I am ready to give up in my marriage - communication has me frustrated. My husband gets easily confused, by what I perceive to be very clear and concise statements. And I find myself having to always rephrase myself in order to communicate with him, which often times leads to arguments out of frustration.
Now I avoid contact with him so that we won't have to talk

You need a counselor to help you both. Maybe it is that he is not hearing what you feel is so clearly stated. I am a doctor and my wife is a teacher, yet she couldn't communicate with me. What she felt as 'screaming' her position, I thought she was griping. When she said something about our boys or work, I heard her say something about our boys or work. What she felt like she was saying was "I am unhappy with us." I know that I would never and should never have dismissed her, but I simply didn't understand what she was saying and what she was wanting. She seemed 'crazy' to me. And still does. She repeatedly says one thing then another and wonders why I don't understand what she means. She says things then when I repeat them she tells me 'Don't turn my words back against me.'

I can tell you from experience, communication is a two way street. If you can't get a third party to help you understand how to say what you mean and help him to hear what you mean, then you are both in big trouble. And what a terrible reason to quit a marriage. Misunderstanding is in my opinion the least reason to quit. Understanding and not taking it into consideration is, but not misunderstanding. It is your responsibility to rephrase things until you are blue in the face. Then take a breath and start again if he will listen. But if you don't want the marriage anyway, then you will think that his inability to understand is all his fault.

I say this out of hope for your marriage. I can tell you that if communication is the biggest thing that you have to overcome, if you love him and he loves you, then you CAN learn better ways to communicate. But if you don't love him enough to continue or he doesn't love you enough to continue, then it is all for naught.

You sound to me like you are blaming him for not understanding what you mean. Well, I tell you, sometimes it is not that easy. Please, Please rephrase and repeat until he understands. Get someone to intercede on both your behalves, otherwise you are doomed.

If you understand that there is a problem, then I feel that you still have a chance to make it right. Calmly sit him down, hold his hands, and look into his eyes and tell him outright that you are not happy. Tell him what you are unhappy about, simply and don't attack. State things matter of factly, not accusatorily. Hold him close and tell him you love him, but that you need a change in your relationship. Ask him to repeat what he heard you say. Then you repeat everything that he tells you right back to him. That way you will KNOW whether he understands or not.

Work for your marriage. I bet he will be willing to as well. He probably just doesn't realize that is going on.

We are here for you.

Your'e right Formerly Confused. I gave up emotionally a long time ago and this communication problem is just the result of that.

Our problems began when I set him up in my head to be something none of can be and that is PERFECT. I didn't realize that until he had let me down in ways I never imagined and after that I gave up. The saddest part is, as I sit here I know I have a good Christian husband, but I have been let down so much that I cannot reach out to him to make anything right between us. Everytime I begin to reach out the devil steps in and robs us of the victory God has waiting for us.

Why is it that we can see so plainly what's going on until it is actually happening? I am a person driven by emotions and when I am hurt I can turn them off and become one of the coldest people ever and Satan knows and uses that to destroy alot of things in my life. I've heard my husband tell me that but I only took offense to it, until I read your message. Giving up on a marriage with a man who is committed to our family over this communication issue is not smart at all.

But how do you soften a hardened heart, in order to really defeat the Love Busters? In my head I really felt like it was all his fault that nothing appeared to be going right: emotionally, physically or financially. But alot of it was because of my emotional shut-down, but how do you start to get it back. In your message you said to hold hands and talk to him - I don't even get close enough emotionally to talk let alone touch?

Read, read, read. Make a pact with him that neither of you will do anything foolish, ie, file for divorce or leave. Limit interaction if it can sustain your marriage at this time, but you have to be working towards rebuilding the trust and love that you both share, but can't seem to find between you at the moment. I hear in your last post that you know that he loves you. I can hear that you love him, but that you have many issues between you that cause you to have severe difficulty.

The first thing that I can recommend is that you see him as a man, imperfect, but with the chance and will to do better. If he is Christian, then you have everything. If he truly believes in God and in the teachings of Jesus, he will be able to overcome those things that cause you pain.

However, I am less sure that it is him than your expectations of him. I think that your first stage should be for YOU to enter counseling. It doesn't appear to me that you are in any danger of your husband leaving you. Is this correct? You feel the need or desire to end the marriage? So I would just talk with him. You have to. There is no other way. Set down at the table with him on one side and you on the other. Write out what you need to say and then read it to him. Show him that respect. You don't have to go through every detail about what is making you unhappy, just say that you have several issues with your marriage that you want to change as well as many issues within YOU that you want to change. Tell him that you fell you have hardened your heart towards him and that has caused you to be unable to interact with him in the way you desire. Tell him that you love him, but you are having great difficulty in your marriage at the moment and don't want to end the marriage, but really want to change it.

