As you read this, it is probably January 5. I am in bed asleep, and when I wake up it will be January 6, the day my divorce is final <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

I had massive trouble dealing with this yesterday but this morning I woke up with a sense of....well, I don't want to call it peace, but it wasn't anxiety. I have felt sad today, and have spent a good part of the day being reflective, but then I keep pulling myself up....stop thinking about it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Yet, how do you not think of such a day?

He is still in Melbourne but flies out tomorrow with OW, or his partner, girlfriend, whatever I should be calling ol' Clicketty Clack now. He hasn't even seen the kids for the past two days, nor called. He is so taken by her he forgets his children when he is with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I am mourning the man I once knew, and who does not exist anymore. I am mourning my marriage, the 'state' of marriage and the priveledges and honours that gave me. I was someone's wife, someone's daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, aunt to the children of his siblings, and now I have no right to those labels...and yes I know that they ARE just labels, and that I should not be defining myself on how others see me, but there it is. It still makes me sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

I have lost so much more than a husband. I lost my perceived future, my security, my trust in men, my music (for a time), my self-confidence, my appearance (gaining that back right now) and my self-worth.

But I gained some things too. I realised that I am NOT stupid, as he always liked to imply, I was NOT unreasonable with wifely requests I made of him, such as for him not to stay out all night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , I was NOT a bad person, I was NOT crazy when I thought there was something wrong with our marriage, and I was not the sole cause of this marriage's downfall....for in the beginning, we both were. But later, he didn't protect our marriage, nor had the inclination to really work on it, and instead looked elsewhere for whatever needs he had that I did not meet.

It hurts that for seventeen years I moved all over this country and world to further his career, and when he finally got to be a manager, it was "So long, Jacky". It hurts that he wanted our children and loved them just as much as I did, yet he could just walk out of their lives. It hurts that he doesn't care what this has done to so many people, my own extended family and his family included, nor what people think of him for doing this. Even today, I got a call from an old friend who had heard (and met the OW and didn't like her, but that is another thread), and could not believe MY vvvVstbx could do this. It hurts that he still cannot take responsibility for this....apperently he told the old friend Sam wouldn't visit with him and OW because he was being silly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

How do I feel after such a long time of anticipating Jan 6? Well, to be honest, some relief, that I am not going to be married to this new man he has become, for I do not love 'him'. But here are the more immediate emotions I find myself dealing with:

Pain, because he never wanted to work on it....told me ten days after he left that he wanted a divorce.

Sorrow because of what might have been. We had a great many plans for our future together.

Anger because I was never given a fair chance, either before, during the marriage or now, because I did not get the full facts of what HE was up to in his private times.

Confusion because I do not understand why I still love the son-of-a-*****....well the man he WAS, that is, not the man he became.

Anxiety for the future, mine and the children's. Will I have enough money to give them a good future? Am I enough for them, since he is out of the scene for the most part? Can I work full-time at some point, AND raise three kids on my own? IF I do meet someone, how am I going to KNOW I have a good man? (I really, truly thought I HAD a good man, folks...I still cannot believe he turned out like this). Will I be happy again?

Resolve...to get on with my life and try my best not to let all of this drag me down.

*************

So, I am going to bed. I hope when I wake I find some words here to keep me strong. I ask that those of you who pray, please do so for me today (your today is good enough, lol) and those of you who are light-workers or healers, please send to me. I think I will need it.

Oh, what am I going to do on the day? My good friend and I are taking the kids to a beach about an hour away from here. We will have fun on the sand, have lunch, then go for a ferry ride across the bay (Sorrento to Queenscliff if you want to look it up on the net) have dinner and watch the sunset before returning home. Sounds romantic, eh? The good friend is a she, lol. But she tells me she found HER peace there, and is so excited I am going with her tomorrow of all days.

I hope I find my peace there too....wish me luck.

Love and light and thank you for your ongoing, continuous support people. Without you all, I would not be able to face tomorrow. Thanks to you I can.

Jacky

Dear Jacky -
So many painful thoughts and emotions you're having right now. So many of them echo mine. I understand so well what you're going through. As I read your post, I was nodding and crying and thinking "yes, yes, I know".

It's so very sad, isn't it - all the dreams and memories that we will have to put away. And we never had a chance, did we? Yes, I know, I understand too well what you are saying.

But I don't know what to say to help you through this day. I haven't faced my own yet. I hope when I have to face it one month from now that you'll have some words of wisdom from your own experiences. All I can do is pray for you and hope that helps in some way.

P.S. I'm here in Beijing, same time zone as you - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow when I wake.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NINA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am not going to wish you good luck. I am going to wish Gods best for you. That is what God wants, luck implies that God is not in control.

