I go for mediation next Monday and my stbx wants to have a 3/4 split meaning that I would have him for four days and he would have him for three and then we would alternate. Does that sound reasonable? My Attorney seems to think that four days is too long for a baby to be without his mother. What other alternatives are better?

How old is the infant? Is he/she still nursing?

AGG

No. Not reasonable. Tender years doctrine tells enough of that. Judges usually yeild to this unless mom is abusive or impaired.

Says in a nutshell that a child under say, 10 should best be with the mom and majority of time. I believe an infant can go maybe every other weekend. That is it.

AGG,

My son is 16 months old. I classify him as an infant but he could be a toddler. Anyway, I haven't nursed him since he was born. He was on formula and now he is on solid food.

I don't know about the doctrine noted above, but the book "Helping your child cope with Divorce the Sandcastles way" has guidelines for each age based on a good father, average father, and poor father.
If I recall, at that age, the book suggests no overnights away from the mother. But then it's just one viewpoint. Maximum, at his age should be no more than one overnight per week, but also at least one visit per week for your STBX. Like a two hour dinnertime visit.
Get as many books as you can to substantiate your points. Good luck.

Hmmm, well, I may go out on a limb here, but I think the answer is "it depends".

If the baby is not nursing, then I think each parent can theoretically take good care of the toddler. I know that I was always the primary caregiver to our small kids (3 and 5 at the time), while my ex worked long hours at her job and was too stressed out to deal with them after work. So, in our case, it would have been comical to play the "mother" card when it came time for divorce (though my ex still tried).

So, not knowing how each of you parents the toddler, I can't say what the right approach is, but I don't believe that a "normal" schedule for a toddler fundamentally places a mother above a father. I think like newly says, it comes down to how nurturing each parent is...

BTW, notpeachy, when you say 10, do you mean 10 months old or 10 years old? I'm a bit surprised that there is something out there that recommends a mom to be a primary caregiver until a child is 10 YEARS old (?).

AGG

Hi Baby,

I think 4 days is too long also, but then again, I am the type of mother who would have a hard time with every other weekend. I don't like my chilren to be gone overnight.

I have a hard time adjusting when my kids go for a week with grandma on their annual vacation. Enough about my not adjusting. Grandma tells me by day 3, they miss me and want to come home. She tries to keep them busy so they don't miss me. They get homesick at night time. And my kids look forward to this weekly vacation with grandma. My oldest is 9 and the youngest is 4. She didn't take the youngest until last year for the first time. They have been doing this annual vacation with grandma for about 5 years now.

Last year, my H and I went down with them for the weekend, left them and then went back for the end of the weekend. When we got there, you would have thought I abandonded them with her the way they greeted me (us).

When my H and I split up the first time (only time so far), our oldest was about 20 months old. After he turned 2, my H started taking him for one night overnigthts, some nights it went okay and other nights he was bringing him back home because he was so upset to be away from me.

I don't reccommend it. I think it will be too stressful for the baby. (This is based upon my experience as a mom of 3 dealing with varying ages). I have found even at the current ages of my kids, when they have overnights at grandma's, if they go for more than one night, I am getting the late night phone calls, to please come get them. They miss me. They initially agree to stay, and then they want to come home. They had fun the first night, wanted to do it again, then they started missing home.

I would follow the suggestion of reading as much as you can, talk to your pediatrician. When your stbx would have him, who would be caring for him, stbx or stbx's mom?

To me, 4 days would be WAY too long, regardless of age. My two boys are 11 and 10, and my ex gets them every other weekend, THAT'S it.
He takes them for 2 weeks during the summer, usually gets them 1 week in June and 1 week in August, and it drives me NUTS!! I would rather them not go on that long of a visit on summer. They aren't crazy about it either.

When my ex H first left us, my middle daughter was 18 months. She didn't go on overnights until about 20 months, and then it was just one night. I was the parent she knew, as when we were together, ex H was always "working." But she at least was used to him putting her to bed once in a while. I was pregnant with our third when ex H left the final time. Our divorce agreement says he won't get overnights with my son until he is at least two. He does go with his dad for about 4 full days a month, and sees him every week for dinner. Our family therapist says he recommends 3, but I think in our case, with his 2 older sisters there, age 2 might be ok. (4 nights a month)

I agree with A Good Dad - it also depends on who has raised the children. The OW left her husband and kids to be with my ex H, and her husband got primary custody because he is primarily the one who raised them before the divorce. Good luck!

