I have posted on and off since around Sept 11 when I found out what was going on. She moved out w/ daugther a week before Thanksgiving to her own place. I have taken the position of contact only for my daugther well being. Since she moved out I have become more independent and non-needy. The thing that I don't get is one minute she says counseling then the other she is at her attorney's office. She will say nothing is set in stone but then the d papers are at the sheriff's office. I know that I have done wrong in our relationship but she has ripped my heart out and done a dance on it. She says that it was only an EA but I think her thinking is still not straight. She thinks she didn't do anything wrong!
My counselor said that until she recongizes her wrongs that we can't get better. I recongize my faults and I am going to correct them for myself, my daugther & whoever I end up w/. I see slight hope that will we work out but I have an appt to pick up the d papers. I guess crazier things have happened but I don't want to get danced on again.
Xmas she called 4 times leaving only one message.
That following Sun she called 7 times & I talked to her once. THIS SUCKS! She had no right to do this to our family. She is putting everyone through hell including our little one. That's what really makes me mad. I am little depressed & ticked off today and needed to vent.

ees-

I have followed your story, as I, the WS, have lurked around for quite awhile! I would subject myself to reading as much of BSs' stories to "understand" (yeah right) at least feel the pain and sorrow!

If YOU truly want this marriage then give her the time to go thru the "natural death" her fantasy life has taken her!! Give her the time and space!

Work on YOU, as you have intimated doing! Seek C, if you have a faith,seek out spiritual intervention/guidance. Don't worry about finding things to do after work...those things come to you as you re-discover yourself!

I pray for restoration of your M!

In Christ's Name!
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Thanks.. The problem is I feel like I am screwing up things. I think I have stuff together and then pow..today I am depressed, worried about financial results of the divorce (maintenance & child support), and find some way to make it through this. I want to give her time but I have 30 days to respond once I pick up the papers. Her fanasty isn't so rosy. Her family & good friends have told me so. I keep all information about me w/ me. I don't share the who, what & where I have been. It is sad to say but I be happy for once. Her problems and my problems are deep. I am finding counseling to help & same w/ the church. The problem is she is seeking nothing. She won't go to church b/c of what everyone thinks plus no counseling either. I appreciate your advice and at times I think I am the only one going through this stuff! I am the first of my friends/family to have gone through this.

Ohhh, You are far from the first to have gone through this. However, that is the same thing that I thought a year ago, then again, 6 months ago. NO ONE could EVER have felt as badly as I did. At least that is what I thought. NO ONE could EVER have been so wronged, At least that is what I thought. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS this situation. NO ONE CARES. At least that is what I thought at the time.

Let me tell you, we are here, and if you can hang on for a while, I promise you that it gets better. I truly believe that there will still be times that you feel worse than you do right now. But I also believe that they will become less drastic, and farther between as time goes by. You will not cry a last time. You will not care a last feeling. They will diminish and you will become stronger. The triggers will bother you less and less and you will become more free as time goes on.

Let me give you a quick story. I thought we were doing fine, when I find that my wife is having an EA, she says, now I don't believe it, but I did at that time. She does EXACTLY what your wife is doing for almost two months, then says 'I want you out.' The night I am moving out, I find out she has had two other affairs, PA. And probably more as I think back on circumstances, but I knew of 3. I confronted her, she begged forgiveness and reconcilitation, I tried, she didn't. She ended up leaving for another (secret) man 4 months later. 4 months of extensive Plan A by me and little if anything in return from her.

But I tell you what. Those were 4 of the most important months of my life. They allowed me to refind myself and the love that I can share. She didn't want any of it, and still doesn't. She thinks her life is going to be so much better without me. And maybe it will be, who knows. We have 2 boys ages 6 and 9. She actually said, "This will be good for them." among about a dozen other such Pearls of Wisdom. She lied to me and said that there was no other man, we just 'aren't good for each other.' When I finally confronted her about 3 months later, she said 'You killed my heart and made it so I had to jump at the first person to show me love.' (yea, first, second, third, and fourth AT LEAST)

But anyway, I moved out. I have 50% custody and time with my children and they are doing well. I am doing better and better. I have learned to quit trying to understand, because she lives in a world that is not connected to my set of reasoning. She is ambiguous and changes her story each and every time I speak to her about anything. She says she is broke and can't get the boys' hair cut, then three weeks later takes a trip to New York. I find that she has finally completely reverted to her 17 year old self. She has always had the maturity of a teenager, but I always loved her no matter what. But now that I can see without the blinders, I find that I, don't really miss the woman as much as I miss my children's mother, and having my wife.

I know about the craziness, and my only recommendation is not to try too hard to figure things out. You will feel horrible some times, then OK the next. That is normal. One piece of advice that I have found extremely helpful in dealing with her is "Expect her to do the worst in every situation. Then when she does it, you will be expecting it and won't be surprised. And if she DOESN'T do it, then your only surprise will be a good one." I can't tell you how this little twist on thinking has helped me cope with her.

