My husband and I are divorced. We were married 23 years and I always thought that we had the perfect marriage, guess I was wrong. He began cheating, I threw him out when I found out nine months later, and the divorce was recently final.

He left the OW several months ago and we've been friendly, civil, and even laughing together at times. I have to admit that I've missed him terribly, probably more as my best friend that as my husband.

He has been calling me several times a day, writing long love letters, and I am beginning to see the man that I fell in love with so many years ago. I really think that I'm going out of my mind. My grown daughter is appalled, she just can't believe that her strong, independent mother could be so taken in. She truly believes that her father is just conning me, trying to get back into my life.

I honestly can't say that I could ever trust him again. But I know that I do love him, have always loved him, even during my worst hurst after I found out about the affair.

Hey folks, is it worth trying again? I've always thought that anyone who divorced and then got back together with that person would have to be crazy. What's everyone else think?

To complicate matters even more, I've been seeing a truly wonderful man, kind, strong, the highest integrity. I thought that I loved him and we have even talked of marriage. I know that he loves me and would never, ever hurt me. Why can't I get my lying, cheating ex-husband out of my mind? Maybe trying to be friends is just too much.

Guess I'm rambling but I'm really coming apart at the seams over this. My therapist says that I need to make a choice and not look back. Easy words to say, but I just can't seem to do it.

Thanks for any words of wisdom and Happy New Year to everyone,

AlmostHappy

My gut reaction would be to take a break from both of them.

You are only recently divorced, there is a wonderful new man you've already spoken of marriage with, and you're completely not 'over' your XH.

This may ring a little of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do ... but right now, you're right, you DON'T know what you want or need. The veterans here will warn you against serious relationships within the first year or two after divorce, exactly because of the torment you're facing now. Someone's going to to be hurt, and it might just be all three of you.

Think about this: what are the 'conditions' you would accept your XH back under? You openly say you don't trust him -- how can there be a fresh start without trust?

You say you 'thought' you loved your new man. Did something make you believe you don't?

I had a rebound relationship that started and ended during my separation, before my divorce was even final. I thought I loved him, too. Turns out, I was in a fog, like many betrayed spouses, and I mistook the feeling of getting my long-ignored emotional needs met for being in love. I destroyed him when I broke it off.

Take some time for yourself. Learn what you need, and if either of these men can really provide it for you. I know it's hard to be alone, I failed miserably at it. I know that I grew the most in the first year after I left my XH, and I know that two years later, I am still haunted by the ghosts of that relationship.

almosthappy,

You did not say whether your ex knows about your new bo, or not.. does he?? and if so, this could be, that it is a real challenge for him, and knowing you have some one and he does know, it makes it even more of a challenge.. IMHO.. but you KNOW your ex better then any of us, so this is only an out siders opinion..

as the old saying goes... we always want what we CAN`T have.. If you are showing him any signs of a chance, you are sending mixed emotions now too, as well.. it is a sticky situation.. but I understand completely about still loving your ex..

sometimes I wish my ex would make a REAL attempt to come back as well.. (he did last yr, around thanks giving, 3 yrs to the day he left.. 98` he is gone 4 yrs now, and our divorce became final, this past june..)

he was very confused when he made his lame attempt last yr, and I saw this happening immediatly, and stopped it dead in it`s tracks, after the holidays, so my daughter didn`t have to get all up set, once again, because I did not want to be toyed with any longer.. and my daughter did have high hopes at the time.. so in essence, he did it to us both twice.. he was playing with both our emotions.. and to me it is either make a REAL attmept or keep going, and don`t look back.. I chose to move on.. but that is not to say if he ever made a "REAL" attempt, I would not think about it again..

This is so hard, isn`t it.. we lived, loved, owned a nice home, created a child, had a long history together, AND they (the ex`s) have been on the grass they (thought) they saw as greener, and it failed.. my ex is now with some one else, not the woman he left me for.. (I still call her perdue) and she is STILL married and strung my ex around for those 3 yrs.. thats when he came back to me, to get HER jealous, and he had finally got fed up with that situation.. but that was last yr, and he is now seeing some one else, so thats that..

I do at times, still wish we could have our good old lives back, and be a family again.. but thats not going to happen.. he has not changed, but I have, so it could never work.. I have grown, and he has not.. which, to me, makes for a bad mix.. (IMHO)

any way.. I do hope you can sort this all out.. but I`d be carful.. he may also be playing with your emotions, not only for the challenge, which when he concurs, it may back fire again.. but mostly for some attention, he is now not receiving from any noe else.. (another words, lonliness, which is what they ultimatly did to us) it is a hard and dangerous situation.. so just be carful.. and keep your eyes and ears wide open.. ok

good luck to you, what ever you choose..

AV

Like you, I'm almost happy. But not quite.

I relate so much to your post that I registered just to answer you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I disagree with your counselor. I think you need to take a step back and not make a choice between the two.

Take care of yourself and heal from the loss of your first marriage, and if you feel like getting serious with the nice guy, you can do it with a clear conscience.

Almost Happy. you say your x left the OW months ago? Or at least left her? Are you sure he left or did she toss him? I have one opinion and I will always live by it. If we ever divorce, I'd never take mine back. I've always told him Lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place, at least not with me.
You have found someone knew whom you say is strong, kind and of the highest integrity. Can you say this about the man who left you for another? I'd say not. Keep Mr. X at bay and get to know this new man more. You just might wind up wishing you'd met him long ago.
X may just be jealous thinking you would have sat crying your eyes out for him forever. Let him stew, but don't believe a thing he says until you get to know the other man better. Once a liar, I think always a liar. I've got a H who knows how to lie so convincely he could make you think the world is square! Maybe I'm wrong, but I think you have someone who can help you heal from the past marriage and cheating H. Check the stastics on remarrying the same person. From what I've heard, not many make it the second time around either. And you'll just wind up paying again. The only ones who win now are the Attorneys! I vote move on with your new life and not have to endure all the pain a second time! LouLou

Almost:

Have you read any of the concepts associated with this site?

According to ALL their stats, what's happening with your WH is very common. In fact, it's more common than not!

Yes, couples get remarried and "Live happily ever after..." IF you are willing to get help figuring out what went wrong in the first place, and fixing it to prevent it from happening again.

I see you're getting "advice" that's all over the map. This is a Marriage Building site. Its strongest advice is to re-build your old M. What is your "gut" telling YOU?

Here's what *I'm* telling you: Your child/ren are always better off with their original, intact family (except in cases of extreme neglect/abuse). Your D is just still hurt over what her dad has done (understandable). This is why she is advising as she is. Hurts can be forgotten/forgiven. We all lie to protect ourselves sometimes (that's why I believe the WH lies - they don't know what else to do!), and the betrayal is all part of the "fog" they get themselves caught up in.
23 years is a long time to just "walk away" (I KNOW it's not as simple as that, but for my discussion here, I'm making it so), realize that a LOT of life has gone on in your 23 years together.

As far as this *new guy* - WHAT do you really know about him? HOW DO YOU KNOW he's never lied? To you, or anyone else? HOW DO YOU KNOW he's not capable of cheating, lieing, betrayal, etc. See my point? I'm sure you didn't marry your H so many years ago believing him to be a lying, cheating man of low morals! I'd be willing to bet there's a lot of things that could be fixed in your "old" M with counseling!

Start reading up on all the concepts associated with this site. You'll find links at the top of this page.......

Good luck on your difficult decision, and God Bless.