</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by newly:
<strong>GDP - It's no wonder why our M's failed, now that we see our ex's lack of communication.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, in my case the lack of communication came after my wife left me. In order to justify her desertion, she needed to see me as a monster. Thus, when I behaved in a manner that threatened her self-delusion (e.g. by my attempts to cooperate on the divorce), she had to cut off all contact entirely in order to prevent her whole house of cards from collapsing.

In other words, she needed to pick a fight, and when I didn't give her anything to fight over, she had to construct a simulacrum who would. The end result is that she made her own tar baby.

Only, I'm the one who gets to pay the bills...

Wow! You guys are scaring me (especially Gnomede Plume!).

I haven't even filed yet, but I've done my research and selected my lawyer. Here in NJ, they all want an intial retainer for around $3,000. Since I will be claiming mental cruelty and adultery, I'm willing to bet I'll be spending a lot more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

We have a few other NJ people here on the boards. I'm in Hunterdon County. Write me if you want to talk offline: mcelros@yahoo.com

Cost of my divorce came to approx. $11,000.00

It was uncontested and their wasn't a child custody issue... I got all three of my kids.

Contempt of Court cost: exW on CS payments
Cost: Unknown... it's just beginning.

Total cost of my divorce and to my family:
There isn't enough money around to put a price on it.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

MIne should end up about $2000.
Totally uncontested, I got everything including kids with no visitation.
Divorced almost one year and she doesn't know it yet.

It cost that much because my lawyer is CLUELESS!!!

My 1st dv cost me nearly $5K...It was a marathon, too. Still pales in comparison to Jim's (NSR) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .

2nd dv will run each of us only $250/each...CLear cut, done deal. No children! The only thing that has to take place is for W to apply for H in her name, solely.

In Christ's Name!
<><

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Like Water For Chocolate:
<strong>We are set for pre-trial for tommorow because last time we tried to settle, my attorney prepared the settlement agreement and had added in there that H will have to pay 25% of his bonuses for child support. H and his attorney deny that he recieves bonuses and according to them thats why he wont settle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmm. If he doesn't receive bonuses, then why would he object to paying 25% of nothing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So my attorney said I shouldn't give in. What do you guys think( for those who are famililar with the whole process, because I am certanly not)? Will this end up costing me a ton?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it will end up costing you a ton. Every step of the way, you have to ask yourself whether it will cost you more to settle for something absurd, or to fight. In my own case, I believe that if it had been possible for me to get a fair trial, I would have ended up paying my wife at least $20,000 less. But the trial itself would have cost me at least $20,000, with appeals and obstructions very likely after that. So I cut my losses when the settlement "negotiations" descended into the realm of what I believed was possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Always Hopeful:
<strong>Wow! You guys are scaring me (especially Gnomede Plume!).

I haven't even filed yet, but I've done my research and selected my lawyer. Here in NJ, they all want an intial retainer for around $3,000. Since I will be claiming mental cruelty and adultery, I'm willing to bet I'll be spending a lot more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should be scared. It is not at all unusual for divorce costs to hit six figures - several times over - when there is a custody battle or a significant property dispute, and/or when one or both parties decide to fight just for the sake of fighting.

It is quite common for bankruptcy to follow on the heels of divorce, and I was very concerned that I was headed down that path myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:
Hmm. If he doesn't receive bonuses, then why would he object to paying 25% of nothing?[/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My point exactly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:I think it will end up costing you a ton. Every step of the way, you have to ask yourself whether it will cost you more to settle for something absurd, or to fight. ?[/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is, how can I give up now if he is asking for 1/2 of the house, which is in my mother's name, where he only paid rent for a total of maybe 15 months? And he wants 1/2 of my pension.

P.S. Do you speak French?

I spent $4000 on MB phone coaching over a period of about 8 months and another $1500 on court ordered counseling with the goal of determining if reconciliation was possible.

I filed in May and I've just about spent the same amount on the divorce proceedings as I did on coaching an counseling ($5500) and another $2750 on custody evaluation. No wonder I can't save anything. I'm not sure how much more I'll have to spend before this is finalized. I had to split the bank accounts when I filed so my W has not paid for anything since then. In fact, she hasn't contributed to household or any other expenses, including her car repairs, since I filed even though she has a part-time job.

