I went to bed late and woke up early with this on my mind.

It's a belief.... that I do BELIEVE that God could restore my M or anyone else's. .....that God can restore M's thru many ways even tho we have our own will ..... but do I BELIEVE, am I ACTING as if He will restore my M? Cajunky never seemed to waiver, I have.

In church (in general) there are DV recovery groups but little in the way of M restoration. I have had Pastors suggest that I DV. One thing that was sited to me that a believer should let an unbeliever go if he so chooses, that WH has walked away from God and is basically an unbeliever at this point. It didn't mean that I could or would stop praying for him.

I don't consider myself a light-weight spiritually but this whole idea really is weighing heavy on my mind so I suspect that I have missed what God is saying to me or there is more, or there is clarification.

God Bless,

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong> There are a lot of little steps that lead up to letting go. Plus there are a lot of little ways that I let go. I let go of my expectations
I let go of my denial...etc.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WGTT - I hope you don't mind, but I copied, pasted and printed your list of "Let Go's" and taped it to a page in my journal. I have a new (if not longer) mantra now. Thanks!

WGTT:

What you wrote about "divorce recovery" in churches and NOT "Marriage Recovery" hit a chord with me.

I have always "felt" that we (WH and I) are going through this in order to be better equipped for a ministry helping others deal with the issues we are now struggling through. That will take awhile, of course, cause WH is still gone!

Also, once I reported to my pastor that H had indeed recieved "his" Div. (he initiated it, he wanted it, not me), his ONLY response to me was, "Well, then, God must have something better in store for you!"

EXCUUUUUUUUUSE ME?!?!?!?! WHERE does he stand on Div. and M/God's Plan for His People and M? I'm confused. OK, well, no problem, it's a perpetual state! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Having said that, though, as a side thought, let me get to the main point of my post tonight:

I am wondering what others think of this question: WHEN do you quit praying for some-thing/one?

Let me explain....I have been/will continue to pray for WH. BUT, I sometimes find it hard, ummm, almost vain to pray for WH. In other words, it's as if I'm saying to GOD, "Nag, nag, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah, didn't you HEAR me???? I want this, blah, blah, blah."

I'm not explaining this to well. Try again. Hmmmm. Someone once wrote that we should pray until either we get what we have petitioned God for/ OR we believe our prayer has been heard/will be answered, even if it has not yet been delivered so there's no need to keep asking.

I hope that makes sense to you all. What do you all think? Does that sound logical to you? I sometimes "forget" to pray for WH. I can go almost all day without a thought of praying for him......does that mean I am "losing" him? That I am not really "serious" about wanting him to come to the Lord/come home? I tell myself I'm at peace, that the Lord has given me assurances He will do this thing IN HIS TIME, so I don't have to expend energy on this anymore. But is it something else? Am I "giving up"?

I am confusing myself more by trying to clarify this more. I hope you can understand, and will add input.

Thanks.

God Bless.

lupolady,

There are certainly different aspects of prayer and how God works in our lives. When I read what you had posted, I thought about Pray without ceasing !

D.

Great thread.....As I read through I saw some very interesting comments and questions.

One comment that caught my eye that I must comment on was about me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Cajunky in his posts never waivered, he didn't put his WW down, he just kept believing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me say one thing. Yes I did at times but there were 2 things that kept telling me to keep up the fight.
The first was whenever I would get down or discouraged and think about giving up I would pray about it. God always put something in front of me to keep me going. It ranged from timely scripture out of the bible, e-mails from rejoice ministries, to an encouraging word from the people here on MB.

The second thing was I never heard from God to give up. I always prayed that if it was Gods will that I should give up then I wanted him to show me. I knew God would put it in my heart when I should give up on my marriage and he never did that. In fact my love for my wife never died, it grew stronger.

