep" with other woman. Just when he said "sorry! I was drunk at that time". Then I let him back? What kind of logic is that? Is it simple as that "in" and "out" of our home???

So, I make the divoice and take the time
to think about how much I really love him.

Also, I need to think am I really can forget what
he done??? Forgive him is not difficult, but to
forget what happen is very hard for me.

I am waiting now, waiting for myself ready for him back....also waiting for myself get use to live without him. (it the same think for me)

The whole situation is not fair to me. It sounds like I cannot do anything but just let him back??!!! Why? How about if he come back and still keep in touch with O/W. What should I do then???

I think he also need to learn something from this. I don't know what is it but...I know it take time for him to learn....let's see what future bring to me and my husband. Might be, we will marry again.

Don't believe what your wife say to you...just listen. They always has their own explaination....they always get their own way to go.

Protect yourself. Even she said "yes", you also can say "no".

I don't know I am correct or not. I am not write very often because some idea here I really can't accept or don't understand. Like WH hurt me very much..but I need to welcome him back without saying anything???? Why?

I'm reading the post more than writing. Until, I read your post, and your thinking is quite similar to mind. Then I want to tell you my thinking.

I don't know it take how long time for me to forget this. Just wait and see.

Gloria

i like how you think, gloria!

yup....we're on the same page here.

good luck to you. you're a smart gal!

i still want other opinions because i'm so confused.

thanks for the reply!

MadJack

Hi Jack! Welcome to MB and I am sorry it had to be under an Affair. I believe you have the right attitude, and so does Gloria, however, rather than just 'they waltz right back in and out, etc' I would very strongly advise Marriage Counseling immediately for you both. Also, read the Book, "Surviving An Affair" and also on this site, Dr. Harley has a load of good info on "Infidelity" please surf over to it and read.
Hope this helps.
May God bless you, Jack.
Harold
PS - Also God bless you too, Gloria.
Stay Strong and keep praying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>WW is coming over for a talk.

if you read my other thread, she's "thinking" about it (reconciliation).

i might get a yes and i might get a no.

if the answer is yes, do i let her walk back in like nothing ever happened, no restrictions, no 'sentence'?

if the answer is no, do i remain the supportive, passive, "it's MY fault" husband that'll be here when she's ready?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, there is no surefire formula about how to handle this situation. I think if I were in your shoes, I would go ahead with the divorce unless she is willing right now to commit fully to the marriage. I would express my continued willingness to reconcile, but point out that the longer she continued in her betrayal, the longer it would take to rebuild trust. Remarriage might well involve a pre-nuptial agreement (albeit one in which both of you would be equally penalized in the event of a subsequent betrayal).

But that's just one opinion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jack55:
<strong>if the answer is yes, do i let her walk back in like nothing ever happened, no restrictions, no 'sentence'?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You do not want to impose a 'sentence'! If you set out to punish your wife for her actions, I believe your relationship is doomed.

However, that doesn't mean there should be no consequences and no restrictions. I would not let my wife come back without an agreement to get counseling. The idea is to view this whole situation as a joint problem, and to avoid the whole game of assigning blame.

Jack,

My XW did a reconciliation for about 1 week, then she dumped me for the 2nd time and never looked back. It was worse than the first time she said she was leaving. I'm just warning you to be careful, and be very skeptical of her intentions. She may just be missing the OM, and is lonely and desperate. Make HER earn it, and don't chase her. Let her chase you. It's hard to do, but you HAVE to stay strong in this area or you'll get walked all over. Remember, you call the shots now, not her. Just giving you my 2 cents from the lessons I learned in my failed marriage.

Good luck, and keep posting.

WH was gone 2 weeks when I ask him to come back after A with MOW. made the mistake of him telling me what to do for him in order for him to come home. it was all about sex the way he had gotten it from MOW. sex part wasnt that great, he never showed any tenderness or love. I noticed he was treating me rough, afterwards he would just roll over, never got up to clean up just wiped himself on my sheets & just went to sleep. It would have been nice just to hold me or tell me he loved me. I new something wasnt right. That lasted less than 4 weeks before he started acting the same again. found out from his friends he changed his habit of seeing MOW while working as cop on duty. Now he was leaving early for work to see her. I finally ask H me or her, he walked that night. I felt like a fool, but it was my fault for not setting some type of rules. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything to get him home. I now see how stupid & used I was. X never said he was sorry, only made excuses for the A. He always felt he was right to have an A. Everytime H went to work I was always wondering if he was with her. A was done on duty. The trust is the hardest to get past. I now know that he only came home because MOW couldnt get her H out of the house. We lost everything because of A & D. Our savings, home are gone, son wont speak to dad or see him. X cant have anymore kids. Dont make the same mistakes I did, set some type of rules, & talk to each other about your feelings.

