I was setting watching movies and playing games with kids tonight, and for what ever reason it hit me I still love my husband!!! I miss my husband, not the man that he has chosen to become but the man that I loved and pledged my life to.

The funny thing with all of this is that it really didn't make me sad. It's ok for me to love the man that he was, and that was peaceful for me.

I don't like the man that he is and am really very angry with him for what he allowed himself to do and how he allowed himself to hurt me and our kids. I am mad that he didn't even wait a month to marry the ow, to me that was disrespectful of me to do that, but then again I don't matter anymore to him, and that is ok!!!

I still love my husband, I am just sorry that he is lost to me. I hope that someday he will see what it is that he has done and how it has hurt those that he claims to have loved.

But I really don't have time to dwell on this anymore, I am moving on with my life, I just needed permission to still love my husband I guess!!!

Silly when I go back and read it tho!!!! Oh well!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((((((Dawn)))))))))))))

I could almost have written the same post as you. My divorce is final tomorrow <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , my vvvvVstbx has treated me like less than a human being for a long time, and was rather smug about his OW, (or partner I suppose I should call her as of tomorrow) when he came visiting over the holidays. Like you, I have known incredible pain and heartache because of this man's insensitivity. And like you I have had to come to terms with the fact that it is because I just do not matter at all to him.

Yet, I do have love for him, like you do for your X, but it is love for the man I once knew. Not this awful alien walking around in his body. THAT man, I do not know at all.

I don't think it is stupid because normal people like us cannot just turn off love for another when that love was genuine, committed and deep. It takes time to get over. It is something else you and I have to work through, but it is not impossible to get to a point where we may feel only indifference regarding our WS's. A day at a time, an emotion at a time, a tear at a time, a resolve to get on with life one more time....this is our life right now. We will get there; many others before us have, and are here on this board offering their support.

Love and light,

Jacky

What a relief - I'm not crazy! I too still love my stbXH. Despite all the pain and torment he's put us through during this past year.

So many times in the past months I've told people, "I don't love WH any more and I wouldn't take him back if he begged." And I meant it. I even convinced myself that we'd never been happy together and that we really weren't right for each other.

Then last night, out of the blue, an image of him flashed into my mind - I could see him so clearly it was as though he was standing in front of me. I realized then and there that I was never going to see him again. I was never going to have him looking back at me with that love in his eyes.

I lost it at that point. Cried and wailed and pounded on walls like I haven't done in months. I didn't think it was possible to still have so much grief stored up inside.

And then I realized how much I still love him. If my old H came back, I would welcome him with open arms. I guess it's okay to still love that old H, though, isn't it? Even though I may hate this new alien who's inhabiting his body.

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this. Thanks.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

Daybreak,
nothing I can add except DITTO.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{D & D}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I gave us both hugs.
Love, Dawn

dawn (and dawn, nina, & SH94), I've never been able to say I don't love my STBXH, at least the man I thought he was. But, I don't know if I could ever take him back, even if he were to get sober and beg to come back (highly unlikely since he's following a lifelong pattern, this is not new behavior). Too many betrayals, too many lies, too many broken hearts, and as he said, "too much water under the bridge."

Thanks, Nina, for the reminder that we aren't the first ones to walk this path to recovery, and we won't be the last. Hopefully we'll be able to give back some of what we've received here.

Lets Try. where do you live? You should have come to the get together in NYC. Your life and mine and WGTT, and Daybreak's seems to be such a similar path.

Drugs and alcohol. Satan's best weapon.

I do love my WH too, not what he's done. I don't respect the man he is today. At times I do feel foolish but as Nina said, we cared, we loved, and you can't just turn it off like a faucet.

D.

Hi all,

Am so glad that I am not the only one that is feeling this way, didn't really think that I was though!!!

I was feeling since xH has married that I should just turn the love off, that there was no hope in loving him and felt very foolish for still loving him and didn't know how to turn this off, like he seemed to.

