Just wondering, cos it looks like my vvvstbx is gonna marry his. I do want to stop dwelling on this stuff, but when there are kids involved who may become attached to someone who won't be around after a while....well, I am wondering.

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 05:06 PM: Message edited by: Nina too ]</small>

My ex is planning to marry ow also, i don't know, but i am beginning to feel all the statistics are wrong, it started as an affair and is ending in a marriage where they are raising my daughter together when he has her. it hurts so much. sometimes i feel like here i am alone, while they are a family together. I know i need to move on, yet it still so hard to let go. I think it would be much easier if OW was not the person he would marry. im not having a good day. sorry, feeling sorry for myself today.

First a personal statistic - I was a WS, married the OP, and divorced him within 3 years. Biggest mistake I ever made, although at the time I was totally infatuated and couldn't have made a rational decision to save my life.

A few things I have heard being here on the other side of the world, where middle-aged WH's marrying 20-something OW are common....
most of them don't last. I got this from my IC, who has spent years counseling over here and talking to both sides of the M - the WH and the BS. Eventually reality sets in and the WH realizes what is lost.

At least this is what keeps me going. Because like Nezi, I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself too at the moment. My WH has got himself a nice little family set up too, while I'm sitting here with my life and dreams destroyed. Must be New Year's blues.

Hi NinaToo! Perhaps my case is unusual, perhaps it isn't. But at any rate, my kids - at least one of them (the one in the Marines who I saw again last month for the first time in nearly 5 years) doesn't care much one way or the other. Also, (at least in my experience) every single child I've known never got very close to their step parents at all - it's like they just realized that their blood parents were split and so they just 'put up' with the step parent to get thru life until they get old enough to leave the house...
I certainly wouldn't concern myself about it, and Jacky, I got divorced nearly 5 years ago myself and I don't dwell on it, although I do think about it fairly often - it is a huge change of life from a way of life you've known for years. I was married nearly 18 years - with her for 19, so it was a huge change for me. Time does heal - but it takes time. Once I began seeing just how badly my ex-wife began screwing up and how life for her went to He*l in a handbasket, I knew that I had made the right choice - to get her out of my life because she was ruining it for me. Things are so much better now and have been since I divorced her. You will also find this - in time. Please be patient, Jackie, and things WILL turn around and work out for you. Keep the faith, girl!
Love to you and your dear children as well as to everyone here!!!
Harold

Jacky,

My ex-h married his OW five weeks after our divorce was final. They will be having their second anniversary at the end of this month. From all accounts, they seem to be happy. My father married his OW right after divorcing my mom after a 21 year marriage. He was happy with his OW wife until she died 11 years after their marriage.

I wish I could be more encouraging but I think these relationiships can work out even if they started out on rocky ground.

My 13 yo D seems to get along well with her step-mom. I have never met or seen the OW wife. I have learned not to ask any questions of my D that put her in the middle or are not easy to answer i.e. Is your dad happy? These types of questions are too difficult for kids to answer (How do they know?).

An interesting side note, my dad died about 18 months ago and at his memorial service, a woman who had been his counselor for many years told me that my dad often had wondered whether or not he had made the right decision in leaving my mom. He could never tell me this, in fact up until his death he was justifying his decision to me. After his OW second wife died he married for the third time to a woman who I am now very close to but he still could not apologize to me for what he had done to my mother even after he experienced what had happened to me by my ex-h.

Life keeps life-ing and you can either decide to make the best out of the cards you were dealt or continue to stay stuck. It has taken me two almost three years to recover but I have finally put my life with my ex-h behind me and 2003 looks like it will be a good year for me.

Pat

Nina,

My former H married his OW and they have been married for many years. At first, it about killed me that they were together as a family and I was left alone. Take heart though, these feelings don't last. I am sure you'll get to the point that I did, which is not caring at all! I use to wish they would divorce. Horrible of me I know, but I did. After a couple of years I really didn't care if they stayed together or not. It is a great feeling when you get to this point! You will get there Nina! Don't expect it anytime soon, just be comforted in the fact that your hurt feelings will NOT last forever.

((((NINA T00)))))

((((NEZI)))))) Hugs for you too. It does get better!!

About the children...don't fret at all. They will NEVER, EVER feel about a step the way they do about you!!!

Hi All!

