A little background first. Married 15 years to my WS. I only know of 1 A and truly believe it to be the only one. Despite of my decision to forgive and move forward with the help of a MC, my W decided that she "wasn't happy" anymore and asked for the seperation. I went along with it and have to admit it was probably the right decision at the time.

Now, however, I'm having a lot of trouble handling the whole thing. I know my WW is a very intelligent person, and still cares for me on several levels, but just doesn't see the need for a reconciliation. Despite the financial burden put on both of us, she says she doesn't feel the dread of coming home anymore.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that I'm extremely confused and lonely. When I have the kids (13yrs and 19mos) I'm able to handle things pretty well, but it's the times that I'm at my place by myself that drive me nuts.

Any ideas or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Hi and Welcome to MB. I love your name! I think it says something about your strength that you maybe don't realize - a wild horse has to fend for itself and be strong... interesting that you chose this name!

There are so many people here who can speak to you about all that you've written... unfortunately, it is a slow time of year... so I'm asking you to be patient. The responses will come, honest.

In the meantime, take care of YOU. Yes, you will be lonely, and sad, and angry too... and you have EVERY RIGHT TO BE. Your LIFE has been changed against your will! Admit that it's okay, feel how you feel, embrace it, and accept it. That will go a long way toward the beginning of healing.

The good news is that you're still married. Yes, your wife sounds confused and a LOT like so many others who stray in their marriages - sad, but true. Believe in your marriage, don't give up, and begin to take care of you -- you may want to read up on Plan A that Harley promotes. In fact, look around the site and really get into the concepts, the emotional needs, and again... TAKE CARE OF YOU. There may well come a day, not to far from now, when your wife will come back to you, and you want to be in a position of strength when she does.

Best wishes!

There are lots of folks out there that feel just like you. I'm one of them. My wife of fifteen months want out, she "love me, but not in love". She has no interest in working on it and asked me to take care of myself, someday we'll be friends. At first I pursued her, then backed off, now i'm just pissed off at the way she has treated our marriage, treated me. But when I'm alone, which is often, I think of the girl I knew and its depressing, it sad. But i've done a few things to keep myself from beating me up. I joined a gym and go nightly, go to movies, meet up w/ friends/family when I can, go out to a bar and watch the football games or whatever. I keep busy. I don't have kids so its easier, but for the times your alone, make a list of things to do and go to that list when your alone. But first, join a gym, get a trainer to set you on an excercise routine. Good luck, there are a lot of people in your shoe today.

Wild horse - I love your name. Have you and your kids seen the Disney Movie 'Spirit'. It is how you seem to be, wild, forward, but lonely when alone. This horse is a stallion, and loses his first love which they have mated and produced twins, meets another mare, falls in love, and the ending I can't tell you.

Your wife is in the FFOOGGG.... I have a wayward souse who is in the ffooggg.... big time. You have your wife, and no divorce proceedings going. I would be pleasant, loving, and say things like honey, I wish that you would come over for dinner, or something like that. Could say, I wish you a good night. Just be nice, concerned, and show that you love her.

When you have the kids, you could have your older child and you make something special for mommy. I used to when the little ones were little, put their one hand and one foot in water paints, and put that on the paper, and write their name with the date, and how old the child was. I think that meant a lot to my husband. It was a way of him seeing these little feet and hands grow, plus it is something that she can put her finger on paper and touch the paper knowing that their little foot or hand was there.

This is tough, but be pleasant and nice, and just be patient. Life is going to be rough, and you seem to be a considerate man, with a lot of emotions.

The time alone is not easy. I haven't had much time alone, since I have the kids. But I will tell you that I don't want to be alone. The depression wells up, and folds in.

Read books, get a movie to watch, ask to go over friends house, or talk on the phone. Not much else you can do, cause I wouldn't want to go to the movies by myself. Just want to be with my husband, but we are divorcing, under his conditions, that he doesn't want to reconcile.

Thanks for the advice folks. I've tried doing several things that I enjoyed in the past. Unfortunately, they are the things that my WS and I really enjoyed doing together and they just aren't the same.

I do have a question though, what exactly is this fog that people refer to. From what I am experiencing, I am the one walking around in a fog.

