Well, I can't believe it took me this long to find the site. I'm living in a foreing country as an expat and have had an affair after 20 yrs. of marriage. The marriage was full of emotional/verbal abuse, my therapist said suprised we got through it. Well in March started an affair with office coworker, DD in early June. Didn't leave, but kept both going (wife while I worked on me, and OW. Told wife three times wanted big D but could never pull the trigger. Now, after finally telling her again in early Dec. I'm wondering about "buyers remorse". Spent a very lonely Christmas here without friends and with the emotional rollercoaster I'm going through (told the OW that I was getting big D for good, so now she's fully committed to me)... giving me my space but I"m wondering if I've made a mistake. Wife totally pissed off as you would expect after she has spent 3 years in a foreign country with me. Don't really know how to proceed... want to fix my marriage, I think, but also want to see if this OW relationship will work.... I mean I think it's the primary reason I left. Wife has told all our friends I left her for another woman, and not suprisingly I've had NO calls from anyone. So much for friendship. Any thoughts?

Hi,

I don't have much to offer. You are confused that is for sure. Of course no one called. Infidelity is the ultimate sin of sins. You cannot keep both going.

If you really want to fix your M, you have to end it with OW. There is not debating that. Besides, you don't have a real relationship with this woman. A R based upon lies and secrets and sneaking around is not a relationship. It is a fantasy.

Why would you want to hurt your wife further by so called testing the waters to see what happens with OW. You just told you wife she is second best. How would you feel if she said to you, well, honey, maybe we can go out, but I dont' want to commit to it, because something better may come up. This is exactly what you are telling her. Right now, you are in a huge fog.

Here is what you need to do if you really want to fix your M, you need to send a No Contact letter to OW, let your wife read it before it is sent and let your W be with when you mail it. No phone calls, no e-mails, no contact with OW. I also suggest MC for both you and your W. I have not used the Harleys for a phone conference, but I hear they are very good. If I could afford it, I would.

One more thing, you need to clear your head. Before you can do this, you really need to get OW out of your life so you can think clearly. What kind of woman goes out with a married man. In my opinon, one of low values. So, if she will do this with you, what is stopping her from doing it with another MM in the future.

One more thing, why was your W emotionally/and verbally abusive. What are some examples. My H could say I am, just because I stand up for myself. I'm not trying to dimish this, because I know this is real. The problem with emotioan adn verbal abuse is that it is so subjective to personal interpretation.

Is you W getting help for this? Does she know this is why you were unhappy? Was their anything that would happen that she felt justified in her behavior? (not that is justifies it) I'm just thinking from my perspective, my H would be verbally abusive by being disrespectful, he would not be home much, and by the time he came home, I would be angry and mad at his neglect of me and the kids

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 07:04 AM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

You've come to the right website. It's the smartest move you can make! Lots of knowledgeable and caring people here, people who have been in your situation and can show you the road map to a sane, truly happy and healthy marriage/life.

Dr. Harley has spent years working with couples recovering from affairs and he says that relationships that start as an affair rarely ever last, 2 yrs at most. So there is nothing to base a lifetime on with OW! It's a dead end!! She is not the answer to your life.

I strongly encourage you to work on the issues in your marriage. There is hope of recovery.

First, remember Who made marriage to start with? God. You can't succeed in this recovery without Him. Both you and W must commit your souls and this marriage to Him. Ask God to help in restoring the marriage.

Don't hide anything but put all the pieces before Him. The answers will come from Him.

Ask Him to help you see things from your W's position. Take responsibility for what you contributed to the downfall of the marriage. Repent to God and to W; get His and her forgiveness. Acknowledge to Him that you sinned against Him and against the marital covenant. Know that HE is still in that covenant, desiring to forgive and restore.

Think of how far the marriage strayed from God's design for marriage & true intimacy. If you both don't know what that design is, start a study of that together. There's a book by Jimmy Evans, Marriage on the Rock, and a tape set of Return to Intimacy. See http://www.famtoday.com God has much better for you & W than what you had!

Will W get counseling with you? Will she attend an MB seminar? Do the emotional needs questionnaires and find out what needs must be met to rebuild your marriage.

If there is abuse going on, that is a power thing. A healthy marriage can't exist with power games. You must build a marriage based on equality and mutual respect, taking the other's feelings into account, depositing love into each other's bank, etc. When needs are met and love-busters avoided consistently, this is the best way to rebuild trust & love, and affair-proof your marriage. Get Harley's books.

Don't wait any longer. Do the right things NOW before it is too late!!!!