I viewed myself as the same as you guys except I was a WS. Where you hoped your husbands and wifes would change like me and come back to God and come back to restore the marriage, I prayed my wife would be like you and see the change in me and want the marriage to be restored as bad as you all want your marriage restored.

Lupolady said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do I believe that is "The End?" Nope. Why not? Cause a Divorce Decree by an "earthly judge" is just a piece of paper. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I knew the feelings I still had for my wife and the papers to me were just a sign of the end to the dirty marriage I had created.

I have said before, just like all of you are saying on this thread, that nothing is more important than our relationship with God. You can't change what your spouse does because God gives them the power of choice so we had better get our relationship right before God will bless us in other areas. All you can do is pray that God will touch your spouses heart in some form or fashion and allow them to see the love you have for them. I truelly believe God is convicting your spouses all the time but God can't make them listen. It is at that point when they finally give in to Gods convictions that they decide to change their ways and come back to the marriage. The hard part is having enough faith in God to know that he is working behind the scenes doing things we are not aware of.

My final point is this.I think everyone waivers at one point. Even the strongest christians question Gods ways and timing. Just remember if you start to doubt then ask God to show you what to do and he will answer you and give you something to back it up.

Love in Christ
cajunky

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: cajunky ]</small>

I just got this in my e-mail from rejoice ministries and I thought it fit here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> WHAT OTHERS SAY

"When I was learning to walk, my grandparents said, "You can make it.
Just keep on trying and don't give up." When I was learning to ride
a bike, my dad said, "You can make it. Just keep on trying and don't
give up." When I was learning to read, my first grade teacher said,
"You can make it. Just keep on trying and don't give up." When
kids teased me at school, my mom said, "You can make it. Just keep
on trying and don't give up." When I wrecked the family car learning
to drive, my brother said, "You can make it. Just keep on trying and
don't give up." When my boyfriend broke our engagement, the pastor
said, "You can make it. Just keep on trying and don't give up." When
I was in labor with our child, my husband said,"You can make it. Just
keep on trying and don't give up." When my husband was unfaithful and
left home, everyone said, "You will never make it. Quit trying and
give up!"

Why are we so ready to listen to negative advice from others about a
struggling marriage? The same people who have been a lifetime
encouragement are quick to pronounce a marriage as hopeless. We
have come up with out own "top ten" list of negative comments:"

1. "They have their own free will."
2. "God must have someone better for you."
3. "Your marriage wasn't meant to be."
4. "Adultery was involved so you can divorce."
5 "The kids will get over it."
6. "God has a ministry for you with someone else."
7. "Divorce is sin, but the Lord forgives sin."
8. "Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce."
9. "He/She wasn't right for you."
10. "I have someone for you to meet."

The bottom line is what does God say? "I hate divorce." says the
Lord God of Israel." Malachi 2:16

"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For
this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united
to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24

"They will no longer defile themselves with their idols and vile
images or with any of their offenses, for I will save them from
all their sinful backsliding, and I will cleanse them." Ezekiel
37:23

"Then the nations around you that remain will know that I the Lord
Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was
desolate. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it." Ezekiel
36:36

"...Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me
will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23

"Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know I will not be
put to shame." Isaiah 50:7

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have
put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I
lift up my soul. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground." Psalm 143:8, 10

"Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one
can fathom." Psalm 145:3

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love in Christ
cajunky

Lupolady asked:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WHEN do you quit praying for some-thing/one?... Someone once wrote that we should pray until either we get what we have petitioned God for/ OR we believe our prayer has been heard/will be answered, even if it has not yet been delivered so there's no need to keep asking... I sometimes "forget" to pray for WH. I can go almost all day without a thought of praying for him......does that mean I am... giving up"?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I hear here is fear (a fear I recognize) - and fear is the opposite of faith - fear that if we don't do it just right, God won't answer our prayers. This comes back to OUR will vs. GOD'S will. How much control do we have over the outcome of the situations in which we find ourselves? Will we be rewarded for "better" praying or better attitude? If our WS's don't come back to us, does that mean God is punishing us for lack of faith?

