The other day I discovered by accident that my husband has been visiting sex sites on the internet. A lot of the sites contained voluptuous 18- and 19-year-olds. <P>Discovering this has made me feel angry, jealous, and inadequate. I keep myself in pretty good shape, but there's no way I can measure up to the impossible standards of these porn queens. It makes me feel second rate to be small breasted. <P>My husband says it's no big deal and that it has nothing to do with me. He even reassures his love for me. But I disagree. I feel like I don't have enough to offer, so he's getting his visual needs met elsewhere. Then once he's worked up, he wants me to give him sexual release. I just feel like a convenient means to an end. His visual adultery is driving a wedge between us. <P>I know my problem seems trivial, but it hurts me like a knife in my heart. I've tried to understand his point of view, but I can't help but feel betrayed and put down. <P>Please give me your opinion. Our marriage is on the line. Thanks.<P><BR>

I know a lot of women get upset about that sort of thing but, in my opinion (and I am a woman), it's not a big deal. It's totally a guy thing. I really don't think it has anything to do with you at all, just like your husband said. Guys just like to look at that stuff. And think about it this way -- isn't it better that he looks at pornography than sneak around behind your back with another woman? Guys will be guys. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less or doesn't find you attractive. He's just being a man.

Oh, and I didn't mean to sound like I was putting down men in any way!! Didn't mean to offend any guys out there!

Dear Gusglor,<P>I disagree! While it may not have anything to do with you peronally, it does have a negative effect on the relationship. You put it quite well...your H's "visual adultery." That's exactly what it is and to say it won't affect the marriage is wrong, IMHO.<P>But the main reason it's wrong is because it hurts you!!! Your H purposefully doing something that hurts you is damaging....not only for you, but for his feelings of respect for you. It's demeaning you, no matter what he says.<P>If he won't/can't stop it at your request, then he has a problem....he may be addicted to porn. Can he look at these pictures out in the open? With you present? If not, then his hiding it and doing it in secret says alot about his motives.<P>This is a strong opinion, but it's mine and I believe it. The exact same thing happened to me. After my H left our home to live with OW, I found the same stuff on our computer....he had hidden it in a "scientificly named" directly....ha, good try! Once I saw that is was crammed full of .jpg's (internet pics), I cracked his password and got an eyeful....almost made me physically sick. I knew he had watched sexy cable movies before (even after I told him that it hurt me), but this was a surprise. Mad me wonder what kind of man I married. <P>Anyway, I deleted tham all the week before he came to get the computer (not like he can't get more). I told him how sickened I was to find that stuff and hurt that he brought it into our home. He didn't say much, but that's not unusual.....he knows he did it all in secret and that it was wrong!!!<P>Cheeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzeeeeeee!<P>Anyway, that's my opinion.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS If you are bothered by it enought to post about it, then it bothers you. He should address that or else there are bigger problems at work.

Thanks everyone for your input. Are there any guys who'd like to share their point of view? I'd be most interested in hearing their side of the story. Thanks.

gusglor,<P>I am a guy and I will give you my $0.02 on this subject. First, let's get a couple of things straight. Like almost anything, ponography can become addictive. If that happens, then it is no good for the marriage. Second, there are undoubtably some men, for whom seeing women unclothed causes strong attractions and perhaps causes strange behavior.<P>But let us talk about most men, or at least the men I have met in my 50+ years. Most men are attracted to the female form. Period, end of story. If a woman comes down the sidewalk in a skimmpy bikini men will look. They will look whether that woman looks like a twig, or is 100 pounds overweight. Now will they do anything? NO!<P>In my youth I have been to my share of strip bars, x-rated movies and such. It was mostly for diversion, curiosity, and simply because watching a nude lady was far more interesting than watching someone get sliced up in a slasher movie. <P>I believe that most men are wired to appreciate the female form. Indeed it has been quoted on this board and in many articles that current research shows that for the healthy males, sexual ideas occur in their mind about every 10 seconds. <P>Think about that. From my experience, I cannot vouch for the every 10 seconds, but it is very prevalent. So there is little wonder if your H has access to pictures and nothing else particularly to do he will look.<P>Now, let me discuss how this may affect him in terms of you. It is very likely that it makes him more aware of you sexually. It is unlikely that he is comparing you to them. He knows they are a fantasy and you are not. Further, it has been my experience that men don't seem to compare women the way women compare men or other things.<P>Let me offer you an example. If your H is looking at a woman, I will bet he is looking at the shapes, the lines, the curves, asymmetries in the body, all sorts of things that attract men. He is not looking at blemishes (yes, the internet doesn't seem to airbrush photos like playboy does). Women look at the details, the wrinkles, the sag of a breast, whatever. Men don't look for that in fact the differences are what interest them.<P>gusglor, I will bet that your H would much rather see you nude than a photo. He would much rather have you in bed than a fantasy on a computer. If you don't believe it look at the female responses. If my H doesn't stop looking he is in big trouble. What is the implied trouble? No sex. He stops.<P>Why because looking at women is born into men we are great image processors and that is how women attract men. However, that curiosity does not in and of itself mean a thing about you and his love for you. Further, if you haven't noticed most women are not Playboy bunnies, yet men marry them. We like to look, but we become attached to what we like in our Wives. <P>My W is nearing 50, to me she looks as sexy as when we married when she was in her 20's. Yeah, there is a sag or two, bit more flesh in the stomach, but I love looking at her. She is a woman not a fantasy. I could look at the curves, the shapes, yeah even the giggles for hours. Don't get much chance though. Why? She is very self-conscious about he body. And she won't believe me when I tell her what I am telling you. Isn't that weird? <P>I would suggest you sit down and have a serious talk with your H. But rather than critize him for his interest, just listen to him, or better yet have him show you what interests him and why. You will learn a lot about him and I suspect you will realize that he is very likely telling you the truth. It is interesting to see what one person sees that another person doesn't.<P>Hope this helps alittle.<P>JL

I agree with JL. If it really is upsetting, talk to your H and express your concerns. Men just like to look. My hubby likes Pamela L., and I think it is funny. I guess when I was in my young 20's, this type of thing might have bothered me. Now that I am in my 30's, it doesn't. I guess it is different stages that people go thru in life.