But then I thought about the time that he told me that he was torn about the two women that loved him and I thought about that and that nothing had really changed, I still love him I am just no longer his wife, and it was ok for me to love him. I don't respect him, and I am very angry with him and hurt by him. But now I am the Other Woman that loves him, is this just to ironic or what?!!!!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daydreak,
I still love my ex, but I don't know if it's in any real way. It's more like "the way we were" kind of sentimental nostalgia. I've recently broken up with my GF partly due to the fact that she doesn't "measure up" in ways that were important to me between myself & EX. This may be unfair, but it's an indication of how long it may take me to be "fresh" in my approach in this area. New people bring new experiences, and comparison to anything else is irrelevant.

No, you are not alone in this. I have on occasion indulged in that kind of "flashback" fondness in memory. Hurts like hell to know it's gone.

muzohead

Daybreak
Hi! I thought that your post was interesting. I tell myself all of the time that I don't love him and I do not miss him. The man that he has become is quite pitiful. What I miss most is the FAMILY life that we used to have. The laughter and kidding around with our boys. Having someone to talk to...to share my life with....those are the things that I miss. I am not sure that I really love him anymore.....what he was...yes....now....NO...but that is in the past. I don't want him to come back.....and he never will......the wedding is in February. I like to think that I am doing okay by myself......for now. It's hard.... sometimes....it's a little lonely. I want to be able to share my life with someone! He has a lot of baggage that he is going to have to deal with or should I say that the OW has to deal with. At times.....I know he feels very depressed....or at least that is what he has told me. But then again....it didn't stop him from going a a cruise this past week!. These kind of things anger me.....that's what seems to happen now....anger. I can't say the words "I love him".

I am rambling. Sorry.....I just know I don't want him back.....and I want to slap him!!!! He still seems to know how to press my anger button.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: Feeling So Alone ]</small>

I haven't posted in a while, but this thread struck a cord. I was divorced over four months ago and am still trying to heal the wounds. I very much love my XH the way he was not what he has become.

Prescription drug addiction was a big part of our problems and changed his personality completely in the last couple years of our marriage. Since our breakup he has been through numerous women (his twins were born to the woman he left me for); he was caught with a hooker by office staff; he has legal and financial problems; he has mental and physical problems; and the list goes on and on.

We passed each other on the road yesterday and ignored each other. That was the first time I had seen him in months and it tore me up. The rest of the day all I could think of was the good times we had, not the bad. It still hurts so much that he could destroy everything good in his life and become the person that he is now. I cried last night for the first time since our divorce was final. I hope this is part of the healing process and I am not going backwards.

I like what Nina Too said about "normal people like us cannot turn off love for another when that love was genuine, committed and deep." That is so true.

Wow. So I am NOT the only one who still loves their x! I am so relieved. (giggle) You all don't know me like you know each other - I'm new to all of this, but I'm one who has never stopped loving my husband - I just hate what he's done to me, our marriage and our future. I love him so much and miss the "good" version of him so terribly sometimes that I almost pick up the phone and call him to beg him to come back. But then I remember how few and far between the good times were; how abused and neglected I was in so many ways; how much I suffered at the hands of someone who was supposed to "love, honor and cherish" me. It seems so silly to have care and concern for someone who treated me so terribly, that sometimes, I'm ashamed of myself for feeling that way! The cold, hard facts are that he is an uncontrollable alcoholic that I could not stay married to; that my "enabling" of his alcohol dependency had become so engrained in each of us over time that it became "natural" and impossible to recover from. (sigh) "Love" isn't supposed to HURT so badly!!! (Grrrrr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

Love the man I once knew. Now I wonder if that man ever really existed or if Deucey was just giving me his famous sales pitch for two years. And there were good times.

Ironic, for the first time in weeks, I put my wedding ring back on tonight. I just felt the need to. Then I read this post.
I still love my stbx, occasionally dream about him. The man he was that is.
I adored him.
My daughters adored him.
He truly had it all. Now there's just a guy who looks alot like him. And I rarely even see him anymore. Just as well, it hurts to much.
I guess I'll be in love with a ghost for awhile.
Nina's comments were so true. It's not easy to let go of a genuine committed love.

Love never fails. 1Co 13:8

gentle

I have to say Gentle, that I read that verse over and over and cling to it.

On Valentine's Day last year, I gave my husband a new wedding ring to replace the one he "lost" at work....I had it engraved "Love never Fails".

He never took it off until after he filed the papers, even when he was with her....

I know God is at work in this, but in my dark times, I wonder,...how can love fail??