I have never posted about this before. My H had been physically out of hand seral times throughout our marriage, usually during drinking, but sometimes while under the influence of other drugs.

I know that alcohol doesnt cause you to be abusive. The anger was always there, its just when you drink it removes inhibitions that would normally keep you from going over the edge. The emotional and verbal abuse was always a constant, even when not under influence.

The last 2 1/2 years the drinking increased and the abuse increased dramatically. Not enough to go to hosp, but enough to cause severe emotional harm and some physical harm. He choked me and left bruises on my neck, smashed clock radio down on my chest while I was in bed in dark and didnt even see it coming. In Aug. he was pounding my back so hard that I dialed 911, my son was in his room on internet so call didnt go through or I would have had him arrested that time.

He also would coerce me into having sex anywhere, this was a thrill for him. Liked it in odd places (I think it had something to do with his attention defecit) And usually I didnt mind, was mostly fun in the woods, etc, kinda romantic, but alot of times it was one way, quickie for him and he knew that he wouldnt have to reciprocate. In fact he liked it that way as he was very selfish. I have realized now that that is sexual abuse. He would become angry with me if I balked, so I would perform so he wouldnt be angry with me. Later he would be too tired, or grouchy or whatever to make me feel loved in the same way.

After A was discovered, H told me he wanted me to be more agressive, so I was. And EVERY SINGLE TIME he would turn me down talk about damage to self esteem, another form of control and abuse.

How stupid I was. And I craved affection because that is what he withheld, my #1 emotional need.

Anyway, In the spring he went out drinking with buddies from work (could have been OW, I dont know) and came home very drunk. He already knew I was upset as he told me he wasnt going to go out drinking. I had already gone to bed, and didnt say much. I knew better to say anything when he was drunk. So he came to bed stinking like a bar and started pawing me roughly. I didnt respond so he got angry and yelled at me "I guess you want me to get a shower..." I said no, dont worry about it. I thought that was the end of it, but he stormed out of bedroom, gets a shower and comes back pawing me again. I thought if I didnt respond he would just turn over and go to sleep. But he didnt and what happened I can only describe as a rape.

He hurt me and disgusted me and I was too terrified by his drinking and anger to protest. and because he was drinking, he had problems in the finishing part. He wanted to know what m,y hurry was so he continued to hurt me. He then slept like a baby while I cried the rest of the nite and all next day at work.

I didnt say anything until several days later. We had a counseling appt and I brought it up there. I thought that was the safest place for me to address this insult to me. H admitted what he had done, but was shocked that I I said I felt I had been raped.

Said, he thought that was what I wanted, why I wanted him to come home instead of going out drinking (or whatever he was doing,This was before I found out that OW moved right around corner from me.) Then all MC said was "I guess you (H) had poor judgment due to your drinking"

Excuse me..Poor Judgment??? I had not blocked this out, but now three months after H left, the anger is setting in and I am not in that disbelief state, believing that H really wanted to work things out and I am seeing for the first time how abusive H was to me, and how he never wanted to work things out because a give and take mutual relationship would mean that he didnt have total control and that is what abuse is all about.

I have also become incredibly angry at this marriage counselor who is a man, and was supposed to be good with addictions, that he would just end this with "it was poor judgment" No suggestion to my H that he was out of line, needed anger management or that he had a serious addiction problem. Now all these months later I also feel abused by this person who was paid to help us.

I dont know where this is leading. I havent to this point told anyone other than the marriage counselor and now I am just boiling inside and devastated that I could be so stupid and still love him through all that. Antidepressants arent helping as they should so MD is changing my prescription.

Anyhow, this will come out at the divorce trial. That is for sure, under extreme cruelty and OW will be there. I know I will recover, but I want it to be sooner, rather than later. Went to a great workshop last nite, and al-anon is thur nite. I dont think I have time to fit in sexual abuse recovery program too. Ill need to add more days to the week.

Anyway I have appt next week with social worker to obtain the college funding to get myself back in college full time.

Please pray for me and thanks for listening.