They say your home is your most expensive investment? No, I'd say your marriage is. Treat it like that.

HoFS

Uncontested divorce with no children in TX. Started with a $750 retainer and got it done for less than $1000 total (and less than 6 months from filing to final).

In NJ, the lawyers present their case to an early settlement panel (ESP) where two lawyers determine how they think the judge will rule.
I don't think he'll get 1/2 of a house you had previously.

In my case, my H had a business for 18 years now. For 6 - 7 years, I worked on alot of his business stuff, contracts, checks, tax issues, etc. Now he's claiming the business is premarital. Sales doubled in the time I helped him. All I'm trying to get is 1/2 of the appreciation in the business, not his whole business. While I paid house bills, he just kept buying new toys for his business, yet he doesnt' think that is marital property.
The longer this goes on, the happier I am to be out of that rat race I didn't understand.

I don't even like to think about how much my divorce cost. Let's just say that I think I would have financially been ahead if I had asked my attorney, at the beginning of my divorce negotiations, what color and features he would like on his new 3 series Beemer - and we did not even go to trial! I knew I was in for a battle when my exH, in his initial settlement offer to me, wanted 50% of our daughter's college fund.

Good luck!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Like Water For Chocolate:
<strong>The problem is, how can I give up now if he is asking for 1/2 of the house, which is in my mother's name, where he only paid rent for a total of maybe 15 months? And he wants 1/2 of my pension.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that is the problem. What if your spouse demands the impossible (such as demanding something you don't even own, like your mother's house)? You have no choice then except to be dragged through the court process, even if it eventually bankrupts you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>P.S. Do you speak French?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Non. Je ne parle pas francais, mais j'identifie quelques mots.

My wife and I have been separated for nearly two years. We have two daughters, ages 11 and 16. She moved out into a rental in the same town so we could make our own custody arrangements. The girls are with me one week and her the next.

Everything we have done has always been in full agreement with each other, about as close as you can get to POJA when your spouse is seeing someone else. We never fight about money, have always been able to co-ordinate holiday and other special arrangements.

For crying out loud, we still went to each other's place for Christmas!

Yet the two years of Plan A (way too long!) are taking its toll. SH has suggested for months that I file and not to hold back when I do. He also has advised me NOT to inform my WW ahead of time. He claims the effect will be totally different. I'm not sure if he believes this might snap her out of it, but I know if I file I must be prepared to go through with it.

My dilemma is not telling her ahead of time. We have worked so well on the separation arrangements. My lawyer has told me that any judge would look at our setup and likely rule that we continue as close as possible to it. In other words, no custody issues.

A divorce filing by myself that would include mental cruelty and adultery would likely triple the cost (or more). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am reading this, and realize that what God is seeing, he is probably pulling his hair out, tears are falling as big as golf balls <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and his eyes are buldging out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Yes, we are going through a divorce, and yes ours is costing plenty too! If most of the WS's would of looked at what they had done, and looked at their spouses and committed to their vows, we all could of saved plenty of $$$, heartache, pain, anger, betrayal, lies, and each other. Families are torn apart, and there is so much pain!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know for sure, that I am still in love with my husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . The song by Daniel Bedingfield posted on GQII by Porsche911 says it all.

(If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed? If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head? If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life? If you're not for me then why do I dream as you as my wife?)

(I don't know why you're so far away, But I know that this much is true, We'll make it through, And I hope you are the one I share my life with And I wish that you could be the one I die with, And I pray that you're the one I build my life with I hope I love you all my life.)

There is more, so true, and so deep to our hearts.

What we call rational grounds for our beliefs are often extremely irrational attempts to justify our instincts. quoted by Thomas Huxley

This is a really depressing thread. To see all the money that these lawyers are making at the expense of families being torn, women being left to survive for themselves with children, women being physically hurt, men betrayed by their wives and mothers of their children, on and on. Makes my heart ache and I will pray for guidance for all of us. Wishing that God would end this devilish act of divorce. This is only Satans work, not Gods work. The bible no where says DIVORCE is okay <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . My opinion.

Amen to that!

It is sad to see how much has been spent on divorce. I had free legal help. I would not have had to pay for anything and had good legal advise.