Personally, I don't think so. I think faith is its own reward in that we can live in peace and serenity knowing that a loving God is guiding our lives. Remember the song, "Thank God for unanswered prayers..."? That song states the obvious, that we often don't know what is best for us.

I just came home from an Al-Anon meeting in which the topic was GRATITUDE (I was the topic person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I chose this topic because I needed inspiration to look at the good in my life since I've been slipping into self-pity (again).

I didn't pray for my H to start drinking again, to have an affair, to be verbally abusive and threatening. I didn't pray to be diagnosed with breast cancer 4 years ago at the age of 47, 18 months after my mom died of that disease. But God was with me through it all. I have so many blessings in my life that came through both these adverse situations.

I don't believe that God caused these things to happen. I think the cause is beyond my understanding. "God has given us the faculties by which we are able to bear what comes to pass without being crushed or depressed thereby. Why then do we sit and moan and groan, blind to the Giver, making no acknowledgement to Him, but giving ourselves to complaints?" (Epictetus) This is a quote from One Day At a Time in Al-Anon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lupolady:
<strong>I am wondering what others think of this question: WHEN do you quit praying for some-thing/one?

...Someone once wrote that we should pray until either we get what we have petitioned God for/ OR we believe our prayer has been heard/will be answered, even if it has not yet been delivered so there's no need to keep asking.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like what Soren Kierkegaard said: "Prayer does not change God, but changes him who prays."

Praying for my (ex-)wife is a way of renewing my love for her, while simultaneously putting (or leaving) her in God's hands.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cajunky:
<strong>My final point is this.I think everyone waivers at one point. Even the strongest christians question Gods ways and timing. Just remember if you start to doubt then ask God to show you what to do and he will answer you and give you something to back it up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like the much-used illustration of faith in which a chair is set before you and you are asked whether you have faith that the chair will hold you. Faith isn't saying "Yes, I believe the chair will hold me." Faith is sitting in the chair.

I can't say that I feel any confidence that my marriage will be restored. Rather, I just choose to act as if that's what's going to happen.

The difference cajunky is your list of you can do it's were about YOU, your choices, your decisions, your failures or successes. This does not apply to another person, you cannot make someone want to be married to you. And if you continue to pursue them you are stalking them (at some point, after they have told you not to). Everyone has the right to live their life as they wish, and that means NOT being the object of someone elses desires. Sometimes people speak about marriage as a thing, standing for marriage, never giving up, and so forth. It is not a thing, it is the willing choice of TWO people, and if one says no, you have no choice but to leave them go, and the Bible is very very clear about that. Pursuing someone against their will is not love, is not Christian, is not God's will, it is human obsessive behaviour. One is not the arbiter of anothers choices, you cannot decide to "help" someone see the light (because of your superior insight, belief system, etc.)if they tell you not too.

Religious reasons for things are interesting, they are almost always expressed in self-serving ways, I don't think that is what God teaches us. I suspect most people (in marital issues) using relgion as a reason to continue to pursue someone who has told them no, are doing so for their own benefit (as a "justification" to get what they want), not for the benefit of the one who said they no longer wanted to continue in a marital relationship with you, why do you suppose that is?

As for those who advise us to leave the bum (etc.) regardless of whether they are right or not, they are giving us the gift of their less biased assessment of our circumstances...and/or acknowledging the reality a relationship is over, and that the healthy thing is to let it go. Whether something is actually over or not, or there is legitimate reason to continue pursuit, is a decision each must make for themself, but obsession is not a good reason, whether couched in religion or not.