{{{{{{{{{{{sunrise}}}}}}}}}}

Altho' I never experienced this kind of abuse, I experienced all the verbal/emotional abuse, threats of violence, smashing stuff (but not on me), withholding sex, degrading sex, along with the drugs, drinking, and infidelity.

I understand how the more time passes the more the reality of the abuse sets in. I've been feeling more disturbed lately about the fact that I put up with it for so long.

My H has a number of charges including spousal abuse, violating a restraining order, destruction of property, etc. He has yet to show up in court, but his att'y appeared for him, and so the case will go to trial and I will be subpoenaed to testify.

I spoke with the DA today. She said she's proud of me for being willing to testify as so often women back down. I told her I'd backed down over and over and can't back down any more. I offered her the names of numerous witnesses who've observed his behavior toward me over the past several years. I'll be glad when this is all behind me!

That's great that you're getting back into college! Congratulations and good luck!

(((((sunrise1)))))

I really feel for you!!...I'm in a divorce from a controller/abuser. It truly does "hit you later".
In looking back, everything becomes clearer.
Please be gentle to yourself for how you handled things in the past...cuz it's not easy to see the whole picture then as you do now. And now that you do understand and hurt, know that God is with you and day by day the healing will come.

You have gained much wisdom and you are so very precious!...Hurray for you, to admit the truth, work toward healing, start college and keep rising from the bottom to the top!!...You are a winner!!!!!!!

Love to you!
~Renae <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

Its like I read in a book about abusive relationships. In the old science experiment, you put a frog in hot water and he jumps out. If you put the same frog in comfortable water and then turn on the heat. Frog stays cause he becomes adjusted until he cooks to death. Thats like abuse and now I have control over that burner.

It will take awhile for me to be able to control it all by myself though. Its amazing how much he can still control me. All he has to do is call or stop by to see the kids and Im a wreck. He loves to push those buttons. I try to avoid him as much as possible. I just wish he would go away. He got what he wanted and now he's upset cause it didnt turn out exactly how he wanted.

Renae. Thanks for the support, I havent seen you post before but by your # you must be an old timer.

Lets Try. Thanks, I know you are very familiar with some of the pain I have experienced. Its been a long road for both of us.

This board was a lifesaver for me when I first came here 2-3 yrs ago. Thanks for reminding me...I have truly come a long way!! I still come here occasionally to read & post, and I'm still in the process of getting my life back.

Yes, the frog analogy fits exactly! I'm so glad you and I are survivors! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (((sunrise1)))

Dawn,

I am sorry that you had to suffer such emotional, verbal and physical abuse, you didn't deserve it and are worth so much more!!!!

I am glad that you are able to begin healing!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Daybreak.
No I didnt need or deserve to be treated the way I was.

I told my H several times when I thought we were in recovery (what a joke) that I hoped OW met someone who treated her badly and she cried every nite for the rest of her life. Well, now she has my H and I dont see how he will ever change, so, maybe I got my wish, not exactly as I hoped it would be.

Just got back from al-anon. Good meeting tonite. Last week was first in many weeks as I was so busy with the holidays and there were not too many there last week, but this week was good and I so needed it.

Thanks for all your support. Please keep me in your prayers.

Dawn

dawn, I know it's not really funny, but my H is very abusive to OW too, and there is some kind of payback there... They've been kicked out of all five places they've lived in the past 2 years (and 86'd from some local motels as well) and the last two were because of what one landlord so succintly described as "f***ing and fighting all night."

He said H would scream abuse at OW until she'd start crying, then he'd stop, the moaning would start, and then the cycle would begin again... (this was more information than I really needed, but he was furious at my H and venting at me). This was around the same time he broke in here and trashed the place and threatened to kill me for which he's now facing charges...

I spoke to the DA yesterday and my SIL spoke to her as well. The DA told my SIL (H's sister who he's also threatened) that she was proud of me for being willing to testify. She told SIL that verbal abuse is often just as damaging as physical, though it's not treated as seriously. She said she's seen many women who she described as "dead" from the constant verbal and emotional abuse.

We definitely can't expect to get over these experiences overnight. I am still awakening to the wrongness of how I allowed myself to be treated, how I allowed him to shame me...

My prayers are with you.

