Hello, <P>I have a situation for which some of you can give me your opinion possibly.<P>You can refer here for a brief summary:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001231.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/001231.html</A> <P>The current (and a long standing issue with my wife) situation is I want to talk with my wife about the child support her ex-husband pays.<P>They have been divorced 11 years. Their son (my stepson) is 14. ExH has paid $450 per month this entire time. No attempt by my wife to have him pay more during any time. ExH also pays about $1000/month to another son he has (child support), and that child is 6. That son's mother regularly has the court evaluate income, etc. to pay the fair amount. My wife doesn't want anything that is problematic to ever come up that may enable feelings to sway where "our" son may live. In the meantime, my feelings are that ExH is not paying his fair share. In his household he has two stepchildren, and (his wife)gets the court-managed fair share. ExH and his wife make about double what me and my wife make ($150,000 vs $70,000 gross per year). The fact that wife thinks nothing is unfair gets to me. What do you think?<BR>Thanks.<BR>

Tony—<P>Well, on the upside, you wouldn’t rather W envy ex-H’s current situation, would you? I would think that might set you up for all sorts of other negative emotions. <P>I understand your W’s feelings about not wanting to “rock the boat,” and I understand what you’re saying too. A father legally should support his children according to the applicable guidelines, and if his income has risen substantially the support should be greater. It’s the law.<P>Discuss this calmly with your W. Both your feelings are equally important. Be sure to listen to your W’s viewpoint. Address each of her concerns. Maybe she fears manipulations on her ex-H’s part should the support go higher. Brainstorm all sorts of ideas: not doing anything differently and how it affects everyone; taking ex-H back to court to raise the support; your W talking to ex-H about a compromised and agreed upon amount to present to the court.<P>The POJA will be of major benefit to you right now. (Policy of Joint Agreement—Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your partner.) In this case, since action would need to be taken to raise the child support, do NOT do anything unless and until your W agrees.<P>I’ll be interested to hear more of your thoughts.<P>Laura <BR>

Well I certainly understand where both of you are coming from. I'm in my second marriage and I receive child support for my 2 kids. My husband pays child support for his 2. My ex has lived with his girlfriend for about 4 yrs. now and part of the reason they DON'T get married is because it would affect how much she receives from her ex. I've never asked for more out of my ex and I don't ask for his share of glasses/co-pays etc...By the time my husband pays out his support my ex does have more then we do. My husband also pays his ex 3 times the amt. that I receive and it's about 500-700 more per. month then he'd have to pay if he fought it and took her to court. He's still paying 800 per month for daycare bills and they are in school most of the time!! At first I know he had problems with me not going after my ex for every penny and I had problems with him paying so much above and beyond to his ex. But you know what?? After awhile we decided so what. We are still able to live a reasonable life without going after my ex and at least we know that his ex has more then enough money to give his kids everything they need. Believe me, confronting an ex in regards to money just makes things bitter and causes so much headache. I also know that if my son (almost 13) told me he wanted to live with his dad I would be grief stricken! I understand your wife's fear. So, in my opinion, it's not about who makes more or has more as long as you are able to have a decent life.

Thanks for your replys Laura and BonnieSept...<P>My problem with this is about "fairness" more than anything I suppose. We have been in financial difficulty our entire two year marriage. We struggle greatly from paycheck to paycheck so far. We are doing our best and it looks as if it may be 3-4 years before our efforts get us back to financial stability. We both work.<P>The ExH and his wife both work and take multiple vacations, buy new vehicles with cash, buy anything they desire and generally have no financial worries. That is fine with me...good for them. I desire that for my family and we are doing our best right now to eventually get there too. I'm not jealous of their situation. It is the fairness relative to the child support that I have a problem with. It isn't a punishment for ExH to pay an amount determined fair by the court/society. It is his obligation. There is a systematic way to formulate the necessary monetary amount needed to provide for a child. <P>If ExH doesn't pay his fair share, where does the money come from then? It has to be provided. It comes from mine and my wife's income. I want to pay my share, which I do. What does ExH do with the $550 per month he shorts his son? He buys things for himself, vacations, invests, etc.? We have our basic needs met, with all our financial struggles and all, but it gnaws at me knowing ExH is more than able to provide fair child support and decides not to. He even takes out money that he thinks is justifiable sometimes. For example, $20/mo. for an internet account just for our son (accessible at ExH house only, no less; I have since gotten this ceased), to asking our son if ExH could take $100 out of $450/mo. to put in a separate private banking account for our son to have and use, with $350 remaining for child support per month. I wouldn't agree to that either. We told ExH if he wanted that for son, then go ahead with his own money (which he didn't). ExH and my wife, unfortunately, seem to think that the child support money is "extra" money. Like we found it on the sidewalk and it is to be considered somewhat frivolously. It is needed financial support for our son and our families shared school, clothing,housing, utility, food, insurance, medical, and many other bills.<P>During the previous 8 or so years before I met my wife, ExH paid the same lower than needed/requirede child support amount. At times, my unmarried, future wife (who had another child during this time) had to use food stamps and be on welfare. She had to do without things, such as food, clothing, vehicles, etc. for years. Her credit was ruined. All the while, her ExH, did not pay the correct amount for at least their son. It was not all his fault, but still he contributed to their struggle. ExH was more than able to pay his fair share this entire time.<P>ExH has his other child support payment taken directly from his paycheck ($1000) for his other son. He mails a check to us homself almost alway days or weeks late. We have to call to ask for it almost always.<P>Another thing, my wife seems to think that any gift that ExH or his parents give our son make up somehow for the diffence in child support (not significant things, but some clothes, etc.). I feel these are voluntary and are to be expected as it would be for any other family member.<P>Well, enough venting for now.<P>Thanks again.

