Hi all.

I'm new to this site, and hoping to find some support and friends during this rough time.

We made the decision to divorce on December 27, and I'm having to find a new home and move out with my 19 year old daughter. We don't have enough money, and I'm having an extremely hard time finding anything we can afford. I can't expect any help at all from him, money-wise or anything else. He is basically "done" with the whole situation, in his mind, and on to other things.

I am devastated. And I'm even more devastated that he doesn't seem to care or even be interested. I don't have many friends - I am very introverted, and don't make friends easily. I need to change that.

I hope I can fit in somewhere around here. Thanks.

Hi fletch...welcome...please read all the introduction material for this site....Dr. Harley's basic concepts...and please share with us more about your situation so that we may be able to offer you some support. Please know that we care about your well being and you will find many friends at this site who will help you and listen......please continue to post and let us know your story so that we can offer some more precise support for you. God keep you safe and know that things will get better...remember He is with you through this storm....take care now....f4u

Fletch. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> A friendly welcome to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We will help you however we can. Prayer, cyberhugs our experience and whatever and however else. Please let us know your story so those with similar experiences can post to you.

I am not very outgoing either. Ive been a lot of pain but Im trying to get back on my feet after an abusive 26 year marriage. Its scary for me money wise but Im trusting God.

Even though Im not that outgoing, I actually made it to the get together in NYC!!! Big step for me going to meet people that I only knew from talking on line, but I feel like they are my friends and hope to see them again. Little steps at a time (just like in the movie, "What About Bob"

Please post again'
Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for your responses. I'll try to give some more information that might be helpful.

I'm 40, and this was my second marriage. We were together for 10 years, married for 6.5. We each have 2 kids from our previous marriages.

About 4 years ago, we had big problems. His mother passed away unexpectedly, and he went into a deep depression, though he tried, and succeeded somewhat, to hide it. Suddenly, about 6 months after that, with no warning, he told me he wanted a divorce. He felt that we weren't close enough. I had been feeling sort of the same thing, but he seemed happy with it and it didn't seem to bother him. Apparently it did, and he's the kind of guy that internalizes everything, and then just explodes, makes a snap decision, and goes on from there with no thoughts about any other options.

I told him immediately that I did NOT want a divorce, and I thought that we could work it out - it seemed like we still wanted the same things, but we had lost our way, and didn't know that we both felt the same and didn't know how to fix it. We muddled through, and eventually he agreed that he was glad we had, and wanted to stay married forever.

About 2 years ago, he began gaining weight, changed careers, taking a huge pay cut, and started concentrating on hobbies and activities. This is great sometimes, but he completely let go of the upkeep of the house, yard, kids, and everything else. Our house is falling to pieces - outside lights hanging from the walls by the wires, front porch rotting off the foundations, window panes on the front porch falling out one by one and being replaced by plastic to keep the rain out, etc. You can probably imagine what our home looks like. No one will voluntarily do ANY work around here (even things like unloading the dishwasher or taking out the trash) without huge attitude problems and arguments. Including him, many times. I feel like everyone is afraid that they might do more than someone else and that would be "unfair." When I try to get help with chores - just regular house chores - I'm the bad guy, and everyone's bent out of shape with me.

Also, he always had a problem with confidence with sex. It was a major accomplishment for him to be able to have intercourse. The extra weight didn't help him there. Sex stopped about 2 years ago. When I brought up the subject, he said he was still interested, but didn't feel like he could manage very well, and he wanted to lose some weight. (He continued to gain)

About a year ago, I had a hysterectomy for health reasons. This was no great blow, as far as kids go - we didn't want any more, with 4 between us already. I mention the hysterectomy because I beleive that it might have also contributed to our losing our intimacy.

Gradually over the last couple of years, any sign of affection between us has gone. No more hugging, no more kissing, no more snuggling in bed, no more holding hands - even no more fun things that we used to do, just the two of us, like road trips, hikes, camping, etc.

I brought it up recently - I wasn't happy with losing that, and I wanted to change it. He said that he hadn't really given it a lot of thought lately, and therefore he'd been OK with it, but as a matter of fact, he didn't like that we'd lost it either. He felt that we were more roommates than anything, and by the way, he didn't know if he wanted to change that. I am extremely unhappy with no affection at all. Not even a friendly hug.