Wild Horse,
BTW I just saw the movie 'Spirit'. It's great.
I have 22 horses and even though it's survival of the fittest(they pick on the gentler ones and all argue) They don't go off alone. They stick together in the herd.
I am married and when I have a free evening with the house to myself-I am lost. I come here. I don't do well alone for long periods of time at all.
You are a family man that has is without your mainstay in life.
Be with your kids as often as possible.
What do you suppose your wife has been missing with you? Deep down you probably know.Sometimes its a wayward spirit that no one can satisfy and the phase will pass. Other times it is truly a need that is not being fulfilled.
I am looking at myself tonight and realizing that I am not at all happy in my marriage partly because I do not allow it. My husbands job takes him away for days and when he comes home I can have the besyt intentions. Within no time I am acting as though I hate him.I don't mean to do this, but I do every week lately. At times I can't believe what comes out of my mouth-so cruel.
I have become very lonely as his job that he earns the money that we need(or think that we need) has taken him away for 4 1/2 years now. He is only home a couple of days a week.
Only you can say what your relationship was needing.\

Think about it before it's too late. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Wild Horse

You are doing great in spite of the tough situation you find yourself in. I went through the same thing, although my intense pain only lasted about a month or so last spring when my wife cheated on me. We never split up and are doing good now.

To answer your question about the "fog." It is an insidious thing that clouds most rational thought of the wayward spouse. This fog is caused by the great feelings the wayward spouse enjoys while involved in an affair.

Romantic love, which happens often when people have affairs, causes one to think differently about everything in their life and is, according to Harley, the strongest emotion. For me, that was one of the hardest things to accept -- that my wife had intense feelings for another man. Still is at times.

It's potent stuff and people are willing to throw away a whole lifetime to maintain that feeling. People leave their careers, spouses, children, you name it, while in the grip of the fog.

My wife was in the fog when she fell for another guy, who did a great job of fulfilling my her most important emotional needs such as affection, open and honest conversation and desirability. She was walking on clouds when he spun his seductive web. It's hypnotic in effect.

Looking back months later, she says, "I can't believe I was thinking that way. That wasn't me." She thought and felt that way because she was in the fog. People who say they would never cheat on their spouses and then do, often look back in amazement on their behaviors that are so out of character for them. The fog allows one to justify and rationalize bad choices and behaviors.

The trick, or idea, for the betrayed spouse is to start by making yourself a better person in Plan A, which will carry over into how you treat your spouse and begin fulfilling the needs that weren't being met in the marriage but were being met so gloriously in the affair.

If your partner responds positively to the changes you make in yourself and in your actions in the relationship, then you are on your way to recovery and restoring romantic love in your marriage. These small steps add up and help replenish the proverbial Love Bank.

I was fortunate that my wife responded to my actions and came back to me in heart and soul in very short time. What's key is to make these changes permanent and not just manipulative efforts to win your wife or husband back.

These are some of the things I've learned from Harley and others here at Marriage Builders. Left on my own without the Harley way, I believe I would have sabotaged my marriage and driven my wife more firmly into her lover's arms.

I was lost and the Harleys gave me the tools to improve myself in order to become a better husband and father. I hope you can use these principles to better yourself and reconcile with your wife in a solid marriage.

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Peter03 ]</small>

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I was pretty much evening out my emotional roller coaster until I got laid off from my work and the holidays came along in a 2 week period.

I wish I had really paid attention to most of the stuff here earlier.

My problem was that once I found out that my WW's A was of a sexual nature I freaked. I said A LOT of things that I'm not proud to admit to and she said several very hurtful things back. She blames me for a lot of the way I handled things after I found out and I agree with her on a few of them, but not most. She states that I said hurtful things that she will never be able to forget and I guess I understand that, but I still don't get that I have been able to forgive both the A and her hurtful things and attempt to move on with our marriage.

I'm also having a lot of feelings lately of not really needing to explain myself to her right now and that's very weird for me. I guess I'm still very used to answering so many questions about what I am doing and where I am doing it. Strange, but I figured that once I got to this point I would feel liberated somehow. But I don't for some reason. Is this relatively normal?

Hi,
You said, in your second paragraph that she didn't have to dread coming home any more. Do you know why she dreaded it? I ask because this is exactly how I felt about coming home, just a few short weeks ago. No matter where I was, when it was time to start home, I went through anxiety and dread like you would not believe. The reason was because I felt like I was stuck in a marriage that was not going to change and I was not happy. I came very close to leaving just to avoid having to go through this misery everytime I came home.

A word of encouragement...I felt the same way, that I was not in love with my H, even tho I cared about him as a person. When it came right down to a Divorce, he is willing to work on it and even tho I didn't want to at the time, I have decided to work on the marriage also. My mind was set on getting out, so there is hope.
Free

As close as I can get her to tell me, she was dreading coming home and having to deal with me. This was AFTER the A that she had. It definitely wasn't because of a lack of change, because there was PLENTY of that. I wish I could give you more answers, but since I've moved out I really haven't been able to get anything more than basic friendly conversation out of her. I'm not really pressing her on it either though since discussing most of our situation just makes me crazier than I am comfortable with being. I have asked for her to continue MC with me, but she's just not interested in doing so.

On a good note, I guess, I did get to go out and see a movie this afternoon. Caught Sweet Home Alabama. Decent movie, even if it is a "chick flick". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />