I have been in a relationship for 5 and some change years. We have been through an ugly custody battle over my 2 children from a previous marriage with my ex. He, my boyfriend, has had off and on drug problems (mostly pot, but has done Meth). He had a horrible upbringing so he has his defense shield up 24/7. Manic depression, up and down mood swings from him. We also have a 3 yr old son together. When I try to express my feelings and concerns he will put up his shield and get defensive and walk away. I don't think we have ever had a good constructive discussion. I know he loves me, but says he doesn't know how to. With in the last year our relationship has gone from bad to worse. He has been verbally mentally and physcally abusive. I know it is out of his frustration of not being able to communicate well. He never had a relationship role model. The behaviors he exhibits in our relationship sound very similar as to what was around him growing up. I do love him. A part of me tells me to leave, I deserve to be treated better. And then I have a part of me telling me to stay, leaving him will not only affect he and I but the 3 children also. It would be devastating to all of them. Should I trade in my happiness for my childrens happiness? All I want is to be in love and feel loved. I would love it to be him. I don't know what to say how to say it or what to do. We even did a Marriage Encounter weekend. The weekend was a beautiful weekend, but very short lived. How do I deal with this? I would love suggestions, Prayers would be great too. Thank You for your time. Have a Great New Year!!!!

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: PrincessMaria ]</small>

I am trying to recover from a verbally, mentally and physically abusive relationship.

A book I stumbled on while Christmas shopping is called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I suggest you get it and read it through a couple of times. It may help you to make a decision.

He wont love you if he is incapable of it. Anger is the basis for this type of relationship and his claims of lack of communication technique are probably misleading. He probably needs to work through his anger and may need counseling regarding his upbringing.

Let me know what you think of the book. Good luck,
dawn

My STBXH is an addict/alcholic who is extremely verbally abusive when he is using - he was sober for many years and this behavior changed dramatically, but returned full force when he started drinking and using again about 3 years ago.

I second sunrise's recommendation of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It was very helpful to me, too. If you think your H might be an addict, I'd strongly suggest Al-Anon or NarAnon, which is for people in relationships with drug addicts.

Your bf's problems are his problems and there's nothing you can do to fix them. You can't really trade your children's happiness for your own because their happiness depends upon you. For now, take care of yourself, learn as much as you can about addiction and abuse. You'll know what to do when the time is right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunrise1:
<strong>I am trying to recover from a verbally, mentally and physically abusive relationship.

A book I stumbled on while Christmas shopping is called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I suggest you get it and read it through a couple of times. It may help you to make a decision.

He wont love you if he is incapable of it. Anger is the basis for this type of relationship and his claims of lack of communication technique are probably misleading. He probably needs to work through his anger and may need counseling regarding his upbringing.

Let me know what you think of the book. Good luck,
dawn</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank You for your kindness and strength. Hope all is well with you! Have a Great New Year! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LetSTry:
<strong>My STBXH is an addict/alcholic who is extremely verbally abusive when he is using - he was sober for many years and this behavior changed dramatically, but returned full force when he started drinking and using again about 3 years ago.

I second sunrise's recommendation of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It was very helpful to me, too. If you think your H might be an addict, I'd strongly suggest Al-Anon or NarAnon, which is for people in relationships with drug addicts.

Your bf's problems are his problems and there's nothing you can do to fix them. You can't really trade your children's happiness for your own because their happiness depends upon you. For now, take care of yourself, learn as much as you can about addiction and abuse. You'll know what to do when the time is right.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank You for your words of wisdom! I much appreciate them! I hope all is well with you...Have a Great New Year! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by PrincessMaria:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sunrise1:
<strong>I am trying to recover from a verbally, mentally and physically abusive relationship.

A book I stumbled on while Christmas shopping is called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I suggest you get it and read it through a couple of times. It may help you to make a decision.

He wont love you if he is incapable of it. Anger is the basis for this type of relationship and his claims of lack of communication technique are probably misleading. He probably needs to work through his anger and may need counseling regarding his upbringing.

Let me know what you think of the book. Good luck,
dawn</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Very good advise from all the posters on this Thread. How about "How The Co-Dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages" - not sure who it's by though. When you choose to love, care for, and stay with a person such as the one you describe - you're enabling him and putting your life and your dear children's lives at his whim and rollercoaster mood swings.
I say this because my Cousin here is doing the exact same thing and she is so in love with him and continues to choose to stay with him as he drags her farther and farther down...
Please pray seriously about this and get some good personal counseling - if you haven't already.
God bless you and your children.
Harold

First of all, you should know I have zero tolerance for physical abuse. There is no "it's okay IF" here.

I was also in an abusive relationship.

I was told to stay in it "for the children". And for years, I did.

It took me a while to realize that I should leave for the children.

My story is in the link below, you can read a little about my life with Humperdinck. Ultimately I decided that I didn't want my children growing up thinking that was an acceptable way for a man and a woman to interact.

You want to stay because:
1.) You love him.
2.) The kids love him.
3.) You know he loves you.
4.) You know he can change.
Am I close?

The problem is, he's hurting you, and love doesn't do that.

Are you afraid of what he might do if you leave him, or demand that he seek counseling because you are worried about your safety?

Thank You Harold, I did read the article "how the co-dependency movement is ruining marriages" By Dr Harley. It was very helpfull. Thank you for your suggestions and prayers. I have a lot of hard thinking and decisions to make. Wish me luck for the new year. I wish you the same! Take Care! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sauron:
<strong>Very good advise from all the posters on this Thread. How about "How The Co-Dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages" - not sure who it's by though. When you choose to love, care for, and stay with a person such as the one you describe - you're enabling him and putting your life and your dear children's lives at his whim and rollercoaster mood swings.
I say this because my Cousin here is doing the exact same thing and she is so in love with him and continues to choose to stay with him as he drags her farther and farther down...
Please pray seriously about this and get some good personal counseling - if you haven't already.
God bless you and your children.
Harold</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi, I agree with your thoughts and feelings. It is so easy for me be strong and decide to leave and end it, but going through it is the hard part. I am praying for the strength to do that. My future does look bright, I just need to close my eyes and jump. Wish me luck for the new year. Lots of happiness and love for you this new year! Take care! Thank you for your response. And you were dead on my reasons for staying. God Bless! </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ex-Princess Buttercup:
<strong>First of all, you should know I have zero tolerance for physical abuse. There is no "it's okay IF" here.

I was also in an abusive relationship.

I was told to stay in it "for the children". And for years, I did.

It took me a while to realize that I should leave for the children.

My story is in the link below, you can read a little about my life with Humperdinck. Ultimately I decided that I didn't want my children growing up thinking that was an acceptable way for a man and a woman to interact.

You want to stay because:
1.) You love him.
2.) The kids love him.
3.) You know he loves you.
4.) You know he can change.
Am I close?

The problem is, he's hurting you, and love doesn't do that.

Are you afraid of what he might do if you leave him, or demand that he seek counseling because you are worried about your safety?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">