I started all the court dates after my husband filed. I hated the time in court. I cried out ot God and was lead not to show up for my pretrail date. I let my attorney go and said I would not be needing legal counsel. Praise God, that was almost three years ago and I am still not divorced.

Yes, I lost our home by not making my husband pay his share, but God has provided for me every since. I have a nice three bedroom home that I do not pay rent on. I work only 20 hours a week and have a good living. My children do not want for anything. Yes, I have trails and I give them to God and in His time and way He works them out.

I truly believe God has blessed me because I was obedient to what He told me to do as far as the divorce was concerned. I gave it to Him and I trusted what He did and is doing with my marriage and life.I try to do good toward my husband and not evil, no matter what my husband is doing.
For we are not to return evil with evil or insult with insult.

I am telling this to say that there is another way to dealing with divorce. I know many of you will disagree with me and that is alright. God has provided for me beyond what any court could have ever done.I am in awe of all He has done for me and my family. I could write a book on the many blessings and answers to prayers I have recieved. I am no different from anyone else. I just listened to God and His word and did it His way not the worlds way. His way is a narrow road and it is hard to follow.

What is really sad is the amount of money spent on counseling and still divorcing.

The counsel I received was free.

gentle

Gentle, good for you. That is gracious of you to share your trust in the Lord. I am trying to do that, but seems it is too late. My WH is still pressuring, and blaming me for his extramarital affair. I am not to blame, and was told that today. I stayed with my vows, and was committed to my H. But he was not committed to me.

I talked with my therapist today, and we prayed. I called my pastor today, and we prayed. I am praying that my WH will come forth and admit his sins, and ask for forgiveness. I have told the therapist my sins, and asked for forgiveness today. My pastor already knows. I have never committed adultery in my marriage, but I did other things that caused SNL to feel bad. We all are human, and we that have faith and trust in our Lord, need to give this all to God. I am trying, and getting closer.

My fellowship at church is helping, and to have someone to talk to almost everynight, is helping. I need to talk, and to vent, and to pray with someone. So that is my outreach. I need human interaction.

All that Divorce gives, is $$$$ to the lawyers, and the couples and their familiies are the ones that get hurt severely. I know, I see my kids getting torn, and hurt, and they are showing their anger in many ways. WH doesn't see it, but I do, since I live here with them. WH thinks everything is fine, according to the counselors and the Harleys here, and anyone else, all have said our kids are going to suffer severely.

Glad your divorce is on hold, and you are living a good healthy life. Good for your kids, and you. I praise you and ask God to help me get him totally in my heart. Thank you Gentle.

This thread is both informative and terrifing at the same time. For those of you with the sad experience of having gone through this, if you file in a no fault state, but one clause shows fault because of "indignities" (adultry I can prove) does this do anything to the bottom line settlement? Has anyone who has been down this miserable path have any input on this? When I answered his petition, I agreed with no fault in everything but this. He was very angry, DENIED everything, does not want to give me temp support, health insurance and because he has been out of work for the last 9 months, and will appeal any decision made by the court to do so.
Meantime, I have no money for house payments, utilities, etc and my savings are almost gone.
This man is in upper management and has made a very good salary for the last 10 years and will continue to do so. He wants to divide our current assets 50/50 and walk away with minimal alimony. We've been married almost 29 years and I moved many times and supported his career completely. I will never come close to his earning potential. He will be able to buy a home again. I can't afford to do that. He has a college degree. I have a two year degree.
So...how hard do you fight? When does it become a losing battle? I feel like I have lost so much already, emotionally. Of course I'll refer all his "ideas" on asset splits to my attorney, but I was just wondering if the indignities will have any bearing at all...or if I really am just a big loser.
Why does that line from the old movie "Airport" come to mind..."I picked a helluva week to give up smoking/drinking/whatever"...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by broken x 3:
<strong>For those of you with the sad experience of having gone through this, if you file in a no fault state, but one clause shows fault because of "indignities" (adultry I can prove) does this do anything to the bottom line settlement?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my state, the law actually prohibits a judge from taking fault into account when awarding property and support. It is purely an economic determination.

At least that's the way the law is written - but one of the earliest lessons I had to learn during my divorce process is that it doesn't make one da*n bit of difference what the law says: the courts do whatever the he** they want.