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 11:35 PM: Message edited by: LetSTry ]</small>

sunrise
you are a brave woman, God be with you.
Although I have not faced physical abuse from my soon 2BX, recently my FIL who was staying with us for medical reasons tried to physically attack me while I was having an argument with soon 2BX. Nobody was even talking to the FIL, he just started to come at me from another side of the house, fists flying, screaming...etc.Soon 2BX held him down but later wanted ME to apologize to FIL for making him mad. Similiar thing happened with my 6yo daughter a few days later and soon 2BX wanted my child to apologize to FIL although FIL was completely the one who terrorized my child for not understanding how to play a sharp note and flat note on the piano. Soon 2BX has always been emotionally distant and neglected me throughout our marriage. He never stood up for me to his parents or anywhere else. He calls me a bad mother, a lunatic and does anything to to degrade me. This has been going on for nearly 3 to 4 years. Like the frog experiment I can't even remember when the heat started getting too much. I have initiated, then backed down from divorce 2 or 3 times. I have gotten an appointment with an attorney again. I think I will be able to go through with it this time. I feel so mad at myself for putting up with this for so long. Soon 2BX got so comfortable with verbally and emotionally abusing me that last year he told my mother that I was a bad mother and intolerable person and he would leave me as soon as our daughter left for college (the kid is 6 now). My mother had come to take care of him because soon 2BX had a life threatening case of pneumonia and I could not take off from work. His own mother did not even want to be bothered with this news. Mom was so astonished she did not know how to respond she says.Soon 2BX had told me this several times before and somehow I just accepted it. Like you said the anger hits you later. Right now all I want is this idiot to go away and this nightmare marriage to be over.
ruby

Ruby,
Thanks for responding. I got a book titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and I strongly urge you to read it.

I have been in this abusive situation for 26+ years and now that youngest is 15 H has done the same thing that you H is threatening.

Dont wait!!! Stand up for yoursef. Get your H to go to counseling or get out now.

It WILL NOT GET BETTER....ONLY WORSE. I am faced with rebuilding everything including finances, self esteem and hopefully there is someone out there who will appreciate the love I have to give. My H left me when he knew I was going into menopause, talk about abuse, he has done it all.

Take care of yourself and your little girl. Ill be praying for you.

Control and abuse is not love and not marriage. It is bondage and oppression.

There can be no marital intimacy where there is no equality and mutual respect. It is a death trap.

My life turned to chaos in these 16 years, but I thank God for leading me to knowledge and the road to recovery.

Marriage can not be healthy unless we live it as God designed it to be. We must insist on having this, and we will not accept less--abuse!!

Bring your husbands to accountability for their behavior, the way they are constantly offending, abusing, & sinning against you and the marital covenant. (Matthew 18:15-19 process) This involves counselors as witnesses and your pastor, teaching truth, holding him accountable for change.

Until your husband deals with the damage in his soul, he can not treat you right.

For your own safety, you may have to protect yourself from him by separating. If you need to, get police/legal help like an order for protection.

I read Evan's books too and her website.

Yes, abuse does tend to escalate over the years and can change from one type of abuse to another, but it does not get better. We went to counselors but he would drop out, saying the counselors are the problem, not him. A pastor refused to deal with him anymore. My H is even trying to control the divorce attorneys and our first ones quit! Now we're starting up again with new attorneys!

The only way your husbands can get better is by meeting God and getting radical surgery on his soul. I met such a man at this website, [censored], who was truly transformed by God and now happily married. It can happen. I also admire J.Keith Miller who recovered from "the control" disease and speaks publically and writes about recovery and developing real intimacy. There is help and hope if our husbands are willing. But [censored] and Miller both had to hit bottom before they were willing to look up to God.

God is in our marital covenants trying to bring restoration. God can heal abuse and change an abuser. In the O.T. book of Malachi, God called out to those who were committing adultery and abuse and called them to righteousness and love.
I believe God calls out to our husbands too. Will they listen? Will we bring them to accountability and give them a chance to hear the truth and be set free?

I did that. Now the ball is in my husband's court. Unfortunately, he has currently chosen to refuse God's way of love and file for divorce rather than to grow, and he's getting the consequences.

God gave me a love for my husband's soul that would desire to see him get well. I saw in faith the man he could be come, the marriage God could create. This is why I brought him to accountability. I pray one day his heart will be softened. If it does happen, God could reconcile us into a real marriage. But for now, HE's made it clear, I let go. Now God is my Husband.

Love to you, sunrise1, Ruby, and others who have been caught in abuse, May God restore your soul and fill you with HIS love and joy!
~Renae

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

Wow, I feel like I just found a club I already belong to.....

It is just hitting me today how abusive, mean, and sick my xh was yesterday. He was on trial for breaking the no contact order (12 times! Only 3 charges, unless he does it again). He thought he could get away with it because they were nonviolent....phone calls, letters, all pushing buttons that only he knows about, but not actually "threatening". Fortunately, the police took me seriously that if he wasn't stopped it would get worse.

He didn't get a lawyer and chose to defend himself. At first I just thought he was stupid... but now I wonder if it was planned. He got to cross examine me as a witness and tried to be intimidating, asked questions that had nothing to do with the allegations but were intended to upset me, made a point of telling the judge things about me that were false, such as that I threatened him with a knife....of course she told him to focus on his defense, but he succeeded in upsetting me. Do you suppose it's actually worth 21 days in jail for him to do that to me?

He is a very evil man. I wish I never had to see him again..

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Annavon! It would seem there should be a law against your abuser doing that to you in court!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
May God heal your heart!!! ((((((((Annavon)))))))
Yes, he is a very damaged man, and I hope you will be safely away from him!!!!

*************
My last post ended with God being our husbands now and I want to add this scripture that has really touched me:

Isaiah 54:
4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband-
the LORD Almighty is his name-
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit-
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.
7 "For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,"
says the LORD your Redeemer.

God will restore us from the pit we have been in!

Have any of you read Dan Allendar's books?
Years back, I read the one called Bold Love and am currently reading The Healing Path. I think he also has a book addressing the subject of sexual abuse recovery (the topic of this thread).

My H was sexually abusive to me too....not in the sense of hurting me physically so much, but in other ways. Fortunately, my H did realize the worst of it at one time--that was a relief, but it only gave me false hope that all the other abuse would stop too, which it did not.

anavon, I should say welcome to the recovrey club.

I read yur other post about H defending himself and thought, yeah, I could see my H doing that just to push buttons. Patricia Evans states that almost all verbal and emotional abuse is done in private, no one else but abused and abuser. That is exactly what my H has done that way he still looks like a shining knight in front of the world while we have to live with the evil one on the dark horse and a sword in both hands.

Even my own children did not know the extent of his abuse, but now can see how I am blossoming and am becoming more confident and enjoying life more without the pain and baggage of his abuse.

I still hurt so much, and there are still most days that I have tears at least at some point, but there have been more of the days sprinkled in with no tears <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and today is one of them

We will get through this!!!

sunrise,

It took me two whole days to reply to you, and I'm sorry but some topics just hit TOO close to home. Welcome to the Abuse Recovery Club. I'm a member too, as my profile will tell you. I could tell you horror stories about my stbxH, but instead let me tell you about me.

I was physically abused as a kid (beatten up by my parents) on almost a daily basis, so when I got married, I had no idea I was even being abused becauseI wasn't being hit! It wasn't until my stbxH had a great, big PA and moved in with the OW that I found Patricia Evan's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and was STUNNED to discover that was me! Inside my heart I knew something was wrong but I didn't have words for what it was...it was abuse--just not physical abuse.

Basically for the next three years I tried to work on me and read more books about abuse, and I tried to stay in the M and tell him "Stop It!" but that didn't really work. For years I tried to keep the focus on me and respond appropriately even if he was in a tirade, but that didn't work either. Toward the end, in 2002, I kinda gave up inside and started screaming right back at him! Not good!

It's funny, because today I filed a TRO against him, and when I actually had to sit down and write out what he has done to me...it was horrifying. Why in the WORLD would I stay in a relationship like that?? Where was my self-worth? Honestly, now that I look back on it I am sad and a little mad at myself that I participated in a relationship in which I was worthless for so long!

Oh well. Right now I'm going to S-Anon (family members and friends of sex addicts) on Saturday nites, and it is REALLY helpful. I also go to a Divorce Recovery group on Tues. nite and a Domestic Violence women's support group on Wed. early evening. It's lead by a counselor who also offers free "as needed" counseling sessions through the DA's office for victims of Domestic Violence. Thank God, that's ME--so all my counseling is free!

Sunrise, I'm proud of you for saying it out loud. That's a BIG step. I also proud of you for recognizing it for what it was--ABUSE! Good for you.

CJ

Sunrise1, I am so glad you posted this, sometimes I have felt that I was out of my mind. A virgin also, so I never knew the difference, married 22 yrs and most of it I experienced sexual discomfort, in 1999 it got stranger and by the fall of 2001 he got violent about sex. He would spend hours trying to convince me afterwards that I consented. How do you consent when you have been jumped from behind, put in a pillowcase and had a gag tied around your mouth! I have been handcuffed, tied up, duct taped, gagged and spanked and I was yelling through the gag NO! All in the fall of 2001. My biggest mistake was not reporting it, he's a cop so he has gotten away with a lot more, the dept is really protecting him. Our divorce should be final this month and the past 9 months has opened my eyes to how abusive and controlling he has been. His last connection to me now is our youngest daughter 16, the only supportive thing the dept did was stop him from contacting me except in regards to her.

I feel really good now, I am just taking care of myself and my daughter. Realizing what was happening and how wrong it was, was my freedom. My only worry now is when our daughter is with him. He was doing this stuff on the internet with other females and when I found out I installed a program that recorded what was happening on my computer. I made copies of some of it and my attorney discovered one with a "Schoolgirl" and noticed age was never asked. I asked my oldest daughter if she thought her sister would be ok with H and she said physically she would be ok but he will continue to play mind games. I still worry though about my duaghter becuase he has continually gotten worse over the past 4 yrs. I have talked to her generically about saying no and reporting any kind of mis deed, no matter who the other party is. I am better and better each day but this post really hit on target for me, knowing there are others and I am not crazy or abnormal because I did not enjoy this kind of sex is a relief.

Thank you all and God Bless all of us.

((((Faithfulwife)))) (((lila))))

Sure glad the garbage is behind us and we're all wiser and moving forward, getting a healthy life!!

I agree! My x was sexually abusive too, altho not in a violent or agressive way....he was the opposite. Refused any affection at all, said I was "too frigid" for him....but called me a whore when I put on a nighty and sat on his lap, literally threw me to the floor. We only had sex when he wanted me pregnant, and then I would wake up in the middle of the night because he was "doing it"....without my knowledge or consent. Before we married he did not want to be physical for "religious reasons" and I actually admired his commitment to not having sex before marriage. Of course he went on and on about how much he enjoyed it, couldn't wait, etc......yet was very selfish and nasty on our wedding night. I knew 2 days after we married that he was abusive and it wouldn't work, why did I stick it out 12 years???

Faithful Wife,
Thanks. I too was stunned to read that book.

Now today I am contemplating a TRO also. Lawyer said he would file one when he filed the divorce papers, but I havent heard from him. My friend says he had to go to Atlanta. Im sure its not really an emergency that I talk to him, but it sure sems like a crisis for me.

Got a paper in mail yesterday from PO confirming our family move with 800# to call if this is wrong. I called #, explained what was going on and they told me I cant fix it..H has to go in and fix it. Well, how's that going to happen when he's the one playing mind games to begin with.

So..I call H and tell him he has to go change it. Any bill he wants Ill give him but he;s not going to pick and choose what he wants to pay. He said he would go change it but I dont really believe that he will.

Kids are upset as 23 yo has college and loan stuff coming, 20YO has legal mail and 18YO also has college and personal mail that shes expecting. Not to mention my few personal bills, family bills and I get more personal/emotional support mail from friends and family.

I told H that this would not look good for lawyer and judge and he said "This isnt ever going to court" I said what??? He said this will be over before it gets to court, this will cost too much in court.

I feel like I was threatened so Ive been pacing back and forth all day. Do I call police??? How do you get TRO