There have been several posts recently which mentioned "triggers". I suppose the holidays are a time that memories become triggers, or latent triggers are realized. Even though my H left over 6 months ago, I don't think I have actually had a "breakdown" trigger - that is, one where I break down crying and become an emotional wreck.

Maybe it's because I'm not sure what my triggers are... they are either so broad that I became quickly immune to them early on (New York City- where H met OW, or California -where she lives, or music–their "soul connection" all things heard frequently during the week) or I just haven't had "my trigger moment" yet. So I started thinking about other people's triggers...and I wondered if anyone might want to share about them. What are they, and how do you cope when they occur?

<small>[ January 07, 2003, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

avondale25,

To me, a trigger is some place, thing or song that reminds me of the A my WH is having with OW(co-worker). For me it is several restaurants and hotels they frequented in Chicago(where they work), that I have receipts of as proof of their infidelity. Two in particular is the Cheesecake Factory and Trattoria. These were two places they would go at least four times a month.
I think people react to triggers in different ways. For myself, triggers make the hair on the back of my neck stand up and every muscle in my body tenses. It's like I'm on "full alert". My insides shake but I don't usually have the total, "breakdown" crying experience you described. I know that other people do, which is why I say that triggers effect people differently. I've been going to downtown Chicago on purpose, just to try and overcome these triggers and take back the places I use to love to visit.

My stbxH and OW may have taken away my marriage and my family's security but I've decided they are not going to take away places I used to go to and songs I use to like just because they are triggers and remind me of their infidelity. My New Year's resolution is to overcome and conquer these triggers (which allows them to have control over me without their knowledge). I'm taking back the control over my life.

Aries55

ps. If you don't have triggers consider yourself extremely fortunate; you're not missing anything.

Hi avondale,

I think Aries55 stated quite well what a trigger is.

They come in all forms, and they can hit at a moments notice. Be thankful your not sure if you've had one yet or not. IMHO, you'll know when you had a trigger go off... there will be no doubt in your mind about it.

For me, some triggers can be more intense than others... a song, a statement, a place, an object, an action and the list goes on, that cause you to stop and think of your marriage, or the loss thereof... and all the happiness and pain that was associated with it.

How I deal with a trigger depends on the severity of it, as triggers are not all the same.
Some triggers will draw up more emotions from you than others. When this happens... I think of all of the bad things that my exW had perpetuated on myself and my children, and that usually quells the emotions pretty quickly.

I'm sure others can add some insight to this... as very few people are immune to triggers when they present themselves.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

The best info I can go on is most recent.

My husband told me today that I was wasting my time with any of his pat and what he could do with his present.

I have been married to him six years and today he called and made an appointment for a divorce.

What is the point at aall of me reliving in my mind any promises that he made-like wedding vows etc..What will that help???

I need to know that I can do this whatever it takes, cause I don't have him by my side.

It's so sad. How can anyone be so cruel and not care that marriage vows are broken?

Aries..thanks for your response. I think you did state it pretty well, and it appears you are dealing with them in a healthy way, "taking back control of your life".

Wallace...Always GREAT to hear from you! Actually, your comment on TL thread was one of the ones that got me thinking about the entire subject.

Ezra...Thanks for your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sorry your H is moving forward with D. You're right, there is no point in re-living past hurts.

Cheesecake Factory and Trattoria

Fitting places for OM to take WS on dates, huh?