BS- has been off and on in contact with w/ OW via eamils. OW is co-worker, soemone whom no matter where my life is I will NEVER partake in any other relatiosnhip with other than professional (Our positions do not require any involvement), so there will be minial if any contact the rest of my days.

I shared the truth with W at end of 10/02 re: PA (it was PA because I kissed and pulled clothing off of OW, touching much of her female anatomy, at one point I experienced an unpleasant odor...I stopped immediately, for several reasons, but mostly knowing how fresh and clean my W is I was turned-off! I ended it right there and then. I did tell OW it was because I AM in love with W, alhtough, I couldn't share with her that she has a female problem at that time (11/01)...back in 10/02 I told W what I experienced with OW, W emailed her and shared with OW what I said re: "smelly crotch". OW confronted me about my comment and I didn't deny it! OW still couldn't believe where my W would get such an idea...WAKE UP! I SAID IT! OW, as recently as last week has said she wants to continue our friendship...I haven't nor will I respond, as I will NOT be friends never, ever!

W saw emails ow and I exchanged prior to and during the secrecy (10/01). I shared this w/ W as I "finally" NEEDED to be honest. Too late or NOT...I shared in complete honesty and truth (something I have lived without much of my life). Walking in Christ's truth is MY only WAY, although I may offend others, I will speak to others out of love of Christ!

W, sent email X-mas night to OW, who is out of office all week...I'm sure I will hear from OW upon her return.

I understand W must work through her emotions about what took place between OW and I, although this PA occurred during 11/01...and her suspicions were pretty accurate, she had no confirmation until I spoke to her in truth. I finally came clean during end of 10/02! As result it's ALL fresh to her again and has caused her to email OW.
I said to W yesterday, that I have established the needed boundaries between OW and I and everytime she emails OW, it will come back on ME! Godd, You might say! All good and well, but everytime I have to hear from OW, I have to re-establish boundaries! I suppose this is my test of walking in the spirit of Christ and not the flesh!! Rst assured I will PASS my TEST! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This may be W's way to revenge me, I don't know!?

As of this morning, W emailed OW, and cc'd me that she was wrong to contact OW and that it won't happen again. I have not asked W to consider her emails to OW because I have something to cover up, rather, it's because I desire the boundaries to remain in tact betwee OW and I without any outside influence, to include W.

This is the quandry...Do I have a right to ask W to stop emails? AS I have implored her to do. She(W) could also put herself in jeopardy with her military job for harrassing OW with emails, and I don't want to see that happen as she is 2 yrs. away from retirement. Should I just suck it up and allow W to work through her feelings via emails to OW, and handle OW approaching me!?

I can't imagine this is a healthy way for W to handle it?!

Any thoughts or suggestions!?

In Christ's Name
><><><,Christian Ghourami's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ December 27, 2002, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: catch22222 ]</small>

If you want your marriage, you NEED to do a few things.

1 - GET A NEW JOB away from ow! Doesn't matter if you see each other very little or not. As long as you are in the same company, you will continue to think about her (what if she's in the lunchroom, what if I walk around the corner & she is there, etc.)

2 - QUIT HAVING ANY CONTACT WITH OW! Don't read any emails from her. Don't take any phone calls or listen to any messages! Don't read any letters! NOTHING!

As result it's ALL fresh to her again and has caused her to email OW.
The timeline for people is different. Your affair happened a year ago but your wife is now just catching up, so it will take time (like another year) to get to where you are.

I have not asked W to consider her emails to OW because I have something to cover up, rather, it's because I desire the boundaries to remain in tact betwee OW and I without any outside influence, to include W.
You cannot stop her emails anymore than she could stop you from having an affair. Tell her you don't want to have any emails forwarded to you from ow or emails from your wife to ow.

I have established the needed boundaries between OW and I and everytime she emails OW, it will come back on ME!
Does the ow contact you about this? How does it "come back" on you? (See #2 above)

Chris-

Thanks for responding!

Chris-

Thanks for responding!

I have my resume out and actively seeking employment...outside of present military career! I AM willing to do anything to recover my M! I have several friends (contacts) who have pushed resume up (not too far removed from their positions as they are in mid to upper level mgmt). I am being selective somewhat, as I don't wish to hurry into something that I won't LOVE! I'd rather enjoy my career than to be compensated! Positions I'm seeking start very WELL!

I am presently working on Masters in career field that will be very rewarding...resume at the door of field of interest! I'm pursuing this change in my life for me as much as for W.

That said, when W first emailed OW regarding my comment...OW confronted me about it. I told her I said "her womanhood didn't smell appropriate"..She was pissed! Oh well!