Nothing I can really add except I know your pain. We have just started on this D process, but I understand all your feelings and maybe I can resolve things in my life before that day gets here for me.

Things seem to move a lot quicker in Australia than they doo here in NJ,USA

Jacky --

I'm so sorry. You have my thoughts and prayers as you go forth in your life. You have a long and significant history with this man and you deserve to--need to--grieve that loss. It's never solely about the act of divorce; it's very much about all that surrounds it and is affected by it.

I have a feeling I will be joining you in that grief in a few short months. All of the things you are mourning, I shall be mourning as well. You have brought home to me through your sharing of your pain the myriad meanings of my own loss. Thank you.

I wish you well. I can tell by your posts that you will make it.

Ammon

SH94 (Jacky: sorry for the temporary interruption) --

Have you heard from or seen anything of Stonewell?

She was back here right after Christmas and I posted to her then but she's disappeared. I know that you two are in the same country and that we had posted to her before her trip. She seemed so fragile...

Ammon

{{{{Jacky}}}}

My prayers are with you. I relate to your pain and often have since there are some similarities in our situations. I still have a while to go before my D is final, but I am already feeling the loss of "my perceived future, my security,... my trust in men, my self-confidence,... my self-worth" as well as the loss of family you describe. I recognize the pain, sorrow, anger, confusion, and anxiety as well. There's nothing I could add to what you've already said.

The day at the beach sounds very healing (especially from here where it's definitely not beach weather <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Hold on to your resolve. You will make it through one step at a time, hopefully, with God's grace, to an even better life than the one you had imagined.

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

Nina,

My prayers are with you today. I too head for the beach when I am needing peace in my life which is why I live 10 minutes from some of the world's most beautiful beaches.

I have not been where you are but appreciate your posting what you have gone through. It should not be that easy cuz if it were, the M didn't mean that much to you. It's the process that that makes us stronger.

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

PS Sending you healing light from the Spirit of God.

I'm praying for you Jackie, you and your family. My divorce will be final in a week, on what would be our 18th wedding anniversary. You wrote exactly what I've been feeling but couldn't put into words.

God bless,

Evensong

Nina,

My thoughts and prayers go out to you today!!! It is so very hard to have such a finalazation to everything that we held dear. It's not fair!!!

I did not know that my divorce was final, just the way things work in this state if you don't have to go to court. The judge signs it when they get the time. It was sent to judge on the 18th and she found the time on the 19th to sign it. There was a military paper that was missing and the judge needed to sign that so they didn't notify my lawyer til that was done, so it was a week later.

Actually xH told me, when I confronted him about being at apartment with Ow at 2 am. Said it didn't matter anymore as divorce was final on the 19th. At the time I thought that it sucked finding out that way. BUT after reading your despair and that of others am thankful that the Lord took care of things in this way for me!

God's blessings to you this day!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jacky,
My thoughts are with you, be strong. My divorce day came as a bit of a relief, after 2yrs of pain, so i never faced it with dread. I understand for you it has been incredibly difficult, but know that it will heal with time, especially if you accept it sooner than later.

Believ that you ARE much more than just a Mrs. , ..that you WILL make it, so much so that you will surprise yourself,( and impress all of the really GOOD men out there ). Don't be too hard on your ex in your heart...you are stronger in ways he would like to be...he has chosen the easy way out of both your pasts.

I have the same anger in me that you have....lack of knowledge of an unhappiness that may have been worked on...but then again, there's also no guarentee it would have made any difference. I like to believe that our ex's are now truly who they are, that for a brief moment, they tried to be something diffent for us, and that never lasts forever..

Just some thoughts
muzohead

Hold tight Jacky,

I am certain that this is difficult, and that the finality is both comforting and horrific in the same moment. I wish that there was some word of comfort that would help more than most. But since that ability eludes me, I just want you to know that I am here, pulling for your future. I will keep you in my prayers, and hope that the time of peace for you is hastened.

Muzo, that is a great way to look at our spouses. And actually, I think that I can see some form of truth in the thought that they tried to be different from themselves for our sake. There is no comparison between the person I see now and the lovely woman I married.

Take care. We are here for you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Sorry, Jacky, I'm going to take a quick minute to reply to Ammon's question re Stonewell:
AMMON : I was just on Stonewell's last post to see if she had updated. Nothing since your message to her on 12/23. I was wondering also what was going on with her. I just bumped her post again - maybe she'll reply.

Again, sorry to interrupt, Jacky. I hope things are not as bad today as you'd imagined they would be. Have a wonderful day at the beach.

