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You stop by at an anonymous message board on the internet, spit out a few paragraphs full of non sequiturs, and then you get upset because people don't understand and say things you don't like?

It's good that you're reaching for help, I suppose, but you won't find what you really need around here.

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Lurking,

Point well taken, it may not be appropriate to label any relationship as being "flawed", since you could argue that any and every relationship possibly has some flaws.

But, I will stand by my message (without the label [Smile] ), that a relationship with a married man who has not yet dealt with the breakup of a 30 year old marriage is very likely to have some huge obstacles because of its very nature. That's all I was trying to convey to simplywaiting when she asked us for our inputs.

AGG

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To TheFeminineSide: Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I really had decided to end this discussion by not participating anymore, but your reply changed my mind. Your advice as to this forum is greatly appreciated and taken to heart!

As for your situation, I thought long and hard before I asked for a divorce from my husband. I discussed it with a psychiatrist, my parents, my pastor….and, because it was brought to my attention that I seemed so unhappy by my children, with them, as well. It took me a total of eight years to finally decide.

It is like a death in that you are never prepared for the ultimate outcome. Be prepared for that. Do all you can to repair your marriage so if you leave, you leave with as clear a conscious as possible. I do regret many things about divorcing, but still believe it was the right decision in my situation. If you come through your ordeal with that sense, you will make it through all the other hardships life will pose to you. The most difficult for me is to remain a good role model for my children while suffering the most profound loneliness. My son is in the Army and my daughter is of an age that she is ‘always busy’…..read that “mom isn’t needed ‘as much’…” It’s very tempting to date, but, I cannot and will not be the “runaround divorcee’”. Period.

We could have much to discuss…….

As for “him”……I have made a decision that I cannot put myself on a rollercoaster ride that could be debilitating to both of us. Using what common sense I can pull together in this difficult time, I realize by this forum that it is the best choice and shows the most love from me to both of us…putting myself FIRST and staying completely out of his life.

Thank you for such a thoughtful response…it is GREATLY appreciated.

To LurkingAbout: I have printed and saved your response. It was GREATLY appreciated, too, and you see from above what my decision is. Very sound reasoning. You communicate your thoughts very well. One thing that really struck me was your comment on being a “soft place to land.” I had thought about that…..a LOT. The rest of that paragraph was equally profound to me. Thank you for sharing.

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As for “him”……I have made a decision that I cannot put myself on a rollercoaster ride that could be debilitating to both of us. Using what common sense I can pull together in this difficult time, I realize by this forum that it is the best choice and shows the most love from me to both of us…putting myself FIRST and staying completely out of his life.
Great choice!
Perhaps not the easiest, but the best for both of you in the long run.

Many people come here and want to be told it is okay to do whatever they are doing "because it feels good or feels right" and there is no harm in it.

A ws will have a different story than the bs and the "other person" will only hear one side. Usually the bs has never heard ANY of the stuff the ws says until LONG after things go awry.

Emotions are so very strong, people will give up literally everything. Jobs, money, children, family, friends, etc. It''s very easy to get caught up in all of it without seeing it coming and once your in it's very difficult to get out because "it feels so right!"

Marriage Builders is about doing what's right for a marriage, not necessarily the easiest or best feeling (at the time).

Stay here, read ask and learn. Not everyone agrees, not everyone understands what is being said but almost always, everyone learns something.

[ January 09, 2003, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]

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quote:
Originally posted by simplywaiting:
As for “him”……I have made a decision that I cannot put myself on a rollercoaster ride that could be debilitating to both of us. Using what common sense I can pull together in this difficult time, I realize by this forum that it is the best choice and shows the most love from me to both of us…putting myself FIRST and staying completely out of his life.

Congratulations! I think you made a wise (and undoubtedly difficult) choice!!

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Thank you, GoodGuy and Chris. Because of my history with this guy, and because of my profound lonliness, I let myself get caught up in a fantasy, and I knew it. I just needed a push to make the decision I knew I needed to make. Thank you for your input and thoughfulness.

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OK.....here comes the hard part......I thought I was finished with this conversation.....guess I'm not.

First, I know I'm in a delayed PostDivSyn....I have done the research....sought counsel.....I'm finding that I am profoundly alone emotionally. I make a lot of effort to 'get out there'....to meet others and make friends....but, even though I'VE BEEN A GOOD GIRL and not contacted 'him'.....I miss him so much! I guess I'm going through the stages all over again, and it hurts. We've not spoken since before Christmas....I am truly trying to not interfer....And, I am resolute in my decision to stay away. Now comes the part of putting it behind me. It's just so hard........

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Georgiasweetie49...I just read your post.
I'm having a difficult time dealing with the fact that this D will happen in my life...never heard of PostDiv Syndrome....geez, now I have that to look forward to also??? [Roll Eyes]

Think I'll open another bottle of wine...seriously, where did you do research on this? I'd like to look into what is coming down the road!! Thanks!