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> want to fix my marriage, I think, but also want to see if this OW relationship will work.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can't have your cake and eat it too! I speak out of LOVE in Christ, NWIE!

You have 20 years of marriage to look back upon, even after 3 years of my marriage I hate the thought of throwing that away! How can YOU!? I'm WH, and regret ever putting my W through the hell she is going through! I brought A into backyard! See posts by Free2beMe and you will see a glimpse of what you have put your W through!

Read and re-read the principles here.

At the very least it's ok to feel the lonliness, isolation from OW and even your W, as the "fog" must clear frist before you can pursue what it is you want or need. Although, neither may be waiting for YOU in the end, you will come out a much better person for what life has in store! Focus on yourself, seek counseling! Work through what got you to this point in your 20 years! You just may have lost the logs to your marital fire, the romance and intrigue that can endure all trials and tribulations!

Perhaps there are EN's not being met on your behalf as well as your W meeting your EN's!

God's BLessing, nwie!

In Christ's Name!
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you sound a lot like my x. X couldnt make his mind up. X told me he was leaving for MOW one day, next day wanted to work on our M. 2 days later gets caught down dirt road with MOW in patrolcar. stays home 2 weeks then leaves for 2, back home again for about 5 weeks till caught with MOW again. now we are D. Do you want this for the rest of your life. I didnt. My child and me both deserved a better home life. You cant have both. If you are not sure about which to stay with, stay away from both woman and think about what you are doing. I now know from friends that x said I was verbal abusive. This was X way of making it easier for him to leave. I never yelled at X, or told him what to do. X was the controller, I did every thing X ask. I finially stood up to him when I found out about MOW. I took controll back over my life, X couldnt handle that. I dont blame friends for staying away from you. There was certain cops on the force I was told to keep H away from. He became friends with M one that had slept with almost all the young females in town. He became like the people he hung around. X blamed me for him falling in love with MOW. You cant make someone have an A unless they want to. No matter how rough our home life was, I never even thought about going out finding another man. After all the hurt & pain X has put me through I still dont feel right dating or seeing another man. I was M for almost 18yrs to this man who just one day felt he needed a new life. X & OW new life together isnt what he thought it would be. Ive heard from Her X & our friends that he started yelling at her & her 3 kids right away. her X is giving them problems & will be on X butt for the next 14 yrs. the grass isnt always greener. you are only going to carry the problems you had with W over to another relationship. Thank about what you are doing. my X is alone with OW, son wont see him anymore, his real friends have nothing to do with him or OW. He only has OW, & her so called friends. All the people they hang around now cheat on their spouses.

m-17yrs 9months
d-5-02
c-13yr, 29, 8 gd
me-48, x 43

ow-32
d-7-02
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs

you sound a lot like my x. X couldnt make his mind up. X told me he was leaving for MOW one day, next day wanted to work on our M. 2 days later gets caught down dirt road with MOW in patrolcar. stays home 2 weeks then leaves for 2, back home again for about 5 weeks till caught with MOW again. now we are D. Do you want this for the rest of your life. I didnt. My child and me both deserved a better home life. You cant have both. If you are not sure about which to stay with, stay away from both woman and think about what you are doing. I now know from friends that x said I was verbal abusive. This was X way of making it easier for him to leave. I never yelled at X, or told him what to do. X was the controller, I did every thing X ask. I finially stood up to him when I found out about MOW. I took controll back over my life, X couldnt handle that. I dont blame friends for staying away from you. There was certain cops on the force I was told to keep H away from. He became friends with M one that had slept with almost all the young females in town. He became like the people he hung around. X blamed me for him falling in love with MOW. You cant make someone have an A unless they want to. No matter how rough our home life was, I never even thought about going out finding another man. After all the hurt & pain X has put me through I still dont feel right dating or seeing another man. I was M for almost 18yrs to this man who just one day felt he needed a new life. X & OW new life together isnt what he thought it would be. Ive heard from Her X & our friends that he started yelling at her & her 3 kids right away. her X is giving them problems & will be on X butt for the next 14 yrs. the grass isnt always greener. you are only going to carry the problems you had with W over to another relationship. Thank about what you are doing. my X is alone with OW, son wont see him anymore, his real friends have nothing to do with him or OW. He only has OW, & her so called friends. All the people they hang around now cheat on their spouses.

m-17yrs 9months
d-5-02
c-13yr, 29, 8 gd
me-48, x 43

ow-32
d-7-02
c-3 under 11
m-10yrs

O

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>