I

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

my ex slapped me about 3 times in 18 years and tried but missed a couple of other times. I have come to the conclusion that grown ups are not allowed to hit each other under any circumstance.

Please share with us how your h breaking your arm was your fault. I just can't imagine. And before you think I'm taking the moral high road here, understand that I, too, take full blame for the first time my x hit me. I really, really pushed him but I still think he shouldn't have and hitting is one of those things that is a 'point of no return.'

I

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Stronger,

It is NEVER your fault when your H abused you. You are an independent woman capable of making your own decisions. When someone hits someone because they did not do as they were told, the abuser is the one with the problem It is HIS fault you were hit, because he made the decision to HIT you. Hitting is a way to control. Trying to control another is abuse, hitting is abuse. You do not have to do as he tells you because he wants you too.

You need to stay away from him. I know you said you are seeing a therapist, does this one specialize in abused women. Please, tell yourself, it is not my fault he hit me, it is not my fault he broke my arm. He does not own me and cannot control me.

If my H ever laid a hand on me, he knows exactly where he would be. He threatened one time and only one time. I told him to go ahead, and I hope he likes county orange, because that is where he will be.

One more thing - also told him to never threaten me again.

W

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:45 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Hi Stronger,

Your kids need to go to counseling too. This was traumatic for them to see.

I'm glad to hear that the last time he last touched you was in March. Is it because he has changed or because you have tried doing things more his way so he would not hurt you?

Has he shown remorse or regret about the A or the abuse?

Does he take responsibility for his behavior? The A may have been more traumatic for you, but the abuse was more traumatic for the kids. They did not see the A, they did see the abuse.

Take care and please, he if reverts, take the kids and go to a shelter. Press charges. Abuse is inexcusable.

D

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

stronger,

My WH never hit me, but we had one night the first year we were married when it got close. I always panicked when WH would get up in the night and close the bedroom door. We were arguing and he knew closing the door would provoke me. As he pulled the door closed I put my hand out to grab it and it slammed on my hand. When he opened the door I slapped him across the face and he grabbed me and forced me on the bed and was on top of me. He spit in my face then walked away. I should have left well enough alone, but I followed him and we argued. He went into the bathroom and I kept arguing and he spit in my face again.

I don't know what ended that night, but that was as volitile as we've ever gotten. I think it scared us both!

Throughout our first year of marriage he was very conniving and manipulative. Whenever we'd argue about the women in his life he would try to turn the tables. He knew what words to say to me to get me to back down. I would end up shaking and afraid just by his words.

I finally found a web site that said by allowing him to continue with the verbal abuse then I was betraying myself. So one night when we were getting along I told him I thought he was verbally abusing me and I needed it to stop. He agreed that "he's a dirty fighter" (his words). It only happened once since then but we were able to talk about it immediately.

I hope you find a counselor to work through what happened. You are making an excuse for him by saying you provoked him so it's your fault. He should be able to control his anger.

Peace!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I

<small>[ March 21, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Did you read the book? How was it? I'd heard good things about that book.

Good luck to you!

stronger and free,

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a great book - Patricia Evans, the author has a website, too. It's not just about subtle verbal abuse. My H was anything but subtle and there's a chapter in the book called, The Anger Addict, I think, that describes him perfectly.

The book also goes into the dynamics that create and sustain abusive relationships, both for the abuser and the abused. I would recommend reading it. Even though I have only minimal contact with my H through his lawyer, I just reread the book because I too sink back easily into the "it was all my fault" mode, which is typical of people who've been abused.

I have a 3 year restraining order against my H and he's up on charges, though I think all are being dropped except for at least one count of violating a restraining order. So, don't count on restraining orders or the courts, but do read the book.

The best person to take care of you and protect you from abuse is YOU and you need help to do this if you've been abused. Find a therapist to help you first. IMHO, the relationship is second. If you aren't emotionally healthy yourself, you won't be able to sustain a healthy relationship anyway.

Hi Stronger,

I'm glad that you are in counseling for the abuse you were subjected to. I am also glad to hear that you no longer accept that you were responsible for the abuse and that he is.

I understand that they say your children do not need counseling, please watch your older children, as they have been affected by this. Your two year old, may not remember, on a conscious level, but the brain is like a sponge, obsorbing everything in our environment. There are events that happen in our lives and we don't recall the event, but they contribute to our personalities. I am a nursing student. One thing that stood out we were taught with children, is their personality that is influenced by outside factors is formed by the age of 5.

And traumatic events, might stick with a child. My earliest memory is at the age of 3. I know the age, because my mom told me how old I was. I told her about the memory. It was around surgery I had, I was in the hospital, and I see my mom and dad walking towards me. I was in a metal crib. That is all I remember, beside the clown mirror I received while in the hospital. (gift from the church we attended).

So, watch your children and take appropriate action immediately if needed. Hopefully the changes in the home will be enough of an impact to help your children.

D

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:46 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

The VAR book is excellent. I stumbled onto it whils Christmas shopping, my psychologist had recommended it but didnt have time to look for it. I cant believe how much of my past 26 years were written in that book!

My H is primarily verbally abusive, but under the influence, the inhibitions are gone and he becomes physically abusive. He has still been verbally abusive when I have seen him since he moved out but I am trying to limit contact as he still manipulates and upsets me.

Book points out that this type of personality NEEDS to have that abusive outlet and counselor said since he's not abusing me, he will someone else. I know he is VA abusing his mother now and suspect that he has become physically violent with OW.

It is definately NOT your fault. Read the book again and dont ever blame yourself for the abuse. Stand up for yourself, That is what he wants, to have you under control with a low self esteem.

Dawn

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Yes, there was physical and LOTS of verbal abuse, for the 11 years i was with my ex. He shoved me around several times, and hit me a couple times. He was a REAL loser, very bad temper. Verbal abuse was a daily thing with him. What a CREEP!!
I am so glad I am done with him, and don't have to put up with that anymore.

No,

There was never any physical violence. Actually, even our verbal fights weren't that bad. Usually, she would just end up saying, "You are right, you are always right." and then not talk again. The problem is, we really neer learned how to make up and resolve the issue. We just gave ourselves time, and then usually acted like nothing happened.

I would try to apologize when I felt like I was to blame or even when I didn't feel that way. Just so we could get our lives back on track. I bet she didn't apologize first more than 5 times out entire marriage. She would say, "Me too" when I approached her, but essentially "never" took the initiative to settle a problem.

Also, I can tell you, and this is the truth, in 14 years together, we never had "makeup sex". hahaha Kind of funny, now that I have been reading so much and find out how 'wonderful' it is. hahaha

But I never even considered striking or pushing her. I don't know whether she ever felt the same, but she never did it.

I almost wish she had, because maybe that would have signaled to me that more was going on with her, than the momentary anger. But not really.