I haven't posted in a while but felt the need to do so for this one! My now XH informed me a few days before Xmas (what great timing) that he is going to marry the OW in February. He wanted to tell me before he told the kids. What he really wanted was for me to tell the kids. I have a few thoughts (ok....maybe more than a few) on this marriage and my XH. I fully expected that this was the next step for XH. We have been apart since August of 2001. They have been living together for over a year as a family with her son. My 18 yr old only just met her about 2 months ago. My 14 yr old still won't meet her. He only went to Dad's house for the first time this past weekend. She was not at home at the time. I can' believe that he has made these plans without having my youngest meet her. He really is struggling with this whole thing. My XH says things like....."it would be nice if you met her before we get married"....maybe I am totally off base here....but it would have been nice if XH was a little more caring and careful of the situation that he put the kids in....patience....is important right now. I would think that he would bend over backwards for this boy who adored him. That's the kid part of it....as for me....I am ok with him getting married. I guess when I think about it, I would love for it to fail.....for him to hurt. But it is not something that I dwell on.......we were married for twenty years....it still hurts sometimes to think that he didn't TRY!!!!! BUt I don't think that everything is a bed of roses where he is right now. He hardly ever sees the kids....he was such a great Dad. He has told me that he cries himself to sleep and he is depressed a lot. That is because of his kids. Who knows...one day he might resent her for the lack of a relationship he has with two wonderful kids. Right now the big [censored] is on a cruise....just one more thing that I can be a little aggravated about.....we never went anywhere!!!! We never had the money!

Anyway......Sorry if I went on....At least I know that I will be okay with all of this mess. If he would have told me about this wedding 6 months ago....I probably would have cried my eyes out! I am OK!!!!

Good Luck to all of you!

Max

Jacky,

Well, my STBX just left the OW. He has lived with her for over 18 mths & they have been involved almost 4 yrs.

There are many reasons he has done so.
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he didn't like living so far away from the boys</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the regilous end bohtered him</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">as strange as it seems to quote him being divorce bothers him</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now I don't think he wants to work things out between us & if he did I don't know what I do.
But we have never divorce & he didn't marry the OW. Of course we will see if really manages to break with her, moving overseas didn't work.

My sons are happy to have daddy so close by and to have OW out of there life.

Some other posters have mentioned step children never are close to step parents. I have a dear friend who is a step mother, & her steps love her. Of courese she was not the reason for the divorce, their mom was the WS, and my friend has no children of her own. She has worked very hard to win & keep their affection and doesn't help their mom is a nut case.

Ooooooooooooo let me in on this one Plllllllllease!!!!

His divorce was final on the 19th of November.

The 18th of Dec made his biweekly phone call to the kids and I answered the phone and talked a few minutes while kids came up from basement to talk, asked how he had bowled, ask every Wed night, just something I do. xH talked to two of three kids, said for the third to call him back after she was out of shower, she walked into the room after talking with dad and asked if I knew when he had gotten married? Never did he mention this to me nor did kids 1 and 3, they thought he told me. I was devasted and called him right back and remmed him a new a-hole, How dare he tell the kids this over the phone and expect me to make it ok for the kids, that it wasn't my job to make him look good with the kids that I was no longer his wife, perhaps his wife would like to help him!!! He was coming on Friday, could've waited to tell them then, but wanted to do it over the phone so that everything would be ok with the kids by the time he got here.

xH had to take a parenting class with the divorce I asked if this was how he was to deal with something like this, all he could say was he screwed up again, I agreed and stated that he seems to do that regularly when OW is involved. The kids have never meet her, I can't even think of dating someone that my kids did not approve of!!!

He also e mailed his family and told them that he had married, his sister called him a chicken ****, for doing it that way!

Still am not sure what date he married on, doesn't matter unless the kids want to send him a card.

Is he happy? Am not sure! Is she? Probably, she got what she wanted my husband! and she still gets to stay close with her family as her sister and baby live with them, how nice!!! Everytime he calls now the kid is screaming in the background.

Will it last? I don't think so, I don't hope so!!!! How could something that she has waited 22 years for, he can never meet all of those expectations, he is too selfish.

My OD wants to invite her for her graduation, and I guess that could happen if her dad is paying for half of the festivities, I will tolerate the women, but if dad isn't paying I don't see why I should!!!

Wow, guess I had some thoughts on this subject!!! Sorry that I got carried away!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

x is engaged to OW. They told her kids they are M. They are starting their new lives together based on lies. still in contact with friends & her X H. The thrill of the A is over. X was a cop, lost that job over A. THats another lost, having sex down dirt roads with a M man in police uniform. X had a easy life, coming home sitting in front of TV, taking naps. Now her kids say he is mean, yelling.X & OW are seen yelling at each other. Now that her X has a girlfriend, OW is starting to show up at his home on his time with kids. Im not sure if she is jealous now that he has someone the kids love. OW tells girlffriend they are only friends, never been lovers with my X? what does she do with her engagement ring, take it off while not at her X home? Im not sure why she would say that, maybe they want the trill of the A to go on. Or its getting to her that her kids are around another woman who might be their new mom. It doesnt sound like the fairytail M X wanted. X said to me OW was the only one who wanted him and OW will not be the only woman he sleeps with. He will M her even though they both might not be happy. only thing he has left is his false pride. Our son has never met OW. Son will not talk or see dad anymore. Their M might not be what X wanted but he will stay with her until she finds someone else. X has nothing else to lose. family life is gone, lawyers got the savings, son doesnt want anything to do with him, raising 3 small boys that hate you, new wife that you cant trust, OW X will be watching his behind for the next 14 yrs to make sure he doesnt touch his boys. The grass is not always greener on the other side, if you were to meetX he would tell you he is happy with OW. ITs all a cover, the wear of keeping up with a younger woman & taking care of 3 young boys has made X look older.