Now that W has sent another email, I am waiting for OW to come back to office and confront me on this one! I already have in mind what to say: "OW, I am dealing with anger and rage from my W, as I should. You have to deal with her on your own terms. I'm sorry but that is how it is, as I can't own what portion of this mess YOU own!"

OW- emailed me after our talk last week, and still didn't understand where W came up with MY comment! DUH! She's not very bright! OW- asked if we could still be friends in email, I haven't nor will I respond!

My W, wants NC with me, for how long, I don't know? But I'm willing to do whatever I must, just for the simple fact that I love her dearly! I also, crossed the line with W in that I called the man she was seeing so to hurry the dv along. She said she wanted dv (unequivocally), being that we're both military, I receive less pay due to her higher rank. As a result I was looking out for my best interest and well fare! This dv It's not what I desire, but wanted OM to discuss it with her. He was amicable and such and I didn't think anything of it. Within an hour my W called me and said she would get dv going ASAP, also that OM didn't want to be involved in her life as it was too "complicated" (chuckle, not out of sarcasm, but you have to know my W)!
I blew that one big time!

Anyway, I'm working on getting out of here with great desire!

Thanks for your response!

In Christ's Name!
<><

Catch22222,
Keep hanging in there.
When OW confronts you, keep on saying basically what you have. All of our bills come due-right?
But you could tell OW that no e-mails will be answered and friendship is out of the question.
Give your wife the patience and time she needs.
She is dealing with grief and we all need to work these things out in our own way and time. She probably needs to let OW know that she does have power. I don't know, but hang tough for her now!

You guys can call me "catch" for short...i would have used an infinite # of 2's (too portray the perpetual catch 22 I was in!) but then I wouldn't be writing to you right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...

ezra,

I will always be here, there and everywhere for my W. I owe it to the Lord and her! My days are filled with prayer, scripture, either working or constructing papers for 2 challenging Masters courses I'm taking this winter. As well as, spending time in group sessions, with accountability partners, Last but not least of which time with part of my family (2 boys)!

OW has absolutely NO POWER over me! I have established boundaries and will not retreat from them! I have made that committment to GOD and myself. Given the fact that I have lacked boundaries in the past...I thought this would be a great test! So far I have an A+ grade... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement.

In Christ's Name, ALONE!
<><

Hi catch...I have to agree with chris...no contact is absolutely non-negotiable...not only for you but for your Wife....I can remember when I was trying to work things out with H...there were three things I asked him to do to give me hope and these were non-negotiable....1. change jobs immediately...not next week when the right one came along but absolutely as soon as possible (this in my opinion is so critical...in my case, the OW worked directly for my H and continues to this day to work directly for my H) 2. asked him to stop all contact...cell phone calls, email, fantasy football and the internet together, played games on the internet together, chatted..all the sick stuff you can do if you want too...3. Either phone her in front of me or write a letter that I know would get mailed telling her that it was over....Needless to say, none of these things occurred...I just wasnt worth the effort and after over a year of him being at home continuing their A in my face...I said enough is enough and filed for divorce in Dec. of 2001. He had moved out in Oct of the same year.....supposibly to as he said "find his way back home" well what it really did was allow their affair to continue without having to be accountable to me for any of his time...if he wasnt coming home then I didnt know what he was doing any of the time...so now here I am.....but why I shared this with you....when you betray the person who has trusted you with thier life, thier feelings, thier love and you betray that trust...I cant tell you how awful that feels what an absolutely devastating experience it can be....what you say and what you do are two different things....actions speak louder than words....if for whatever reason you cant just walk away from your job right now....please, please reassure your wife as best you can that she does mean more to you than your job and your continuing education and all that.....somehow someway, find a way to do that...let her know she is worth it....we will pray you find a job as soon as possible that you can move too that will separate you completely from OW.

Thanks f4u-

You have no idea how impactual it is to see another BS share what my EA's/PA's did and continues to do to my W's level of trust!

W has a NC clause right now! So, I'm not sure how I can account for my time, actions, words of committment to her above anything in this world!? Need help in this area.

I have 2 interviews next week and am willing and able to move ASAP!

Although I feel she's experienced the last straw...I WILL do whatever it takes to recover OUR M! I'm not in denial of her feelings of mistrust and anger/hatred toward me right now! Sad part is I believe she's more angry over the fact that I called her male friend more than the demise of our M, which tells me that IT is a foregone conclusion that I MUST move on! I'm prepared and ready for that as well!

In Christ's Name!
<><