Over the last month or so, things have gotten much, much worse, and last Friday we talked and agreed to divorce. I don't really want to - I still love him, and he says that he loves me, but he feels that it's too much work and too draining to try again, and he's not willing.

To be fair, I'm not willing to live the way we have - in a dilapidated pigsty. I've tried for years to get this changed, and I've just become the bad guy. It's not going to change - and I can't live like this. I wish we could work things out, but I just don't see how.

So now he's gone into his "I'm divorcing the b***h" mode, and he's ignoring me, isolating me, and wanting to know when I'm moving out. I'm looking for a place, but there's not a lot around here that I can afford, and it's really getting scary.

He immediately started talking money - equity, debt, and so on. He wants to give me cash and have me walk away. Of course this would leave me debtless, but I would also be homeless, and with a 19 year old daughter in college full time, this scares the crap out of me.

I haven't been able to stop crying, and had the doctor prescribe an antidepressant this morning. Our friends were all his friends first - I moved her to be with him - and I haven't heard from any of them lately.

My biggest problems (as I see it) right now are my overwhelming depression, lack of a shoulder to cry on or arms to hug me, and my need to find a home on a too-small budget.

I know that I need to:
see my doctor about the depression - I have an appointment next Monday
see a lawyer to get some advice
find a home for my daughter and I
make some friends, with whom I can share problems, ideas, hopes, and hugs

Sorry for the book. Just got me started, though.

It doesnt sound like you are the only one with a depression problem. From what you described it sounds like he also needs a full medical checkup.

Would he agree to that, or do you think drugs and alcohol are involved? Our problems were 90% drugs and alcohol and your H sounds a little like mine.

Hi Fletch,
Welcome to MB....there are some great people here and many are willing to chat, give support and encouragement, and be the shoulder that you need to lean on!

I did have a question about you moving out. Do you own your house, and if so, whose name is it in? Your husband only? Or both of your names? The reason I'm asking is that it may not be in your best interest to move out (even given the "pigsty" state of things) if you can't easily afford something comparable. Since you both probably brought assets into the marriage, where does the house fit in? If it's jointly owned, I would suggest NOT moving out just yet. Let him move out.

Also, I have two college-age kids...you might consider talking to your daughter and asking her if she can work part-time (if she isn't already). I'm sure she'd want to help you if she's able, and that may be a simple step to help her finance part of her education.

Lastly, are you close (both geographically and emotionally) to any family? Would they be a resource for you (both financially and/or supporting)? I agree with Sunrise, it sounds like your husband is possibly depressed which could also be the tip of a MidLife Crisis.

Don't forget, people are here for you!

Hi, Fletch. I don't usually post in this area. But have started reading as I'm planning on moving out shortly.

It's good that you have a plan mapped out for yourself, even if it just carries you through the next few days.

Do read everything on the MB site. If you can, try to get your h. to read it. Maybe leave it up on the computer??? MB offers hope first and foremost and that's what most of us need to get started, and to sustain our efforts at creating mutually enjoyable marriages.

Keep in touch.

sunrise1;

Yes, he does have a depression problem too, but he doesn't admit it and absolutely will not get any help for it. Different people around him have independently said that they think he's bipolar, but he won't hear anything about it and refuses to consider it.

I agree with you completely - and drugs and/or alcohol are definitely not a problem.

avondale25;

The house is in his name only, and I couldn't come near to affording it on my own anyway.

My daughter has asked about getting a job - that's part of my problem - she wants to quit school and get a job, and I don't want her to quit school. She also has some depression problems, I think, partly from this, and partly because in the past year or two she's begun to see a side of her dad (not my husband) that she never fully saw before, and she doesn't like the person she's seeing. He's been extremely nasty, and while she's been shielded some before, she now sees the full picture, and is having trouble with it. I think she's also burnt out on school, and her grades are showing it. She's normally an honors level student, but she's having trouble now, and it's not the level of the work.

The only family I have is a 2 hour drive away. We can visit with them, but it's not around the corner. They are providing what emotional help they can now, but can't provide any financial help.

greengables:

He is absolutely set in his mind, and he's not interested in saving this marriage. He will not be reading this site, because he has no interest. If I suggested it, he would be more obstinate than ever.