I don't know why women always believe that they can take bettter care of their children. Of course i don't know all your situations and the are probably all different but i used to take care of my daughter at least as good as my XW.
In 2001 she had about 70 weekly or weekend dates for her job, which included, champagne tasting, seminars, incentives in foreign,...
I wonder how i could have met all her EN's while she was away and me staying home,working and taking care of our daughter.
And now she acts like she did nothing else than taking care of her.
I'm not saying she is or was a bad mother, but sorry girls, I'm at least equally good. But that doesn't matter in front of a judge and that hurts like hell also

ME BS 32
XW ex WW 31
D 4 y
divorcing
and of course i get the blame

Boombastic, many of us talk about our experiences, not specific attacks on fathers. There are many good fathers here on these boards, unfortunately, I was not married to one of them. I was a single parent in a marriage for 5 years. H would complain about my business trips, I added them up - it was 10 overnights in a year. However, in his mind, I was gone all the time. Keep things in context, this is not an attack on you personally, and your prior experience with you own child should determine your custody. I'm in a custody battle now, and it's only because H's parent's are taking care of my children. He never has.

Hi BTL,

Everything is negotiable and you are negotiating it. I don't know what state you are in. It seems unfair that the person who is breaking up the marriage (your H, as I understand) should get the same result as the faithful one who wanted to preserve the marriage. But what is fair to the child? I don't think any of this is... but I think 3 days here and 4 there is a bad deal for the child - and if you live nearby, I would chose some other arrangment. In any case, whoever doesn't have the child for the night should get a brief daily visit if at all possible. At this age, 4 days is a very very long time not to see your Mom or Dad.

As I recall, your H and his Mom seem to be pretty good a pushing you around. Be careful here. Tell your lawyer what you really want and let him speak for you. Do do have a lawyer of your own, right?

-AD

<small>[ May 16, 2003, 01:54 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

baby,

I didn't read all your responses, so that may have already touched on this...

Anyway, I would need more information to form an opinion.

Is the baby close to the father? Close enough where he/she doesn't get upset when you leave?

Who is the nurturer? you or husband or both?

Who spends the most time with the baby in the past before the separation?

I know a few dads that make better parents than the mother, so each case is different.

My ex and I have joint custody. My children are older. He has them every other weekend, alternate holidays, he is suppose to take them one night during the week but doesn't and he has them spring break and one month in the summer.

If parent isn't that involved in childs life before and the child is very young then I'd want this...

Other parent could have the child/ren every other weekend, with one night from 6 to 8 during the week. Other parent could have child in summer 1 week for vacation in July and one week in August(which would kill me), and then every weekend during summer. Until the child is older.

The most responsible parent, who will not be moving all over the world should make sure of this...

You have final decision on medical.

You have final decision on residence.

You have final decision on school.

If either party moves more than 30 to 50 miles (just a suggestion) away from the other party will do the 3/4 of the driving.

Anyone moving more than 50 miles away will provide funds for all transportation or do the driving.

Both parents should have first option to take a child before anyone else babysits them.

Take care and hope that helps.

ANNA

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</small>

I found the standards a Friend sent me from the book noted below:

Food for Thought -
Here's the book I was telling you about. Helping
Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way,
M. Gary Newman. Based upon the "Program Mandated
in Family Courts Nationwide".

Visitation and Custody for ages

9 to 12 Months 2 or 3 weekly visits for
4 to 8 hrs each and possible 1 weekly weekend
visit for 10 hrs.
For Exceptional Parenting Skills: 2 or 3 weekly
visits for 4 to 8 hrs each and 1 weekly 24 hr
overnite weekend visit

13 Months to 3 yrs 1 or 2 weekly visits for
6 to 8 hours each and 1 weekly 24 hr overnite
weekend visit.
For Exceptional Parenting Skills 2 weeklhy 24-hr
overnite visits that are not consecutive and
possible 1 weekly visit for 6 to 8 hrs.
Vacation: (4) 2-day visits per year.

4 to 5 years 1 or 2 weekly visits
for 6 to 8 hrs each and 1 weekly 24 hr overnite
weekend visit. Vacation: (3) 2-day visits per
year.
For Exceptional Parenting Skills: 2 weekly 24 hr
overnite visits that are not consecutive and
possibly 1 weekly visit for 6 to 8 hrs.

6 to 8 years Every other weekend
from Friday after school until Sunday night, and
one other weeknight dinner and homework after
school until 7:30 pm. Vacation: 3 consecutive
weeks in summer and school vaca split..
For Exceptional Parenting Skills: Every other
weekend from Thurs night until Monday morning
(drop off at school) and 1 weeknight dinner and
homework until 7:30 pm. Vacation: 4 consec weeks
in summer and school vaca split***