Then go to a counselor yourself for a while. Because I feel that any changes that you will be able to make in yourself will only enhance your ability to interact with your husband. Then after a while, when both you and your counselor think that it would be a good time, ask him to join you. Or have him see a counselor separately for a while, then you both can work together. That is the key, YOU BOTH HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER !!! Because I am living proof that one person cannot, under any circumstances make a marriage work, no matter ability and desire.

I would have given anything in this world other than my boys and my faith to keep my wife loving me. But she was not interested any longer. My career, where we lived, etc. meant nothing compared to what I felt for her and my family. And Yes, I mean that at the time I LOVED HER SO DEEPLY. We sound very much like you, but instead of asking friends or this board, she chose to find her peace with men at the bar, or with meeting boyfriends from online. She was not as strong as you, because I truly don't ever think that she thought about actually trying. She just kept thinking that her happiness and sadness was all because of what I was doing to her. Nothing about her own responsibility to help our relationship grow or to take our relationship to counseling or anything. It was just my responsibility. Well, I was working 3 jobs and studying for my written and oral boards, and just wasn't recognizing what other things were going on. I was spread too thin, which was completely my responsibility and I should taken the initiative to limit this, but she still felt it was my responsibility to make her happy. And when I didn't, she decided to make herself happy, but outside our marriage, over and over again.

This is where I see your marriage heading if you don't do something about it. I hope and pray that you will be able to take small steps towards rejoining your marriage. But you will have to take the steps. They will not occur on their own. And you will have to sacrifice for it. I forgave my wife for three affairs, but found it hard. But while I was doing it, I found a sense of desire for her that I had not felt for a long time. I refound what it meant to be a husband. I just didn't get to keep that going long enough for her to allow herself to remember what it is like to be a wife. She decided that my forgiveness and changes had to be on her timeline, and that her actions should have no effect upon how I felt and acted. She said "I killed her heart and once again forced her to jump at the first man to show her love." But we all know that everyone affects each other, especially husband and wife.

Work hard, I will give you any advice that I can and others on this board will as well. I see hope in your marriage. Hope that I wish I had in mine. You have already made the first step by asking about it. Read 'Relationship Rescue' by Phil McGraw "Dr. Phil". Get him a copy and ask him to read it as well. Then go to counseling. Do everything, and if something doesn't seem to be working, try something else. Don't give up. If you know that your husband is a good man, then help yourself to find that in him again and help him to realize what you need in your marriage. If things have occurred in the past that have hurt you, you will need to confront them then forgive them. You will never be able to have a relationship if you hold things against your husband. Because everything that you do and say will be colored by it. Everything that you see him do or say will be filtered through that unforgiveness, and will be turned around and reshaped until it fits the mold of the person that hurt you rather than loves you.

I speak from experience. I wish so much that I had the opportunity that you have at this moment. Realize also that the only control you have is over yourself. You must make yourself better and in turn that will help to make your husband better. But you will not be able to sit there and dictate the changes that your husband must make in order to make you happy. You can help mold him by loving him. If he doesn't do what you really wanted him to do, help him to understand. Be forthright, now is not the time to be subtle, your marriage is on the line. Don't confront him, but with a kiss and a hug, say that you love him, but wanted this or that to happen. This will help him to understand better and also not feel attacked.

Attacking will kill any and all words that you say at the time. The only thing that is communicated in an attacking remark is emotion. The words that you are saying might as well be in Martian, because they do not matter.

Take the step to give him a hug today. Just a hug. Take small steps towards your future. It will not kill you and will help you to realize that this man is your friend, not your enemy. you don't even have to speak, just hug him as he walks by, maybe say that you love him. Look for the good things in your past, because the bad things are so easy to see. sometimes we forget all the great and glorious things that have occured in our lives together.

Work, work, work.

One other thing, and this is completely up to you, but you mention that he has let you down in ways you could never have imagined. Maybe if you let us know what these things were we could more specifically help you. There are fabulous books on Infidelity, several of which I have read. There are also books on other subjects as well. But let us know when you feel more comfortable. We are safe, you might not always hear what you want to hear from us. you might be confronted or sympathized with. but in the end, you have the ability to skip over the post and read another. Any information that you gain at this time will only help you. Even if it is someone saying that you are wrong. Realize that everyone has opinions, and that these are only opinions. But we have all gone through things that have led us to this board. We just may be able to help you so that you don't have to end up like so many of us did.

We are here.

<small>[ December 22, 2002, 09:02 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Hi,

I'm currently reading a book that might help you. It's "The Dance of Connection - How To Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.

This book is excellant and extremely helpful.

Good luck!

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Free2BMe,

Thanks for the information and encouragement

Anytime, 1001!

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