Also, I have learned that it doesn't matter what you think the truth is, it only matters what she thinks. Because if she believes something different than you, there is nothing you can do to change her mind or make her care. The only reality between you is her's. But the only thing that you can control is how you act and react to her reality. If you do not agree with it and think it is wrong, then that is OK. Just realize that no matter how WRONG you think she is, it just doesn't matter, because she is acting on her own perception of the situation. Don't knock yourself over trying to understand why or how she can think what she does. Hopefully you will never understand, because that will probably mean that you are just as crazy as she is.

Take care. We are here. Vent and question anytime. Understand that we have all gone through similar situations, and have experience at multiple levels. Use us as a tool, but don't rely on what we say. Use the information gained here to form your own way of dealing with the situations you are in.

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

The hardest thing for me is seeing her do okay and me being the one struggling. I think that it would be easier if I had some strength or if I gain an upper hand some how. It probably happens to everyone going through this but everything seems to be going down hill for me. Job, friends, looks, etc... I am just struggling to make it through the day. I have trouble sometimes even getting ready to go in the morning. I feel like she has taken my best that I have given her and just said screw you. That I think what hurts the most. I know that I have said this already but This is the worst thing that I have been through.
Worst than losing my closest parent. I hate the whole depression thing and wish I could shake it now. I guess I am almost looking for someone to say "do this and you will be better" or "I will get you through this, just follow me". I have always been a fighter but I don't know how much longer I want to fight.

EEs we all have been through what you are feeling you have received some very good advice here.

You said you didn't know how much longer you can keep fighting. Listen, you have no choice but to keep fighting. What you need to do is stop looking at yourself and look at your child she needs you now more then any other time. Show her that her Dad will be OK. Draw strength from your child and do what you have to make sure that she is OK. Divorce is a terrible thing that adults go through but for a child it is much worse so please be strong for your daughter. You'll see things will be ok.

Carl

That is the hardest thing. I will always fight for my daugther but the problem is I never want her to see that I am weak or hurting. I mean this is tearing me apart. She is 16 months old and when I have her it is the best feeling in the world but when I don't it is awful. I fought so hard for her and prayed so much that she would be okay. I was there for my wife through alot. My wife even said you got me through the lowest points in my life and then she treats me like crap. I don't get it. I guess I should stop trying to figure things out. I thought this would get better. I am just pissed off, confused, hurts, angry, mad, wanting to find someone to treat me right, etc... The funny thing is my wife said I didn't do this or that. All those things, I could of done if asked but when she has to go find someone else then "Bye Bye". There was alot that our relationship was not but there was also alot that our relationship was. I want to come out on top but no one wins in divorce do they?

EES, I know exactly what you have gone through. My own divorce should be final within the next few days.

My STBXW said all the exact same things to me, "You took me for granted, I don't love you anymore, etc." She has denied the affair to this day, it just so happens that she is "dating" now. The OM actually moved in with her the day I moved out.

Initially it felt as if I could not face another day without her, the pain, the loneliness, the betrayal. Through the advice I have recieved on this board, I have begun the healing process of working on myself, we can't change how our WS feels or thinks, no matter how much we want to.

I still love my STBXW but am slowly realizing that some things really do happen for a reason (I'm sure you've been told that too). I am learning that the pain you feel now will gradually subside if you allow time to work it's magic healing powers. Concentrate on you & your daughter right now, you 2 are the most important people in your world right now, we can only pray that your wife gets out from the fog soon.

Best wishes & stay strong!!

Well we did the exchange of my daugther last night and we had some issues. She asked "am I willing to work on us?" She kept wanting to touch my hand. I won't let her b/c I think it is all a game. I asked her "how serious are you to work on us if you are the one filing the divorce papers?". She came back w/ you said "you said you were going to file but you said in a year or a month. She didn't want to wait around for me to file sometime later on." She has a lot of living to do and doesn't want to wait around for me to file. I talked to my counselor and he told me to give her a cooling off period & not to do anything to quickly. I told her that I asked her time and time again to do things but all I got were more lies. She told me that she wasn't lying anymore. How do I believe? When did this all change? What was the turning point?
I took a chance and said let's do counseling about 3 weeks ago & she said yes only to change her mind within a week & proceed w/ the filing. Her family yelled at her. She keeps telling me nothing so far is written in stone. I honestly think I am going to have a mental breakdown. I had my daugther and we were going to the store, I swear I could of pulled over to cry for an hour. This isn't fair. She plays w/ my head. I wish that she would be here b/c sometimes I think I am not giving the whole story. My stance is if you are serious about getting back together than you don't bring this up while w/ exchange our daugther, we do it in front of a counselor. I don't get her. Maybe I am the one who is not rational?