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simplywaiting
I am not a man but I can tell you my father's opinion. He and my mom seperated after 35 years of marriage. He says he stayed in a loveless marriage for nearly 15 years because of his sense of responsibility. He apparently had many EAs in this time, but nothing longterm. He is not involved with anyone right now, neither is mom. Initially she was very bitter. They seperated because mom caught him in his last EA. She is OK now. My father was very upset at the time of the seperation although he was the one having the EA. I would also strongly advise you to stay away from this man until he finalizes the divorce. He will be in an emotional rollercoaster and that cannot be condusive to a good relationship.
Ruby

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Georgiasweetie49=Simplywaiting...ok? Wanted to change my name [Smile]

To BrokenX3: A really good site for reading is DivorceRecovery101. As with a death of a parent, etc., you will go through stages...and sometimes repeat them. This site gave me a lot of good information and also has a message board. It is about getting on with life as a single...not a victim. I found it interesting that your signature quoted Rascal Flatt's "I'm Movin' On"! What a song! One of my all-time favs,too!

To Ruby1: Thank you for the insight into your parents' situation. I very much appreciated the info and the advice! I hadn't been in touch with "him" for months, then one night just before Christmas he showed up at my door! Told me about leaving, etc.....I had started dealing with and was getting ok with the fact that it was over, and poof! there he was again. I'm resolute in staying away...but, what if he shows up again? Pray I will have the strength to say 'go away until you're divorced and ready to go forward!' It really set me back by weeks when he showed up...and I've not heard a word since. Go figure!

But...again....I'm movin' on! [Wink]

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How much of his difficulty in his marriage do you think was because of your emotional affair with him? Perhaps he was limiting access to his wife because he was having emotional needs met by you. Instead of working with his wife, he was being satisfied by you.

It never ceases to amaze me to find just what people will say to make themselves feel better. And it also never ceases to amaze me that when they look for agreement and don't find it, that they think that they are being battered and unfairly accused.

Come on, you had an affair with a married man. You were the homewrecker here, or at least involved in it. Perhaps his wife only found out about you, then asked him to leave. Did you ever think of that? I know you hear his side, but have you heard her's?

Lets see, how long should you wait? It seems like you didn't wait quite long enough. I wonder what would have happened had your husband done this to you 10 years ago. I wonder how you would have felt about his, "Not having an affair, or no adultery." Does it really matter. The marriage is no more. You were party to the breakup of a marriage, regardless of the 'unloved feeling' that he was getting from his wife.

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH !!!!

I try to understand, but the simple fact is that you became involved with a married man. There is NO understanding after that statement.

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I am sorry, I just finished reading the rest of the posts. I shot from the hip, which I rarely do, but I did none the less. I still feel strongly about what I said, but I see that you are feeling differently as the posts continue. I thought that you were looking for acceptance in your choice and was angry that you did not find it here. I apologize for my ranting, although not for my ideas.

Please, as someone that was betrayed over and over again, I guess I let your situation sit a little deeper in me than I care to admit. I have been excellent lately, and I think I was caught off guard. It is good to know that I still have to watch myself.

Regards

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My dear FormerlyConfused: Your apology is accepted. What I realized is that I left out a timeline, so to speak. I hinted at one, but didn't really portray it correctly.

I remet this man in August after years of not seeing each other. We instantly renewed our friendship. We talked of lots of things that happened to us in our relationships over the years. We've really had minimal contact,and most in the early weeks. Remember, we've known each others' families all our lives. I lost my dad in April of last year, faced the finalization of my marriage, was without my daughter for 6 months, my son went to the service, I moved three times (once to my mom's for a bit, wow! lol), my mom had an aneurism in her brain rupture in Oct. and barely made it, plus will never be the same, I started a new life and new job in July.....rough year!

I've seen MM 5 times in 6 months...as a support system. I know, I know...there's much left out...but, we've always loved each other...always.....timing and circumstances just never got us together when we were younger. I refused to see him at first, but circumstances brought us together. He has left his family before because of marital problems, but had decided to live the rest of his life sacrificing for them. I accepted that. I dated and tried to get on with my life, although he was on my mind constantly (still is). Then, after weeks into months of NO contact...BAM! He's at my door telling me he was asked to leave and that he was going to. I know he has had other affairs, none long-lasting. He didn't even have to tell me. I've not heard from him since that night before Christmas. Even his MOM thinks W has had an affair(s)!

So.....how much do I feel responsible for this? I contributed, I know, because one of the things his W told him was that he had 'changed' in the past few months. I have to deal with that between my God and myself.

I respect your feelings as you first posted. I do. But, also know that I felt EXACTLY the same way before I found myself caught up in this!!! All this has caught me by surprise...the intensity of that first look at each other, etc....it was just THERE. (If you know what I mean)

I am very ashamed in many ways about this, but also know that God will forgive me and carry me forward. I am making progress.

As for you.....please know that you WILL, hopefully, be able to trust again. I hope, for your sake, that you will. Not all relationships are easily defined. This has certainly set ME back by months in becoming a secure and happy single. I regret that tremendously!

Thank you for your posts....both the one filled with rage and the next. [Wink] It's ok. I've made my decision.

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