Deucey just called and this is his day to pick up son for weekend visitation. He again changes plans. Says that tomorrow he may have to go out of town to New Jersey. I ask if it is for business and he calls me a @itch. i said that in case of emergencies he needs to let me know where he is. I said that I don't care who or what he's doing (lol) but that I just need that info. And I would do the same. He then accuses me of saying that I would do anything to be in his business and can't I get it through my head this marriage is over. I almost laugh at him. I said that his privilege of knowing what I do was revoked the day he walked out of our marriage.

Then came the kicker. HE IS SO HORRIBLY LOST IT MAKES ME HURT FOR HIM. HE SAID THAT IF I DON'T SETTLE WITH JUST HIM, NO LAWYERS SOON, DO THIS THING BETWEEN HE AND I, THAT HE WILL NOT PROVIDE ANY MORE CHILD SUPPORT OR ALIMONY UNTIL WE GO TO COURT. We are still holding out, my attorneys, b/c he hasn't yet given us the financial information yet concerning him. How can you ask for child support or alimony if you don't know what a person has? He lied too much. He kept all finances totally secret from me for the last three years. I was a stay at home homemaker then who was lied to with the wool pulled over her eyes. Even when I filed for divorce after two years of his affairs he said, "I will always take care of you and my child". But he is a liar.

He said if I DON'T SETTLE HIS WAY AND DO THIS THING BETWEEN US HE WILL STOP PAYING US TOTALLY. The idiot also emailed the same threat to me. I hit the forward button along with a concise and clear description of the blackmail to my attorneys again.

I am so stressed out with dealing with this man. How does someone become a monster? Couldn't he have had just one ounce of guilt so that at the very least have done right by his soon to be x wife and child? I have had to pull teeth to get anything somewhat fair. And the numbers are still much lower.

Please pray hard. Pray for my peace of mind. Pray I don't panic anymore. Pray that God brings about a quick resolution to this torture I've endured for 3 years now. I want this over. He is deeper into sin and adultery and lies and is a total stranger to me. I don't know who this man is. I feel sorry for him though. Please Pray that God helps son and I and gives wisdom asap to my attorneys and that the law protects son and I. Am doing all I can do to just simply be a good mom now. He has left me with all the joint bills except for other house note. It is not fair.

My heart is racing and I am panicky. HE has son today. I don't know what to do. Earlier this year when he did something like this before, made threats, he then took our son and threatened to take him away from me. Blackmailed me again. But my attorney handled it within a few days but there is no price you can place on the awful and terrible emotional toll it took on me thinking that my stbx would take my son away. He is become a monster. I am so thankful to God that he allows divorce in such situations such as unrepented adultery and abandonment and abuse.

Pray that son and I have a bright new year. I will not live as I have these last three. It is time for us to be happy period.

PRAYERS PLEASE ASAP!

I don't tell x where I'm going, etc. and how to reach me. I tell him I will be out of town. If he needs to get in touch with me, he can call my mother or sister and they can reach me.

Did your atty not ask for alimony and child support ad litem, or whatever it is? It's temporary during separation and is replaced by the divorce settlement.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your son, peachy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

{{{{{{{peachy}}}}}}}

In Christ's Name!
<><

Peachy - I believe he is trying to scare you because he knows that you may find out his financial status and then he will have to pay you what you truly deserve - Try to hold out... I am definately thinking that after three years of this you and your son deserve only the best - and hopefully this will be the year for you... Try to stay calm you have done great this far don't give up now - Stay strong....

notpeachy,

Do NOT, under and circumstances agree to HIS financial terms. He wants you to cave in under his threat. Don't do it! Let your lawyer handle it. Make him prove what his assets are. You are entitled to what the law dictates, not a penny less and you'll need his financial records to know what that is. Do not make a mistake to day that you and your child will pay for for years.

sad dad

How does someone become a monster?
When they can't deal with their own actions, they transfer all of their bad feelings and actions onto their partner. In this case you. If he actually accepted what he has done, he couldn't live with himself.

I also don't have Pendente Litem (support pending litigation). Get it if you can. Even if you don't have full financial disclosure, your lawyer should be able to estimate it from prior tax records. Good Luck.

Hold on tight Peachy,

He has found that he does not have any control over you and now is changing tactics in order to try to find some form of control once more. He is scared, otherwise he would not be attempting to coerce you into settling between you both. And if he said that he would no longer pay, I would just say, OK. I know that financially it would be tough, but it wouldn't last long, because your lawyer would be all over him in a second. Especially with an email to prove it.