Sharon

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs & prayers to you!!!

Kathi

((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))

Thank you for your wishes, prayers and encouragement for me on this day. It is 11.45pm, and I just got home a little while ago. I have had a really great day...can you believe that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We did as we planned, went to the beach, lunch, ferry rides and even dinner (BANG went the diet today, lol)and then we DID watch the sunset while the kids played in the water one last time. It was 35 degrees celcius here today, which is about 105 F. So we all got a little sunburned, but it was truly worth it.

There is something so calming about the water and something soooooooooo distracting about watching three kids have fun at the beach. It was the BEST thing I could have done, and I can honestly say that I did not dwell on the divorce very much at all. I was too busy enjoying myself and the kids and the company of my friend. (Who by the way is a girl I have known since I was a kid, but we lost track with each other for thirty YEARS, and found each other a couple of months ago through a schoolfriends site - and - she lives five minutes away from me!)

I never thought such a day could turn out so good for me. Right now, I really feel at peace. Accepting that I am no longer married is hard, but it is something I know I can do. Freeing and a relief on one hand, scary on the other.

Muzo, I think you got it in one when you say our X's were trying to be someone else for us. And you are right that they cannot keep up the facade forever...makes sense to me.

One thing really bothered me about today. XH was leaving Melbourne today, possibly even the country (I don't know for sure) and he never even called the kids to say goodbye. I had my mobile phone with me today, and I checked the messages when I got home, nothing. Hurting the kids (and it did hurt Sam, cos I got a call from someone and he was thinking it would be Dad) is just the worst. I know I cannot make him feel anything for me, but for his kids? He has lost so much, and I just think that is a shame. Kids do not forget that kind of stuff.

THANK YOU ALL ONCE AGAIN for being here for me. I know your prayers and positive thoughts helped me so much.

Love and light,

Jacky

Goodmorning Nina! Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

I just wanted you to know that we are here for you and that I send you a great big ((((HUG)))!

There are so many things you can do with your new life. He's the looser, one day he will wake up and see the mess he made, but it will be too late.

I hope that you will persue your own passions and make your own mark on this world. There is NO reason you can't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Jersey Girl

I should have said good eve..., but I'm on the east coast USA and it's early AM here!!!

((((((Jacky))))))))

I was going thru some personal issues this weekend (Deucey doesn't want to pay us anymore) and just read.

Peace is yours. Peace be with you. You truly did all you could. Now is time to lay it to rest. You are starting anew.

Your x is the loser now. He lost everything. And you are gaining everything. No more do you have to feel like there is an invisible chain around you anymore. You are free of this sin and of this emotional prison. God has given you so very much and now you can warm your face today on the beach with your lovely children and feel His love. He has given you a new chance for an even brighter future than the one you earlier imagined.

I am praying for you and the kids today. I am not going to write about x. Am too angry and am just for now going to focus on you and your starting anew. Love you and am so proud you carried yourself in such a ladylike and steadfast manner.

We love you. Are praying for you guys.

Hi Jacky! I have been really under the weather lately and so haven't been online much. It was with sorrow I read your post about the D being final today - however, I think maybe you could look at it this way:
1- someone else (MS. ClacketyClack) now has to put up with his BS and wonder if he'll stay true to her??
2- An affair is something like 'forbidden fruit' but now that he and MS. CC are together 'legal like' now - all the 'fun' is gone out of it - as hard cold reality sets in for them both... Wonder how long it'll be before he tosses her like yesterday's trash???
Harold

Good for you, Ms Nina Too! (gee, that rhymes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Please take care. You deserve to enjoy yourself for a while!

jacky,

just wanted you to know that I had been thinking about ou

Thanks again people. I actually got a good night's sleep last night, too.

They sure do work fast in Australia...the decree nisi was granted yesterday, and I got the letter, the 'Certificate of Divorce' in my mailbox today. Kinda made my stomach lurch to see that, but I am glad it came now, rather than have me waiting for it.

Found our from X's Mum that he is still in Australia, sightseeing in Sydney, yet no call to the children. He is so out there in his little fantasy world, and if anything, the fog is THICKER than when he left. Yes, Sauron, I know that the bit of excitement gleaned from being all secretive etc is now gone, and they must now face the world and each other as a real couple.

I don't want to dwell on it though, because he finally isn't MY husband anymore, and what he does now should not concern me (yeah, harder to get used to that kind of thinking I know). As long as he looks after the kids and their feelings, I will be okay. But sadly, his track record is not proving he will.

Soooo hot here today! I am off to my mother's air-conditioned house.

Love and light,

Jacky