Hi, this is the first time I have posted on the Divorcing/Divorced Board. See my profile below, I have been through alot in the last 2 years.

My husband moved back home 10 weeks ago, promising it was for real this time, even told my parents that he would take care of me.

Then, he pulled my life from underneath me and filed for divorce yesterday, and wants it over as quickly as possible, we have no children, so there will be no custody battle.

It is my belief that OW is waiting for him, as I know he has been in contact with her.

I feel so hurt, so alone, and deeply depressed, I feel even worse than my first Dday, because I know its truly over and I know that in the long run, it may be the best because I know I do deserve better, I cannot go along wondering like this forever, will he be here or will he not?

Please, how do I get on, my family does not live here, all of my friends were his friends wives, I feel I can't get on with my life.

Does it get better, does the lonliness ever go away? He said after the divorce is final, he never wants to have contact with me again, that hurts so bad, as we had been married 5.5 years, together for 7.5 years.

Please I need some encouragement here.

Going_crazy-

I am SO sorry you're going through this right now and that your WH has been so "wishy washy". I can't imagine getting started in recovery only to have to relive that horror all over again.

This experience will make you a better and stronger person once you get through it. Your compassion and ability to experience and appreciate true love will grow by leaps and bounds when you heal yourself. I'm now D'd from my WW (since 12/11/02) and can already see that I CAN get through it AND find love again. Hang in there and God Bless you!

-G

Going Crazy - Oh my god... I am so sorry - I thought that things were going well for you - I had read a couple of your posts in recovery and now wow... OK all I can say from the divorce experience is that you may feel like you cannot go on - but you know really from day to day it does get better but even when you are divorced you will still have good days and bad days - and could have, would have and should have days - I am so sorry that you are going through this... Their are so many people on this board who will be able to give you insight - You may be down right now - but I know you will be able to pick yourself up and start again... You are definately worthy of being loved and do not deserve this at all - I am so sorry... Mimi

Crazy,

Yes, it definitely gets better if you will let it.

My marriage didn't have the dramatic splits and reunions that yours has had but I knew that something was very wrong for a very long time. When I was married, I often cried myself to sleep and even felt suicidal on many occassions. (Although I would never harm myself because of my kids.) Once I found out the problem and realized that the marriage was over, everything changed.

I don't know if you are familiar with the Old Testement story of David and Bathsheba or not. There's a lot to the story dealing with adultery, cover-up, etc but the part that really hit home with me comes after all that. As punishment for the adultery, the first child born to David and Bathsheba dies after being ill for several days. While the child was ill, David fasted, wore sackcloth and ashes and lay on the ground begging God to reconsider. After the child died, David got up, got dressed, ate and went about his business. David's servants questioned him about this behavior, in response he told them that he had hoped to persuade God to change his mind, but "now that he (the child) is dead, why fast? Can I bring him back again?"

When I knew that the marriage was over, I quit crying. I started making plans for the future. After a while, the marriage began to seem more like something I watched at a movie theater - emotional, but not really affecting my present life. This is true even though I was married for well over half of my life.

Just a few concrete suggestions: Don't listen to love songs on the radio or at home. Don't watch sappy love stories. Don't assume that your old friends won't stay friends but do start meeting new people. Read "Divorce Recovery" books and/or find classes through local churches or civic organizations. Get a lawyer and be prepared for what is about to happen. Even though having no contact at all with your husband after the divorce may seem cold now, it may be for the best. Those of us with kids have to be in frequent communication with the exes and that can make "getting on with life" much harder.

You've been through a rough two years. What lies ahead has got to be better.

The other neat thing about the story of David is that after the first son died and David got on with his life and got it back on track with God's will - the next child born to Bathsheba was Solomon!

Hang in there and always remember that no matter how bad the pain is, it's only temporary if you are willing to let go of it.

Hi Going Crazy, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

My STBXW left abruptly after saying she didn't love me anymore & has since moved in with OM. I truly understand & feel what you are going through.

She filed for divorce immediately after moving out & it should be finalized next month. I can only speak from experience that initially it does feel like your world has come to an end. I spent too many days & nights feeling rejected, worthless, & finally understanding what it means to feel ALONE, not just lonely.

Slowly, I have come to understand that things do happen for a reason. I still love her with all my heart & daydream somedays that we will get back together, but I also realize that I need to take back control of my life. I am slowly pulling myself back together & dealing with the pain.

We as BS's will get through this period in our lives, please believe that. I didn't think I could make it this far initially either, but with the support of all the wonderful people on this forum, it has become easier to cope & move on wwith my life. I hope you can find the peace you need as well. Best wishes & Happy New Year!