He is lost and frightened. I think that you are on to something, and he is afraid that you will find out. Just do your best to relax as much as possible. Which means, don't stress TOO badly. I know the feeling when your spouse is freaking out and the terror of loosing your child/children is all you can think of. But think about him. He doesn't really want to be responsible for him that much. He wants his life his way. If all of the sudden he was responsible for your son 24/7, he wouldn't be able to live his life the way he wants.

He is bluffing and I wouldn't care if he was serious. NO judge would allow that for more than 2 seconds before he came down hard.

Take care.

No, he is not lost and scared. . . geez, people, read up on your psychology

These are tactics that he has used in the past with family members, and has witnessed working to get out of trouble. . . . his behavior is a learned, successful so far, behavior. . . .

These are all emotional control tactics that are prevalent behind closed doors in dysfunctional families. . . my X uses them all the time, and as I resisted her childish, manipulative, behavior, she decided that divorce was required because i was "too independent. . . " meaning non manipulative. . .

NPIG, what was wrong with CLICK! as soon as he started in on emotional blackmail? remember, he does not respect your requests for plan b. . . TRY IT! you don't understand these people if you think that you can reason with them . . . reasoning does not work. . . neither does praying, so stop wasting your time and effort on a lost cause. . . and don't even give him any hope, by referring to your conditions. . . that just provokes the anti control response. . . . if you must converse with him, ask him questions. . .

if you watched last night's episode of Law & Order, you will see how those tactics lose out. . . there are always ways around emotional control through intimidation and belief that one is above the law . . . . . geez, that was a great ending. . . you must out think him, must play with his mind a little bit. . . by being unresponsive and non listening. . . .

good luck,
but enough with the afraid to hang up the phone. . .

geesys. . . CLICK!

wiftty

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 07:37 PM: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</small>

do you have a temp..financial agreement? You should, I don't know what state you are in but where I am they do it along with temp custody until the divorce is final. I too am a stay at home mom and had no clue about our finances. My h was saying his business was not profitable and I couldn't touch it. Threats too.... so my attourney sopeond:sp? the business and they have to provide all information regarding his pay and compensation and the company business plan...he was shocked when we did this.

Look into it. or ask your attourney you need to be protected....

christine

NotPeachy, I'm so sorry! You definitely are in MY prayers tonight. You WILL pull thru this on the other side - just keep hangin' in there. We're all with you and pulling for you here.
Peace and Joy coming your way soon - just be patient... Harold

Prayers and hugs to you tonite

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{PEACHY)))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Dawn

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Your post sounds like I wrote it!
BIG HUGS to you!!!...

My stbxH has played the SAME control games. EXACTLY!!!! I told him firmly that I will sign no legal document without an attorney!!! That must be your position too!!!

When my stbxh starts up with the projecting, threats, shaming, blaming, anger....now I just tell my attorney and let the law deal with him. I'm not caving in to him any more.

I wrote an e-mail & my attorney called this morning and assured me that I have nothing to worry about...The law is on my side, so he'd better start getting reasonable within the time limits or we take him to court!

StbxH is starting to find out the world doesn't bow to his rule. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Best of all, you & I have the GOD of the UNIVERSE on our side!! He's our defense and refuge in this storm! Hear Him whispering peace to you as He does battle! You are strong because He is within you!!

Praying for you,
Love, Renae

I just yesterday got a very good advice from a family court judge, who is my friend's relative.
This is not fair. But we should stop focusing on the fact that it&#8217;s not fair; we need to move on with our lives. We need to leave this behind us. She advised me that I could take a little less money for now, so he stops controlling me. Lawyers use a lot of this to their advantage. Layers love narcissists. The more he fights you the more money they get.

She also said that I could always take him to court later, but I will be divorced then, he will
HAVE to pay child support, and he would not be able to threaten me with the child custody. I am personally so sick of his manipulations, that I may settle for a few hundred less then he supposed to be paying, just to get it over with him. I am sure that G-d will take care of us. I am starting to see that we are lucky that we are still young, that we didn't spend lifetime with them.

And forget what he is saying about your son. This is pure manipulation. He can't take care of himself. How can he take care of a child? He is only capable of being a playmate at best. He knows very well his limitations. He may try to employ his mistress, but that will fail &#8211; she doesn&#8217;t need someone else&#8217;s child, it&#8217;s way too much work and way too little pleasure&#8230;.

You can't get a fair treatment from a guy like this. It's unfair that we are left, that even after they dump us they still try to control us. I wanted a fair settlement the same way you do. I wanted fairness and revenge. And I am sure it will come, but not from me. I have better things to do. Maybe it's better to spend all this energy on the children, work, or on finding someone who can be a real partner. All above would give much better return, then any bitter fight with this disordered person.