Don't get me wrong I do understand where your coming from and if your wife agreed with you there would not be a problem. But the fact is, she doesn't want to go after it for what ever the reason(s). Probably more reasons then she tells you about. I'm sure fear of him wanting custody of her son if he's paying too much is a large issue for her and maybe she doesn't want the pain and hassel of going after him. I'm not saying she right either. The thing is Tony, the two of you can agree to disagree to keep this issue from hurting or destroying your marriage. Please try to undertand where the other is coming from even if things don't change. 2nd marriages when they involve step kids and support can be extremely difficult. I feel my husband and I have a fantastic marriage and it isn't because the two of us agree all of the time. It's because we work extremely hard at keeping our communication strong and agreeing to disagree at times. People do things and feel things for reasons and sometimes you need to understand them even if you don't agree. Your step son is 14 already. Before you know it child support will be done. I'm not shoving what you said under the carpet because I agree that if he can afford it he should be paying his full child support. Again, what I am telling you is that this might be an issue you can't change with your wife and it's not worth hurting your marriage. I know I'd give up every penny of my child support if I thought my ex would go after my kids to get out of paying support. Good luck and keep the communication going.

Bonnie--<P>I don't know what the laws are where you're located, but here in Kentucky child support is based on only the actual parents' salaries to come up with the percentage paid for the child(ren)'s total expenses. I didn't realize other places take spouses' earnings into consideration too. <P>Tony--<P>I receive child support from my ex for our two girls. It's not as much as he should be paying, I agreed to a reduction (so he'd actually PAY something instead of just debating it). He tries to manipulate the girls' interest in coming to live with him, and I know full well his main concern is not paying that support any more. Over my dead body, but he'd be in for a rude awakening if he actually thinks he'd be saving money.<P>For a year, we paid support to H's ex for my SS (and then another year of additional payments because H paid several times in cash, trusting her without receipts, huge mistake...no sense in telling him "I told ya so" now, tis done). We have since won primary custody of SS, and now receive support. Same situation of her trying to entice SS back to her house....lookie, a new puppy...aren't goldfish in your room great?...oh, well *I* wouldn't have made you write those spelling words over and over....nah, no chores to do here! It tries our patience sometimes but we just remember he really is better off spending the majority of time with us, grin and bear it.<P>Now back to your situation. I really do completely agree your W's ex should be paying what he is legally obligated TO pay. But you've gotta take your W's feelings into consideration. If she is unwilling to push it, it just becomes a big lovebuster to push HER. Know what I mean? The subject definitely deserves discussion, but go easy with it. And try not to resent her wishes. She wants what's best too, but is just going about it in a different way from her viewpoint. <P>Let us know what is ultimately decided, and how you came about the decision. Thanks and good luck!<P>Laura

Thanks again for your replies. What you say makes sense to me, especially that I should first and foremost listen to my wife's feelings. I do know how important that is for our marriage on all fronts. It is just difficult sometimes when things don't seem fair.<P>God bless.

Isn't THAT the truth! <P>Hang in there.<P>Laura

The exH should pay a far amount based on his income. And I also understand how your wife feels. Right now I am going through a court battle because my son's father has not made a payment since Feb.'00 and $270. a month is change when it comes to providing for a child. But because of this battle our son senses the anger between us(he is only 2 1/2yrs old) Ask her way she does not want him to pay more in child support. Listen to everything she says and think about it. Then come back and make sure that you heard her correctly. This will give you more insight then we ever could. Good Luck and Best wishes.

Tony, I was wondering if the ExH was not in the picture at all when u meet your wife, would u have married her at all? Would that have changed knowing she had a son?<P>Lin

Tony, <BR>I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are going through this. I did for a long time. In short here is my story and maybe it helps put things into perspective.<P>I've been divorced apprx. 12 yrs. since our "TWINS" were 2 1/2. Now they are 14. My exH has a great wonderful job, and a second exW. He pays ONLY $520/mo. for BOTH children, and pays a much larger amt of child support to his second wife for just ONE child. I have always resented this and know he can SHOULD pay me more, he also doesn't pay 1/2 of the medical bills or deductibles, etc. <P>When my husband of 8 yrs and I married he suggested I take my ex to court for more $$ (which I would love to), but I explained to him how much I hated going to court every month, wait for $$ that was late or never came, and only have aggravation with my Ex. Our newley found happiness was worth more to us then a few (a lot)more $$. It was certainly UNFAIR, to me the twins, etc. especially because his 2nd Ex was getting more for one child then I was getting for TWO not to mention ALIMONY which I don't get.<P>I told my H, I prefered PEACE and Quiet and TRUST and knowing I would at least get $520 than nothing at all. We both decided that was best for us. (We both work hard, have bills, etc. like everyone else. BUT we realize that if they were OUR children we would give them everything we could/would w/o anyones help. We don't owe him anything, what he pays is peanuts in comparison to our childrens needs, but we simply DON'T care anymore. We are HAPPY as a FAMILY, my ex doesn't have that w/ the children. <P>As you know 14 yr olds have a calendar all their own. My H and I and the children live like a REAL family. Noone is a "step-child" nor step-dad. IT could be because my H met them when they were 4 and always loved them and visa versa. My Ex will continue paying childsupport to me til they are emancipated (21) and share the college responsibility because we both went to college, and it is in our divorce decree. I don't press him for the SMALLL stuff, because in the end, he will help when the time is right. BUT other than that, for what ever reason, we DON'T rely on his support for anything. <P>So while I agree with you, IT ISN'T FAIR, life is not fair, and it could be a lot worse. But your wife should discuss with you why she doesn't want to bother, and her reasons could be very very real, just like mine. I don't want fights. That's why we divorced, why continue fighting.<P> Good luck, and sorry for the very long post.<BR>You are in my prayers.<BR>Pookie