forgive me, i just found this web site and have no idea how to use it. i need help! after 18 yrs of marriage,4 affairs, 30 visits to counselors of all types, i'm sitting here having just signed my divorce papers and reeling in the aftermath of what i've done.

my estranged wife has fought to keep our marriage until the bitter end and is refusing to sign the d papers. the troubles in our marriage seem too numerous to go into in this message. we've been separated for 19 months.

will I ever stop being a cheater????? how could my wife ever forgive me for this many mistakes? i just don't know which way to turn right now.

First, read the MarriageBuilders concepts on this site. It would appear that you weren't getting all of your Emotional Needs met. However, if you are a chronic cheater, it's possible that your wife would never have been able to meet your needs, particularly if you never felt deserving.
Even though you've been to 30 counselors, you still haven't identified why you cheat. You still have work to do. Take the time now to understand your actions and to become a better person in the future. This is particularly important if you have children. Show them a healthy parent.
Good Luck.

jpa-

You've come to the right place if you're looking for answers as there are VOLUMES of useful advice at this site for what you're going through.

Without knowing much of your story, I'd suggest you try to slow this process down a bit until you're sure that a D is what you want. It sounds like you're a little hesitant and a D is FINAL. Post some more details and educate yourself on the concepts posted by Harvey. Good luck!

jpa --

Welcome to MB. You couldn't have come to a better website; we'll help you all we can.

Do you want this divorce? Your wife doesn't and it sounds as if you're uncertain. Why are you reeling? Because you're not sure. Someone on this board has a post in her signature line that reads something like: "I have a lifetime to divorce my spouse. I can decide to do it at any time. But I don't have much time left to save my marriage..."(paraphrase).

Even when you've run out of hope, there's always hope. I hear realization, awareness, contrition from you. You ask, "how could my wife ever forgive me for this many mistakes?" The fact that your wife continues to fight to preserve your marriage answers your own question. She fights for it for the simple reason that she CAN forgive. Sounds like a pretty special woman to me. Are you sure you want to lose her?

Maybe it's "supposed to be" that she won't sign those papers too. Maybe you're being given still another chance to pull this thing out of the fire. Maybe 18 years of marriage count for something. Maybe it was a very good thing that you've come here. Maybe you want to reconsider...

Somewhere along the line you're going to want to forgive yourself. "Will I ever stop being a cheater?" -- yes, anytime you're ready to stop. Maybe these divorce papers are that final wake-up call to you. Maybe you should listen to it...

I'm full of "maybe" today because I don't know what you're going to do with this opportunity. Paper is just paper; if you don't want to do this, tear it up! She'd be overjoyed! I hear much doubt and uncertainty from you, in this instance a very good thing. I'm glad that you're thinking this through. That's being smart.

I wish you peace on your journey. Please post again and tell us how you're doing. We care...

Ammon

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>