Hey LurkingAbout,
The people here are wanting their marriages restored, and we encourage one another here.
We have love for our WS, love that God has given us, not obsessive love, we are trying to keep the commitments we made before God and man on our wedding day. This love is something wonderful that I pray you will one day understand. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The bottom line is what does God say? "I hate divorce." says the
Lord God of Israel." Malachi 2:16

"The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." For
this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united
to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:23-24

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cajunky has been a very influential part of encouragement to many of us here, and is showing God's love throughout his posts.
Please know that we are not 'doormats' but loving and trusting God for His perfect plan!
I understand that it takes two to make or break a relationship, but covenant marriage is of God, and as I heard in a song once, "As long as one heart still holds on, hope is never really gone..."
I believe that standing for our marriages all depends on God. I know in my own M, I have absolutely no control over what my H does or wants, I don't even see him, but God has made it very clear to me to continue to pray for him, to love him, and to continue my life still married to him. He has given me hope in so many ways, I'd have to write a book! (Hmm maybe that will be my next project!)
Being obedient to the Lord is the main concern for me, and of course my H's salvation. I want what the Lord wants for me, and if that means waiting and praying for my H for the next 20 years, I guess that's what I'll do.
I know that in the meantime, and whether or not the Lord brings my WS back, He will look after all my needs, and He will fullfill my life as He always does.
I hope and pray that you will be able to see through God's eyes and not mans. It's the best place to see from!
God Bless, SW

Lurking about:

Just wondering...Are you the person from GloryB? I am thinking. You had a similar name there if it is you.

And Cajunky is a good man. A Very good man. And while as Christians and humans we have our own free wills, we should also not give justifications to violate God's laws.

So in your opinion is adultery ok? Is sin ok? Or is just not being happy or feeling fulfilled a good reason for divorce? I am wondering.

I am divorcing a "bum" as you would call it. He was at one time a decent man who went to church with his family. Then something snapped. And I am not some dowdy housewife either.

What I am wondering Lurking About is your situation. You've posted to some of us here, but not given your situation. Are you here to build a marriage? Or are you here as I was on the other site reading (I dare not post there) to find out what we're doing to BUST ADULTERY.

And while it is not stalking what Cajunky is doing (his wife and he went to dinner and he genuinely loves his children as well. And he was the WS first), I understand the right to happiness and privacy. We here do what we can when there is something that can be done. And when I meet the face of God one day I know I will hear Him say that I did all I could do for my family.

I am happy now and am moving on. Don't predict I shall be single too long unless it is of MY FREE WILL.

And yes, some marriages DON'T NEED SAVING. Mine was one. But alot do. I've let my stbx go and don't ever want him back the way he is NOW. Should he in the future do a complete 180 and the man I once knew, not the brainless, spineless and hedonistic nutso that is present now, then I will think. But I am all into moving on and happily trying to do so.

To my other buddy here, I think that 6 years is a long time. You are aware aren't you that in one more year your WH is considered "commonlaw" in marriage to this woman? I know God is omniscient and powerful, but you need to legally consider this situation. I say this as a friend and in 100% compliance.

While I pray for all here, I don't expect all of us to reconcile. I know I will be stronger for my next relationship, whenever that is. And MB will do that for me.

Lurker, I do hope I am wrong about you and your motives. They just seem REALLY SUSPICIOUS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hers's some thoughts on lurking's post:

There are different views when it comes to affairs / Dv, etc. Tough Love advocated by Dobson and others suggests not to stay with the spouse who is disresepting the marriage if not repentant.

The Bible does say that he hates divorce but he did not say that it was not allowed in certain circumstances. (A's)

What I was questioning for myself is what is the REAL reason that I have taken the stand that I have. Deep down is it fear? Deep down am I listening to God's voice rather than what I think He is saying to me?

I think Cajunky is right, that all of us must waiver at some point and that's not a bad thing. It makes us look at who we are, who we are living for, and what we are.

Right now, I feel very disgusted by WH and really should be in plan B. It is more clear to me why the Harley's advocate plan b, cuz in dealing with WH, my love bank is draining to the point of being overdrawn. Having a business together has complicated this and I have taken steps to separate what we do, but it will take some time for me to build up my area.

