My W and I are having a real problem with 'control'. She says that I control her and that she has no life of her own. Looking back I can see some aspects of our life where I have done this. The big one, of course, is her constant homemaker role for a long time, while I went out to earn as much money as I could. (She now has a part-time job, which she loves.) But there were other instances, concerning what I considered minor points at the time, where I can now see her side of things. The most recent, however, is my email snooping to discover her brief EA. She says this robbed her of her existence. <P>My question on this is, can some of her feelings be put down to MLC, and if so, will theese feelings subside over time? I acknowledge now she has some legitimate control issues and I'm trying hard not to repeat the same mistakes, such as emotional blackmail when we discuss (argue?).<P>Secondly, I have a control issue with her too, that I have not discussed with her, since I find myself in a Catch 22 situation with it. She has a very short temper (which also subsides just as quickly) and is often very confrontational in her dealings with me and the kids. Any time I try to discuss my feelings with her, the response is often of the 'been there, done that' variety, and how much worse off she is than me. There is a running joke in our family that all the menfolk have a'flinch' reaction whenever the women raise a hand near them, but I have developed a real 'emotional flinch', because whenever I try to raise the subject of my feelings, I know that the reaction is probably going to be either a simple dismisal of my emotions (at best), or the 'been there, done that' response, or outright anger (at worst).<BR>So I feel very controled in this way, that I am not allowed to express my feelings, without fear of being hurt more in the process. <P>I have a feeling everybody's answer to this will be the POJA, and I have recently tried ptting this into action. But every time I ask my W opinion on a decision to be made, it's always ' You do what you want.' I guess that reaction is due to her feelings of being controled, and that her opinion doesn't matter anyway. How can I change this?<P>Seagull

Well, one tough thing that you might consider is admitting to her those areas you just mentioned and asking forgiveness from her without defensiveness. Ask her more specifically how she feels you are not being respectful of her, ergo feelings of control.<P>Hap_hus wrote on the emotion forum about what an EA gives a woman and it might be good for you to consider those things so that you can build her up. I realize you feel beaten now yourself, but from a female perspective, I am more willing to jump on the bandwagon when my husband makes the first move, apologizes, takes steps for change, etc. Have you both done the emotional needs questionaire yet? Also might be good to learn about I messages rathr than you messages. I know it doesn't sound fair but I think you will get farther if you work on meeting her needs, learn a bit about yourself in becoming the best person you can be. Find out the things she values rather than assume you have the same values. Don't give up. She will be watching to see if the changes you are making are long lasting.<P>Good luck.

I think what she values most right now is her independence, which she feels I took away from her with my snooping. She went through a bad time a couple of years ago, which I assumed was her MLC, but things seemed to get better when she got her job.<P>She went on a trip on her own in Oct. (during which the EA started) and says this made her realise how controled she was at home. She set up secret email communication with OM until I found out 2 weeks later. She says that was the final straw that took away her identity.<P>My question, I guess, is really, is it possible to have independence without keeping secrets from each other, and being dishonest in the process? If not, then I was wrong to do what I did, but if it is possible, then how do we go about it? And more importantly for now, how do I go about giving her that feeling of independence?<P>Seagull

To Seagull:<BR>This is ridiculous. Your wife is upset with<BR>you because you had suspicions and caught<BR>her having an EA by checking into her email<BR>account. Don't you see what she is doing.<BR>It is not her fault having an affair; rather<BR>it is your fault for catching her. Do not let<BR>her turn this around on you. Do not let her<BR>manipulate you and justify her affair. <BR>

Yes it sounds like she would prefer to blame you for all her problems and yes, you violated her privacy and did catch her in an EA. Yes relationships in my opinion should be interdependent, each of you able to stand on your own two feet with honesty and without LB's if one of you makes a choice different from the other. and no, I am not talking about her choice for an EA. But what I am saying is before EA's occur, there is a void in the marital relationship and this void makes males or females vulnerable for an EA.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/002707.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/002707.html</A> <P>is the link where Happy_Hus makes his points in regards to emotions and the EA. You can spend your life saying "yeah but," and end up without your wife. Or you can start reading this stuff and applying it, learn how to be supportive of your wife as an individual, learn how you can strngthen your own individuality and how interdependence works and grow together again.<P>And this not to negate the hurt you feel right now, but more of finding something to do with the hurt so that you can have mastery over it.<p>[This message has been edited by SueB (edited December 14, 2000).]

Sue,<P>Thanks for the link. I had looked at that post before, but this time I really read it. I do understand that I have to change. I really want to, and have been trying. In the last few days I have come to very much the same conclusions. Before, I had not been honoring her feelings for what they are, but instead looking for excuses, and in effect telling her she was wrong for feeling that way. I guess this comes under the LB heading of disrespectful judgements.<P>It is hard to admit that the feelings she had for OM were real, without getting mad, but I know that's what I have to do before I can truly say I've changed.

Sounds like a great start! Have you told her that?

Unfortunately, no I haven't yet. I'm still finding it very difficult to open up to her, but I will try this weekend. This communication stuff is hard for me as I was brought up in a family where emotions were bottled up, and problems were supposed to solved introspectively. But I know we can't move forward until we are communicating so I'm going to try my hardest.

okay, so why not try this...write down for yourself, the things that you believe you have wronged your wife. Try to be as specific as you can.<P>"I wronged you by not trusting your judgement when..."<BR>"I wronged you by checking on your email without your permission."<BR>"I wronged by...."<P>You get the picture..Then you say to your wife, Honey, I really have wronged you and I was hoping we could take some time to talk about it. I really would like you to forgive me for some things I recently figured out. What time would be good for you? or could we get away and go for a walk, cup of coffee, whatever..." (Sometimes public places are good in that neither one of you feel comfortable raising voices.)<P>When you begin to talk tell her that you know you don't do the feelimg thing very well, but that you ask her to be patient while you work on this...and then you begin...once your list is completed, tell her these are the ones that you became aware of and that there are probably others and yu hope she would be willing to share those with you...NOW! If wife does share with you...get pencil and paper out, turn over youuur list or whatever, but write them down and then repaeat them back to her to make sure you have them down correctly and have her understanding. Do not say anything, defend yourself. Only say "okay, anything else?" And let her take this time to unburden herself if she is willing. How you handle it will determine how safe she will feel about sharing. Once the list is complete (note you have not accepted responsibility for these things, just heard how your wife saw them)thank her for sharing and tell her that you would like to have some time to think about these things a bit and get back to her on them if that is okay. Then be honest with her again, maybe make a small joke about how hard this feeling stuff is again, and tell her how much you appreciate her willingness to hear you. Again ask her if she would please forgive you for the ones you identified. If she says yes, tell her thank you. Ask her how the two of you might be more open in the future so that the list of hurt doesn't get so long and write down her ideas to think on. Ask her questions about anything you are not clear on. These things can work but it takes practice and patience. These suggestions are following the PlanA stuff.Even if she is having an affair or had an affair or considering an affair, work to become the man she desires to have an affair with, the man of her hearts desire. You will become a better man for it! Good luck.

How did the weekend go?