Funny, I really have nothing to say, however that rarely stops me from speaking my mind. It has become the essence with which I live my life when I don't have my children with me. Both of my boys are at their mother's. Her mother and stepfather are there and her sister is coming in a day or two. I am here alone tonight. Not really lonely, but really wishing that I had someone to share this time with.
I don't feel so bad that I cannot continue. I in all actuality don't feel that badly at all. I had my oldest boy for a few hours this afternoon and we went shopping for my youngest boy and his mother. I don't know why I still care, but he couldn't find what he wanted for her so we ran all over town looking for it. He is such a great kid. He wanted to get her a water filter, because she hates the taste of the water at her house. We found one, but he wanted a different color, so off we went, running into every store we could find until we found it.
We had a great time. We laughed and joked with each other. Each time we got out he would start in on me, and I would deny that he is my son. So he would yell at the top of his voice, "I am his son, this man right here, he is my daddy." hahaha He was trying to be a pain, but let everyone know that he was still my son. I was denying knowing him so he was being a goofball and saying that I was his daddy in the process.
I took my youngest boy out the other day to go shopping. He wanted to buy some cheap jewelry. I don't know why I didn't just let him. But I talked to him and said that maybe his mother would rather have something else. I know her, and she would never wear it, no matter who gave it to her. She has an image to uphold, and it isn't 'I love my children so much I will wear their gaudy jewelry.' Anyway, we ran around for over an hour looking at several different shops until he finally picked out something that she might consider displaying at least. I don't know why I cared however. I could have just let him buy the $5 huge glass rock and been done with it. I guess, I knew that she would never wear it and it would just hurt his feelings. Or maybe it is that I still have to do a good job. I can't take the easy way out just because.
For my birthday in Sept. She was angry that I didn't 'THANK' her for taking the boys out and getting me a present. She said "I dragged them out last night at 7:30 to the Hallmark store to get you something, they didn't even want to go, but I made them go for you." It just made me sad. Not that they didn't want to go. I know my boys well enough that she never said anything to them about the next day being my birthday, otherwise they wouldn't have been so hesitant. Or she did it so late that they were already tired. But anyway, she was mad at me for not thanking her. She never once said 'Happy Birthday" but was furious that I didn't 'see her sacrifice by taking the boys to get me something." It just boggles my mind. But her behavior and state of mind is no longer my concern. I love my boys and will always protect them with everything that I have available to me.
I know the truth. I know the truth about our marriage and am not afraid of my part in it. I get aggrivated sometimes, because she goes to church on the weekends that she has my boys. I don't know why. I know that I SHOULD be glad, and I am in reality. I am glad that although I can't be there with them, they still get to go when I am not there. I go at a different time than she goes because I teach my youngest son's class, kindergarten.
I guess that I get angry, because she seems to feel that she is doing right. I also, deep down in my heart although I know it is wrong, don't want her to get the 'good' that I get out of church. I know, I know, how can a man who feels he is Christian NOT WANT a wayward person to go to church. I understand that it is EXACTLY where she needs to be, and in truth, it is like on this one issue, I am two separate men.
The 'guy' in my wants her to burn. To never feel repentance and relief. To forever be hurting. The 'guy' knows the type of person she is. He knows that she will shake her butt around and attract a man. And the 'guy' doesn't want it to be a man from my church. She doesn't deserve someone that is a Christian. She deserves some barfly. I hate the 'guy' for thinking these things, because I know that they are not best for anyone concerned.
It is almost like I feel that she will not get her 'Just deserts' for all the pain that she has caused. That she will just flow into another relationship to be 'happy' in and our life will have meant nothing. Now that is not to say that the 'guy' wants her miserable for the rest of her life. But neither does he want her to just say, "Forgive me God" and continue on her merry way. The 'guy' just doesn't know. He just is a miniscule part of the person that I am, but he is there none-the-less, coming out only when I think about this adultress in church, all dressed up acting like the lovely little hurt teacher.
That is what burns me. That the 'guy' doesn't have the guts or actually the stupidity to just tell everyone about her past. That the 'guy' hasn't told her family, her friends, her collegues at work. That only a few of my friends and my family knows just what has happened, and it allows her to walk around like nothing at all has gone on. And now, I think she realizes that I will not do it, so she has no reason to do anything differently. Nothing in that way will do the 'guy' any good. It will only hurt my children, because in the most she will loose her support, and in the least she will become angry at me and in turn it will just hurt my boys.
I, on the other hand, see that nothing that I do or say will make any difference at all. Letting others know all about her will only harm my children. Telling others will only cast a cloud upon me, not necessarily in their eyes, because I am sure that she has lied to them about our situation, and I am amazingly the whole problem for her life. So I doubt that I could sully my reputation in their eyes, and quite possibly I could raise it in some ways. In that they would once again, see that the person they know her as, is once again lying her way through life. But I see that it just doesn't make a difference. Nothing does any more. Revenge is not mine to take. Had I desired to hurt her, I could have demolished her. But once again, it would only hurt my children.
I want her to be happy. I want her to really see what God has to offer her. I want her to repent, not for my sake or our family's sake, but for her sake. For her soul's sake. I get angry because she is so phoney, but then again, I know that if she isn't at church, even if it is for appearances, she will never get anything at all. So at least she may be getting some form of teaching, however she warps it. Sometimes I truly don't know how she can sit through the same sermon as I hear and be able to keep breathing. I know, I know. Once again, it is not for me to decide her fate and her sincerity. And that by having these thoughts and feelings, I am only setting myself back. And I just now realized that by having these feelings it in a form is being angry with God and mistrusting him.
