OK I am a regular MB'er but am shy about my problem so am posting under a temp login.

I have been divorced 6 months now following a split from my WW after at least 3 A's that I know about. I haven't seen my W in nearly a year following my Plan A/B approach and then when my LB$ was zero I DV'd.

Everything is settled financially, was very stress free and painless really (no kids), and I feel good about myself emotionally and have spent a good time working on myself.

So here I am now seeing a new single, very attractive woman for the past 2 months and the relationship has been going great. But I guess you can already guess where this is going <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Suffice to say in the bedroom department she is being pleasured no end <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> whereas I am having a total disaster. No erection, no bodily desire, nothing. Think saggy wet corn dog and you get the idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Now I have no problem making her climax over and over but there is nothing in my body to show what my mind is wanting. I totally want her but my body feels zero.

Occasionally there is a glimmer of strength only for it to disappear upon starting the deed.

Now she isn't bothered by it, but I am... it is very frustrating. A check up at the docs revealed nothing physically wrong with me, he suggested it was stress related and a throwback to the divorce but that feels like ages ago.

I am trying not to worry about it (self fulfilling prophecy and all that) but its beginning to get to me. Has anyone else experienced and ideally overcome this?

Hope someone can help?

Softie

Hi Softman,

I am not a man, so I don't know if my suggestions will help. Relax. Also, the pain of an A as we know is so intense, and destroys the trust,that maybe, somewhere deep inside you, the lack of response may be due to hesitancy to trust on a deep level. (Just a guess)

If she is not bothered by it, then go with the flow, and maybe things will start working soon.

You should go to your doctor for a complete physical examination to rule out any physical disorder or disease. If you are currently taking antidepressants you may be experiencing side effects which is lowering your libido. On the other hand, you may need antidepressants to decrease your anxiety being in another relationship so soon after a divorce. You might want to investigate the use of Viagra to recharge your libido.

Tommaz, yes have had a complete checkup. No physical issues or disease. Not on Anti-D's stopped taking them over a year ago.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 02:32 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Yes, this sounds like it is a psychological block so to speak. I agree and I think you have found a problem, and now it is bothering you so much, that you are having a hard time getting over it. I agree with Sue, just relax, and don't pressure yourself. I think that you are completely capable, but you are mentally not allowing yourself, regardless of what you want in reality. Your mind is blocking the effect you desire.

This actually happened to me when I was first with my wife. I was so excited to be with her, but I just couldn't. Talk about feeling bad, here I was 20 years old and nothing. But after a time or two, with her understanding, I tried not to think about what was going on so much, and wow. That was the ticket. And after the first time, there was never another issue.

So my suggestion is just to go with what works. Try to enjoy what you are doing, but I would even go so far as to tell her that you "Don't want to try for yourself for a few times." Just to be there for her. Openly relieving the expectations up front with no 'attempt' may just allow you to get that spark back. Ask her not to try you either, because if nothing happens, then it still is pressure, and nothing is gained. Allow anything to happen on its own, without you even trying to think about it.

I bet after a few times of this, you will find that you are being aroused, since the pressure to get aroused is no longer an issue.

Just my thoughts, but I think that you will be fine. And I think you are ready, just something is not allowing you to continue. Don't worry about it, haha, easy for me to say, I have not been with anyone in so long, I forget the differences. And I am a doctor. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Take care and relax.

Softie,

I guess I'm just skeptical when someone comes on MB and actually makes fun of something that is stressing him so much...makes me wonder if you are for real....

However, if you are for real, then from what I hear your problem is not uncommon at all and it goes away....or better words would be, it goes back to normal and you just need to give it time...

Take care "softy",

ANNA

Just to put a different spin on things . . . maybe your body is trying to tell you that this is too much too fast. I'll admit that I'm more than a little "old-fashioned" but you do seem to be rushing to the bedroom instead of spending time building the relationship. Instead of fighting your body, try listening to it.

Best of luck in getting to know the lady and yourself.

softman-

Understandably you wish to remain uk in this situation, however, there may be some emotional, psycho-social garbbely [censored] <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> going on.

For example, you still refer to your xw as your w, this may be semantics but just because your M has been legally dissolved does NOT mean you have consciously/emotionally fully accepted this. This may be compounded by having same circle of friends, people, places and things associated with your XW! See where I'm going?

despite the above, i feel as f_s does: you should be cultivating, nurturing the relationship outside of the bedroom...I know we all have needs, and I can't answer for where you're at right now, but I'm sure if you search you'll find that there may be some hidden scars that is prohibiting you from being hard candy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Be good and true to yourself, my brother!

In Christ's Name!
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