Good thread! It's good to have different views - it makes us really think about our beliefs.

God Bless,

D.

Lurking,

You are so lost in your thinking that I feel sorry for you. You are one of these that given enough education you would explain away your existence.

There is a big differnece between believeing your marriage will be restored and pursuing someone.To think they are the same shows you have no idea what you are talking about.You can't put something down that you know NOTHING about.

I know several marriages that have been restored by only one person believing and praying for changes in themselves and the other spouse.

Maybe you should post on a thread covering a topic you know something about.

gentle

Hi Notpeachyinga, just a note on the 7 years issue.
We are still legally married, and like I have said in the earlier post, I'm waiting on God.
My H is in His hands, and I'm doing great.
I have no desire to have anyone else in my life, it is so full right now, I teach at least 50 kids a week and get rather involved with many of them and their families.
God has given me so many neat signs and the one I will never forget is posted somewhere else on this site, when I find it , I'll copy it and repost it.
I appreciate your concern though, if someone had told me years ago that I would be doing this, I would have thought them crazy, but living it is a totally different thing.
I also know others who are standing for their M for longer than me even! One woman I know 20 years! I hope I don't have to wait that long! Another 11 years now, and actually there has been some positive stuff happening in that one!
But like I said earlier, God looks after my needs, and loves me more than anyone else on this earth! He doesn't break His promises!
Well it's getting late, I'll see if I can find that post and get it on right away,
Good night and God Bless! SW

notpeachy...I am not from gloryb, I do not believe in adultery, I do not endorse affairs, hope that sets your mind at ease.

To all, cajunky posted something from rejoice ministries as a contribution to this thread, I commented on it, that is not ok? Obsession is obsession, no matter what cloak it wears. Religious fervor is no defense. My comments were about such fervor as applied to marital issues. People are stalked all the time, circumstances vary from horrific violence, to annoying fixation. The commonality is the recipient does not want the attention of the one doing so. Are some suggesting such attention under the guise of religion is ok? If your spouse leaves the marriage and tells you specifically not to "stand" for them, it is ok to still do so? I think not, nor do I think God condones obsession. He makes it clear a person cannot return to a spouse they have left if they choose another, nor can the left spouse take back one under such circumstances. The key condition here being the formation of a new union. So if we are going to be Biblical with this issue a person standing for a spouse who has left for another is violating God's Word.

This is not a matter of mans law and marriage license, the state does not determine the spiritual state of marriage, only the economic contract. The state of marriage is a matter of spiritual intent and of the heart, and God knows those truths about each of us. It is not for me to say whether a specific "stand" is obsessive, or spiritual, but I have no doubt religion is used to justify many wrongdoings. The notion you own someone cause you were married to at some point is quite troubleing. I suppose if the obsession does not include any overt acts of pursuit, or unwanted contact it fairly harmless (albeit unhealthy and in opposition to God's plan). Likewise "standing" for someone who has not actually formed a new union is I suppose a kind of choice, and that is further confused if the leaver has not sought a secular divorce. In any event, my thoughts are just that, another opinion about human and religious behaviour, and are just as valid as any other. Someone implied I my comments were specific to cajunky, I think that is an unreasonable conclusion, but to clarify, my comments are general.

stillwaiting, I understand your viewpoint, and where hope is appropriate I will not say when to give up, it is a personal choice. I will say though religion is not that cut and dried, and "standing" may not be what God's plan is for someone. My objection is to those who say one must always "stand" for a specific individual, especially if they tell you not to, and definitely not if they have formed a new union. Encourageing one (when appropriate) to do anything (including stand) is a good thing, but encourageing someone to consider whether they are acting obsessively is also a good thing.

gentle...There is a big differnece between believeing your marriage will be restored and pursuing someone.

la...I agree, that was the issue I was addressing. Maybe these additional clarifications will help.

gentle...I know several marriages that have been restored by only one person believing and praying for changes in themselves and the other spouse.

la...I believe that can happen.

gentle...Maybe you should post on a thread covering a topic you know something about.

la...I know a fair amount about obsessive behaviour, marital behaviour, and Christian doctrine, sufficient for the purposes of this thread. But I agree one should refrain from commenting on things they know little about.

