I've been married for about three years now, and I've been feeling more and more resentful about this choice. I have a beautiful little baby, and I've come to the conclusion that if it weren't for him, I would probably start investigating what it would cost to get a divorce. My life has vanished. My free time is gone. Any plans I had to be a musician, writer, traveler, are dead. I turned 40 this year, and by the time I have any free time or disposable income left, I'll be in my 60's. I feel like I've missed my chance to live because I did what "normal" people do and became a husband and Daddy. I wish there were some way to wake up in my 20's and start over again. I hate my life today.<P>When I discuss anything about my concerns with my wife, she gets angry and resentful, and I guess I can't blame her. I allowed myself to be dragged along into the life she's always wanted, and she's too self-absorbed to comprehend that it's not the one I wanted. I wish I could start again. I know that's a useless thing to say, but I know I could be a greater man if I had more freedom. None of the great men in the past seemed to have a demanding, *****y wife always trying to get them to give up their dreams to be Ward Cleaver.<P>This is my fault, and I'm miserable, and I have no answers. I hate my life today. Where is God? Never mind, there is no answer that isn't trite and intellectually insulting.<P>Shoot me please.<P>An old girlfriend recently sent me an email. It occurred to me that if she were close and not completely insane, I might consider having an affair with her. My sex life degraded after marriage, as soon as my wife got the ring and the house in the suburbs, pleasing me became a very low priority for her. I miss passion, and freedom and fun.<P>Shoot me twice.

Woody,<P>(Discalimer: If your post is merely a vent please disregard my response. We all need to vent sometimes. If that is not the case, I mean every word.)<P>You sound more like you are 18 or 19 not 40. Lets see, you were 37 when you married. So your decision to marry and have a family can't be blamed on youthful infatuation. How exactly were you "dragged" into this?<P>How is it that you have "missed your chance to live"? What did you do for those 37 years? What kept you from pursuing your passion for music, writing and travel? You should not be lamenting your life now but mourning the years you appearantly squandered.<P>I'm not sure waiting until you are 37 to marry is "normal". People make choices all the time. I chose to marry when I was 22 and start a family at 25. That has meant that my life for the last 22 years has been a struggle to provide a secure home for my wife and children. In that time, I went back to school, changed careers and started my own business. We now look forward to being empty nesters by the time I am 50. At that point I will have more freedom. But then there will be community service, work in my church that I haven't be able to find the time for and of course hopefully grandchildren. So really not much will change. <P>If this life wasn't the one you wanted why on earth did your say "I do"? If I think back to the time that our kids were 3 or 4 I remeber my wife being preoccupied with them, not self-absorbed. This is likely what is happening in your home. The one who sounds self-absorbed is you. In reality the only way you can be a "greater man" is to stand up and embrace the responsibilities you committed to in your marriage vows! Only in doing what is right will you find true freedom! None of the great men in the past became great by walking away from their responsibilities. <P>I'll just bet that your wife doesn't want a Ward Cleaver. She probably does want a faithful husband and attentive father, gee doesn't that sound like a horrible aspiration for a wife to have. How dare she be so bit**y and demanding! It is not your marriage commitment that has ruined your life. It is your attitude toward that commitment.<P>You are right. This is your fault becaue you are the only one who can change your attitude. The title to your post is "I wish I could start over". Well the good news is you can. You can start today to love honor and cherish your wife and child like you said you would. <P>Mud <><<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited November 29, 2000).]

This may be part of the trite and intellectualy insulting answer you are worried about. <P>What I understand is that you feel like you have sacrificed all of your dreams to give your wife hers. Is it possible that at one time you shared those same dreams?<P>You fell in love with this woman. It is possible to do that again. I recommend reading His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley. This book will give you and your wife some guidleines to follow together so that you can fall back in love with each other. Many people on this board use it and it does work. With this plan she will be made aware of your needs as well as you being made aware of her needs. Of course, it takes both of you to do it. If she is not willing, then you can start on your own and she may soon follow. <P>The feeling of considering an affair is understandable for where you are at in your marriage. The book address this right from the very beginning. I strongly suggest you get it and have your wife read it also. This may wake her up as to your feelings.<P>just a start.<P>cleo<BR>

You know what? We've all felt bored, trapped and panicked at some time in our marriages. We all go through that regardless of what age we were when we got married. <P>My H and I married at age 23 (me) and 25 (him). We had no money, no education and soon became parents of two beautiful children. My mother died of breast cancer (at the age of 45 BTW) when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. My husband and I struggled for several years with our loss of freedom and (perceived) identities and the enormous sacrifices we had to make. <P>I think in a way I had an early MLC (mid life crisis) when I found myself living in a small (shabby) duplex, my mother dead of breast cancer, two small babies and a husband who was having a tough time giving up "hanging out with the guys." <P>It scared me half to death at that time to realize how PERMANENT everything was. There was no more "when I grow up" fantasies to be had. I was a grown up whether I was ready or not. <P>Marriage and babies was a shock to both my H and myself. There was no way we could have "prepared" beforehand. Your W's focus on the children is totally natural (it was a very fulfilling time in my life as well) and it is very hard for the H not to feel deprived for attention and (mostly) sex like in the free and easy days prior to parenthood. <P>Having thoughts about running away is normal and human -- actually doing it would destroy everything you've tried to build -- You have to think of your baby now...He/she must come first...What's best for your child is how you must direct your thoughts. <P>It's not about YOU anymore, and that's eventually going to feel pretty good...You are in a process at the moment and it feels desperate and inescapable....But you have to talk to your wife and tell her how this is freaking you out and making you think about things that would be damaging to your lives. <P>Ask her how she feels about the changes in your lives. <P>You don't have to give up your dreams, you just need to be creative and plan to do what you want in ways that include your family and incorporate your new self into them. <P>I just saw a VH-1 special last night on the rock band "Creed." Guess what? Lead singer, long hair, leather pants - mid twenties. Married and has a baby boy. The wife and baby travel WITH him, and the last scene was the lead singer with his boy in his arms singing in front of a massive audience. Creativity, success, personal fulfillment and sharing it with HIS FAMILY.<P>It can be done. Priorities, focus, have faith. It will all work out. Don't run away! What you have is precious and needs to be protected and nurtured. <P><BR>God Bless,<BR>Lisanne<p>[This message has been edited by Lisanne (edited November 29, 2000).]