Try not to show him your fear. He will use it to his advantage. Mine always did. Don&#8217;t engage him in any conversations. I know it&#8217;s very hard to do, but it&#8217;s an only way. They always win in the argument, they are pros in it.

You should be able to get a good settlement from him. It may be a little less then you would get from a normal guy. The trick is to convince HIM that you are getting screwed financially, and that it&#8217;s him who is getting a good deal. See how big your legal bill is, how much more money you can get from him, and if it&#8217;s all worth for you. This is very hard. But we need to learn how to play their games in order to win.

good luck,

{{{{peachy}}}

How does someone become a monster?... Pray for my peace of mind. Pray I don't panic anymore. Pray that God brings about a quick resolution to this torture I've endured for 3 years now. I want this over. He is deeper into sin and adultery and lies and is a total stranger to me. I don't know who this man is. I feel sorry for him though.

I completely relate to your feelings. You've gotten great advice. Someone told me tonight after an Al-Anon meeting (because of what I shared about my STBXH) about a book called Controlling People. I agree with Wiftty. These are control tactics that have worked before and he assumes they'll work now. You feel vulnerable because of your son and the child support. Don't let him control your mind! You will be okay.

Thanks so much. And I do have a temporary order in place.

I was so not at peace last night but then about 2 am it dawned on me. And then when I got to work and read your responses it solidified everything. He is losing.

Reaized that it is me who is winning because I escaped this man and have emerged still sane and doing ok despite his attempts to destroy me emotionally and up until last year physically. I am the one which will make a good wife again. There isn't any garbage on my side. I am clean. I am all right. Son is with me.

And then I read the two emails from Deucey this morning and it confirms pretty much what you guys said. And it is somewhat of a combo between you FC and Wifty's assessment of him. Yes he is a controller, but his brain has turned into cream of wheat. In the first email, he says WE ARE ALREADY DIVORCED and calls me some choice names and blabs on. He really believes that. And he said that HIS FINANCES OVER THE PAST YEAR ARE NONE OF MY BUSINESS. He actually had enough nerve to forward that garbage he sent me to his attorney as well. I almost laughed hysterically. Of course angered beyond belief but nontheless laughing as I sang "Macho man" to myself.

The second email started off with the headline of "Let's Start the New Year Right". Guess his calling me a bloodsucker among other colorful expletives might not make me want to willfully submit to his controlling behavior. More threats but subtle ones and a lessened offer along with a plea to my caring side about how he is hurting financially with only $1000 left in his bank account right now. Poor baby. Some months there was less than $100 in mine.

I am letting attorneys handle him. However the only email I sent him stated that I will not back down in my plan B and I did not say otherwise. Any of that 1% hope that I would ever want to reconcile with this jerk is gone. He is, as they say in star wars, gone over to the dark side. It must be a really dark and foggy place there. All I know is there must not be alot of smart people residing in the dark fog. So I took before emailing the advice from my buddy here to make him think that I am in much more severe financial situation than he is and that I want to negotiate with him and come to a quick conclusion. Truth be known, I am doing worse than he is and have done much worse than he always has because he believes he should live like a king while I live like a royal maid with my primary responsibility as serving his son and bowing to Deucey's will. I will not anymore. And Wifty, instead of click, I do not engage him at all. No more phone calls, it has required me to only allow communications via email from this point forward. He doesn't deserve even that from me truth be known.

But I will face head on the financial issues. In the emails, he repeats over and over that he did NOT threaten me in any way. Wrongo. And he says he will keep to the original agreement until we come up to a final one. But this garbage he placed before me was $1000 less per month in spousal support. That is not going to fly. No sir.

He is hiding money. Big sums in an investment between he and his partner. He is admitting it in his statement that "his finances are none of my business over the last year". Thus something to hide. And I am sure. His purchase in cash of lots of furniture, exotic vacations, and a bmw 745i brand new with all being cash purchases confirms it. Con men like to deal in cash because they think it can't be traced. But there is always an account from which the cash came from. And he keeps going on an on about not wanting a trial because he doesn't want to "embarass me about having to show everyone how unstable I am and let the real truth come out". Just empty threats. I ended saying that it was I who did not want to hurt him and my life as I live it each day is proof of who I am and the depth of my character.

Thank you for helping me through the fear. Thank you friends for your prayers. I am renewed today. It is helping.

God bless you all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This has been so hard. Renee, I am sorry we share this struggle but having a new friend is a very good thing to have despite the origins of the friendship. Thank you very much. Wifty, he is soo controlling and I am not going to even do the click anymore. Just nothing except an email which doesn't have a voice unless he attaches one of those stupid sounds to it.

Let's all sing "Macho Man" together ok?