m-almost 18 yrs
c-13, 29, 8 gd
d-5-02
me-48, 43

OW-32
c-3 small
d-7-02
m-10yrs

If she has to think hard about whether to stay with her bf or break up her marriage and family the chances are that she will not be committed to stay even if she returns. I agree with Nakasid post. Unless she is pursuing you and begging you to allow her to return and is able to prove to you that she is serious about recommitting I would not continue your marriage with her.

jack55, She's comming ovet to talk about reconcilation...that's a good thing in and of itself. If you still love her then and she is open to the idea of giving it a try, then you owe it to yourself to try. Set up boundries. Talk about what you beleive eroded the relationship. Understand that she will have her own opinion as to what went wrong. Look for ways to validate her feelings and draw her closer to you. She may simply be testing you to see how you will act. You have got to make her feel safe and comfortable, someone she would want to be with. Try not to talk too much yourself and just listen to her. Be genuine. Be her friend. One of the things I think about in my own sitch is that if I'm given the opportunity to even discuss reconcilation, I'm going to have to bite my tongue, and try to understand things from her perspective. Understand that her perspective IS HER REALITY. You cannot change it at this point. Above all else, do not give her any reason to beleive that comming back to you would be a mistake (and you would do that by making ANY LB's - avoid these at all costs) You are being given an opportunity that many of us here only wish we had. Good luck w/it.

Jack,

Here's the best post on Plan A that I've found here on MB. Study the list I posted in there and the other replies. The info is invaluable, and will help guide you on how to behave and act in those tense moments.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=8;t=011694#000007

thanks for all the replies, folks.

she stood me up. her mind is made up and she thinks she loves this guy. been trying to deal with the pain the last couple of days. this just doesn't make any sense to me. 3 weeks ago i was on top of the world and now.....

we just moved into our dream home. my dreams are ruined, my marriage is over. i can't stop the pain.

i'm also not the type that can continue with plan A. i need her to feel some of this pain. as soon as divorce is finalized (2 weeks?) i'm setting out to make them miserable. starting off by suing HIM for what she took. he doesn't have anything but i'll get 'some' pleasure watching him squirm.

what forum helps people in pain. i'm a total mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

"suing him for what she took" ????

Can you clarify what this is supposed to accomplish?

I know you are angry, but the sooner you can stop worrying about her and the OM, the better off you'll be. It's about YOU now. Forget her and making her miserable. She'll be miserable soon enough when her glass bubble bursts in this relationship with the OM that is based on lies and fantasy. Work on making yourself happy.

Go get the book, "Who Moved My Cheese". It is a great read and short. You can finish it in about 2 hours. Your cheese just moved, like mine did back in April.

If you want to take her to the cleaners in the DV, then do it, but any kind of "payback" after it's over will just land you in jail. Why punish yourself for a sin she committed? Keep posting and use this forum as a place to vent.

Hi Jack, your situation is almost identical to mine except my WW never admitted to the affair. We too had just moved into our brand new home this year & that's when she "no longer loved me".

She filed for divorce 10/02 & I moved out 11/15/02 after she refused to come home during that time. Talk about a "surprise" when the OM moved in with her on 11/16/02 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !!

I know the exact pain you are going through & hopefully some other wiser people on this board can help you alleviate some of it.

As for me, the pain felt so intense at times I was experiencing anxiety attacks & literally felt that my insides were being RIPPED out.

Through the advice on this board & talking with friends have I been able to slowly pull my life back together & realize that at this point, We need to really concentrate on ourselves.

I still yearn for my STBXW & love her deeply, but I am learning to love myself as well & not allow her & the OM to overwhelm me. I'm not sure this helps any but just wanted you to know that there really are others who share in your pain.

Stay strong & best wishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you clarify what this is supposed to accomplish?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">just some payback, retaliation, whatever. she/they need to have some pain and the sooner the better. maybe it'll break them up, maybe it will cost them some lawyer fees, maybe they'll argue, who knows....i do think i'll feel better f'in with them. they caused me unbearable pain and had no remorse whatsoever. i put my tail between my legs and tried reconciling and she stayed with him with no regrets. i don't understand and i guess i never will. i'll be fine, i know it. i'm starting to feel better already but it's still going to be a long hard road to travel. even if she did come back, i'm not sure that i'd be able to handle what she did anyway. i'll do nothing that lands me in jail, that's why the law suit. screw it! i already made it too easy for her to leave. nothing for now on will come easy for her as far as getting a damn thing from me. yea, i'm angry. i'm not supposed to be?

here's the letter i'm mailing her tomorrow....

Rox,

What you have done here, to me, to S, to your friends, to your family, to my family, is selfish, self-absorbed, self-centered, self-concerned, self-seeking and self-serving. Your decision is inconsiderate to any person other than yourself and very rash! All of your actions in the past months were nothing but filled with dishonesty, trickery, deceit, deception, fraud, and double dealing. You are and always have been a prevaricator, but now, instead of little innocent deviations from the truth, your disease has caused serious pain to people that love you and love you for all the right reasons.

The pain and grief you are putting your loved ones through is indescribable and there can't be any possible justifications for you to even this out, in your mind, the harm you have done.

The precarious path you are on is going against anything you have ever stood for, or pretended to stand for. This personal, self-seeking, pleasure tour of yours will not lead you to any happiness whatsoever and, in the end, you and this bindle stiff you are with will end up in poverty.

Yes, rox, I'm back in "anger mode" because you and this moppet have caused me abominable pain and suffering and i hope and pray the same for you in the future. Don't you have a conscience or any compunction at all? All the respect from people that you earned over the years is lost in less than two weeks. Your good reputation that you carried has been destroyed in less than two weeks. In less than two weeks, a caring mother, and wife, and aunt, and friend, becomes a reckless mother, a home wrecker, an unrespected aunt, a friend noone can trust and a whore. In two weeks you've thrown away everything that takes years and years to build.

I tell you all this, and i may be harsh, but you are the one who needs the wake-up call. I tell you this because I love you and i care for you and I don't want to see you ruin everything you worked so hard for to accomplish.

You need serious help, you need psychiatric help, you need to find God again, and you need the respect back that you lost from your family and friends. Do not think for one minute that anybody, anywhere, supports you in this decision. Some may appear to support you when face to face with you, but do you know what they are saying behind your back? I know what they're saying and it isn't flattering to say the least.

It's still not too late to repair the damage, but there will come a time when you won't be able to turn back. Sure, it won't be easy and it will take some hard work and commitment on your part, but it will be worthwhile for you and your future. Trust me, i know.

your betrayed husband,

Jack

I can guarantee you that if you send that letter, it will absolutely be the death nail in your marriage. I understand you wanting to 'get back at them', and that is fine if you no longer want your marriage. But what you say in the letter, no matter how true, will completely blow any chance for reconciliation away. There will be no coming back from this.

I have received several pieces of advice during my last year.

One the best was from an aquaintance who had recently divorced who said "Just keep your mouth shut, no matter how much you want to say something. Once those words are out, they can never be withdrawn. Say nothing out of anger or revenge, because those feelings will pass, but the harm your words say cannot be healed, no matter what you might want to do in the future. Saying harmful, vengeful things set you on a narrow path, while keeping them to yourself allows you many options for the future."

His wife was leaving him and he went off on her several times. She realized her mistake, but couldn't come back, because of what he said, and how she thought he perceived her after his having told her so many hateful and hurtful things. Even though he told me that he was just trying to be hateful and hurtful, he said that even though at the time he meant what he said, he really didn't mean it in his heart. The fact that he 'went off' kept any form of reconciliation from ever happening.

The next piece of advice I received from my counselor. She told me after countless attacks from my wife about nothing and everything, She said, "Expect the worst out of her in everything. Expect her to attack you, malign you, blame you, and treat you as the bad guy. That way, when she does these things, you will not be surprised and hurt. She will have done exactly what you expected her to do. THEN, if she doesn't do these things every now and then, you will be surprised in a good way. Essentially instead of expecting her to be civil, you expect her to be hateful. Just expect that every interaction you have with her will be horrible. Prepare yourself for it, and resign yourself to it. But try your best to not let it be because of what you do or say. Then if anything good comes from the interaction, you will be pleasently surprised."

I hope that you DO NOT send the letter. Write it out, and put it in the fireplace. I am absolutely possitive that you will be glad you did. Besides, if things don't change, you can always send another later. But right now, you are caught in the throws of anger and passion, but they are short lived when compared to the rest of your life.

Take care. We are here.

<small>[ December 22, 2002, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>