Someone asked about my stuff, I have posted my circumstances some on various threads, if anyone is interested they can search and read them, I do not know where they are at this point. Mostly I just lurk, have for a long time, decided to post some on whatever interests me, religion is one such topic.

Stalking vs. Waiting. Hmmmmm. It is interesting.

And a good debate. If someone wants to be free of us, free of their marriage, there is a verse in Bible that says "if an unbeliever wishes to leave, let he/she go." Then it says for us to live in peace. We are told if we let them go, then we are to live in peace. Or possibly it could mean, that with the stress of living with a WS gone, then we are much more peaceful.

I took many classes on theology and went to a private faith based prep school for 12 years so I've had alot of time to ponder the stuff of the spirit. And I can attest that I am at peace now that Deucey is gone. I am no longer carrying his burden on my back. And it was heavy. Wondering where he was, what or (who) he was doing, etc. It was a huge relief.

I understand God hates divorce. We are here to promote Marriage and family values. But in the situations that are clearly spelled out like blatant and unrepentant adultery, spousal and or child abuse and abandonment, God gives us the peace to leave that situation. And he wants us to have that peace.

However, I think that we should give our spouses a chance first to change, as most of us did. And then if no change then move forward according to the needs of your own soul.

Nobody knows when it is time to let go except for you. But God wants us to be happy and live peaceful lives and full ones. Am I going to wait and wait when it is my desire to one day have more children if I am to sit back and wait for my stbx to change, to have God change him? It may not be part of God's plan to have Deucey change in time for our marriage to be restored. He may wish instead for me to meet a wonderful guy who'd be an incredible role model and stepdad to my son and an incredible husband to me. I just know I couldn't live with it anymore. Nobody should.

But to some of us who are resisting divorce because of their spiritual beliefs, remember this: divorce is man's law. A division of property. Not God's law. you will always have a spiritual bond with your former mate even if as I am feeling, you have other than that no connection or feeling whatsoever for them at all. So obtaining a divorce is freedom from tax problems, finances, etc. It could help you in the secular world. And also sometimes we need to put our situations totally in God's hands. I think more than a few years (I waited three) was more than enough. Gave Deucey more chances than he deserved. But I've left unrepentant Deucey to God.

With regard to the stalking issue, I have had issues with my stbx coming over or attempting to late at night as recently as two weeks ago. One thirty in the morning. To see if I was at home. During the summer he got inside my home and went thru my computer. I took care of that and it's never happened again. But remember, all we can do is positively encourage your WS, unless you are in plan B. You cannot MAKE OR PRAY ANYONE TO BEND TO OUR DESIRES. That is when we have to sit down and really ponder this issue: Is the desire to be married overruling possibly what God desires or has in store for my life? There cannot be one set answer here. I sure do believe SOME marriages will be restored but definitely not all of them.

What Cajunky has done is careful and very loving work. He's stayed away, been supportive when he could be, and a good listener. He has done everything (great plan A) to change the situation that was negative on his side. No groveling or begging wife, no stalking nor is he being in any way disrespectful. Plus as far as their time frame goes, it has been just under a year since their divorce so she may still hold dear some tender feelings. You have to weigh each situation differently. I know of one older couple (in their fifties) who are remarried. They divorced many years ago b/c of man's adultery. She remarried and so did the guy. Wife's husband died and his wife left him. They saw each other after church at a restaurant across the room and started dating again. Their kids thought it was hilarious. But they remarried and are doing great. As it turned out, they needed the time away for her to get over her feelings of betrayal and for him to change. God did move in their lives. God allowed the wife to move on and live in peace with another Godly man who was an excellent stepdad to the kids. Good role models. God allowed the husband to remarry and only hit rock bottom and find repentance when his wife left him. He had to experience that in order to become the man God wanted him to be. And in the end, their family was restored.