Amazing.. but singing "Macho Man" really helps!! It just makes me laugh out loud. Now, my secretary did have to come in and make sure I was ok, since I was laughing out loud and was all alone in my office!!

Isn't it funny how our STBX husbands (the ones whose behavior ultimately led to the demise of our marriages) are so righteous about all of this? Mine called this morning at 6am to ask me to be reasonable.. which means, not get my own attorney, leave our retirement accounts out of the settlement (guess who has more $$ ) and use the appraised value of the house, which he wants to purchase from me. When I told him that I needed some time to gather facts he became quite angry, and threatened to "Take me to court" -- I said, you go, guy.

The best part is.. after I hung up, I felt good about myself. I know that I can get through this with my integrity and dignity intact. I know that there will be plenty more bad days, but today.. well, the sun is shining, Chopin is on the CD player, and I am ok.

So, blessings to each one of you who, although I have not posted much, have contributed so much to my well being by posting your own pain and confusion. Here is to 2003.. may it bring peace of mind.

Found out why Deucey is being bad angry and mean. It is b/c my attorneys sent out to 23 different agencies including banks and other institutions requests concerning his income. He is madder than hell hence his threats.

And he is coming back at me now with I am so poor, I am so poor. The guy is acting like a pauper when he lives like a prince. He has since cussed me out in several emails, swore via email about my attorneys and my attorney has phoned his attorney who is holding his feet to the fire so that this man will pay his part of the expenses as per our temporary agreement between he and I of this summer.

IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY FAITH AND MY UNDERSTANDING THAT HE IS A LIAR AND MAYBE INSANE I WOULD HATE THIS MAN.

He is evil or is overcome with it. He cannot face the fact he cheated and abused his wife in a fault state. He is digging his hole deeper and deeper and has threatened via email declaring bankruptcy so I cannot have any money. I hitt the send button and sent that to my attorneys. That is really nice. Trying to declare bankruptcy and being so smart as to tell the world that you are wanting to deceptively do that via email. Is Deucey deranged or is he just really foggy and stupid? I don't know anymore but

THIS MONSTER IS MAKING ME DETATCH FROM HIM MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I COULD. HE IS MAKING IT EASIER FOR ME. EASIER FOR ME TO MOVE ON AND NEVER WANT TO EVER LOOK BACK. AND I AM NOT GOING TO LOOK BACK. Why? I will never have an answer to that question as to why he did whwat he did.

Peachy -

HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS

and stand your ground woman!

It will only get worse before it gets better - but it will get better.

I heard this today in my therapy session, and wondered if maybe you thought this might be true for you.

This is what my therapist said (paraphrasing here) - I know that you went through a totally terrible and tragic event but do you think that if it had been any less horrible that you would have been able to separate yourself from ExH because ExH is trully bad for you(she knows this after months of therapy).

I hated to admit it, but at least for me, she is right.

In the back recesses of my mind, I still wait for Ex to return although I have really come so far and detached myself so much, and the fact that ExH keeps doing stupid hurtful things helps me to know that I'm on the right track and that he is not.

I really hate that you are going through all of this pain, but continue to work through it like you are and grieve and get past it to the good and wonderful things that are waiting for you on the other side of this mess.

Maybe God knows something about us that we don't and is helping us get to the happiness the we deserve and that we may never have been able to achieve with our exs. Maybe He has saved us and allowed us to mot waste our lives. In a few years, when we are healed and in fabulous new relationships and are totally happy, I think we may see the wisdom in all of this.

But until then.

STAY STRONG!

And may God send you and your son some extra blessings and graces today!

K

Ya, the controlling, nasty, childish schemes, verbal abuse, etc. are unbelievable! Seems to be no end to his stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Well, he's the one who has to live with himself 24/7. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes:

-- feeling all that insecurity and anger,
-- trying to feel righteous while acting so cruel and evil, (UGH!)
-- trying to control the world (what a heavy load!),
-- sabbatoging all chances to have healthly relationships,(always fighting yet never winning)What an exhausting, lonely, sad existence.

-- no peace, no harmony, no joy.

-- trying to recall all previous lies as he builds the next one,

--sitting in a fog of ignorance, foolishness, denial, and shame. The truth is, he's fooling noone but himself and killing his own future.

--and one day he will have to give account of his ways to God--what will he say then? None of his covers will work.

I'm glad I'm not him.

God is delivering you and me from years of pain, oppression, bondage. Yippee!!!!!!!!!!! I am free inside me already.

((((((((((notpeachy))))))))))....
you & I are truly the winner in this, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes! It's a bit rocky right now but we're going to be okay, I just know it!! We've got our integrity. Anyone who can go through this is a winner! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />