She shares some mutual friends with me and I guess they filled her in on my DV. I dumped her to be with my XW, so she probably has been a bit jealous since that day. I get a "Merry Christmas" email today from her. Haven't heard from her or seen her in over 3 years. She was one of these that wasn't happy when she had me, but couldn't leave me alone when I didn't want her. I guess I could get together with her (we're in the same town again, and ironically, she lives about a mile from my XW) and catch up. Wouldn't hurt, I guess. I'm just afraid it's gonna rekindle some feelings that I put away long ago. I made up my mind that I'd never let her back into my life again for the way she treated me (basically rejected me). Any advice?

nk-

Although your dv is final, where is your heart!? Is it too early to start something so soon!? Besides, it sounds as though the xgf was not the healthy person and may not be even still! Do you need to get caught up with muck and mire!

Tread carefully. I know we need affection, attention and caring from opposite sex, naturally, but I speak out of Christ's love that you don't get hurt and go easy and cautiously!

In Christ's Name!
<><

I'm taking it slow with a wonderful woman as it is. She's been there for me since October, and she's been thru the same mess I've been thru. It's almost a perfect match. If nothing else, I'd like to just catch up with the XGF in a group setting and nothing more. I think it would be good for both of us to maybe say some things we have been waiting to say for years. I came dang close to marrying this woman (2.5 year R), so it wasn't just a fling.

NK-

Sounds as though you have a good balance and outlook on things! I think a group setting would be healthy and perhpas in that setting you both can reach out to one another to mend fences to at least establish an amicable acquaintance betwen the 2 of you!

IN Christ's Name!
<><

According to the quote at the end of your first post, it is time to think! This is deep...

First off, don't just "re-act" because X-GF happens to be there right now, based on what you feel or don't feel about her, based on hers and your circumstances matching ,etc. Re-acting is not the way to handle life. Rather, a man of character (integrity) ACTS based on solid principles.

Merely re-acting can make your life like a soap opera and their lives are a mess!! You don't want that. The fact you are tempted to react, tells me you need to spend more time acquiring principles to make wise decisions. Don't let anyone distract you from this time to become a healthy, whole person with strong principles and vision and direction for your life. You don't get that by talking to x-GF. You get what you need by relating to your Creator who loves you and has an awesome plan for your life.

I don't know your history with x-W, but in many cases, people just react to "I don't love you" with hurt and "ok, I don't love you either." They take no action to restore love, to find the needs that aren't being met, etc. Then affairs happen, and the victim reacts again. The spouses never stop to think of the principles that might end affairs and rebuild their love and marriage into something deeper than it ever was.

My point is, divorce is merely legal paperwork that shows an end to an unhealthy past and lots of bad actions and bad reactions. But divorce is not necessarily God's end. In fact, if x-W is not remarried yet, there is still a chance for God to work in her heart and yours. It is not an easy road to rebuilding after a bad past. But the man of true character does not take a road in life just for current ease, but because it is right (based on principle)and the result more rewarding (long-term) in life.

Two principles:
(1) The divorce was the end of an unhealthy, sinful past, but it is not necessarily the end of all God could do to restore your life, hers, and the relationship. God calls the unfaithful to faithfulness, love, etc.
(2) You are at MB, so you must know some tools or principles to rebuild a relationship.

Have you tried to ACT on these principles (1 & 2) or are you only living a life that reacts to what or who is around you at the time.

Like your quote says, I agree, now is the time to think. Now is the time to find God. He's good at making beauty from ashes, making something out of nothing, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 26, 2002, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

By the way, x-Gf is there for you as divorce support, but that doesn't necessary mean she is good for marriage.

If you need principles for dating/marriage, I recommend www.famtoday.com, book Marriage on the Rock and tape set Return to Intimacy. There are many resources to study the principles of a good marriage based on God's design. It's a good idea to know God's plan for marriage before we try to do it.

NO!!! NO!!!!!

go out and meet new people and assess new people first. . . tell the XGF that you will go out with her sometime in the future, but right now, you don't want any ties and you want to explore the world of bachelorhood again. ...

sounds like you need some relationship experience first to udnerstand what kind of woman would make you happy, and to find a happy woman that is content with herself. . ..

NO GF's, they are like XW's, you just don't go back unless they have changed and you are satisfied that you have given your search everything and have not come up with any better. . .

wiftty

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

OK, I need to clear something up. I'm NOT meeting her to rekindle a relationship. I'm dating a wonderful lady now and am very happy with her b/c after 3 months of dating, she appears to be everything my XW wasn't. I'm not going to list the things I like about her b/c it would fill up the page <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We're taking the R very slow and are getting to know each other very well. I plan to meet up with the XGF just to catch up and have a social time. I probably won't bring the current GF b/c that would be a bit awkward, but she'll know that I'm going to see the XGF. No way would I get back together with the XGF. She hurt me way too bad and was basically a beeyatchy little girl the whole time we dated. Fought constantly.

