About 2 months ago I found out that my husband was having an affair with another women from out of state, someone he was seeing on occasion do to business. At first when a friend helped me confront him he fell to his knees and confessed and asked God to fogive him. He did end the relationship via the phone that night but a few days later he started it up again, through counceling he ended it one more time, and that too only lasted a few days. A week ago he moved out for the 3rd and final time and is now living with family. He is planning to file for divorce any time now and my heart is just sick! We have 4 children Ages 10 and under and I have always been at home and even homeschool all of them! I am scared to death I feel anger, disbelief, hatred and so many other emotions I can even begin to state. I was raped 20 years ago and it feels as if my husband of 14 years has done the same thing to me all over again, emotionally! Yesterday he called me out of the blue to talk...I was again hopeful, why I don't know, but then he proceeded to accuse me of just about everthing from keeping him from the children (untrue I even had him over for 1/2 the day on Christmas) and have allowed him to take them to dinner, etc. How is it you think a person you know so well can turn and become someone you have no idea who you are speaking to. In one instance I can't wait for the divorce to be filed, finally it is happening, in the other I am scared to death to think how I will feel being served. I have told him over and over again that I am willing to forgive and work this through, for the very least for the children. How can he say he loves the kids yet continue to see them and break their hearts over and over again??? How can he believe he has "unconditional" love from this slut living 4 states away who isn't even divorced yet herself and has 2 other childre? How can he think this is anything but LUST?? Part of me believes that getting away from him is what I need, I deserve so much more and that God will provide the "right" person for our lives to fill the missing hole. God is doing that for now, I feel that and talk to the kids about it constantly. The older two know what their father is doing and that he is pretending to be married to another women and they know what the Bible says about this...is there any hope???????????

H

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I would get advice asap from Harley's. I did once but then after H went so far that I knew B was only way out.

You may need a quick B to rectify things. I like the way mom describes how to do it. Tell him because you want to save what love is STILL there.

But you need to focus on you now. You can implement the part of A where you work on yourself. This is good. Take the total focus off this situaiton. Place it on you and the kids now. Pray but take off focus of H and his A. I was blamed for the same thing. And yes, my H had an affair for a year and a half with a woman and he in the end labeled me as crazy. They love to do that as it HELPS ABSOLVE THEIR GUILT AND SIN. If they can label you nutso, it justifies in their minds their actions ok? Think on their level. Learn how to play their game. Contact Orchid on Gen Questions to find about reverse babble for when you do have limited contact. Mirror their own words. Fog them back. It will keep you from seeming the clingy nutso wife. And will make them wonder. Whenever I have done this, it makes stbxh the nutso one. Now I am in a firm B and have little contact but am going to do it again, almost forgot about it totally and am forgetting alot about the whole situation with time really, but it works like this.

He calls you answer. He says something and you answer back with a positive mental attitude and happy. You don't seem sad at all. My old conversations (most less than five minutes with stbx would go something like this..) "Hey wife..How are you? "I'm doing great. Couldn't be better." I am glad wife that you are doing better and getting over this. Maybe we can be friends or something in the future."
"Absolutely husband. I agree with you. Understand totally how you feel. Friendship is always a good thing. You can never have enough friends." "Wife, I want to after this divorce to be able to do things with you socially and maybe even go out with you. As friends of course." "Sure that's great. But my time is kinda limited. I mean you get your son every other weekend and when you have son you don't do much else so you can spend time with him. That would only leave you with two weekends a month to go out. I am absolutely all into starting over and friendship but that might make too much little time for ME TO FIND OUT MY NEW PATHS? After all our divorce is what it is right?"

Then H pauses and sounds dumbstruck. You say again "I really understand and feel what you are saying, but it is what it is."

Then go on and say this, "I'd love to sit here all day but I am going to mall, hair done, gym, whatever as long as you say an activity that is bettering yourself, and am running behind. Gotta do this stuff for me now." "Have a wonderful day Husband." click.

This may work well. You fog him right back. When presented with their own fog they panic. Could it be that you are doing the same thing/ Could it be that you like freedom? Could it be that you are moving on? Keep them, the WS off balance. Also know that these OW and OM out there are playing a game. They want to see how they can get our spouses to leave for good. Visit the sites I mention to find out their mindset. Understand their ways. Before going into battle, an army always sends spies out to survey the terrain and the enemy. You have to before going into battle. If you know they will try to make you look unstable, the present yourself as stable as possible with emotions in check. IF he is going to play mind games with you knowing that you get easily hurt when he mentions "not knowing what to do or the Ow" then you present a self where you are assured and are only unsure about what you want to do. But use the MB principles when doing so.

I did this earlier this fall and got amazing resuls. Stbx came over one night about four months ago and was all confused. On one hand, even after a vicious divorce going on, he wanted to see if one day we could reconcile and then wanted to get me me back. He was too foggy then. But after two weeks of my doing this talk he proclaimed that we were so very good friends and how amazed he was that I "UNDERSTOOD HIM". This is powerful stuff, the reverse babble to the foggy ones. Use it carefully. It may send him back if he is on the edge. But apply MB principles along with it. Then after I saw that he had not changed enough and was still far too foggy, I went back into a strict plan B and that is where I have stayed. I will do so throughout this divorce. And may stay this way forever. I don't know.

Am praying for you. B is not in sometimes to preserve love, it is also to preserve sanity of the BS. Remember that.

I

<small>[ March 20, 2003, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

I guess I just don't completely understand the fog aspect. I am trying to formulate a plan B but seem to get confused when we have another conversation and he treats me civily. But then again I just found out he is flying out to see her for New Years again, more money spent on her!When you say no contact how can you do that when he hasn't yet filed and there is still so much up in the air, like the bills to pay, money he needs to give me, the visitation schedule, etc??

Well I just wanted to say that I was once on this same forum asking the same question you are. Fortunately my H of 16 yrs finally saw the 'light' after he filed for D on me. Before he filed we were seperated for a few months and he would come see the kids but blame me for anything and everything as a justification for continuing in his affair with the single woman he met from work. Believe me your H is still living in a fantasy world big time- coming to see the kids whenever he wants, not having the strict financial rules yet or having to deal with the kids during times he is seeing OW.I know exactly what you mean when you say he is like a stranger to you right now- my H was exactly like that too!@ About 1 out of every 10 divorce filings end up being cancelled. Hopefully yours will be one of them too. Take care- lifeismessy