Kick the POS out of the house, call any friends even if you met them through him, that you have a kindship with and ask them for help getting through this. You'll be surprise who will come to your help and how amazing some people will be. Also, get busy, get a gym membership and go nightly, join a group, hobbies etc. Stay busy and don't beat yourself up, you gave it a heck of a chance and its not your fault at all. I am going through something similar and just recently got fed up that my wife has no interest in working on it, none. I've been trying for four months now, been married for sixteen months. I don't know if there is someone else, but it really doesn't matter, she wants out. I have good days, ok days and especially recently, downright terrible days. But we have to build ourselves up, for our self esteem and our health. Good luck.

Great advice above. My additions, talk to your doctor. Anti-depressants help get through this horrible period. Find a counselor - you need it. I felt like I cried all the time - my counselor said that was good - that meant I was dealing with my grief. That is part of what you are doing now- grieving the death of your marriage, and it's horrible. But you need to move on with you own life.
Find a divorce support group in your area, mine has been invaluable in making new friendships and socializing (not a dating service but group parties).
You still held out hope, you'll find that as your probability of reconciliation drops, you'll find yourself recovering better - this is the detachment that you'll read about on this page.
I've read so many books this last year, and need to read so many more. One book I really liked is the FreshStart Separated/Divorced Recovery Workbook - this helped to work through specific feelings.
Now is the time to seek help. One major suggestion (from a book) don't lean on one person or your family too much - you'll drain those resources quickly - find new ways to support yourself.
MB has been invaluable here. God bless you.

Soory to hear. Dont know your story & havent had time to read above. But I wanted to say about your friends. . .

My H had affair started 2 yrs ago. 2001 was pure he**. He filed & dismissed & came back Jan '02. False start. He was still involved with OW. He moved out in October & filed in December 02.

He still drops by once a week to see if all is okay, though he refuses to tell me where he lives!!, I have his cell # if I need to reach him.

ANyhow, our friends were mutual. The guys were his friends, the girls mine. When all this started, I needed to rely on them more. I understand that their husbands didnt really want to get in the middle of this, but they could see my pain. SOme told me "my house is your house anytime!". They are all still my friends. I still go to functions with them & their kids. H has been there sometimes too! We just act normal though dont talk to each other much. Well, the guys & gals tend to segregate at parties anyhow- guys talking politics, religion, sports - gals talking about kids & gossip etc.

It has been my H that has totally isolated himself from them! He refuses invitations & makes excuses. They have even invited him thru me though they know we live apart. He says hes sick etc. How sad.

When he was fighting with me all the time he told me "You told them I was having an affair (False according to him) and now they are all taking your side. I can't face them" !!! I told him they all just wanted us to be happy & weren't taking my side. (some of the guys knew some stuff & believe me. Others didnt want to know - just wished me well. But even they came to believe me. They dont talk to him about it. Just want us to be happy.)

SO dont abandon these friends. When you talk to them just tell them how hurt you are & the pain & that for whatever reason "the marriage isnt working out" even though it has been forced on you by his choice. Tell them you understand the complications & are not asking them to take sides or go against their husbands but that you need friends during this time & want to remain their friend. True friends should understand.

Otherwise, just let H do whatever he wants. You cant make him change his mind. Its taken 2 yrs for this to sink in for me and for me to stop trying to remind him of the good times or to convince him our marriage is worth saving. They have to make the choices for themselves. All the crying or pleading in the world wont change that. Try to keep yourself busy with ANY small thing. I used to hang out at the food court at the mall & read books just to be surrounded by people! Clean the house if he's not around. Go do some beauty regiman (haircut etc).

Not that it will go thru or be final, but get some free consultations with some lawyers as to what your options will be if/when he does file. Then if you need to hire one, you will know whom you liked. Most initial meetings are free. Or contact your local legal aid if you wont be able to pay a retainer to a lawyer in the future. It hurts desperatly, but you DO need to protect your own interests. If nothing else, sounds like he is unsure of the direction his life is taking & is having a mid-life crisis. It looks alot like hes got an OW waiting in the wings to me.

Why do you think he came back?? Did he give you any reason that he wanted the marriage to work? Did he make any effort?? Mine did not.

Hang in there!

P.S. We also had no children (his postponement) and both our parents are deceased. I have no family either! I only had my H and we were each others first everything. Friends 5 yrs, married 10 this past yr! So stay busy with any activity you can and see who your real friends are. Read, do crafts, take a recreational class at your local library or county recreational office! Get out of the house! Do see a counselor. I have been taking antidepressants for over 1 yr now. (Effexor - with NO side effects). It doesnt make it all go away, but definately helps you not think about it over & over again all day every day. I call that the "hamster wheel". Stay off the hamster wheel! If you are religious - pray! That offers alot here much solace.

You can email me at irishizan@netscape.net if you like.

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: AgainstTheWind ]</small>

Dear GC,
What can I say to you about the pain?
I am so sorry,
I am feeling a lot right now myself, just surround yourself with God and Godly friends, i am doing better in my job, but at times that can be hard to.
Please let us know how you're doing. Keep praying......sorry it's so tough
KK