m-almost 18yrs
d-5-02
c-13,29, 8gd
me-48, x43

ow-32
m-10yrs
c-3 under 11
d7-02

My ex married the OW (my old best friend) a few days after our divorce was final. They celebrated their 1 yr. anniversary a few months ago. They would probably bend over backwards to tell you they are happy, but their actions and faces tell otherwise. They are two of the most unhappy people I've ever seen, and although I will always ache for my young children, I am thrilled to be removed from that. OW marched up to her ex H, (she left him and her two young boys for my ex) and told him that my ex satisfies her in ways he never did, and she is so happy with him and so on and so on. I think she protests too much! If she was really so in love and so happy, she wouldn't be lashing out and still trying to justify her actions. My ex walks around with a scowl on his face and just generally looks miserable. I guess abandoning your 8 month pregnant wife and two toddlers, losing your job and reputation and self respect leaves a toll on one. I would guess they will stay together, and I would guess they've painted over their pasts to justify their immoral decisions, but I think it comes at great cost. I'm glad I'm not them!

Jacky, Jacky, Jacky!!

Please change the subject of your post to, "How many of your WS's married the OP and regretted it?"

How come us male BSs are second class citizens around here? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Anyway, after that fit, I can't answer yet!! LOL!!!

"Mine" have been married only since August. But your concern about what will eventually happen when it all collapses is one I share. In my case, my son was already very well acquainted with OP - and was best friends with his daughter. Now they're "step" siblings to him. So the attachment is already there. (Of course, he lost any attachment that existed to OM's XW, since he's forbidden to associate with her by OM and my XW - even though she still lives 4 doors from me and we're still friends. Confused?)

For the sake of my son, I sincerely hope my XW regrets it and it all collapses. This will be proof that what he witnessed is NOT the way to do things. I believe this benefit outweighs the cost of any attachment issues.

If you figure out how to NOT dwell on this, please let me know.

WAT:

"If you figure out how to NOT dwell on this, please let me know."

And if YOU haven't figured out how not to dwell on it, what the he!! am *I* gonna do!?

You and Nina Too have been inspiration for me in my "former life" here. But I'm starting to have doubts about the success rate of the MB methods (not that I've followed them all that closely myself, but I have followed others' for almost a year now, and I don't currently feel encouraged).

WAT.....er.....sorry! All taken care of now.

Thank you for the replies everyone. I am wondering about those statistics everyone quotes about second marriages failing. (Oh with the exception of OW...or new partner or whatever I call her after Monday...she is heading for her fourth marriage). Well I know a lot of people in second marriages, and not ONE couple has split up. Even my sister in law and her second husband....oh granted they are not ecstatically happy, and it doesn't look like a marriage WORTH him leaving his kids for, but....

So where do those statistics come from?

I am in a bad place right now, 48 hours until my divorce is final, mourning my marriage, but NOT the loss of my husband - strange feeling that one! I am just feeling that if my marriage had to end it better be damned WORTH it for him...and I can't see how marrying a three times already divorced woman can be a better future than what he had. Sigh.

Peace everyone,

Jacky

Just my .02, I bet if they DID regret it, some WS's might be to ??? strong-willed to admit they made a mistake...

You know, they did so much damage the way they leave their kids and ex-spouse in the lurch, so now their bed is made... That might be their thinking. Another thing might be that they are afraid to be alone so maybe that's why they couldn't just end the marriage, be alone to figure themselves out, you know, what they want out of life, THEN move on to a new relationship, etc...

Just the fact that a WS keeps questioning their decision to leave their original family over and over again, to me, means regret exists... When it's right you just know it, you don't have to keep wondering and/or second-guessing yourself.

Maybe your vvvstbx will regret it, but if he is all cocky about things, he might not admit it to you. He might not even have the nerve to back out of it beforehand even if he KNOWS it's the wrong thing for him to do. I don't know but hopefully if he ends up regretting it, he will have the strength and the guts to apologize to you and the kids and also forgive himself.

For me, if we end up DV'd, I doubt my W will M her OM. What's important to me at this point is not whether or not she'll regret breaking up our M, but whether I'll regret what I've done through all this. I sincerely hope I don't, regardless of what we decide to do.