Let's see. Divorce is final. Old gf heard it through the grapevine. She was not happy when she had you and wants to see if there is anything worth rekindling. You are dating someone who is everything your wife was not.

And you want advice.

And you got it and you are thinking about seeing her anyway though you were the one who dumped her.

What did you want to know to start with?

I second Cinderella's post.

Also, you say your new lady is "everything" your x-W wasn't. Most likely that is what you want her to be, not who she really is. Be careful.

It still appears to me that you are drifting from one relationship to the next, trying to improve on the last, but lacking solid objective principles for choosing a mate.

I think this lady is too soon after your divorce.
Take the time to be alone first. Develop intimacy with God first & He will lead you to the right relationships for your life.

Your standard for choosing a mate should not be merely "getting better than x-GF and x-w". I strongly encourage you to begin reading some good Christian books on marriage, including God's Word. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 28, 2002, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

nasakid,

You might have been more of the problem in your relationships that you care to admit. Given that you have a good relationship that makes you 'happy', why even chance messing it up with a meeting that can do absolutely NO GOOD for anyone. I think that you are not as 'happy' as you would like to think.

I also wonder with how much you defend your choice to see someone else, whether this feeling or sense of commitment was felt within your previous relationships. I can tell you that no matter how slowly I was taking a relationship, unless you were very non-exclusive, and after 3 months, I would assume that you are exclusive. I can tell you that if my girlfriend, which is what you are calling her, decided to see 'an old flame', that it would signal to me, that the relationship was not what I wanted it to be. That if you were seeking those things, that the relationship you have, no matter how slowly evolving, was not something that was safe for me.

You say that she hurt you terribly. You say that she didn't want you until you were gone. You say that you ARE NOT DOING IT TO REKINDLE A RELATIONSHIP. Then why do it? What possible good could come of it. Are you trying to prove to your ex that there are women out there who desire you? Are you trying to prove that to yourself? Do you think that this is an opportunity to see someone that shows interest in you, and then turn them down for your own ego? Is this a case that you feel you can 'safely' go to, since you would 'never' go back to this woman because of how she hurt you, but you just want to 'feel wanted'?

I mean, what are you thinking????

Most people that have been hurt by someone RUN THE OTHER WAY. But here you are activly planning a 'meeting' with someone that you previously were hurt by. All during a relationship with someone that you enjoy, and for the moment, seems to enjoy you.

Man, I hate to sound harsh, but get a grip nasakid. I love you man, but if I was your friend, I would take you outside and knock some sense into you. You sound like maybe you are afraid of committing to this woman you are with, so you are looking for other 'safe' people to be with without being with them. Maybe your problem is that you are not ready to be with the woman you ARE WITH. And that is OK. But it is NOT OK, to be doing what you are doing, in my opinion. At least not for the reasons that it seems like to me you are explaining.

I hope that you can take my criticism for what I mean it as. That my opinion is that you are not thinking any more clearly than a WS. I am not after you, but rather your current line of thinking.

Just really look at what you are doing and what you are saying. It sounds like classic fog. This type of thing is only a beginning. Just like the excuses our WSs used to rationalize their bahavior. I know that you are not 'cheating' and that you would tell her. But why do it???? Why do it???? That is the question that you should search out before you do anything. Maybe it is what you need to do for yourself. If that is the case then go for it. But make sure that you are being honest with yourself first.

renae...you really give some good advise....you sound like a professional councelor!

Question: if you are having such a great time with this new lady in your life, why do you want to risk screwing things up by bringing some meddling ex into the picture? Do you really think your new lady would appriciate that? My STBXH kept his old g-friend around while we were dating under the guise of "his best friend." I did my best to tolerate it, but it really poisoned a lot of things. And the ex was taking every manipulative turn to ensure we had nothing more than a very unhealthy relationship. Of course, he didn't see that...I think really, he liked having as many women around as possible that he knew desired him, despite the toll it took on all involved parties.
--I think you are feeling rejected, and doing the same, and I am sorry to sound so tactless, but it is very selfish. Of course we all want to feel desirable. And having more than one person of the opp. sex being attracted to us and persuing us in the slightest way is quite the ego boost. But if care about this woman you are with at all (which I question whether she is merely a rebound person) then you will not risk her emotions and thie relationship you share by inviting your ex girlfriend back into your life.

If you seriously feel a need to say things to her-unfinished buisness and all-- do so in a letter that you never send. Be the big man here- why dredge up what's already buried in the past unlesss you want to relive it?

Good luck to you.

<small>[ February 03, 2003, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: Sauron ]</small>

Thanks for the advice guys. You really are underestimating me. You probably are not familiar with my story about the XW, but I do realize my role in her leaving. BUT, I wasn't the one that walked out, quit going to church, cheated and refused to work on the marriage. If you think I've forgotten about God thru all this, you're mistaken. He's the only one that was there with me those nights when I thought my life was over. I've also learned a lot about relationships and marriage, and continue to study and learn. Still, I refuse to take the blame for my XW leaving. She made that choice, and she left a great man. The current G/F is wonderful, and if things continue the way they are for the last 3 months, we'll be the happiest couple ever.

Don't get so touchy. We didn't say anything about the demise of the marriage. We meant to be making comments about the wisdom of seeing this woman who may not have let you go and who wasn't happy when she had you but has contacted you again...and, despite saying you're glad you didn't end up with her, you wanted our advice on seeing this woman. Sheesh!

If your x-w left a good man, and Harley says affairs rarely last, might she not come to her senses? Are you allowing any time for healing and forgiveness to even consider that possibility? I fear you have rushed into and are so clouded by the new relationship to even consider that God could restore things for you and x. Yes, she's in a fog, has sinned against you... but do you love her soul enough to believe in faith and pray for her and marriage restoration? Certainly there is no guarantee it will happen, but is it not the right thing to wait and pray for it? IT is a picture of Christ's love for us, and isn't that our standard of love? She has weakened to temptation....this is the soul that needs a good man who will love her inspite of it and forgive, and receive her back when the fog lifts. I know it's hard. But the way of the cross was hard too....but Jesus took that risk that you might not love him too.'
Nasakid, the possibility that she will not return to love with you is there... but I guess I hope that for her, that she will return to the good man she left because she's in a terrible fog with no hope now.

See, the past is no hinderance to God restoring and creating a new future for you and x-w. Marriage is a covenant with a bonding strength that few of us realize. See, God is in marital covenant giving it that strength, even the strength to be restored inspite of much adversity, cheating, abuse or whatever. He will call out to W and to you... just as He did in Malachi--calling us back to faithfulness after our adultery, abuses, etc. You and w probably can't see the hope right now, but in God it could be possible.

See, Nasakid, you can ask some folks around here who know my history, & it is absolutely impossible to imagine my H and I would ever become a couple. H is a controller/abuser, and even if he does go back to counseling, there isn't alot of hope for these types. But God planted a love for H's soul in me...that far exceeds H's sin against me. I am sad to think H will never know a healthy marriage because he's so terribly distorted. God wants him to have a wife who loves him like that. God wants your x-w to have the husband who has a restoring deep love like that for her too!

My H had quit counseling, put his head down on the table in front of me one day crying, saying he can't change...and he filed for divorce (which is not yet done). God released me from 16 yrs of pain, but this does not mean God is done with H, and that possibly God has more in store. The life of faith and deep love is risky and tough. But it is the only thing God is pleased with!! It doesn't take much love to deal with the lady who is parading in front of you now, meeting all the needs of your wounded soul, bubbling with 3-month infatuation, faults still in hiding, etc...

Please take time to heal, forgive x-W, and keep the faith in God for whatever HE has planned! Remember my/your life is not my/your own--we were bought with a price... therefore we live not merely to get our needs met, instant gratification, but to the glory of God...and that requires sometimes waiting on him, listening to him, obeying His word, etc....and in return there will be blessing.

I pray God restores x-w back to a good man and the marriage covenant!! In HIM, nothing is impossible, but He requires our faith.

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

Renae,

Thank you for the kind words. I truly believe that I am better off without the XW. Our marriage was horrible, and she married me without even having her heart into it. That's why it was so bad. I know there is a better life out there for me with someone else. Even if she wanted to come back, I would not take her. I still love her and always will, but I don't feel the same way about her anymore. That chapter of my life is over, and I have an opportunity to start a new, better life.

I look at this a different way than you. I see God's guiding hand pulling me away from the life with the XW, and THAT is the path he has chosen for me. It was a learning experience for me, and one that will only make my next marriage wonderful.

Thank you for considering the position I have described. If you see any "theological holes" in it, tell me. I have just come to believe very strongly that our human view is so limited and God's is so large... I'm eager to participate with Him in restoration....and that applies all the way into my little life!

However HE chooses to renew your life after a painful past, it will be wonderful. Keep listening to Him and FOLLOW! (((Nasakid)))