It has been a while since I have posted. I am possibly days from signing the final decree but my family is pushing for me to get more for myself. I know I could get more if I went to fight in court but everything this far has been agreed upon fairly civily out of court. Yes, none of this is "my fault" (he had affair..said he didn't want to be married) but I am at the point where I wonder whether the extra fight is worth it. STBX has agreed to pay me $4500/mo 3 years, pay off a tax debt, 75% of credit cards, and I get equity from current house for downpayment on new house. I also retain my interest in our business for future sale. My mom feels I should get more years of support until my son is in school (he is 2 now so at least 4 years then another year so I can go to school) and more $$ per month. I feel since I was a stay at home mom and with helping to start and run the business I may have good legal grounds but when do you know it is worth it? She feels I am hanging on because I am co-dependent. I think there is a point where you just say it is better to part on good terms. Am I kidding myself? I just want to move on but am I being naive in thinking this settlement is enough? I am so torn between feeling like I'm being vindictive and just wanting to do what is right (keep a good relationship for sake of our son). I guess my question is if you don't nail your ex for everything you can are you being controlled by him still? That is what my mom is trying to tell me.

Hopeful in AZ

H in AZ -

I too was in your situation and decided to setle out of court.

Your deal sounds pretty good, except that he should be legally obligated to pay child support until the child is 18 years of age.

Do not settle for anything less on that point.

It is money for your child - not you and you cannot depend on dad to be there for braces, car insurance, school expenses etc.

Just my take, but I'm serious about the child support.

It should be at least $1000 or so for one child.

Look into the law on that one.

It's mandatory in LA.

K

The following was in a post about STBX blackmailing, but I thought the advice would be good for you (& me too). </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just yesterday got a very good advice from a family court judge, who is my friend's relative.
This is not fair. But we should stop focusing on the fact that it’s not fair; we need to move on with our lives. We need to leave this behind us. She advised me that I could take a little less money for now, so he stops controlling me. Lawyers use a lot of this to their advantage. Layers love narcissists. The more he fights you the more money they get.

She also said that I could always take him to court later, but I will be divorced then, he will
HAVE to pay child support, and he would not be able to threaten me with the child custody. I am personally so sick of his manipulations, that I may settle for a few hundred less then he supposed to be paying, just to get it over with him. I am sure that G-d will take care of us. I am starting to see that we are lucky that we are still young, that we didn't spend lifetime with them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hopeful-

My advice, if you haven't done so, would be to retain a good attorney and get a idea of what you might stand to gain if you were to take it to court. Any attorney worth their salt can let you know what the likely outcome would be. That way, you have some idea of what you're compromising in $ by not going to court.

Just as a aside, I settled my case and still feel it was the right thing to do, even though my wife was the WS. Like you, I didn't see any benefit AT ALL in getting in a nasty court fight. Good luck with all of this...

Thank you for the responses. I forgot to add that he is also paying the state mandated child support amount as well ($1200/mo) and that will continue until son is 18.

I do have a lawyer and am waiting to talk to her today but I guess even if I know I can win I wasn't sure if I wanted the court battle because of the extra bitterness it would entail. It helps to see others who feel sometimes it is better to setlle for less just to get on with things.

Hopeful in AZ

IMO, it is important that the settlement be "reasonably" equitable to both parties.

Having said that, deciding on what is equitable may be in the eye of the beholder, especially with people's feelings, emotions, and hurts involved.

I think it is wise to have a lawyer look at the basic settlement, to make sure that it is not grossly unfair. But, I will tell you what my attorney told me. He said that my ex and I have a choice of working it out ourselves, or getting the lawyers involved and essentially handing most of our assets over to them... So, my ex and I worked it out ourselves, and both walked away in reasonably decent shape. I have since seen a number of people who chose the other approach, and they are broke...

Bottom line is be careful with getting the lawyers involved; there is a good chance that they will take all your money to try to get you an extra $100 a week, and then declare that they "won" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Not meaning to be lawyer-bashing here, just speaking from my experiences and observations.

AGG

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: AGoodGuy ]</small>

Hi,

Can I mention something that came to my mind.... have in the agreement that he helps pay for college for your son. If you do not have the agreement he might not assist when the college bill comes around and there is nothing you can do about it. Also look at getting some of his retirment.

Really speak to a lawyer and a finacial advisor. You must always think of your finacial welfare.

Just some thoughts. Good luck.

Hopeful,

Of course I don't know all the details, but it sounds as if you are getting a pretty fair deal. $4500 per month is a lot more than a lot of people earn. In three years, you can try to get more child support if your husband is in a better financial position then than he is now.

If you go to court to try to get more, there are some things you need to keep in mind: 1) You will be paying your lawyer for every extra hour of fighting. 2) In most states, the fact that your husband had an affair will have NO bearing on the financial agreement ordered. 3) You probably stand to loose a lot more than you stand to gain. The judge could decide that your current agreement is way too generous to you and you could loose what you've got now. 4) I doubt any judge would require that your husband support you so that you can go to school.

I am assuming that you are young, healthy and intelligent. You will be better off in the long run to become independent from your stbx and his money. He needs to always help support his child, but by divorcing him, you are also divorcing both his control over you and his support of you.

Go with your plan to keep things amicable. Your mother is hurting for you and I think her advice is reflecting that pain.

Good luck.

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: fighting_spirit ]</small>

a friend 0f mine had it stipulated in her divorce decree that she gets copies of her xh's tax returns in the future so she can go for more child support if his income rises. He is in an industry where it's hard to hide income.

h promised us everything to be with MOW, it changed when he walked out the door. 3 months later H was asking for everything we had. Make sure you get it in writing. I talked with a new lawyer who told me guilt only last a few months. After that time they wont feel sorry for what they did. talk with a lawyer to see if its a fair settlement. Most dont charge for the 1st visit.