I think we should somewhat broaden our thinking as to what God wants us to do. Personally I don't know other than He wants me to be an incredible mom and uphold my faith and encourage faith in my son.

It is incredible. Last night, my son looked at the moon and said "God made it sooo cool". And I smiled. So my son has a father that is not living by most people's standards of a moral existence, but he is primarily with me and we have a good life together. And we have the necessary faith to KNOW IT IS GOING TO END UP BEING NOTHING LESS THAN GREAT.

One day using MB principles, I'll have an awesome relationship.

This is an interesting thread. Lot's of different view points and thoughts being expressed.

This week, through the help on some friends in alanon, I was able to clarify some things. One is that when I found out that it was very likely that WH was doing cocaine my will to restore our M was not there. As long as he is using, then I know there is no real relationship.

So, basically for me, our relationship is over as WH can't/ won't contribute in a healthy way. Now I must look at my choices to protect me and the kids. Basically that takes the form of finances as WH hasn't lived here in almost 4 years, he has not been involved in the lives of our kids except very sporadically and much of that impacting them in a negative way.

As far as finances, I may or may not benefit financially from filing for dv. However, finances are quantifiable so I need to look at them from different view points. Also, would I from a business stand point be in business with this man if he were not my husband. The answer is no, not the way he is right now. WH has more talant and ability in this field when he is straight & I admire that greatly. But, not where he is now.

I have taken steps to increase my income but they are longer term. If I needed to make money quickly I am not sure what I would do, but need to look at that and search out options.

Hope everyone is having a blessed week end

D.

GOD IS SO GOOD

Today I got fantastic news. In the refinancing of our mortgage, I found out at that one account that had been turned over to an attorney was ALREADY PAID OFF !!!! YES. That means that I will get enough to replace the old worn out A/C & heating system !!!!

I also figured out that I am moving forward I just couldn't identify it. Some of my revelations have come from my alanon step study and some from reading threads in GQ over the weekend.

Since I am not in plan A nor plan b, we have not filed for Dv, that doesn't mean I am in limbo but that I am in the detatching mode.

My other biggest hurdle was finances and God has shown me that He will take care of me. Plus, I am not just floating in this area either. I have taken steps to protect me and the kids, and continue in this area. Shortly, I will have the year end information for the business and us personally so that I can make a more informed decision.

This makes me feel much more at peace, knowing that I am actually going in a direction, that I do have a (loose) plan.

Thanks so much for your input!
God Bless,

D.

Thanks notpeachy for your inspired words:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">remember this: divorce is man's law... Not God's law. you will always have a spiritual bond with your former mate ...we need to put our situations totally in God's hands...I think we should somewhat broaden our thinking as to what God wants us to do...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and WGTT, I relate to your words. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as he is using, then I know there is no real relationship...Now I must look at my choices to protect me... As far as finances, I may or may not benefit financially from filing for dv. ...would I from a business stand point be in business with this man if he were not my husband. The answer is no, not the way he is right now. WH has more talent and ability in this field when he is straight & I admire that greatly. But, not where he is now..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The kids are gone, though his behavior was very harmful to them but we're still in business together, though he's had nothing to do with the business since he left except collecting a biweekly check!

Cajunky once responded to me in his weekly prayer thread, that I can't pray for marriage restoration as long as my H is using, but I can pray for his sobriety. My H too has stalked me in the past. He has also been terribly verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe God wants what's best for me and right now, my WH is not IT!

I love notpeachy's story about the reunited couple. Anything is possible, and I have faith that if my WH and I are meant to be together, that someday we will be. But, right now, as notpeachy said, I'm putting the whole situation in God's hands...