On my other thread, mrrlk inspired me to give myself credit for the GIGANTIC steps I've taken, and I thought about it and agreed. So, in honor of the journey I've taken over my life, here are the STEPS I HAVE TAKEN:
1. I survived being hit every day with rolling pins and broom handles
2. I survived being lectured and screamed at every day
3. I survived standing at attention for two hours every day
4. I survived being sexually touched as a toddler
5. I survived being asked to do sexual things as a child
6. I learned about God and had a relationship with Him as a child
7. I survived until I was old enough to move out of the house
8. I made it through college (somehow!)
9. I read the entire bible (old and new testaments) four times
10. I made some serious mistakes in college and in young adulthood
11. I drank WAY TOO MUCH in college
12. I had promiscuous sex in my young adulthood
13. I did recreational drugs in young adulthood
14. I became pregnant when I wasn’t married
15. I admitted I was an alcoholic and became sober while I was pregnant (16 years now)
16. I stopped doing ANY kind of drugs when my son was born… even caffeine!
17. I survived my son’s birth, but just barely.
18. My daughter was a premie—two months early!
19. I survived my H’s first physical affair shortly after my daughter’s birth
20. I cared for my premature daughter all by myself
21. I ran a profitable restaurant all by myself
22. I was a HUGE reason my H’s business was successful
23. I supported my H in pursuing his dream—even if cashflow was not as dependable
24. I juggled a budget and money to keep the family and business afloat
25. I survived being a mom for the kids while also being self-employed
26. I realized/recognized that there was something amiss with my anger and went to individual counseling ON MY OWN.
27. I spent three years in intense counseling to work on my abusive past
28. Although the counseling was HARD and painful, I did it with no support from my family
29. I learned about my inner child and how to talk to her and deal with her
30. I discovered that I had no Nurturing inner voice in my head—I had a Child, Protector and a GREAT BIG Criticizer…but no Nurturer. I had to learn that from scratch.
31. I learned what a Nurturer sounds like in your head by writing down what a Mother would say (a Mrs. Cleaver kind of mother…not MY mother!), what a Dog would say, and what God would say. Often God crossed over into Criticizer, so I had to write what a LOVING God might say.
32. I had to relive memories from my childhood that made me sick as an adult
33. My H tried to join me in counseling, but it was not successful
34. I survived several flings, flirts, and emotional affairs (thinking at the time, it was best for the kids)
35. On February 3, 2000, my H left me for a woman in another state. He left me with no job, two kids, all the bills, and a mortgage three months behind.
36. In the midst of THAT, I found a good job
37. In the midst of THAT, I paid all our bills
38. In the midst of THAT, I got our mortgage caught up.
39. I survived the initial shock and sorrow of when a spouse leaves you
40. I found Dr. Phil’s book "Relationship Rescue"
41. I got real with myself and realized I had contributed to the state of our marriage
42. I worked on myself and the relationship
43. I went to an entire anger management course—one whole year
44. I found MB and after reading all the concepts, began to Plan A
45. I got Dr. Harley’s book and began to read them and understand the concepts even further
46. I found out what my Emotional Needs and my Love Busters were
47. I communicated my Emotional Needs and my Love Busters
48. I found Patricia Evan’s book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"
49. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT! THAT WAS ME!
50. I got and read other books on marriage/relationships by authors like Dr. Laura, Dr. Harley, Dr. Phil (haha), Gary Smalley, Ellen Kriedman, etc.
51. I applied what I understood from the books
52. I read other books on verbal abuse like "Invisible Wounds" and "Controlling People
53. As I learned from each book, I practiced new techniques
54. I got and read books for my own personal growth like "Life Strategies" and "Self Matters"
55. I wrote journal after journal about what I was learning
56. I got on web sites and learned about marriage/relationships
57. I got on web sites and learned about affairs
58. I got on web sites and learned about verbal abuse
59. I got on web sites and learned about emotional and mental abuse
60. I got on web sites and learned about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
61. I kept trying, kept giving "second chances" and kept having hope
62. I became very close to God
63. I learned how to walk with loneliness
64. I learned how to throw pity parties
65. I learned that a spouse is not always patient because THEY need to learn patience!
66. I learned that walking through the fire purifies you
67. I learned that when I feel like God has abandoned me, He is actually carrying me
68. I went to individual counseling with a "guy" counselor and I liked him because he was really blunt, to the point, and thought like a guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
69. My H came to the "guy" counselor with me and they hit it off, so I let him keep going to him
70. I switched individual counselors to a lady counselor, and I liked HER even better
71. I participated in and worked on the assignments for the Marriage Builder weekend
72. I found and secured a marriage counselor who would come to our home
73. I did every "homework" assignment for both marriage and individual counseling
74. I discovered a support group for verbally/emotionally abused women in my town
75. I went to that support group and shared with the women
76. I took home the "homework" from the support group and worked on it during the week.
77. I moved out three times when the his abusive behavior became literally intolerable
78. I built my own self-esteem and self-worth
79. I learned that it is Godly to protect my heart, for it is the wellspring of life
80. I learned that it is loving to allow people to feel the consequences of their choices
81. I discovered a brand new concept: BOUNDARIES (what the heck are they?)
82. I find out that all of my boundaries were trampled as a child, so I never developed good personal boundaries!
83. I had to learn what boundaries were from scratch.
84. I practiced boundaries, but it was awkward and clumsy
85. I picked one boundary and stuck with it…"I’m not okay with that"
86. I honored my promises—to myself and to others
87. I was Radically Honest and expected the same from my spouse
88. I vowed to myself I would not tolerate being cheated on again—for my own self-respect
89. I held to that boundary
90. I protected myself and my kids
I don't know about you guys, but I can see that God's been working in my life, and I have faith that He will continue working at HIS pace and at MY pace.
CJ