I just realized this at this moment, that by being angry with her for going to church, but still doing what she is doing, is in all fact, being angry with God and God's purpose. That by being angry that she doesn't seem to feel the 'punishment' she 'deserves', that I am not trusting God to take care of all his children, Her included. Maybe this is exactly what he wants to happen. Maybe there is no punishment for her in her future. Maybe this all happened so that we both could eventually be saved. Perhaps, that without such a tremendous trauma, I would never have returned to believing, and in the process, she would never have had a reason to go to church, thus allowing time to slip by and neither of us to once again realize just what love we have been missing in God.
I know it is not for me to discern the reasons that things happen. And although I can hate the behavior, and even the person on occasion. I understand that she is nothing to me any longer, and therefor her life and her soul are her's and God's to deal with in the manner they see fit. It is hard to believe that a person who was an adultress 4 times over and completely broke up her family, could ever get into God's good graces. But that is so incredibly and ridiculously selfish of me that I can hardly believe that at times I still feel anger about the possibility.
I guess what I want in a way is to see her realize just what sort of person and thing she has become. To beg forgiveness. To be punished in some way, then for her life to be reborn. haha, Talk about a cocky attitude. Kind of a 'God, scoot over, I will take it for a while.' type thing. I understand the ludicrous thoughts behind it, and I do not want to be even remotely believing that I know better than God. I bow to his will and his love. The essence of my feelings, I realize is nothing more than human emotion and pain. And I know that this is nothing from which to structure a life around.
I look now upon my life and see where I thought I would be and where I THINK I will be in the future. None of the things are the same except that I will always be the daddy of my boys. My career is completely different. My city and area of the country is completely different. My family is totally demolished in its entirety, and with only supreme work, can my boys find a family in the cinders of what once was and could have been. But I am willing to put in that work. I have great confidence in myself. Even after having been chosen 5th during my marriage. For a short while, I thought that it was truly me. That it was my failings that brought this about. But now I see that although I was not the greatest of husbands, at my worst I was still a good catch. I cared for my family and loved them beyond measure. I loved my wife so much that I was willing to forgive three affairs in an effort to have the chance to change. I loved her past the point that I should have for my own safety. But that was just exactly how it should have been. When you are married, you don't live for yourself. You don't cling to your own safety. You don't take yourself above your family. I put myself below everyone else in everything. But in doing so, I didn't pay enough attention to those that I loved so deeply. I thought that since I was sacrificing so much, that everyone should sacrifice at least a little. I felt that I had so much ability, that I should use it for my family. I expected that while I was giving everything, that they could at least give something. I expected that while I was working a 24hour shift in the ER, that my wife would be grateful for my ability to earn a good living, not angry with me for being gone and finding someone else to take my place.
I am so angry that she felt like she did for so long and never talked with me about it. Never once did she ever tell me that I worked too much. She would get angry because I was at work a little late sometimes, but it seemed more because I wasn't getting home to 'relieve' her of the boys, rather than to have me at home. I worked three jobs. One of them by the hour. Instead of saying that she wished I would quit one and spend more time at home. She would tell me to "read slow" thereby earning more money and being gone longer.
I don't know how I got on this tonight. I guess that I am just feeling a little sad at this time of year. I think about having someone to care for. I think about having someone to give to. To give my love to. And to receive a little of it in return.
I guess that I see that nothing is as it should be, and there is not one damn thing I can do about it. I know and understand what I want and need out of life. I guess that I feel best while sitting in church. That is a place in which I can feel peace.
I have been actively learning how to place my troubles on God. Allowing him to take the trials that I have no control over. To allow him to accept my feelings of pain and emptiness. To ask him not to fix things, but rather to allow me to endure them in a Christian manner. I know that I will make it just fine. I will look back on this time in a year and feel completely different. I will look back on it in 5 years and wonder how I ever felt this way. In 50 years, I will finally, maybe, be able to say that all is well, despite this chapter.
Because that is just it, and I think that we must remember it. This is just a chapter in our lives. Think of this life as a book. We have been leading up to the central conflict. Now we are there. How we approach it and what we do from here on will determine how the book ends. But the book will continue with or without our active support and guidance. It can be an unmitigated flop, in which we dry up and exist. Or it can be a wonderful manuscript in which we join in the struggle and shape the outcome to our own purposes.
We can trust in ourselves and God. We can become what we desire or we can just dry up and blow away.
I was reading a book about 4 months ago. Right in the middle of the worst of my emotions. In that book, the central character said a line that has impressed upon me the guidance that I strive for at any given moment. It has been the center of my days since that time, and I know that God put it in my way so that at that critical moment, I would find something that I could identify with.
The line is only three words. But those words in context have meaning to everyone of the people who post, lurk, or read on these boards.
The line is "Survive or live."
Now on the surface, these might seem to mean the same thing. However, I argue that they are completely diffent in every way. While in order to have one you must have the other, the same is not true in reverse.
To live, truly live, you must survive. You must continue on while you learn from your mistakes, your actions, your life in general. However, to survive, you DO NOT have to live.
Contradictorily speaking in this manner is the crux that we can find in our lives. We can say to ourselves, each day that we go to bed, that we have made it through another day. But that is not the important thing to think about. The real question is, can we say upon awakening, "I am going to LIVE today."?
So I challenge you all as I challenge myself each morning.
Are you going to LIVE, are you going to make today and everyday life? Or are you merely surviving, moving through the time in which life is slipping away?
I care for you. I care for us all. Regardless of our situation, be that BS or WS. Be that offender or offended. Be that batterer or battered. How will you take the time that God has set before you from now on.
Will you LIVE OR SURVIVE .
<small>[ December 22, 2002, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>
